The Handbook for Bad Days

  The Five Stages of Grief for Bad Days

  When you’re mourning a loss, whether big or small, sooner or later someone will point you to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief. But grief is not a step-by-step plan; it’s more of a liquid whole. It can feel as though you’re inside a pinball machine with these five phases, bouncing back and forth between them. Still, knowing and recognizing the five stages can offer helpful guidance.

  1. Anger

  This is your “What the fuck!” response. Why do I have to go through this? What is life doing to me? This is the stage when you want to smash things, want to hit someone, when you might be looking for a scapegoat. Unreasonableness is your best friend at this stage, perhaps together with mild aggression. These are not welcome emotions; they run counter to self-control and decency, which we value highly in our culture. But anger is an emotion from your basic toolkit, and it can easily be aimed at something. Anger is like the element of fire: You can make it flare up high, but it’s best to do it in a somewhat controlled way; otherwise, your anger may cause irreparable damage. Pick an endurance sport, get in the boxing ring, or find some other outlet. I always find my car an excellent place to curse at the top of my lungs.

  2. Bargaining

  This is the stage in which you want to negotiate the circumstances. You’re not giving up yet. This isn’t game over. There’s an emerging energy that spurs you into action. You want to push boundaries, set yourself goals, all in a brave attempt to take fate back into your own hands. People who are grieving can make big decisions based on this emotion; they can go through major lifestyle changes, such as quitting their job, changing their diet, or starting a new sport. Or they can make resolutions to, for example, “never drink again” or “always say yes.” It’s an “if, then…” negotiation. You are trying to regain your security with the same force with which it was taken from you.

  3. Denial

  No, our relationship isn’t over at all; we’re only giving each other some space. Or: Tomorrow everything will be back to normal. It’s listed as the third stage, but denial is often the first impulse after a loss. It’s actually a very sweet mechanism our brain uses to try to protect us from a painful truth that is perhaps larger than we are able to grasp. When, often unconsciously, you refuse to face the truth, you can continue to carry on for a little while—on autopilot, if need be. Survival comes first. Children do this when they’re confronted with news they can’t immediately process: They blink their eyes a couple of times and keep on playing. Later that evening, they’ll suddenly burst into tears. Sometimes reality doesn’t hit you all at once.

  4. Depression

  And then comes the realization that it actually is true. And that nothing more can be done: no screaming, no fighting, no denial. Everything leads toward the same conclusion: the present reality is as it stands. It’s a feeling of powerlessness. And feeling helpless is terrible. I know what I’m talking about. Sadness has many faces: Some people retreat into themselves and become apathetic and almost impossible to reach. Others become hysterical and start spinning. Often the new grief invokes an old grief.

  5. Acceptance

  Acceptance is sometimes also called adaptation: It isn’t that you accept what has happened but that you begin to reorganize around your grief. A sort of acquiescence sets in. Sometimes you get to this stage quickly, and sometimes you have to wait a long time for it. I always imagine my own mourning processes as taking place in a tiny laboratory where I stop by now and again to see how things are going. One sorrow has evaporated, another is still bubbling, and that mourning over there can perhaps be moved to a back burner.

  // Healthy Egotism

   Feel free to prioritize yourself

  You don’t have to have low self-esteem or be a people pleaser to admit that it isn’t always so easy to give priority to yourself over what the world asks, demands, and wants from you. It’s amazing how often we are willing to do something for someone else that we deny ourselves with the greatest ease. I myself do this even with the most basic, practical things: taking the time to cook a healthy meal for others but munching on crackers with hummus when I’m by myself. Or listening to a friend for hours when I actually had planned an evening of “me time.”

  Life is a matter of give-and-take. Only taking isn’t very chic and certainly not a sign of greatness. But just giving, however altruistic or “good” it may sound, isn’t a sign of greatness either. When saying yes to someone else means saying no to yourself, that’s something to at least be aware of. It’s wonderful to be open, approachable, generous, and helpful. But if that is predominantly how others see you and you never receive anything in return, you are no more than a living hologram: a projection. Such a life is just as vain and unsteady and, in the end, empty as that of an egotist.

  It seems nice, being a pleaser. Look at me. I’m willing to do anything for others! But make no mistake, this is another form of egotism. Often, it’s a way to make you feel indispensable, or to solicit compliments, which are a fantastic fix for the ego. We can become addicted to these booster shots.

  But ask yourself whether you actually are doing others a favor. Maybe your actions are denying others the chance to come up with their own solution. Besides, are you able to love yourself without that feeling that others need you? Is there enough left over for you? An unhealthy egotist doesn’t just take excessively but can also be someone who gives excessively. Healthy egotists also derive satisfaction from taking care of themselves.

  Healthy egotism also has to do with self-love and self-compassion. These terms are inextricably connected. You have to find yourself worthwhile in the same way you find others worthwhile. Positive, protective self-interest starts with the conviction that you deserve just as much as anyone else. No more, no less. Just as much. It’s the knowledge that you matter, and that your contributions matter.

  Giving yourself the space and grace to value yourself exactly as you are isn’t easy, and it’s doubly hard on bad days, when your inner critic may be screaming in your ear about what is wrong with you and your life. If this voice chimes in, stand up for yourself. Defend yourself and comfort yourself as you would defend your friends. If you can be kind to yourself and take care of yourself, you will be an example to others—even if this means not joining someone for a drink because you are exhausted. Perhaps that friend didn’t really feel like going out either.

  Healthy self-centeredness is an art that requires positive, honest, and constructive thoughts about who you are and what you are busy doing. One of the simplest ways to practice this is to take a step back and see yourself as your own most precious friend. How would you take care of that friend? What would you say to them? An “Are you sure you should do that?” you can imagine asking someone else is also an “Am I sure I should do this?” you should ask yourself.

  Closely examine your motivation for doing or not doing something. Why you are considerate to others. Or what you consistently choose for yourself. Are your decisions or behavior motivated by love or by fear? Do you feel you deserve more or less than others? Should you be compensated for something? Are you afraid of missing out or getting shortchanged? These questions may not yield pleasant answers, but if you are able to be honest with yourself, you will create space for something lighter.

  Self-love and self-compassion lower stress levels, reduce the negativity in your life, and increase your chances of gaining success, happiness, and a sense of inner peace. You don’t need to always formulate exactly why you are making a certain decision. Sometimes an intuitive impulse is enough. Just ensure that the decision to do something for someone else is just as good and natural an opportunity to do something for yourself. Your intuition can function perfectly as a measuring instrument for this: Often you’ve already sensed what is right and it all comes down to courage. And if you can’t get a good sense of what you want, if you cannot reach that pure knowing, then examine which people, situations, or convictions are causing static on the line.


  And, yes, it’s freakin’ difficult to do this in practice. Not only because you have to deal with the possible reactions of others (you won’t be surprised to know that if you stop people pleasing, people won’t be pleased!), but also with your own criticism and fears: I have to do this, otherwise no one will. I shouldn’t do this, because otherwise he/she will stop loving me.

  Finally, here’s a perhaps painful reality, but perhaps also a great relief: You are not that important. Whatever choice you make, most likely the world will continue to spin, and everyday life will envelop the consequences of your decision like spray foam, as if there had never been room for other options. In most cases, the well-being of humanity doesn’t rest on your shoulders. The universe can be quite indifferent to everyday worries that to you may seem Very Important. In the grand scheme of things, they are totally insignificant. Reminding yourself of that can really put things in perspective.

  // Choice Overload

   When you don’t know anymore

  Never do something you don’t want to do. It’s one of those dime-a-dozen bits of life advice that sounds rational and lovely but ultimately makes me want to tear my hair out. Not everything in life is a choice you can address with a simple “yes, please” or “no, thank you.” There’s a kind of bottom line, where things sometimes just are imperative, whether you feel like it or not. Even not choosing is a choice. In practice, this adage is about something else: owning your choices. Knowing what you do and why, and then just doing it.

  A recent cover of O, The Oprah Magazine read “What do you stand up for?” A friend from Los Angeles sent it to me because it was such a powerful question. What do I stand for? What do I fight for? You know, deep down, that certain things in life are so pure and true that you are willing to stand up for them. Once you know for yourself what these things are, the choice overload becomes a little lighter. Every choice you make will either bring you something or take something away. It’s up to you to guard that equilibrium.

  Nobody chooses pain, sickness, or hardship. Nevertheless, you show up for those challenges because they make an appeal to deeper values like compassion, self-care, and balance. Sometimes you have to do things that are sad or painful. And, to be clear, you always have the option to run away. You could move to the other end of the world. But when faced with a choice, it’s often quite clear what needs to be done. In choices, it’s often really about what you want as much as it is about acceptance.

  Choice overload can also be about options over which you have more control: whether or not to quit your job, start a relationship, or cut your hair. The same idea applies: Knowing why you do something can remove a lot of noise from your mind. Perhaps you have a silly job, but you are earning money to make that big trip. And you can say, “Never do something you don’t feel like doing,” but what’s the point? It’s more constructive to criticize the choices you make and to stop complaining about them. What’s the bigger plan? Does it help you achieve your higher goals? If so, do it. Is it not profitable for you—in fuel, energy, satisfaction, personal growth, or a new perspective? Then don’t do it. Make a choice.

  When it comes down to it, there are really ever only two choices: the ego choice and the soul choice. The difference is the feeling of tension and of release. An ego choice feels hot, hasty, and impatient. I want this! And the result of your choice is never actually good enough. A soul choice feels grounded, wholesome, truthful. It’s a choice you can live with, even if things turn out differently. An ego choice is an interpretation of what you feel, while a soul choice is rooted in knowing what you feel.

  If you’re not completely certain about a choice you need to make, write it down and put it under your pillow. Be confident that your intuition will do its work to weigh ego against soul and logic against emotion. Taking the time to do this will spare you a lot of needlessly wasted energy. At some point, suddenly, you will know it, very certainly, and on a very deep level. Take all the time you need.

  What to Think about When You Have to Make a Choice

  When I say no, what am I saying yes to? When I say yes, what am I saying no to?

  Where do I see myself in five years? Will this bring me closer? Knowing what you do want is always more constructive than knowing what you don’t want.

  Make your choices from strength, not weakness. From love, not fear. From soul, not ego. You know what I mean. You know how that feels. If you don’t, practice how that feels.

  Make a list of your core values, the things you want to stand up for. For example: connection, compassion, rest, or celebration. Pick a few, five at most, write them down, and hang the list on your mirror. Each time you’re facing a big choice, grab the list, and let what you find most important in your life inform your decision.

  Put it under your pillow. Literally. Write it down, sleep on it, and let your subconscious mind do its work. See if you can let what you really want come to the surface.

  Stand up for what you choose. We make decisions based on what we know now, in exactly this moment. Even if you have remorse later, you’ll know you did your best. You don’t have a crystal ball (and if you do, can I take a look?).

  // #NoRegrets Should Be Banned

  “I don’t regret anything,” some people say, or, “Life’s too short for regret.” Mwah. I don’t think those people are most people. I’m also not a fan of hashtags like #noregrets. Now, I’m not one for whom regret and shame and other negative emotions have no place. After all, I prefer to lead an inclusive life, one that has a place for all emotions, including ugly ones and raw ones. And regret is such a meaningful emotion; it mirrors with absolute clarity where you were living beyond yourself.

  Whenever I hear people saying that they regret nothing or that, as Charlotte Brontë said so well, remorse is the poison of life, my face twitches. To me, saying that you never have regrets sounds like a coat of armor: Everything I do is just and infallible—no room for discussion. I always secretly hope that people who claim to never have any regrets actually mean something different and that maybe what they actually mean is: I don’t feel any regret anymore because I’m willing to accept the lessons that life is presenting to me. I’m familiar with those feelings of regret, but I’m not lingering in them. I accept them and live with how things went, even if I maybe wished things had gone differently.

  Regret, in its purest form, points you to an alternative possibility. It’s like shining one of those blue CSI lights on your life. Regret will illuminate things you did or said (or didn’t do or say) that don’t fully align with who you want to be or what you want in this life.

  I almost cannot imagine never experiencing regret. There are so many things I regret. Regrets are the little levees that have been built in the river of my life, that changed the water’s flow. Having no regrets means not learning from your experiences. Regret pushes us back in the right direction. Maya Angelou said it beautifully: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Those words only have meaning if you’re willing to cross the quicksand of regret once in a while. That burning feeling and those red cheeks are the flashing lights indicating choices that shouldn’t be repeated. When you went against yourself, often against your better judgment. When desire and expectations, insecurity or recklessness won.

  Regret is a bitter pill to swallow. And regret often goes together with shame, or anger, or a feeling of injustice. “If only I had…” Yes, if only. But you chose differently. To quote Pema Chödrön again: “Nothing disappears until it has taught us what we need to know.” That’s what I mean about quicksand: If you resist, you will surely not get out. But learn to see regret as an invitation to transformation, to change, and the taste of an experience will shift from bitter to bittersweet. I’m sorry, and it’s okay. Start healing. When you forgive yourself or others, you create space in which you can move forward.

  Did you know that most people feel greater regret about what they didn’t do than about what they did do? Often, regret is no more
than a hangover from a choice that wasn’t right, something you denied or didn’t allow yourself. Often, regret can be prevented, by learning how to make “front end” decisions that are better aligned with what you want or desire. Life constantly offers new chances and new opportunities. Learn from your regret. Tune in to your body, your mind, and your intuition on a deeper level, and allow them to do their work, unhurried, unforced. The more you dare to welcome regret as a teacher, the less you may experience it going forward, because you’re learning lessons. And because subsequently, wiser and more experienced, you again make a choice, you’ll be able to wear that choice unapologetically, even if it didn’t pan out as you expected. Because you were there. Present and able.

  // Apologies and Forgiveness

  What if you regret things, words, actions, or convictions that you wish you’d said, done, or thought differently, better, or more honestly? “Sorry” seems to be the hardest word… But is saying you’re sorry really a sign of weakness? I’m quite certain it isn’t. In my opinion, saying you’re sorry and forgiving has little to do with servile humility, and more with owning the choices you’ve made. With a little luck, you can learn something about yourself, and something will be set in motion. Only then will the mistakes or the unfortunate decisions you made turn into learning moments when you can allow yourself to reflect on them and when you start taking your own responsibility as seriously as the outside factors. Besides, sometimes something needs to be forgiven. And sometimes you yourself are the one in need of forgiveness.