Don’t sidestep natural and casual physical affection, but let it be and relax about it. An arm, a leg—allow your body to experience intimacy, sex aside.
Give Yourself a Little Shot of Oxytocin
Not in the mood for other people on a bad day? Give yourself a big hug, however cheesy that may sound. Cross your arms and rub your upper arms. Your mind doesn’t have to agree. Allow yourself to feel ridiculous or pitiful; your body will appreciate it in spite of you. Another method is to rub yourself with a nice massage oil. Reassure the soft animal of your body that everything is going to be all right again.
// A Tangerine on Your Chest
How your posture can improve your mood
A tangerine on your chest, a hundred-dollar bill between your buttocks, and an imaginary piece of string pulling you up by the crown of your head—that’s how I was taught to stand up straight in ballet class. Try it sometime: It’s a proud, powerful posture.
Often when people are having a lesser day, it shows a little in the way they carry themselves: shoulders drooping, back hunched, face glued to their screen, or staring down at the sidewalk. They walk sluggishly, swinging their arms like two soggy baguettes. Curling up like that can be nice and actually is quite soothing, when you’re lying on the couch or in bed. The fetal position is super comfy, but standing erect can give you a little push in the right direction.
“Get your rear in gear!” I occasionally say to friends who have cloaked themselves in a heavy mantle of slackerdom. It’s helpful to make your body do some of the work for you. Think about sayings like “chin up” or “stand tall” and you will immediately know what I mean.
Of course, you don’t have to parade around like a happy camper if that is not at all how you feel. You can, however, make your body somewhat cooperate, if only to help you literally navigate your days with more lightness. Do this not for the outside world—although a positive body language can drastically alleviate your lesser days because you’re giving off a different energy—but for yourself, for your inner world.
Using your body as a gently swaying, comfortable vehicle for the self enlightens your existence, more so than throwing your soul down the bumpy cobblestone path of life on a bike with wooden tires.
There is a lot of information available for those who have trouble finding a comfortable, natural body posture. But improving your posture doesn’t necessarily mean an iron gym discipline or rigorous yoga training. Just being aware of the role you assign your body within the mind-body-soul trinity is a step in the right direction already.
Remember when we talked about the three-legged stool of mind, body, and soul? Each leg has to be of equal strength in order to perfectly balance life’s weight. Your body is one of those supports enabling you to be well balanced. And life is simply lighter in a body that has fine-tuned the balance between effort and relaxation.
A light body allows free blood flow; your muscles can do what they need to do; your bones are all properly aligned—they have space, and nothing is forced; your breathing is more natural and free. A straight posture makes your clothes fit more elegantly and makes them feel more comfortable on your body. This has nothing to do with clothing size or beauty standards. Try to embody how you feel, or wish to feel, on the inside. Give your soul a nice home—soft, strong, and familiar.
Another valuable aspect of seeing your body as a “soft animal” is how the image emphasizes the importance of being gentle to it and taking good care of it. Often, we are too hard on our body. We force it into shapes, keep it going under the guise of “mind over matter,” even after it starts to protest; we can even ignore its signals until a breaking point has been reached.
Take good care of your body, like you would care for a soft animal. Pat it. Feed it. Let it breathe. Cherish it. Brush it. Do not judge it. I know how hard this is; I too haven’t always been nice to my body, not feeding it right and wishing it were different than it is. But by now I can sincerely say: Thank you, body. Thank you for your glorious imperfection, your quirkiness, and your love. I won’t ever again force my body into submission.
On tough days, it helps to treat your body with dignity and respect. Mind and body belong together; they mirror each other. It isn’t superficial to wash your hair and put on clean clothes. Neglecting your body because you are having a bad day can seem appealing. And it is perfectly fine to give your body some rest—to eat comfort food and to resist any kind of hassle. Don’t let things get out of hand, though. Neglecting your body can become sloppiness and turn out to be just a quick fix that ultimately won’t fix anything. Rarely does neglecting your body make your days actually lighter.
// Let’s Talk about Sex for a Moment
This is the section my brothers might want to skip
I wish I had begun much, much earlier discussing and experiencing sex as freely as I have done during the past few years. Apparently, you need to be over thirty to do so. Or perhaps that delay happened to fit my personal development. Anyway, owning my sexual energy more freely has brought me many good things. I was neither prudish nor damaged in this department, but I did start to experience sex in a different way—and that has kept an equal pace with changes I’ve experienced in other aspects of my life.
Sex is a vulnerable topic. Although I have a healthy sense of self-worth, I of course do wonder sometimes how attractive I still am, sexually speaking. If you, like me, have given birth to two kids who were clearly above the national birthweight average, you didn’t walk away unscathed. When I take off my clothes, you can read the barcode of my life on my body, and no personal trainer or cosmetic surgeon can magically return it to a blank slate. Do I wish I could trade in my kids for a porn-star body? No, of course not—I’m thankful for what this body can do and what it is giving me. Shapewear works magic, as does standing tall. Naked, however, is still just naked. Every body has a story and an ego that occasionally butts in.
Becoming free from my insecurity about this, even though it was “only” a subtle shift in energy, has been a good step in accepting things as they are. Sex is part of who we are. We are sexual beings, both men and women. Sex is good for your body, it’s good for your energy, it’s good for your soul.
Naturally, there are prerequisites: You should never do anything against your will, never hurt each other’s feelings, and never jeopardize your health. Good sex doesn’t sedate but instead awakens something. Sexual energy is an energy that can prove to be a game changer for some on bad days. Especially on those days, it can be so wonderful to love someone, to release energy, to give up control for a bit, and to be very close to yourself and your desires.
And if you don’t have a lover, be your own. Sexual energy is life energy, it’s creative energy, it’s tantric energy, and it’s a part of our essence. Don’t deny yourself that, because the flame, however small, is burning inside each of us. Sex causes that spark in your underbelly that ignites something positive.
If you are insecure or become all giggly when sex is involved, it’s time to explore why that is. Looking at myself, the way to freedom also coincided with letting go of the expectations others had of me. Above all, sex is not about perfection. In the heat of the moment, it really doesn’t matter how flattering your pose is or whether your mascara is running. On the contrary, sex is about accepting imperfection: the ability to be naked, vulnerable, and primal in the company of yourself and someone else. In that sense, sex is a spiritual exercise.
Of course, feeling sexy on lesser days is a complicated matter. I’m not always in the mood for physical fuss, let alone for parting with my comfy socks and fluffy pink cardigan. But there are also plenty of situations when I thank my lover of the moment for the opportunity to let that sexual energy flow. The endorphins you produce during a bedroom romp work as a natural pain reliever and tranquilizer. Basically, sex is a great way to relax while also having some fun, if you’re in the mood for it. I like saying it: Explore! Make your pleasure a priority.
// Sleep Is Sacred
Zen starts with z’s
If the shortcuts in this handbook were to be ranked, sleep would, without a doubt, end up in the top ten. The relationship between bad days and bad sleep is so direct, so evident, and so essential that sleep assumes a prominent spot among the shortcuts to a lighter life. Whenever I’m struggling—when I’m moody, listless, or melancholic—one of the first things I do is trace my recent sleeping patterns. And sure enough, you can bet that my previous night’s routine was, at least, irregular.
For years, I was able to sleep effortlessly and deeply, so it took me quite a while before I saw the link between my inner peace and my sleep cycle. Ten years ago, I was able to fall asleep anytime and anywhere: on the floor of an airport terminal, in noisy hostels, on collapsed couches—no problem. But those days are over. Now I know what sleeplessness is, as well as sleep deprivation, and how that affects how I’m feeling. That knowledge sometimes prevents me from endlessly ruminating on what is making me feel so meh. Now I know: I need to get a couple of good nights’ sleep. The way you sleep is the way you live.
Just get a couple of good nights’ sleep—I know, I know… easier said than done. Especially when your mind or body are super wired, it can be difficult to let go and surrender yourself to sleep. Sometimes sleep is an unwanted interruption of a busy life; better to first get that quick glass of wine, do some channel surfing, and maybe answer some e-mails instead of wasting precious time sleeping.
Eat, breathe, sleep: Those are the three sacred and essential elements of your Mental Discomfort First Aid kit. If a friend calls me in panic, sorrow, or other trouble, I listen well and then give them more or less the only sound advice I can offer: Make sure you keep eating, breathe as relaxed and deep as you can, and sleep. These are the basic necessities of life on good days, and especially on bad ones.
How much sleep you need depends on your personal circumstances, but broadly speaking you can divide your days into three eight-hour blocks: eight hours of work and activity, eight hours of relaxation and nourishment, eight hours of rest. Sleep is part of that daily cycle, generally between sunset and sunrise. It’s a rhythm to which we all move: up and down, ebb and flow, day and night, activity and rest.
Science has often linked sleep to our health, both mental and physical. It has everything to do with how your brain works and with your body’s self-healing ability. In order to be resilient, you need to give your body the opportunity to replenish itself, uninterrupted, for hours at a time.
Did you know that the soul also goes to sleep at night? In Islam and certain Jewish traditions, as well as some other spiritual circles, there’s a saying that during the night, the soul returns to the source. Regardless of whether you call this source the creator or the light or something else, you can imagine the following: The soul replenishes itself at night in order to return to the body recharged the next morning.
That is why, in many religions, the morning prayer is a thanksgiving prayer, an expression of gratitude for the returned soul and the new day. It’s a beautiful idea, isn’t it, the thought of being plugged in to a mystic charger each night? The notion that you can receive epiphanies at night is also interesting. “Sleeping on something” isn’t just an excuse for postponing a decision; it really is a good idea. At night, your subconscious mind keeps going, which is why you can sometimes wake up with a decision or a solution, just like that. Your own internal system installs updates at night, just like your computer. On bad days, good sleep hygiene is an extra form of self-care.
Devote the same attention to the room where you sleep as to your workspace and the area where you relax. The idea that “nobody’s going to see it anyway” is only partly true: A pleasant and serene bedroom gives you the space to truly relax and is a sanctuary on lesser days.
Tend to Your Bed
Invest in a quality mattress and nice bed linens. Climbing into a hotel bed every night—that’s how comfortable your sheets and covers should be.
Make your bed in the morning, so that in the evening you find a bed that’s inviting to slide into—a bed that exudes care, as if someone (you) is taking good care of you.
Make sure your bedroom is cool and well-ventilated. Nothing is more depressing than wallowing in your own stale sleepiness.
Leave your electronic devices in another room. It really makes a difference.
In general, having screens in the bedroom is a bad idea, because of both the electromagnetic radiation and the distraction. Bookcases or other types of open closets don’t belong in the bedroom either; they are “active” elements, whereas your bedroom should have a more subdued energy.
Feng shui specialist Nina Elshof once told me an interesting fact: For our bedroom, we tend to choose the largest room in the house, and we make the smaller ones the home office or children’s rooms. It’s better to do the opposite: Large rooms, where you are surrounded by open space and where energy can flow freely, make better workspaces. Smaller rooms are more like cocoons with a single, clear function: resting.
If your daily rhythm allows, synchronize your sleep schedule with the daylight cycle.
Thirty minutes before going to bed, reduce all triggers. Dim the light, lower the volume…
Make sure that your room is sufficiently dark. I also wear a sleeping mask, which prevents me from opening my eyes during phases of light slumber.
Whenever my mind is busy, I listen to relaxing music. It gives me a point of fixation. My favorite sleep soundtracks are those based on so-called delta waves, low-frequency sounds that somehow have a calming effect on your brain and are associated with a state of deep sleep. Meditation apps are generally a good place for finding soundtracks that can help you fall asleep.
// Why It’s Better to Just Get Up
The morning is friendlier than you think
I know: It’s no fun waking up on bad days. The hours stretch out before you like a vast ice-skating rink. Another day, another gray. Another twelve hours to survive before you can pull the covers over your head and disappear back into a deep sleep. And I’ll admit right away that I’m no morning person. I’m a world champion in snoozing, rolling over, and procrastinating. For years, I’ve sabotaged my days and undermined my mood this way, and only now that I’ve established (some sort of) a morning routine am I able to look back and think: What a waste of energy.
I thought that staying in bed a little longer meant I was treating myself to some extra rest. But the opposite was true: After lingering in the no-man’s-land between sleeping and waking, I began those days messy and hasty. It takes more energy than it delivers to stay in bed just those few extra moments each morning.
That isn’t to say that I had some sort of evangelical “and then I saw the light!” moment, because in truth I more or less stumbled upon this insight. And I had kids. During their first years, I was forced to get up when they called me. Afterward, when that was no longer the case, I actually lost the ability to enjoy sleeping in. Correction: At first, I called this “lost the ability to do it”; now I prefer “learned how to not do it.”
Early-morning light is a balm for the soul. The morning carries the promise of “another day, another chance,” and if you manage to tap into that, your day will take on a whole different kind of energy.
There are books suggesting that you start your day around 5:00 or 5:30 a.m. I find that a little too early myself, but I applaud people who can actually pull it off. There is a milder version that might suit you. A good starting point is to get up an hour earlier than you want to. If that feels daunting, start half an hour earlier. Or perhaps start with fifteen minutes.
What you want to do with that extra time is to keep your mind in check. Because as soon as you wake up, your brain will kick into gear: What are my tasks for today, who am I going to meet, and what do I think and expect? Building in a morning routine will save your monkey mind a lot of energy, enabling you to start the day slowly.
What your ideal morning routine might look like depends on quite a few e
xternal factors: how many people you share your mornings with, whether or not you have a job that requires you to show up at a certain time, whether or not you have to prepare lunch, whether or not you insist on curling your hair and “putting your face on.” Why don’t you start by charting your absolute must-dos, and think about how you can breathe some air into those? And there definitely are a few general tips for those moments. The ideal morning routine for your soul is not about winning time and optimizing. It’s about being present and about managing energy. Perhaps try a few of these suggestions:
Stand in front of an open window. And—who cares if the neighbors are watching—seamlessly stretch out your arms, channeling Kate Winslet on the deck of the Titanic, and take a deep breath. This one deep breath of fresh morning air connects you with the whole waking world.
Do some stretching. Your body will thank you.
Come up with a resolution and say it out loud. This will set the tone for the day. It doesn’t immediately have to be some grand statement, let alone anything poetic. Perhaps something along the lines of “Today I’ll take some time for myself” or just a single word. Drawing a motivational card can also help. Those are often heartwarming, well thought-out, and inspiring. If you’re in a bad mood, however, “Make it through the day” will suffice.
Eat something you enjoy eating, and drink something you enjoy drinking—things you really enjoy eating and drinking. Fast and convenient can go hand in hand, along with nutritious and good. Quality coffee, freshly made tea. Delicious granola, fresh fruits. The subtle difference between fueling up and feeding yourself can color your day.
The Handbook for Bad Days Page 8