by Lisa Jackson
“Yes. He heard about your promotion and called to congratulate you. He said you sounded ill and asked him to call a doctor before passing out on the phone.”
The word promotion stood out like a sore.
“Oh my goodness!” Alexa exclaimed, thinking of Radiance and the many meetings she had ahead of her. “I’m supposed to be in New York.” One of the meetings was to plan the publicity details. As editor-in-chief, she knew it was vital that she be present through the entire process.
Beverly stopped her by gently pressing down on her shoulders. “Baby, you aren’t going anywhere. Besides, you were supposed to be in New York four days ago.”
“Four days!”Alexa exclaimed. “I’ve been in here that long?”
“You were pretty sick. The doctor said that your healing depended a lot on plenty of rest and since you were in a lot of pain, he kept you sedated.”
“I got to get out of here!” she cried and pulled back the covers in an effort to sit up again. However, after days of lying still, the blood rushed to her head, making her light-headed. She moaned and fell back against the pillow. Tears of defeat filled her eyes and she began to sob softly.
“No, you don’t,” her mother retorted as she replaced the covers, tucking them neatly into place. “All you have to do is get better. Your job will just have to understand.”
“No, Ma, you don’t understand. Marks-St. Claire is all I got!” The tears rolled like little waterfalls down her cheeks but she was too exhausted to wipe them away.
“No, baby, you don’t understand,” Beverly gently replied as she wiped away Alexa’s tears with a crumpled tissue. “You have made that job your life to the point that you don’t have a life of your own. The only time I’ve ever seen you so happy was a few months back. Now you are a mere shell of what you used to be. Since you got that promotion all you’ve been doing is eating, sleeping and breathing that company. You’re hardly home. It’s obvious that you haven’t had a decent meal, you’re so thin. It’s like you’re going through the motions without any heart. Money and prestige have never been major issues in our family. I don’t like seeing you like this. I want you smiling and happy again. If it means you leaving that company then let it be. There are more important things in life.”
More important things. Those words rang in her head. Like what? Darius? She couldn’t even hold on to that belief. The last time they were together, he told her in certain terms that it was over between them. Her mother didn’t understand that the happiness that was there was now gone and she had to make the best of what was left in her life.
“But I have a house and bills to pay. Remember you said a woman has to be independent and have her own to be successful. Isn’t that important?”
Beverly shook her head with a pitiful expression. “That is not all there is to life. I want to apologize to you and your brother for every thought I planted in your heads. I was going through my own personal problems and I didn’t have sense enough to see what I was creating in you two. I wasn’t woman enough to challenge your daddy’s ways because I believed it wasn’t my place. I was raised to believe that the man was the head of the household, and he made the decisions benefiting the family. Even if I thought it was wrong, I was too afraid to speak my own mind. Now that we have separated, I see that it’s not hard to do. In fact, men actually respect that more than anything else.” She sighed with a sad look on her face.
“I wish I had known that before now,” Alexa admitted, wiping her tears away. “I tried so hard, Mama, to be what everybody thought I should be. I tried to make the right decisions so that everyone could be happy but it didn’t work. Then the one time I tried to do something that I wanted to do it blew up in my face. Now look at me. I’m damn near crazy because I can’t make up my mind about what I want in my life. I feel like such a failure.”
“You are not a failure,” Beverly said with authority. She embraced Alexa with a tight hug. “You’re only human. We all make mistakes. Look at me.” She took Alexa’s face in her hands. “I almost cut off my blessings by nearly destroying my marriage. I could have and should have done things differently, but I’ve asked for forgiveness from your daddy and the Lord and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make things right again. I just needed to say that because I want the curse of broken marriages to be broken before they get started.”
“Mama, I need to apologize because I haven’t been completely honest with you either.”
Alexa proceeded to share the painful details concerning her short-lived marriage. “So I’m not perfect either. The trouble is that I don’t think I can fix mine.”
Alexa was relieved when Beverly refrained from negative comment.
“Anything is fixable if you want it bad enough,” she said instead. Her words reminded Alexa of Maya’s statement.
Alexa reached for Beverly’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “Thanks, Ma, for not judging me and for listening as a friend.”
Beverly smiled through her tears and gave her daughter a hug. As she pulled back, she reached up and brushed aside Alexa’s bangs lovingly.
“I’m going to stay here with you until you get better,” she announced.
Alexa welcomed her proposal, because she knew that she needed personal care for awhile. Besides, she really wanted the company.
“I have to call the company to let them know that I will be out.”
“It’s done. Sean contacted them for you. Your boss called this morning to say that your medical leave was approved,” Beverly promptly replied.
Alexa sighed. “I guess I can forget about being editor-in-chief of Radiance. We had a deadline and I don’t think that they will stop the presses on my account.”
“If that is what happens then it was meant to be,” Beverly plainly stated. “I’ve learned over the past few months that when we are not focused on the right things, the Lord allows for situations to come into our lives to bring us back to Him. If it were meant for you to keep your position then time will tell, but for now we are on His time.”
Chapter 25
Restoration was exactly what Alexa needed. Her doctor couldn’t understand how she had managed to keep her crazy schedule as long as she had. She had a good amount of fluid in her lungs. Had it remained undetected another week, the results could have been fatal.
In addition to an antibiotic, her prescription included lots of rest, nutritious meals and reduced stress at all costs until her body was completely functioning at an optimal level.
As Alexa suspected, the magazine had to move forward. Regretfully so, she was informed by Mrs. Holland that she was replaced in her position as editor-in-chief. She tried consoling her, stating that it had nothing to do with her but was a business decision. She promised that there would be more opportunities for Alexa in the future and advised that she not be too disheartened. Despite her loss, Alexa was happy to learn that her successor was Tia Perez. Tia was a hard worker and more deserving than anyone else she could think of.
It took awhile before Alexa could start viewing her illness not as a setback but as the beginning of change in her life. Her lifestyle was consuming her. The long hours and neglecting herself and the important things in her life were becoming too much like the norm. She hadn’t even taken time to keep in touch with her family or her friends. Subconsciously, she felt that those who were not related to Marks-St. Claire were viewed as time wasters.
As promised, Alexa’s mother stayed in Denver to help out during her recuperation period. They were both able to spend quality time together where they talked about some personal issues.
On one particular evening, mother and daughter sat down to share a heartfelt discussion. All along, Alexa thought she lived a life that was on the opposite side of the female spectrum from her mother. She believed she was more driven because she chose to pursue her career goals and actually attained most of them at an early age.
It had been all about her career and she placed everything, including love and having children on the back burne
r for success. While Alexa’s definition of success was making a mark in the corporate arena, Beverly’s was creating a comfortable home life for her husband and children.
In the early years of their marriage, all Beverly wanted to do was succeed at being a good wife by pleasing her husband. She also wanted to be the picture-perfect mother, baking the cookies, helping with the homework, ensuring that Alexa and Justin were properly dressed and well fed. She placed so much energy in her home and family that one day she woke up and felt drained.
Alexa vividly remembered this period because her mother started behaving differently.
“I guess our lives mirrored each other’s more than we thought,” Alexa said with a sigh.
Beverly nodded. “But that doesn’t mean we have to dwell on our past mistakes or beat ourselves up for the choices we made. We need to learn how to move ahead.”
Days later, Alexa felt strong enough to walk around the house. She and Beverly got to do activities that they used to enjoy together like cooking and gardening. Alexa was meaning to landscape her yard but never had the time to do it. So the pair went to Home Depot and bought materials, flowers and shrubbery. They also made time to take in a few cultural events around the town. One being the second run of Bring in ’Da Noise.
Alexa could not agree with the reviews more; the performance was excellent! While leaving the theatre, she was surprised to run into Sean accompanied by a date. She immediately ran over and greeted him with a hug. Both Sean and his date were taken by surprise by her actions.
“What brought that on?” Sean asked with a surprised look on his face.
“For saving my life. I learned that it was you who called the ambulance. I appreciate your looking out for me like that,” she told him, and then extended her hand to his date so as not to exclude her from the conversation. “Hi, my name is Alexa. I’m a friend of Sean’s. I hope you realize what a good man you have. Treat him well.”
“Thank you,” the woman meekly replied.
With a parting wave, Alexa entwined her arm with her mother’s and the two walked away. Suddenly a feeling of elation came over that she had never felt before. If she could, she felt like going back to everybody she had ever unknowingly mistreated and ask for their forgiveness. Even those who she thought did not deserve it. However, she knew that though the number was small, it may not be possible. What she did know was that the Lord knew her heart and there was one person that she had to contend with whether she liked it or not.
She reflected on this alone in her den as she sat in the glider reading one Sunday afternoon. I will be strong enough to face him, she told herself as she closed the book. She knew the day was coming soon because in a few short weeks Darius would be moving to Detroit to start his business. She had to catch him while his mind was free.
Monday would be her first day back at work on a full-time basis. Most of the work she had been doing was done at home and involved nothing more than editing articles. She was somewhat apprehensive about getting back to her old routine. It would be strange confronting her peers knowing that she would not do so in the same capacity. She prayed that the transition would be a smooth one.
A month’s absence at Marks-St. Claire seemed more like a year. Much had changed. With the onset of the new magazine, some major restructuring took place that affected the home office. One of the effects hurt Alexa deeply. The elimination of the design department meant that her good friend Bernie was out of a job. The company couldn’t offer her a position comparable to what she had been doing or making for that matter and ended up letting her go with a severance package.
In addition, Jesse was promoted to cover editor when the former editor abruptly resigned. Rumor had it that he had accepted a VP position with a publishing company in New York. However, no one could be too sure because it had not been formally announced.
Alexa was glad when lunchtime rolled around. As usual, she agreed to meet Teressa in the cafeteria. Standing in the entrance, Alexa scanned the room for her friend until she spotted her at the registers paying for a salad and a bottle of water. She smiled, shaking her head; Teressa was still determined to get into her size eight dress. She didn’t have the heart to tell her that her crash diet wasn’t serving her well.
“Hey, girl!” Teressa greeted as Alexa approached. After placing her tray on the table she gave Alexa a big hug.
“Hey,” Alexa said with a smile. It felt good to see her friend. She had been receiving hugs, cards and calls from well-wishers welcoming her back all day. She was rendered speechless when her coworkers surprised her with a huge basket of flowers, a card and a gift certificate for lunch at her favorite restaurant.
The two sat down and Alexa began to remove the contents of her lunch. Before leaving, Beverly had prepared, packed and stored what seemed like a ton of entrees in Alexa’s freezer. Alexa smiled with appreciation at the tasty home-cooked meals each time she removed the cover. Lunch today was shepherd’s pie.
“You look good, girl,” Teressa commented on Alexa’s appearance. “Very well rested.”
“Thanks,” Alexa replied. She too had noticed how healthy she looked as she got ready that morning.
“I guess taking time out to pamper yourself after a nervous breakdown will do that for you.”
Alexa’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped at Teressa’s comment. “What did you say?”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Teressa said, shrinking back into her chair with a guilty look on her face.
Alexa laughed more out of astonishment than humor. “No, you said it now. You think I had a nervous breakdown?”
Teressa shrugged. “That’s what I heard.”
“But you know I was sick, Teressa. I told you I had a severe case of mono on top of a respiratory infection.”
Teressa lowered her eyes in shame. “I know that is what you told me, but you wouldn’t call me or return my calls. You wouldn’t even accept visitors. I just assumed you were too embarrassed to tell me the truth.”
“Teressa, I had to work through some personal issues involving both my marriage and my mother. She was here to help me work through them. We spent a lot of well-needed time together.”
Teressa pushed her tray away as if losing her appetite. “I’m sorry, Alexa. I should have been more sensitive. Please forgive me.”
Alexa peered around the crowded lunchroom. “Is this why people are walking around looking at me all pitiful?”
Teressa shrugged her shoulders. “I can’t speak for them, but that is what was going around.”
Alexa’s natural impulse was to tell Teressa off but she knew deep down that she couldn’t. Doing so would only validate in people’s minds what they assumed was true. Although she didn’t care what people thought, she was determined to end the gossip right then and there.
“I forgive you, Teressa, but please as my friend, understand that I would not lie to you about anything. If we are going to remain friends, we have to respect each other. That means if I tell you something, I need you to trust that I am telling the truth, okay?”
Teressa nodded with downcast eyes like a child who had been scolded by her mother.
“Now that we’ve squared that away, how are you coming along with your wedding plans?”
Teressa glanced up nervously into Alexa’s eyes and knew that she had been forgiven. She vowed from then on to be the best friend that she could be.
Alexa’s anxieties regarding her position at Marks-St. Claire did not diminish by the end of the week. In fact with each day, her restlessness grew. Although her prayer life was steady, she still felt like something wasn’t right. She reached for the phone to call her mother for support, but abandoned the idea and quickly hung up.
She came to a silent conclusion: “I’ve got to work this thing out on my own.”
Now here she stood in her old office feeling like a trespasser. Yes, she had given Marks-St. Claire her all and they had rewarded her for every bit of her dedication. But there was a persiste
nt nagging inside that would not go away.
She sank into her chair and buried her face in her hands and surrendered her future. She prayed for strength, the ability to trust and guidance. Then feeling a sense of peace, she got up, fixed her makeup and went to go do what she had to do.
Chapter 26
Alexa smiled at the sight of the sun rising across the horizon. The picturesque view was symbolic and paralleled the latest chapter in her novel of life.
As the sky transformed from black velvet to a myriad of deep purple and lavender ending at magnificent shades of oranges and yellows, her heart lifted with hope that she too would have a ray of hope, another moment to shine; another chance.
Her car was packed with enough personal belongings to carry her through a couple of weeks. Handing in her resignation was the hardest, yet easiest thing to do. The fact that the obligation she felt she owed the company was so strong saddened her, but the idea of walking away on her terms was freeing. Not only had Marks-St. Claire been good to her, but Mrs. Holland as well.
She led the path for her as well as many other ambitious women at the company. She set the standard and the others followed with much respect. Alexa was glad that she took her resignation well. It was no secret that Alexa was well respected by the older woman. Alexa, however, was now determined to stop others from influencing her into making decisions that were not good for her. No matter how much money they offered or the title they put before her name, it all would not matter if she had to sacrifice herself or the ones she loved in the process.
She only wished she had adopted this philosophy before her breakup with Darius. It seemed like after her spiritual encounter, she saw with new eyes. For the first time, she could actually understand Darius’s position on what happened. The first time she recognized that, she cried.
Darius was a wonderful presence in her life. He had taught her so many things that she would cherish forever. Whereas before, she was consumed by her own issues, Darius helped her to acknowledge the needs of others who were not as fortunate. She actually began to see those around her: homeless people, blue-collar workers; people who were not as fortunate as her to be blessed with a good education or career. From that point on, she adopted the belief that success was nothing without the one you love.