“Do any of the other guards know?”
“I don’t think so,” she said uncertainly.
Guinevere snapped her fingers at Probius. “You there: Is there anything different about this guard when compared to other guards?”
“What are you doing?” hissed Clearlyachickus.
Probius stepped over, keeping his eyes firmly ahead, looking at neither of them.
“In what way, ma’am?”
“Let’s go with physicality,” said Guinevere.
“Guard Clearlyachickus is the same as all guards, as far as I can tell,” Probius replied without inflection.
“Is that so?”
“We’re taught to see no differences in each other, ma’am.”
“So there is nothing you’ve noticed that’s out of the ordinary with Guard Clearlyachickus?”
“Except for the large knockers and bouncing booty, you mean?” Probius said, speaking precisely as he was expected to.
“Yes, except…” Guinevere crossed her arms and gave him a duck-look. “No, that’s exactly what I mean! Doesn’t that strike you as odd?”
“It strikes me as the only reason I tolerate getting sent to Dickus Headus all the time,” admitted Probius and then snapped his eyes back to the wall.
“What?” said Clearlyachickus.
“Who?” said Guinevere.
Probius began to sweat. “Uh...”
“Wait a second here,” Clearlyachickus said, stepping in front of Probius. “You were assigned as my partner, right?”
“Yes, of course… Sort of… I mean…” His shoulders dropped along with his stare. He sighed heavily and said, “Not exactly.”
“I’m confused,” Clearlyachickus said.
“I asked to be on duty with you whenever possible,” Probius admitted.
“You did?”
“I did.”
“But why?” Clearlyachickus questioned. “I always get you in trouble. I don’t mean to, but it seems to happen anyway.”
“You honestly don’t know?” he asked, staring into her eyes.
“No.”
“It’s because I’d rather look at your physicality, as she put it, than at the other guys. Besides, you smell nice. The other guards just smell.”
“Probius! I never knew you knew I was a woman.”
“Seriously? Your name is ‘Clearlyachickus.’”
“Right.”
“Everyone knows,” Probius said after a second. “I’m just the only one who pays Dickus Headus to let me... Uh—”
“You pay him?”
“Oh boy,” said Probius, wiping the sweat from his forehead.
Arthur broke the tension by walking into the room, parading around in his white outfit. He had a spring in his step as he pirouetted a few times.
“What do you think?”
“That’s the female outfit, sir,” stated Probius.
“Oh?” Arthur replied innocently.
“Arthur,” warned Guinevere while shaking her head, “go and change into the proper one, will you?”
Arthur smiled mischievously. “Sorry, my persimmon.”
“Maybe we should get out of your way,” said Probius while turning briskly towards the door.
Clearlyachickus was hot on his heels. “Guard Probius, you and I seem to have a few things to discuss!”
AFTERGLOW
When Leto and Lance had finished up their fun-time, they headed back out to the main area of the ship.
Lance couldn’t quite pinpoint the way he felt other than excited. Not because he’d just boned a god, though that was pretty fantastic, but because he found the entire concept of being on a ship in space rather incredible. Obviously most people would be thrilled to be in his position—and many would also have loved being in the position that Leto was in less than thirty minutes ago. But others from his era would have been terrified—and, yes, that relates to either of the aforementioned positions… Leto was quite adventurous, after all.
“That was amazing,” Leto said, swooning as they rounded the corner, “and now I know why they call you Lance-A-Lot.” She giggled. “Come to think of it, that’s the first time I’ve called a man ‘god.’”
Jupiter and Allison were seated on opposite ends of the couch. Jupiter’s face was downcast and Allison had her arms crossed. She was wearing a frown of disappointment.
“Was your tryst as lovely as mine, dear?” Leto said, clearly oblivious to the tension in the room
“It was, um…” Jupiter cleared his throat. “Things didn’t quite progress as…” He adjusted in his seat. “You see, I felt a little bit of pressure and—”
“He couldn’t get it up,” announced Allison.
“Yes,” Jupiter said, slumping even farther, “that.”
“So why didn’t you take your Godagra pills?” asked Leto.
“I can’t, ever since starting the blood pressure medications,” he replied. “You know that.”
“Oh, that’s right.”
“So you two didn’t have relations?” asked Lance.
“Nope,” replied Allison. “Seems I wasn’t enough of a draw to get a god horny enough.”
“Oh, don’t think that,” Jupiter said desperately. “You’re quite attractive for a non-god. I’m just not as young as I used to be.”
“A non-god?”
“I feel just terrible about this and…” Jupiter paused and looked at Lance’s mid-section. He pointed. “Are you trying to steal something from my ship, you pathetic human?”
Lance looked down. “Excuse me?”
“A ray gun, maybe?” Jupiter said, standing forcefully. “One of our advanced batteries, per chance?”
“Jupiter, will you relax?” said Leto. “That’s just his dong.”
“Oh, sorry.” Jupiter instantly seemed to calm down. “I’m just a bit overwhelmed at the moment and…” His face contorted again. “That’s his dong?”
“Part of it, anyway.”
Jupiter groaned. “Well, I’m sure that won’t help my performance issues.” He turned to Allison. “Honestly, I don’t know what you were expecting, dear, but I don’t even think a horse could compete with that.”
“So I’m learning,” replied Allison.
“You are quite lucky, you know?” said Leto with a forlorn look.
Allison gave Jupiter a sideways glance. “Again, so I’m learning.”
There was a chiming sound that reminded Lance of the phone ringing in the future. This one played a tune that he hadn’t recognized, though, and it seemed to be sounding throughout the ship.
“I’ll get it,” said Jupiter as he reached for a small, black circular piece that he then pressed into his ear. “Jupiter here. Oh, yes, Apollo, what is it? A feast? Okay, well, I think your mother and I will stay on the ship. You know we only like to make an appearance during dire times.” He nodded a few times. “True, true, but I’d rather you and Athena manage this one on your own. We’ll send down the latest two arrivals from the future. Hmmm? Oh yes, Allison Smith and Sir Lance-A-Lot showed up a little while after you left.” Another few nods. “Right, well, I must go now.”
“What’s going on?” asked Allison.
“Your friends are apparently the guests of honor at a feast this evening, so you should really get going.”
“The sooner, the better,” said Allison as she got up and walked to the place that they’d arrived at earlier.
“Again,” Jupiter attempted, “I’m truly sorry that things didn’t… work.”
“Sure. Right. No problem.”
Jupiter groaned miserably.
“I’ll transport you down to the main chambers,” said Leto. Then she glanced again at Lance’s middle-region and sighed wistfully. “I should probably make sure the batteries are at full charge first… on many things.”
“What?” said Jupiter.
Another man walked in, saying, “You all done yet?”
“Your timing is as impeccable as ever, Pluto,” Jupiter said with a sour look.
“My lady,” Pluto said, kissing her hand.
Allison glanced back at Lance questioningly.
“If you feel you must, dear,” Lance said, sighing.
“What’s this about?” Pluto asked.
“Ever bone a human before?” Allison said with a wink.
“Many times, yes,” Pluto replied, letting go of her hand.
“Well, then?”
“Uh, I mean you no offense when I say this, lady,” Pluto said uncomfortably, “but you’re not my type.”
Allison’s face tightened. “Oh, yeah? Well, you’re not even considered a planet anymore!”
CAUGHT
Arthur found the male version of the Roman outfit to be nearly as fun to wear as the female version. It was white, loose-fitting, had a nice rope-style belt, and hung somewhat like a skirt, showing off his legs. The sandals felt a little strange, but he had to admit they complemented the outfit perfectly. His favorite bit, though, was the gold-leafed tiara.
It was also nice to see Guinevere wearing a womanly outfit again, but he wouldn’t dare say anything to her about it. He would also have to be careful to avoid words like “ravishing” and “picturesque” so that she didn’t get a complex.
“Ready, my sweet?”
“I suppose,” Guinevere replied, clearly not as happy in her current outfit as Arthur was in his.
They opened the door to find Guard Probius and Guard Clearlyachickus going at it all hot-and-heavy. The two were so intertwined that it was difficult to tell where one of them started and the other one ended.
“Oh, wow,” said Guinevere as the two guards jumped away from each other. “Can’t say I expected that.”
“Ah!” Probius said in shock. “Sorry, my lady. We were... I mean—”
Clearlyachickus attempted to clarify things. “It’s just that, uh—”
“How unprofessional,” stated Arthur, feeling quite vexed. In all of his years as a king, he had never witnessed anything like this, not with guards anyway. Sure, Lance-A-Lot had a tendency of boning everything in sight, but not while he was on duty. “I shall have a word with your emperor about this.”
“Oh, Arthur,” Guinevere said, hushing him. “No, you won’t.”
“I shall so!”
She hand-on-hipped him again. “If you do, I’ll take away the key to my naughty clothes cabinet.”
Arthur blanched. “You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
“Fine,” he said with a pout. “I won’t say anything, but if you were my guards, you’d be flogged for this breach of protocol.”
“No, they wouldn’t,” Guinevere noted.
“Well, no, but they’d be whipped, at least!”
“Nope.”
“Stuck in the cells for a month?” he said hopefully.
“Not even that.”
Arthur squared his shoulders. “A firm talking to, then, with accusatory pointing and everything.”
“Okay,” Guinevere conceded, “you’d probably do that.”
Finally Arthur had gotten the upper-hand… sort of.
“He’s actually quite an old softy,” Guinevere said as she looked back at the newly formed couple.
“Let’s not bring that into the discussion,” Arthur replied, nearly choking.
“I was talking about your demeanor, dear.”
“I know you were talking about da wiener and I don’t appreciate—”
“Demeanor, dear,” Guinevere interrupted, giving him one of her looks.
“Oh, right.”
“Anyway,” Guinevere said, “why don’t you two take our room for the next couple of hours?”
“We’re on duty until we deliver you to the party, ma’am,” said Probius. “After that we’re supposed to be at the party.”
“Well, it’ll take you a few minutes to change, right?” Guinevere then chuckled. “And after all that you two have been holding back over the years, I’m sure a few minutes is all you’ll need.”
Clearlyachickus arched an eyebrow. “Devious.”
“You have no idea,” agreed Arthur with a sigh.
TAKING CHANCES
Doonan was not one to take chances, unless you include touching ladies’ bottoms without their consent as chancy, which the local authority in Scotland had. He’d not done anything nefarious beyond that, of course. It wasn’t in his nature. Even when he had pinched a cushion or two, it had been done as sneakily as possible.
But after having a few glasses of this tequila that Bedivere had given him, he was feeling adventurous.
“Want to go down into town and pinch… hic… some bottoms?”
“What?” said Bedivere.
“Uh, nuthin’.”
“I got an… hic… idea,” Bedivere said.
“What’s that?”
“Why don’t we go and use that magic-screen thing in the back?”
“For what?”
“To… hic… to… hic… to see what it does.”
It didn’t sound as pleasant as pinching a tail or two, but Doonan was feeling bored. There was something in the back of his mind that told him this wasn’t the greatest idea, but the alcohol convinced him otherwise.
“Ooookay,” he said, following Bedivere to the back room. “Now what?”
“You stand on that platform… hic,” Bedivere said, “and I’ll do something on this screen.”
“Like what?”
“I dunno.” Bedivere giggled as he tapped all over the screen. “There, that should do it!”
“Do what?” asked Doonan.
“I dunno.”
He pressed the big red button on the screen and the ground began to flash under Doonan’s feet.
Run, you fool! his subconscious said, but his conscious mind was so muddled that it heard, This is fun, it’s cool! and so he stayed in place.
An instant later he found himself standing in a field surrounded by gigantic trees. The sky was blue with wisps of red and it was hot and humid. The grass, where there was grass, appeared to be smashed down in places. It looked as if gigantic footprints had crushed the green stems into the ground.
He heard a snort and spun around to see an enormous lizard standing not two hundred feet away. It stood ten-men high, had teeth the size of Doonan’s arms, a head that was easily four times his size, and arms that were tiny and swinging pointlessly at chest-level.
Doonan froze in place as the thing seemed to survey him from afar. It was clearly aware of his presence, but Doonan didn’t know what to do, especially since his mind was still swimming from the batch of tequila he’d downed.
He gulped as the air grew still.
Suddenly, the massive creature roared so loudly that Doonan grabbed his ears and shat his pants.
It began running at Doonan with such speed that there was nothing the Scotsman could do but empty his bladder too.
Just as the beast was upon him, its wide jaws closing in on snapping Doonan in two, the world flashed and he was back in Merlin’s house.
“What… hic… happened?” said Bedivere. “And… hic… what’s that smell?”
Doonan couldn’t answer verbally. It was all he could do to breathe.
“Well, what?”
He pulled his hands up to make them look as small as possible and then he bared his teeth fiercely.
“What the hell are you doing?” said Bedivere. “Oh wait… hic … Is this charades?”
Doonan nodded.
“Got it. How many words?”
Doonan held up four fingers.
“Four. Okay… short arms and… hic… vicious teeth,” said Bedivere as Doonan resumed his stance. “Hmmm, sounds like some kind of creature, maybe?”
Doonan nodded.
Bedivere stroked his beard thoughtfully. “A kitten?”
Doonan frowned.
“You’re right, that makes no sense. Ummm… ooh!” The knight spun and looked at the screen. “Says here you went back… hic… a cou
ple thousand years.” Bedivere turned back with wide eyes. “Dinosaur?”
Doonan nodded.
“Wow.” Bedivere gulped and then grimaced. “How is that four words?”
Doonan spun around, lifted his kilt, and showed the seat of his underpants.
“Oh, I see,” said Bedivere, nodding. “You were doing… hic… charades to answer my ‘What’s that smell’ question, right?”
Doonan nodded.
“But four words?”
Doonan jumped off the platform and croaked, “I shat me pants.”
He then grabbed the bottle of tequila, downed the rest of its contents in one shot, and headed off to clean himself up.
BACK TO THE GUARDS
Lance and Allison arrived back at the location they’d originally landed when transporting from Merlin’s house. In front of them stood the same two guards as before.
“Hello?” said Allison, jarring the two men.
“Ah,” said Thumpus, turning, “there you two are. Now, where’d you run off to? Could have gotten us in a world of trouble, you know?”
“Sorry,” said Allison, still having a look of angst. “We were brought up to speak with the gods. Well, we were technically brought up to bone them, but it turns out that—”
“The gods, eh?” interrupted Buttus with a sniff.
“Told ya they were real,” Thumpus stated.
“Have you seen one directly, then?” Buttus challenged his partner.
“Well, no, but I’ve heard stories.” Thumpus then motioned to Lance and Allison. “These two just said they were with them, didn’t they?”
Buttus shook his head. “You watch too many hand-puppet plays, Thumpus Rumpus.”
“I do not,” Thumpus responded. “I just watch the one.”
“And what’s that one called?”
Thumpus mumbled something.
“Sorry, what was that?”
“Current Aliens.”
“Exactly!”
“Sorry to interrupt,” said Lance, “but we’re still supposed to get to the castle.”
“It’s called a palace,” Buttus said, still displaying his emotional glee at having triumphed over Thumpus in their debate. “Honestly, are you all from a different world or something?”
Comedic Arthurian Bundle: The Adventures of Queen Arthur Page 29