The PR machine for bad days is considerably less well oiled. If we go as far as to discuss our bad days at all, we tend to give them short shrift with generalizations such as “meh,” an “off day,” “could be better,” or the all-too-familiar “fine.” We rarely elaborate or provide any nuance, preferring not to talk about the ugly, messy inner world below the surface. And understandably so! If you were to answer “How you are doing?” with “Well, not so great, actually,” the room would fall silent. Your conversation partner would feel uncomfortable, the easygoing vibe suddenly gone. No one wants to spoil the party, and so we mutter “good, great!” and carry on.
But the fact that we so rarely talk about bad days also means that we quite literally lack the vocabulary to describe what’s wrong. We struggle to name our negative emotions, and so we struggle to comprehend them.
Just as your doctor prefers you to point out exactly where it hurts and your hairdresser can do a better job if you can make clear what exactly you mean by “just a little off the top,” a larger vocabulary for describing bad days can help you to get to the point faster.
What makes a bad day “bad,” exactly? What’s that gnawing sense? Knowing what you’re feeling in the first place can make a world of difference, and at least it’s a start to more lightness. As the wise poet Rumi wrote so astutely: “The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.” I interpret those words as: Crossing things out is getting to the essence. If you know something is bothering you, you also know what you want to examine and let go of. Therefore, before I go into further detail about shortcuts to a lighter life, we’re going to review some of the language related to bad days.
Often when I think about bad days, an image of dark woods appears in my head. On those days, it can feel like I’m lost in the middle of a dense and shady forest. I enter almost unthinkingly, drawn in by an unpleasant feeling or a negative thought.
Someone says something stupid, or you sense a growing wistfulness. On and on the path winds and, slowly but surely, you begin to wander further into the thicket of your thoughts—the overgrowth is getting denser, the path narrower, with more branches and less light, until you reach the point when you’ve walked for so long that you can’t find your way back anymore.
Getting lost in the Forest of Uncomfortable Feelings is easy. Finding your way out is the complicated part. Long ago, my brother Matthijs and I came up with a name for this feeling of being lost, when a sudden cold fog limits your sight and you can no longer see the forest for the trees. We like to call this a “weeping willow” moment. When I call my brother and tell him “Ugh, Thijs… I’m such a weeping willow today…,” he has heard enough. I have inadvertently strayed into the forest.
Often when you are worrying and pondering, your thoughts end up somewhere completely different from where they started. Perhaps even in a completely different forest, without knowing what is cause and what is effect or how you ended up there in the first place. Sometimes, for example, I feel like crying, and those tears resemble sadness, but what I’m actually feeling is intense fury. Sometimes I’m deeply irritated, but what I’m experiencing is grief over something I lost. As the saying goes, we too often lose the forest for the trees; the idea that we can see the symptoms but lose track of the cause often applies to emotions we would rather not feel.
Finding words for what is bothering you doesn’t automatically mean that it will hurt less or feel less uncomfortable. Still, aimlessly wandering around in the Forest of Uncomfortable Feelings amounts to denying or neglecting your pain, which usually only leads to more pain. Naming our feelings is the first step to acceptance. It provides clarity and thus offers a ground for finding a way out—you can’t find your way out of the forest if you still think you’re on the main road.
Study your Forest of Uncomfortable Feelings closely. Learn how to find your way.
Naturally, in the world of psychology, a lot of research has been done on human emotions and feelings. There are countless conclusions and things worth knowing, often accompanied by diagrams, matrixes, and models. I won’t exhaust you with this information; I’m not a psychologist. Generally, though, it boils down to this: Besides a set of basic emotions, we have a rich palette of related emotions, and in our complex brains, a process takes place that scientists, to this day, still haven’t been able to fully grasp. Think of it like a color wheel: We have the primary colors and a whole rainbow of colors that we’re fairly good at identifying. But beyond that, there is a near-infinite number of shades and hues to discover.
In an effort to better map my own Forest of Uncomfortable Feelings, I started compiling a list. For the past decade, whenever I’ve experienced or noticed an uncomfortable feeling, I’ve scribbled down the description in a little notebook. Small-scope field study, you could say. I did the same for friends and family. Whenever someone was having a hard time and tried to find words to describe a feeling, I grabbed a pen and jotted down what I heard. These words are not about what the person knew. On those bad days, I was primarily interested in how it felt, however foggy and irrational.
And guess what? It turns out there are tons of words to describe uncomfortable feelings! Look at this glossary as a tool, a reference booklet. Perhaps, on a bad day, you can scan the list to check whether one of these terms resonates with the emotion you’re feeling. It’s not a test; there’s no right or wrong. Don’t overthink it; just use it intuitively and for your own personal understanding. Uncomfortable feelings tend to blend into each other like the ink of a wet newspaper, but try to get specific. Call out negative emotions by their name. In doing so, you give them the place in your life that they deserve: out in the open, for all to hear, acknowledged. Remember this: These are only words. You feel your emotions; they don’t define who you are.
Calling Things by Their Name
The Five Great Emotions
Anger: when life feels unjust
Sadness: when life disappoints
Guilt: when you feel you’re responsible for life going wrong
Fear: when, perhaps, there are bears on your road
Shame: when you don’t seem to cut it
I feel… or I’m feeling…
ashamed // mournful // melancholy // angry // vengeful // impoverished // bitter // wistful // chaotic // lost // manipulated // ungovernable // grumpy // small // obsessed // moody // embarrassed // ridiculous // cynical // regretful // jealous // bored // numb // humiliated // unreasonable // remorseful // suspicious // confused // stunned // invisible // insecure // disgusted // sorrowful // frightened // nostalgic // homesick // sidelined // disappointed // unseen // sad // outraged // empty // punched // broken // hurt // lonely // nervous // frenetic // unbalanced // hysterical // jammed // irresponsible // overburdened // humiliated // knocked out // misunderstood // like a failure // unfairly treated // unsure // ugly // unloved // scared // aggressive // breathless // back at square one // betrayed // unsafe // despondent // wobbly // diminished // apathetic // outraged // blown down // impatient // frozen // stressed // unprotected // naked // trapped // discouraged // troubled // tired // hollow // sour // small // conflicted // limited // uncomfortable // disappointed // tearful // hateful // childish // raw // vulnerable // insufficient // cold // totally blank // stiff // uncomfortable // anonymous // gloomy // depressed // tormented // irritated // rejected // uninspired // reserved // fooled // blunted // weak // deceived // inconsistent // triggered // uprooted // tired // tricked // lazy // guilty // abandoned // distraught // untalented // stupid // cornered // stuck in a rut // meaningless // forced // indecisive // baffled // flabbergasted // upset // very, very tired // furious // fragile // desperate // done // alienated // hopeless // exhausted
// Even the Holiest Guru Has His Flaws
Oh, how we love to sanctify our heroes! It is comforting to look up to someone. We may not understand the essence of this complicated existence, but this person, so controlled, so calm, such a pure source of wisdom… It’s marvelous when someone offers you exactly t
he answers that fit your consciousness like missing puzzle pieces. It’s hopeful to see someone so self-actualized and authentic and loving and happy. Some teachers have that ability and are adored like pop stars by their fans and followers. They shine on social media, enchant rooms full of people, write books that will take your breath away.
We learn from the stories of others. Humans have been sharing insights and inspiration about the meaning of life since the very beginning, when we gathered around campfires and water sources to tell each other ancient stories of love and loss, pain and comfort, and good and evil.
And how wonderful that we’re no longer living in an age when our personal growth depends on the stories of our ancestors or the wisdom of a random minstrel who just happens to pass by. Countless wise fellow humans are just a click away! The world and all its wisdom is at your fingertips. And there is a good chance that somewhere out there, someone has the missing insight for your mental well-being.
Thanks to my work and my personal interest, I have met, seen, heard, or otherwise witnessed in passing many wise people. I have had the privilege to go backstage with the Dalai Lama and Eckhart Tolle, have spoken one-on-one with Byron Katie, Esther Perel, and Sharon Salzberg, and have accompanied Elizabeth Lesser, Thupten Jinpa, and Mark Nepo at our festivals. My work often offers front-row seating for some of the most interesting, wise thinkers of our time. I have always thought of these experiences as educational and formative, but they also put things into perspective. “Even the holiest guru has his flaws” is a maxim, coined by my colleague Adrienne, that is regularly heard around the offices of Happinez.
It means: Everybody has their shortcomings, which is true. Truly ev-er-y-bo-dy. However pristine the attire, how serene the gaze, how wise their words: These are people, imperfections and all. That includes that amazing yoga teacher with her boundless energy, and that inspiring hero with his mind-blowing self-help program, as well as that influencer with the drool-worthy Instagram feed and even that enchanting writer with his poetic one-liners.
Nobody has a free pass to a carefree life.
However charismatic and inspiring they may be when in action, behind the scenes, they too have moments of being insecure, demanding, unfair, tired, and agitated. Even for the wisest master, life isn’t always carefree and polished. For some people, this can be disillusioning; they may start saying things like: “exposed,” “enlightened much?” or “fraud.” For me, these imperfections don’t tarnish the inspiration these people offer. On the contrary. Their lives offer the hope that, whoever you are, you can reach profound wisdom. No teacher, writer, sage, scholar, or guru has received an invitation to a fruitful inner life that is out of reach for others. In fact, the opposite is true. On closer inspection, many of today’s most lauded and respected teachers have been shaped by their bad days: Gabrielle Bernstein and Glennon Doyle are former drug addicts. Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle were depressed. Elizabeth Gilbert and Cheryl Strayed found themselves confronted with painful losses. The list goes on and on.
It’s not just that these people found great inner freedom in spite of their pain. They found it because of their pain and struggle. They didn’t just wake up full of wisdom and deep insights one morning. Their lives are works in progress. As Elizabeth Gilbert posted on her Instagram account: “The women I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it. They handled it a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes.”
Don’t let yourself be blinded or stunned by spiritual glitter and glamour. Nobody is perfect; nobody’s days are all joy. It’s all right to not be happy once in a while. When you’re having a bad day, you are not bad. Don’t focus your attention only outward; focus also on your own strength, deep inside. At the end of the day, we all go to sleep under the same dark but sublime sky.
// What Uncomfortable Feelings Are Trying to Tell You
Negative emotions have a nice quality for which they rarely get credit: They are valuable advisers. Fear, anger, and sadness feed us. “Shit is the manure of the future,” Happinez founder Inez van Oord is famous for saying. You know, humanity couldn’t have survived if it weren’t for bad days. Apparently, a certain amount of discontent and drive to fix imperfection or imbalance is embedded in our DNA. This is how we survive as a species, because it is precisely by experiencing those emotions that people are forced to invent smarter things over and over again—to improve, to desire, to change, and to fight.
Our human brain is hardwired in such a way that change stimulates our survival instinct. When it gets too uncomfortable, it’s time to change tack. When it hurts, that’s an outright warning of danger. Experiencing both physical and mental resistance is a means to find a way forward through this mortal coil. Just think how you would grope your way through a dark space: You would avoid sharp things, whereas softer shapes would give you confidence. That’s how you progress.
Now that our basic safety is much better taken care of than in earlier eras, we sometimes think that we no longer need those less pleasurable experiences and emotions. But nothing could be further from the truth; they are still a big part of our inner compass, the finely tuned instrument we use every day in order to better understand ourselves and our place in the world. Stowing away bad days or negative feelings disrupts your inner compass. It takes you out of the balance of a mysterious cosmic equilibrium in which everything has its place in a larger narrative. You could compare ignoring these alarms with pushing a ball underwater; that takes a lot of energy, and the moment you release the ball, it uncontrollably shoots up with way too much force, maybe even hitting you in the face.
I Don’t Want Comfort
“But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness, I want sin.”
“In fact,” said Mustapha Mond, “you’re claiming the right to be unhappy.”
“All right then,” said the Savage defiantly, “I’m claiming the right to be unhappy.”
— Aldous Huxley
Who didn’t read Brave New World in high school? The science-fiction novel by Aldous Huxley, published in 1932, describes a perfect society, optimized through technology and science, a place where everyone is completely happy. Art, love, religion, and committed romantic relationships have all been banned; they will only lead to problems. All of the citizens use soma, a drug that makes you feel happy and relaxed. After all, frustrations and negativity will only lead to instability, and according to the leaders of the new world, nothing good can come of that.
Their ideology begins to show cracks when the protagonists begin to sense that something is wrong and decide to investigate. In the end, this is the question Brave New World raises: Is it better to be happy—or to be free? Is a life devoid of feelings or emotions actually worth living? Imagine that you could have a guaranteed pain-free existence at the expense of freedom and authenticity… What would you choose?
// Why It Is So Important to Fully Know Yourself
Look, there’s nobody who, when having a lesser day, will think: Oh, what a wonderful experience this is! Can I do it again tomorrow? It’s tough and exhausting to stay focused and to show up for yourself when it seems like everything sucks and there’s a tumult of emotions raging inside of you. But if you make an effort to examine the dark corners and fringes of your soul, you are taking yourself seriously. It is a form of self-love to weather bad days, however contradictory that may sound, to investigate how to be calm and strong, and to be present in what is there.
When someone asks me what the key to happiness is, I almost always give them the same answer: self-knowledge. I’m convinced that understanding yourself—knowing what switches you “on” and what doesn’t serve you at all, feeling what is right for you while being aware of your weak spots—is essential to navigating the daunting array of available self-help books, courses, methods, and workshops,
to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. If you are looking for the key to happiness, you’ll have to map your own ego.
Personal growth is never a battle with yourself. It is an embrace of yourself.
There are many roads leading inward, and not everyone travels in the same way. To quote the spiritual teacher William Bloom, who gave an interview about modern spirituality in his home in Glastonbury, England: “Try not to carry set convictions about what is spiritual and what isn’t—each human being is open to the miracle of creation in their own way. Reflect on your own convictions and be open-minded about everything that comes your way. Life is a learning process, and there are many ways to explore its meaning and wonders.” Amen to that.
To me, self-knowledge, self-exploration, self-awareness, and self-confidence are magical words for a lighter life. I can already hear some spiritual teachers objecting… “but the self doesn’t really exist—now, does it?” Well. The “self” is a fascinating subject to examine, to be sure, including the question of whether such a self, or ego, serves you or even exists, but you know what? We’re going to park this question for the moment.
However you wish to explore the concept of “self,” for the purposes of this book it doesn’t really matter. On bad days, you are stuck with yourself either way. It’s one of our biggest missions in life to discover who we are and what in God’s name we are doing here. And along that inward path, there’s a lot to cut and prune: anxieties, assumptions, doubts, judgments.
The Handbook for Bad Days Page 2