“Have you lost your senses? This is not—”
“Fine,” she said, cutting him off as she turned to the rest of the troop. “Arthur enjoys wearing women’s clothes.”
“What?” said Galahad.
“Eh?” said Gaheris.
“Pardon?” said Bors.
“Honestly?” said Kay.
Arty coughed and looked around sheepishly. “He does?”
“Now, listen to me,” Merlin began, “this is just a magical—”
“No, Merlin,” Arthur interrupted. He felt defeated and more than a bit embarrassed, but there was no hiding things now. His beloved had just spoken. They wouldn’t believe the wizard over her. “She’s right. It’s out of the bag anyway.”
“I think it’s considered out of the closet in today’s world, Arthur,” Merlin muttered.
“Either way,” Arthur said as firmly as he could, “it’s true. Yes, I like to wear women’s clothes.”
A bunch of hands went up.
“And before you ask, no, I’m not interested in sexing with other men.”
All their hands went back down.
“Arthur,” said Merlin, “in this day and age the term for it is ‘gay.’”
“As in happy and skipping around for no apparent reason?” asked Bors.
“No, as in…” Merlin appeared to think about this for a minute. “Well, I suppose they do skip around a fair bit, sure, but I mean it as men sexing with men and women sexing with women.”
“That second one is what I call wondrous,” Gaheris said dreamily. “Watching that would make me feel gay.”
Merlin cocked his head to the side. “You need to think about the first part of how I described that word, Gaheris.”
“While I normally go where I go,” Gaheris said while scrunching his face, “I don’t go there.”
“Why have we never seen this before?” Galahad said.
Arthur shrugged. “Because I’ve hidden it from you, obviously.”
“How?” asked Lance-A-Lot.
Arthur wanted to sit down at this point, but his robe wasn’t one that left much to the imagination.
“Up until our last quest, I did it very carefully. Since then, when Arty here gave me the ring I was seeking, the magic of said ring made it so everyone saw me the way they expected to see me.”
“That explains the donkey ears,” noted Bors.
“And the hooves,” agreed Kay.
Arthur grimaced. “What’s that?”
“So that’s why ye wanted the ring,” said Scottish Arthur, pointing accusingly.
“They can see you, too, Arty,” Arthur replied while shaking his head.
“Yer point?”
“They know you like wearing women’s clothes, also.”
“Nay, I don’t.” Arty ruffled and made a fist. “Them’s words that causes wars, they is.”
“Come now, Arty,” Arthur said, but Arty didn’t budge. Arthur rolled his eyes and motioned to the knights. “It’s well known at this point. No sense in hiding it.”
“I’ve no idea what yer talkin’ ‘bout,” Arty replied while crossing his arms.
“We’re out of the… What was it again, Merlin?”
“Closet.”
“Ah, yes. Thank you, Merlin. We’re out of the closet now, Arty.”
“What closet?” Arty whined. “I thought we were in a damn tree. Well, a mountain painted like one anyhoo.” He looked around for a second. “I’m wantin’ to go home now.”
“Just own up and be done with it,” suggested Arthur. “Honestly, I feel better for doing it.”
“I’ve nay clue what yer yammerin’ on aboot, King of England.”
“I’m not speaking to a boot, Arty.” Arthur looked Arty up and down. “We can all see you’re wearing that leopard skin one piece that Guinevere and I gave to you.”
“And rosy red cheeks,” said Bors.
“And blue eye makeup,” noted Kay.
“And black eyeliner,” said Galahad.
“And crimson lipstick,” Guinevere added.
“What?” Arty said with a wince. “How’d all that be after gettin’ there?”
“Seriously, Arty. It’s out of the bag.”
“It’s a mixup! Something happened when we... Actually, what exactly was after happenin’?”
Merlin had taken off his hat and was twirling it around in his hands. “We transported into the future.”
“Ah, right,” Arty said with a nod. He then peered over at Guinevere and said, “Do all English drink this heavily before noooon?”
“We actually are in the future, Arty,” she replied.
“Uh huh.”
“She’s being truthful.”
“Yer in league with them, Lady Guinevere? And why are ye wearing pantaloons?”
“She’s one of us, Arty,” Arthur answered.
Guinevere’s eyebrows went up. “I am not.”
“What?” Arthur said as if slapped. “Wait a second here—you’re saying that Arty and I can be… Uh…”
“Outed,” Merlin offered.
“Outed, but you’re going to try and play the innocent card? I don’t think so.”
“Fine, go ahead,” she said angrily.
“What are ye talkin’ about?” asked Arty.
“She likes wearing men’s clothing.”
Arty groaned as his eyes grew as large as Gwen’s thingums. “Say it ain’t so.”
“Are you honestly judging me, King of Scotland?”
“Uh, well...” He dropped his head. “Nay, I suppose I’m not.”
Merlin stopped twirling his hat and slapped it firmly back on his head. He then spun and slowly cast his gaze upon everyone in the room.
“Okay, enough of this,” he said. “The point is that these three have a particular need and that’s that.”
Galahad nodded for a moment as he thoughtfully studied the three who were still on the platform.
“Could be worse,” he said with a nod. “Could have claimed to be liberals.”
“What’s wrong with being a liberal?” Bors asked.
“Yes,” agreed Kay, “I’d fancy to know as well.”
“Heh,” Galahad replied derisively. “Even with a time machine, we haven’t enough hours to list all of the things.”
“The real tragedy,” Bors retorted venomously, “would be if they’d claimed to have been conservatives!”
“I’m a conservative,” Gaheris stated.
“And with that admission,” said Kay, “we rest our case.”
Arthur stepped down from the platform and eyed them all. He could just order them to accept the situation as it was and swear them to silence, but that wasn’t his style. He was one who allowed his soldiers the freedom to make up their own minds, assuming their ultimate resolution landed on the same side as his anyway.
“So you’re all okay with this?” he asked. “I mean, again, it’s not like any of us are gay—not that there’s anything wrong with that,” he was quick to amend.
“There is back in our time,” Merlin said.
“Right. Well, I need to know your thoughts on this because if it impacts my ability to reign in Camelot then I shall have to take drastic measures.”
Everyone spent a few minutes staring at their own boots as Arthur thought back to something his uncle had told him when he was young. “Boy,” the old man had said, “there will be times in your life when people will doubt you. During those times is when you’ll know who your true followers are. For example,” he’d added while pointing to each of the men in the room with him, “these are the most loyal bunch you will ever find.” His uncle had been killed in his sleep by those trusted men that very night.
“Uh, well, Kay and I are in the theater, sire,” said Bors, breaking the ice. “We see this sort of thing all the time.”
“Usually there’s a play in process,” said Kay, “and the fellow is wearing stockings to play the part of a queen or princess, but to each his own.”
“Good. A
nd you, Galahad?”
“Honestly, I don’t give a damn what you wear, sire.”
“Lance?”
“Wouldn’t be my first choice, my King... Erm, Queen?”
“King will do, thank you.”
“Sorry, sire,” Lance-A-Lot said, bowing slightly. “We all have our issues. Mine is my endowment and yours is, well, that.”
“Right.” Arthur sighed. “And what of you, Gaheris? Are you okay with my dressing in such a fashion?”
“No.”
“Expected,” said Arthur. “But you’ll be quiet and you’ll keep your place. It’s beyond your comprehension to do otherwise.”
“What?” said Gaheris with a frown.
“See?” Arthur turned to Guinevere. “My petunia, would you have any additional trousers for me, per chance?”
“And me, if ye would,” added Arty.
“I don’t, but I’m sure that a couple of your knights wouldn’t mind lending you their long coats.”
Galahad and Lance-A-Lot both handed theirs over. Arthur snagged Lance-A-Lot’s, knowing that it was better taken care of. It was also longer, as was most everything with the man.
“What are we supposed to do now, Merlin?”
“Find Allison.”
“Allison?” asked Arty.
“Long story,” said Arthur. “I’ll fill you in later.”
Bors tilted his head. “I thought you said you weren’t gay?”
“He means he’ll tell him the story of Allison and why we’re here,” Merlin corrected, “you mound of dirt.”
“Ah, my apologies.”
“Pardon me,” Lance-A-Lot said, searching his person. “I just noticed that my sword is missing.”
“About time.”
“I believe he means his actual sword, Arthur,” Merlin said. “It looks like everyone is without weapons.”
Arthur held out his sword. “I have Excalibur.”
“Which points to it being saved due to it’s magicalness.”
“Then what happened to the rings? They were magical.”
“Just because it’s magic doesn’t mean the magic lasts forever,” Merlin answered. “On something like that ring, it’s obviously already died out. The sword was infused with something more powerful, and let’s not forget that it’s further sustained by its owner.”
“Me.”
“Unless someone else owns it, yes.”
“Right.”
“My guess,” Merlin continued, “is that all weapons are stripped during transport.”
“Why do we still have our armor?” Galahad asked.
Merlin checked over the knights. “Because armor isn’t a weapon, dude.”
“It is the way I use it,” corrected Gaheris.
“There’s another problem,” said Bors, holding up his personal carrying bag. “Our change purses are empty. Last I checked, coins aren’t weapons.”
“Depends on your perspective,” said Galahad.
“Which means we’re broke,” said Merlin, his right hand pushing the palm of his left.
Guinevere put her arm on Merlin’s shoulder. “Maybe we should go back?”
“Aye,” declared Arty, “I’m with her.”
“Thought of that, too, Gwen,” said Merlin. “Problem is that I’ve not a clue how to use the machine from this side of the time gate.”
Gaheris pointed at one of the boxes. “Maybe just punch that square eye-looking thing?”
“Much like you, Gaheris, that square eye-looking thing is not sentient. It’s what’s known as a monitor.”
“Hmmm.”
“We can’t get back and we have no money,” Arthur said, coming to the defense of his less-than-intelligent knight. “It could well be that we are in over our heads.”
“Ya think?” Merlin said sarcastically.
“But you brought us to this place, Merlin,” Arthur replied icily, “and so I shall leave it in your capable hands to decide where we go from here.”
Merlin swallowed hard. “Right.”
ESCORTED OUT
As soon as Gwen had wiped all of the makeup from Arthur and Arty, they moved out.
Arthur’s feet felt cushioned, like there was a little bounce with each step. It wasn’t overly bouncy or anything, but it also wasn’t the hard floor he was used to back in his time. This floor had a nice dark gray color, too. He liked the slate look and the wooden-plank look that buildings in his day offered, of course, but he could imagine all sorts of options with the spongy material he was currently floating upon.
Merlin turned the handle on a door and it opened slowly without the obligatory creaking that doors in Camelot made. The little wizard peered from side-to-side and then waved everyone along. The troop followed out behind, mimicking his creeping.
They turned the corner and walked directly into the path of a man who was wearing a blue uniform. He was roughly Arthur’s height, though he may have held the edge in that department due to the interestingly brimmed hat that he was wearing. His face was cleanly shaved, which accentuated his pudgy cheeks. From the roundness of the fellow’s belly, Arthur would have pinned him to be a merchant, but he couldn’t spot any wares.
“Excuse me,” said the man as he studied the group, “do you all work here?”
Merlin glanced around at the rest of them, obviously hoping someone else would answer. Arthur gave him a look to remind the little man that this was his quest.
“No,” Merlin answered finally. “We’re just here to meet someone.”
“Dressed like that?”
“What's wrong with how we're dressed?” Arthur said, checking his person to make sure that his robe wasn’t still showing through.
“Nothing,” the guard replied, “assuming you're from the dinner theater down the street; otherwise, you look a bit crazy is all.”
“Says the fellow with the blue pants and star-shaped badge,” noted Bors.
“I like the black truncheon, personally,” confessed Kay. “Gives a flair to the rest of the getup.” Kay appraised the man for a moment more. “Are you an actor, too?”
“What are they talking about?” the guard asked Merlin.
“We usually don't know,” replied the wizard. “We’re seeking Allison Smith.”
“Dr. Smith, eh?”
Merlin brightened at this. “You know of her?”
“Everyone in this building knows her, mister. She's the brains of this place, if you know what I mean.”
Gaheris ducked and held his hand up. He began looking frantically around. Arthur glanced up to see what Gaheris was shying away from, but everything appeared normal to him. Well, relatively speaking anyway.
“Are you saying we're inside of her head?” Gaheris stammered.
“Honestly?” said Galahad, slapping the larger knight on his arm.
“It's a saying, Sir Geheris,” Bors pointed out. “Not to be taken literally.”
“Anyway,” Merlin said, “we'd like to see Dr. Smith, please.”
The guard looked around as if making sure nobody else was within earshot. “She's not here, mister. She's on sabbatical.”
“So she's after bein' Jewish?” Arty asked. “Why’d that make her not be here? Last I checked it wasn’t after being Saturday.”
“Not Sabbath, King of... Erm, I mean, uh Arty,” Galahad corrected. “He said sabbatical. It means—”
“Explain it to him later, Galahad,” said Merlin before turning back to the guard. “Do you know where she's gone, by chance?”
The guard swiveled his head from side-to-side again. Obviously the man was uncomfortable talking about Allison Smith. Maybe he had a thing for Allison? It was normal for a fellow to be protective of his love. Wasn’t Arthur constantly striving to keep his Guinevere safe?
“You really do know her, right?” the guard said.
“I've known her for more years than you can imagine, young man,” Merlin replied with a smile.
“Well, okay.” The man still seemed unsure, but he took a deep breath and s
aid, “I shouldn't be telling you this, but she's down at the local hospital.”
“Oh? What's she studying there?”
“Well, that's the other thing I shouldn’t be telling you. You see, we're just informing the press and such that's she's on sabbatical.” He looked up suddenly. “Hey, wait, you're not the press, are you?”
“I don't believe so,” Merlin replied thoughtfully.
“If we are,” agreed Galahad, “nobody told us.”
“What's the press?” asked Gaheris.
“Was just gonna ask that,” said Arty.
“All right, then. She's actually in the hospital.”
Merlin squinted. “So you said.”
“No, I mean that she's a patient.”
“Makes sense to me,” stated Galahad a couple of moments later. “She's had to put up with Merlin for years. I've only been an apprentice to him for around eight months and I've learned a great deal of patience.”
“The boy means that's she's a patient in the hospital, you dope,” Merlin said over his shoulder.
“Oh, yes, that makes more sense.”
“Why is she in the hospital?” Merlin asked.
The guard shrugged. “That's one thing they wouldn't tell us. Asked us not to snoop around about it either.”
“What's this snoopin' thing yer after talkin' aboot?” said Arty.
“I wasn't talking about any boots, sir.”
“But you did anyway, right?” Merlin said, clearly ignoring Arty’s question.
“Talked about boots?” asked the guard with a confused look.
“No,” Merlin said. “I mean you snooped around anyway, right?”
“No, sir.” The guard was shaking his head furiously. He’d also stood up straight and adjusted his belt. “I would with most people, but Dr. Smith is too much of a bigwig. I could lose my job over something like that.”
Arthur was glad to hear the man speak thusly. It was rare to find people who understood their place in the scheme of things. Most thought they were of a higher station than they truly were. Merlin, for example. To find one who was comfortable with their personal situation was refreshing.
“How do we find this hospital you speak of?” Arthur said in a kingly way.
“It's two blocks down on Fifth and West, sir,” replied the guard. “Can't miss it.”
Comedic Arthurian Bundle: The Adventures of Queen Arthur Page 13