by Phoebe Lane
"Enough, Aislynn. Just…let me help you. What happened?"
"I cut my hand," she said as she unwrapped the towel from her hand.
"Shit! Let me take you to the hospital," he said with concern. "How much did you drink tonight?"
"I'm fine. I just had one drink…I needed to calm down, I guess."
"Did you take anything else? And please, just tell me the truth."
"Wait, what?" she asked, confused at first. Then her face paled and her eyes opened wide, the true meaning of his question finally setting in. "No! I would never do that! What the hell, Jace?" she said angrily, standing up from the sofa and walking away from him.
"I'm sorry, but what am I supposed to think?" he asked, a bit louder than what he intended. "I walk in here, you look like hell, there's blood everywhere, this place is a mess, Ellie is calling me freaking out—"
"Ellie? What did she say?" she asked nervously.
"She's worried about you. Her plane was delayed, and she begged me to come here to check on you. She wouldn't tell me anything else."
Jace felt very frustrated. His lips were pressed tightly and his brows furrowed. It was obvious there was something major going on with her, and even though he knew this wasn't the right time to push her, it hurt him that she was being so inconsiderate of his efforts.
Aislynn's shoulders relaxed and she walked back to where he was standing. "I'm sorry, Jace. I don't do stuff like this…It's really hard for me to have you here, seeing me…like this. I'm a mess, and I don't like…I'm not the damsel in distress type, okay? I don't lose control in front of people."
Jace reached for her hand and pulled her to him, holding her until he felt her relax in his arms. "It takes more strength to let someone help you than to push them away. You taught me that, babydoc. Please learn to follow your own advice," he whispered in her ear.
Aislynn responded by holding him tighter, allowing silent tears to flow. "Let's just get you to the hospital, and we can talk about it when we come back. I'll follow your pace on this, but you have to promise me we'll talk about it, okay?" Aislynn nodded softly.
Jace got her some water and put her in the car. He drove her to the acute care center in silence, hugging her to him the whole way there. The woman at the front desk recognized Aislynn as soon as they walked in the door.
"Ms. Currington, you're back. You left so abruptly. Are you okay?"
"Yeah…I still need my hand to get looked at," Aislynn said somberly.
"Of course. Come right in."
Jace helped her fill out the paperwork, while they waited for the doctor in the examining room. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and reached for it.
"It's Ellie. I'm not supposed to use this in here. Let me go fill her in on what's going on. I'll be right back." Aislynn nodded and shivered. Jace pulled off his jacket and put it over her shoulders. "Do you need anything else?"
"No, I'm okay now," she said with a tremulous smile on her face.
The doctor stepped into the exam room a few minutes after Jace left. He asked her a few questions about what had happened and about her medical history, and then started working on stitching up her hand.
"You'll need to keep this dry. I'll give you a prescription for some pain medication. The cut was pretty deep but it didn't get any tendons. If there is any redness—"
"Signs of infection. I know all this, thanks," Aislynn said, trying to be polite but failing at it.
"Are you a nurse?"
"Doctor," Aislynn said flatly.
"Really?" he asked, surprised. She nodded and resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "What's your specialty?"
"Psychiatry."
"That's great," he said with a playful smile, and made casual conversation about the school he had gone to and his work in the clinic. "We need one of your kind around here. We get a lot of patients that could use your help. Any chance you're looking for a job?"
"Not really," Aislynn answered, noticing that Jace had walked into the room at some point during their conversation.
Why does he look so irritated?
"And she's not looking for a boyfriend either. She's got one already," Jace said rudely.
A tense silence took over the room. "Sorry, man. I didn't mean anything by it," the doctor said, embarrassment clear in his voice.
Aislynn glared at Jace, feeling annoyed and, admittedly, somewhat flattered and turned on.
The doctor finished bandaging Aislynn's hand and continued, "Dr. Currington, if you have any signs of infection, please come back so that I can take a look at it. The nurse will be back in to give you your prescription and your discharge papers."
"Thanks, Dr. Walsh," Aislynn said and waited for the doctor to leave the room. She immediately turned to Jace, a deadly stare on her face. "I didn't know you had gone to caveman school. What the hell was that?" Aislynn demanded.
"He was flirting with you and I didn't like it," he said, clearly not feeling the need to apologize for his behavior.
"Do you plan to hit me over the head and drag me out of here by my hair just to show him you're my…boyfriend?" Aislynn hesitated on saying the last word. They hadn't officially categorized their relationship until that moment.
Jace approached her cautiously and brought her injured hand to his lips. "You've got to admit your hair is the perfect length for that," he said with a mischievous smile, which made Aislynn melt. "And for the record, I want you to be my girlfriend."
Aislynn took a deep breath while she waited for her brain to connect back with her mouth. She was all for a man being protective, but this possessive streak had to be kept in check, even if it made her girly parts tingle.
In any case, his smile quickly made all her annoyance disappear. "I've never dated a caveman. You're gonna have to teach me how to hunt."
"Don't worry, babydoc. I'll take care of you. Let's go home."
Jace took Aislynn to the apartment to get some of her things, convincing her to stay at his place for the night. In the midst of her breakdown, she hadn't noticed how much damage she had done to the place. She started cleaning up, grabbing the broom and dustpan to pick up the glass on the kitchen floor.
"Aislynn, just leave it. Ellie is on her way; she'll take care of it."
"But, I should—"
"Come on. You're tired and in pain. You'll just end up hurting yourself again. Let me take you home, please."
Aislynn agreed, realizing she was only trying to stall the inevitable. Jace was going to ask lots of questions she wasn't ready to answer, and it was going to be an incredibly hard conversation to get through.
She was visibly tense on the ride to his house. He often had to bring her attention to how hard she was squeezing his hand. She was grinding her teeth and the pressure was triggering a headache. Her foot was constantly moving, and waves of nausea kept assaulting her.
"It's fine, babydoc. Tonight we rest. Tomorrow we talk," he said.
Once they were at the beach house, Aislynn took a hot shower while trying hard to keep her hand dry. When she came out of the bathroom, she found Jace already showered and in bed, reading a book. He walked over to her to check the bandages.
"Are you in pain? Do you want to take one of the pain pills?"
Aislynn hesitated, not wanting to take anything that would affect her like the sleeping medicine had done before. "Maybe just half of one?"
"Don't be stubborn. Take the whole thing. Here," he said, handing her the pill and a glass of water. "This will make you sleep. You need to rest."
They both got in bed, and Jace wrapped his arm around her, while Aislynn snuggled to his side. She loved the way he ran his fingers gently through her damp hair in a soothing motion. He didn't make her talk; he didn't ask questions. He just held her tight.
"I'll be here, babydoc. Just sleep."
"Jace?" she whispered, as she felt the medication take effect. Her eyelids felt suddenly heavy, and her breathing slowed.
"Hmmm?"
"I missed you."
"I mis
sed you too, babydoc. I'm so glad you're safe."
And with that, Aislynn gave in to sleep.
Aislynn stood in front of the ocean for a long time, taking in the calm around her, watching the water inch farther and farther away from her toes as the tide receded. It was early morning, the sun had just started to rise, and her other source of peace was still in bed.
Aislynn wasn't concerned about running into Christopher on the beach, knowing he wouldn't approach her with Jace around. She was worried, though, about the conversation she knew she needed to have with Jace, and wished he hadn't seen her break down the night before. It made things even more complicated and uncomfortable for her.
"Coffee?" She startled as Jace whispered in her ear.
"You're a saint. Thanks," she said, grabbing the coffee mug and snuggling in his arms.
"You couldn't sleep?" he asked and kissed her softly on the neck.
"I needed to think, and this view really helps me organize my thoughts. Watching you sleep, on the other hand, was incredibly distracting," she said with a coy smile.
Jace chuckled and took a sip of his coffee. He didn't say anything else, but Aislynn could sense his expectation. He was clearly giving her time, and she definitely needed it to reel in the emotions that started overtaking her.
All right, here we go.
"Yesterday was the anniversary of the day my ex-boyfriend…broke things off with me. I somehow blocked it out completely, and when I finally realized what day it was, it hit me hard. It's stupid, really. I totally overreacted—"
"No," Jace said with a stern voice, and turned to face her directly. "Ellie warned me about this. You're trying to pretend things are okay, and that yesterday wasn't a big deal. I know all about not trusting people and carrying around your past, Aislynn. There's obviously more to this story. Please, just tell me."
Damn it! What the hell had Ellie told him? There's no way out now. You're gonna have to tell him.
Aislynn felt like she was free-falling into a hole of despair and agony—her stomach dropped, her breathing faltered, and her heart beat furiously. It was like there was nothing for her to hold on to, and there was no way to stop it from happening. This conversation was going to be one of the hardest things she had faced in a long time.
Going against every instinct in her body, Aislynn looked up at him. When their eyes met, something extraordinary happened—he suddenly became her anchor. She imagined herself as a boat, floating away in the same ocean that stood before her. She felt as the waves crashed on her and the currents tried to steer her away, but there was no fear. She had Jace now; her anchor wouldn't let her drift off into the abyss.
It'll be fine. Just tell him.
With a deep breath and newfound confidence in her voice, she began to tell her story. "Did I ever tell you I'm an only child?"
"Aislynn, please, we need to talk about this—"
"I'm trying. Just...I want to explain things the right way. I'm not trying to get off subject, I promise."
"Okay, I'm sorry. Go ahead," he said, grabbing her hand and kissing it softly.
"My mom had me when she was still really young. She didn't adjust well to being a stay-at-home mom, and she couldn't handle the day-to-day pressure of marriage and caring for a baby full-time without having any opportunities to pursue her other interests.
"As a result, the marriage suffered. I have vivid memories of my parents screaming at each other across the dinner table when I was about four or five. My mom resented my dad for working all the time, although I suspect work became an escape for him…an escape from her. Some men drink, others sleep around; he worked."
Aislynn paused to take a sip of her coffee. Even with Jace's peace and anchoring force, she felt wound up. It was an inevitable occurrence anytime she talked about Pam and her childhood.
"My mom did what she needed to do to take care of me, but she was never the affectionate type. She loved me, she still does, but she never showed it in the traditional sense of the word. She didn't attach well, and she resorted to being very critical of me as a way of reaching out and establishing some form of…fucked up bond, if you want to call it that.
"Even to this day, it's either my hair, or my clothes, or my career, or my relationships—you name it, she has an opinion about it. Needless to say, I became a total daddy's girl," she said with a smile that faded quickly.
"My dad walked out on her when I was nine. He made an attempt to be in my life, but my mom was bitter, and she always found a way to ruin my time with him. I became her container, so to speak, for all the anger she harvested toward him. It was all unconscious, of course. I don't think she ever meant to hurt me on purpose; she just didn't know any better. So, when I graduated high school, I ran as far away from her as I could."
Aislynn forced herself to take a deep breath, feeling like the painful memories were robbing her of the oxygen her body so desperately needed to function.
"NYU?" Jace asked after a minute of silence.
"Yeah, I got a full scholarship. That's where I met Ellie and my life finally began to turn around," Aislynn said, her face lightning up. "She was the sister I always wished I'd had. She was so positive, so loving, so loyal…she literally taught me to how to relax and enjoy life, giving me a chance to look at myself in a different light.
"It wasn't until after I went into psychiatry that I was able to comprehend the major role Ellie had played in my life. She helped me realize that the internal view I had of myself—my inner voice—was actually Pam's and not mine. To this day, I still struggle with having my own voice and being able to turn hers off in my head."
"From what happened the other morning, I gather you two still don't get along?" he asked softly.
"Not much has changed. Even after becoming an adult and learning to understand all these things, she still manages to upset me," she said somberly. "And you know what the sad part is? I feel really guilty for being so angry with her all the time."
"How is that possible?" he asked, clearly confused. "I mean, how do you make sense of a mom who is so hurtful, even if it's unconscious?"
"You have to understand that, in my line of work, I get to hear atrocious stories about abusive and neglectful parents. Pam failed as a mom in many important areas, but she never did anything like that to me. I was never abused or neglected."
"Abuse and neglect are not the only ways you can hurt your children, and you know that, Aislynn," Jace said.
"I guess my reasoning is that, compared to others, I didn't have it so bad. You're always going to meet someone who's had it worse than you," Aislynn said.
"That's not fair to you, though. You can't compare yourself to other people like that, or choose to ignore how your particular experience impacted your life," Jace said.
Aislynn was truly impressed with the immediate level of understanding and insight he had into the complex dynamics of what she was explaining. She stepped closer to him and buried her face in his neck, needing to touch him, smell him, and feel a physical connection with him. He embraced her and rubbed his free hand up and down her back.
"I know I really shouldn't bitch about this, but…" Aislynn said, getting lost in a memory. "I never got over the fact that she refused to get me an Easy Bake Oven for my tenth birthday. She said that I was never going to be able to make anything edible with it because I took after my father, and he had always been a terrible cook."
"Oh, hell," he said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Is it okay that I hate her a little right now?"
Aislynn nodded, sat down on the floor, and pulled Jace down to sit next to her. "Anyway, I was finishing my senior year in college back in New York when my dad got sick. I decided to go back to Texas for med school so that I could be close to him. He had never remarried, and he was doing a horrible job of taking care of himself."
Aislynn gulped audibly, and wrapped her arms around her legs. "He died during my last year of med school. He didn't get to see me graduate," she said, tears spilling over.
Jace put his arm around her shoulders and let her cry, which she appreciated. She hadn't allowed herself to cry about her dad, or anyone else, in a long time.
"Ellie was away in New York, and my mom was being her usual self, so I focused all my energy into work after that. Now that I think about it, I realize that I did exactly what my dad had done when I was a little girl," Aislynn said, wiping her tears away.
"My mom remarried a few years ago, but I never cared for her new husband. I had no other family members around, and I was too busy in med school to establish any close relationships, so I pretty much dedicated myself to getting through my training. Unfortunately, even though I really wanted to leave Texas, I had just accepted a position for residency at the hospital just before my dad died and that decision kept there for another four years." Aislynn looked away and paused before continuing. "That's when I met Christopher."
"The ex-boyfriend?" Jace asked, and Aislynn paused, thinking carefully about her answer.
"The ex-fiancé." Aislynn felt Jace's surprised stare bore into the side of her head, but she couldn't get herself to face him. "When I met him, he very quickly became my whole world, my support system, and the little bit of life I could afford to have outside of work. I didn't have anyone else, and...Ugh, I hate that it sounds so cliché," she said, shaking her head in embarrassment.
"He was older than me, and he already had his own very successful business. He traveled a lot, so my eighty-hour work week fit us perfectly. We had been living together for a few years before he asked me to marry him. It really seemed like he had been ready to settle down…but then he…he ended things two months before the wedding."
"What an ass," Jace said with disgust. "Why did he break up with you?"
Aislynn felt like she had been punched in the stomach. It was the dreaded question that she couldn’t get herself to answer. "Umm…I…I don't know."
Jace stared at her in disbelief, and Aislynn knew she needed to give him some kind of explanation. "After he left me, I really had nothing holding me back in that place, so I decided to leave Texas without getting any answers. I had no plans, no destination, and no regard for the consequences. It was the right thing to do for me at the time and, even though it sounds like a contradiction, it didn't feel impulsive at all.