by E. K. Blair
After I lace up my shoes, I go to the kitchen to get some water when I hear the doorbell ring.
"Hey, you ready?" Ryan asks when I open the door.
"Yeah. Here, hold these." I hand him the waters and turn to grab my hooded running jacket off the couch. Zipping it up, I say, "Okay, I'm ready. Let's go."
I take one of the bottles of water and tell Ryan to keep the other. Locking the door behind us, we start off with a brisk walk through the neighborhood.
"I figured we could run around campus and through some of the surrounding neighborhoods. How are you with distance?" he asks.
"I'm good for around six or seven miles, but it's pretty cold out today, so I'm not too sure how long I'll last."
The morning is bitterly cold, and the sun has just started to rise. The streets are empty aside from a few other runners we see as we start walking toward the UW campus. We begin with a light jog for about a half-mile before we break into our run. The streets are wet and soggy with dead leaves that are piled along the curbs and scattered over the lawns. A slight mist is in the air, which isn't anything new, and it looks like we are due to have another rainy day. It has rained every day this month, and the news keeps talking about the city hitting the big 'four-oh' this next week when the yearly rainfall will reach forty inches.
When we finally hit the campus, the sidewalks are completely empty, and it's abnormally quiet.
"Next weekend Mark's band is playing another gig at the bar. You should stop by," Ryan says as we run through the quad that is lined with now-bare cherry trees.
"Thanks, but I have to work."
"Would you come if you didn't have to work?"
"Probably not," I answer a bit more honestly than I intended. He knows I don't go out much, well, ever. Jase is always teasing me about being a hermit around Mark and Ryan, so it shouldn't be any surprise to Ryan when I say that.
"Have you ever heard Mark play?"
Jogging up a flight of stairs, my breath is short when I answer, "No."
"Never?"
"God, don't make it sound like I'm such a bad friend, Ryan," I say sarcastically.
Ryan starts to laugh. "No, I'm not. I'm just surprised, that's all."
When I look over at him, he meets my eyes, and I say, "No, you're not," with a grin.
"So, why don't you ever go out?"
"I'm normally busy with either school or work. I've never gone out too much. In fact, the past few weeks have actually been a big stretch for me. But, Jase has been on my case, so instead of butting heads with him, I haven't been putting up much of a fight."
"I should thank him then."
"Why's that?"
"Because I really like hanging out with you," he says openly, and I immediately feel my face heat despite the frigid weather. I don't respond as we continue to run. If I'm being honest with myself, I really like hanging out with Ryan as well. He's been a great distraction for me since the fight with my parents.
"So, what are your plans for today?" Ryan asks after a while.
"I need to study. I was also thinking about going up to the studio since nobody should be there and working on my solo."
"Your solo?"
"Yeah, graduating seniors have to choreograph a solo and audition for our final production at the end of the year." I say as we begin to veer off into another neighborhood. "It's kind of a huge thing."
"Why's that?"
"It's the one time that agencies come out to watch. So if you get one of the solos, then you have a good chance at having a job after you graduate."
"Will it be hard for you to get a solo?"
"I honestly don't know. My piece of music isn't the best, so I'm having a hard time feeling it, and my instructor is noticing, which is never good. Plus, all the girls are insanely competitive." I say with labored breath.
The cold air is starting to burn my lungs when Ryan asks, "You doing okay?"
"My lungs are burning."
Looking over at me with a slight smile, he says, "No more talking, just run."
I smile back and nod my head as we continue to weave through the quiet streets.
We are making our way back to the house when the rain starts to fall. The drops feel like tiny pieces of ice on my face as we pick up our pace to get back to my house. Ryan turns to look at me, and I see that he's laughing.
Barely able to breathe at this point, I manage to huff out, "What the hell's so funny?"
"Us."
I stare at him until he continues, "Always getting stuck in this freezing ass rain."
Smiling in agreement, we start sprinting to my house as we round the corner onto my street. Running up the sidewalk and the few steps to the covered front porch, I lean over and grip my knees with my hands as I gasp for air. I begin to feel lightheaded when Ryan steps in front of me, placing both his hands on my shoulders. He walks me over to the large bench on the porch, and we both sit down. Still feeling slightly dizzy, I lower my chest down toward my knees and lay my head in my hands.
Ryan places his hand on my back, leans down to my ear, and says, "Slow your breathing, Candace." He begins to rub my back when he repeats, "Slow."
I take in one long, deep breath and let it out gently. When the dizziness begins to subside, I slowly lift my head up and lean back into the seat.
"Here," Ryan says as he unscrews the cap to his bottle of water and hands it to me.
My throat burns, so I'm only able to take in a small sip before thanking him.
"I shouldn't have pushed you like that by sprinting," Ryan says.
"It's fine, I just haven't been running very much since summer, and the cold air got to me. I'm okay," I say with chattering teeth. I look at him, his long hair dripping with water, and I know I would be a total bitch if I left him like this to drive home. So, with hesitation, I say, "We should go inside and dry off."
When we walk in, I show him to the guest bathroom and run to grab some of Jase's clothes that are in my room for him to change into. I leave him be while I go into my room and change into some dry clothes and tie my wet hair into a messy bun. When I walk out of my room, Ryan is sitting on the couch in the living room. He stands up and starts thanking me for joining him on his run. A huge part of me is relieved that he isn't trying to stay here and hang out. Being alone with him inside my house still makes me feel very uneasy.
"You still going to the dance studio after that run?" he asks while walking to the front door as I follow him.
"Yeah, honestly, I'm fine. I didn't eat before we left, so I'm sure that's why I got lightheaded. I'm going to fix something to eat, then study for a while before I head up there."
"I'll catch you later then?"
"Yeah," I say.
Once Ryan leaves, I make a pot of coffee and grab a breakfast bar. I go back to my room, pick up my phone, and call Jase. When he answers, he's concerned that something is wrong. I assure him that I'm fine and that I just miss him. He can't talk for long because he is out with Mark's family for brunch. I'm used to always having Jase around, but I am happy that he is so content with Mark. They have become very serious in these past few months; I know Jase really loves him. Both of them come back home tomorrow, so Jase and I make plans to hang out after Mark goes home.
Dancing was just what I needed today. After Ryan left, I spent the majority of the afternoon stressing about my parents rather than studying. I'm used to my father calling me after a fight and trying to smooth things over, but he hasn't tried contacting me at all. My mother and I said some pretty harsh words to each other, and I'm just not quite sure how we are going to move past this.
Going to the studio helped clear my head and relaxed me as it always does. I was able to focus on and choreograph several eight-counts for my solo. I am starting to get some direction with the piece, and it feels good to be making progress with it.
After I worked on my solo, I decided to stay a while longer to work on my center floor technique. I ended up being at the studio for a little over three hours. By the t
ime I got back home, my head was clear, so I decided to make good use of it and get the schoolwork done that I couldn't focus on earlier.
Finishing up some research for a paper, I check my phone to see that it's past eight o'clock. I decide to call it a night and quickly change into a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. I pop a sleeping pill and walk to the kitchen to grab a quick bite to eat before heading to bed.
The doorbell rings just as I am opening the fridge. I'm beyond surprised when I open the door and see Ryan standing there with a pizza and beer.
"What are you doing here?!"
Giving me a slight smile, he steps around me and comes inside. "I ran out to grab some dinner and knew you weren't doing anything tonight, so I drove here instead of back to my place."
"Oh..."
"That a problem?"
He starts walking to my kitchen, and all I can mumble out is, "Ummm...no. I just..."
"Just what?"
"Just surprised that's all. Why didn't you just text me?"
He sets down the pizza and beer and starts opening drawers until he finds the one with the bottle opener. "Because I figured you would probably tell me you were studying." He pops the cap off the beer, hands it to me, and winks as I press my lips together and agreeably nod. He takes his beer bottle and clinks the neck of it to mine then takes a sip.
"Plates?" he asks, and I nod my head over to the cabinet they are in while I take a long sip of my beer. "So, how was the rest of your day?" he continues while he moves with ease around my kitchen.
"Good. I got a lot done actually."
"Great, let's eat then," he says as he stacks the plates and napkins on top of the pizza box and heads into the living room. "Do you mind grabbing the beer?"
"No problem."
Setting everything down on the coffee table, he plops down on the couch and watches me until I move to join him. The past two times he has been here made me very uncomfortable, but his playful attitude tonight is amusing me more than anything.
I am pleasantly surprised when I open the pizza box to see that he got a Hawaiian pineapple pizza. I look over at him and ask, "How did you know I like pineapple on my pizza?"
Leaning forward and grabbing a slice, he says, "I didn't. Like I said, I got this for me before deciding to come over."
"Oh."
He smiles at me before taking a bite, and I grab a slice and join him. Sitting here, eating pizza and drinking beer, feels a lot like the times Jase and I have done this—comfortable. Then I remember that it probably feels comfortable because I already took my sleeping pill, which always helps relax me. Enjoying his company, I brush it off.
"So, you know what I did with my day. What about you?" I ask.
"After our run, I went to the gym to do some lifting. Then later, I went to the bar to work. Had to sign off on a bunch of paperwork and inventory orders. That's pretty much it."
I grab another beer and hand it to him so he can pop off the cap. When I start to take a drink, Ryan suggests finding something to watch on TV. I grab the remote for him, and he starts flipping through all the channels before stopping on some old black and white movie. He sets the remote down and leans back on the couch, content with his selection.
"What the heck is this?" I ask facetiously.
"You don't know this movie?"
"Does anyone know this movie?"
He smiles at me and says, "Candace, it's a classic."
I shake my head at him, completely clueless.
"It's 'Double Indemnity' from the 1940's. It's a great movie."
"You watch a lot of these movies?"
He shakes his head at me in mock disapproval. "Sit back and just watch. You'll like it." I sit back into the couch, and he points to the TV as he continues. "See that girl? Her name is Phyllis and that guy is an insurance agent that she is trying to seduce."
"Why?"
"Because she wants him to murder her husband so she can collect the money from his policy."
"Oooh, I like her already," I tease.
Ryan laughs at me and says, "Just watch."
Kicking our feet up on the coffee table, we lean back and watch the movie.
"Candace...Candace, wake up."
Opening my eyes, I look up and see Ryan as he is whispering at me to wake up. I lie there, confused in my sleepy haze, and it takes me a moment to realize that I am lying on the couch with my head in his lap. The haze instantly disappears as I jump up, startled at the scenario. What happened? I must have completely passed out. Mixing my sleeping pill with the beer was a huge mistake.
"Are you okay?" Ryan asks as he stands up and takes a step toward me.
Feeling a bit flustered, I hold my hands out to gesture to him not to come any closer.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to leave you without you locking the door behind me. You fell asleep, and I didn't want to wake you, so I let you sleep for a while."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Startling easily. I didn't know I fell asleep. I'm just...I was just disoriented." I put my hands down and feeling abashed, I apologize again.
"Candace," he says as he takes a step toward me and reaches his hand to brush back a lock of my hair off of my forehead. My body stiffens at his touch, and he quickly pulls his hand back.
"I'll lock the door behind you," I say to rush him out.
"Let me help you clean this up."
Looking at the pizza box and beer bottles, I say, "I'll do it. It's all trash anyway."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
We walk to the door, and he turns back to look at me. He is standing so close that I have to look up at him. I have never noticed our height difference before now. I'm a little over five feet, so he stands much taller than I do. Looking me in the eyes, he quietly says, "I want you to feel comfortable with me."
There is something about the look on his face that's telling me he feels strongly about this, and I whisper, "I know," because I think I feel the same way.
"Okay. So, we'll talk later?"
Nodding my head, I say, "Yeah."
I lock the door behind him after he leaves, and I let out a long sigh. I grab all the trash and dump it in the garbage can then go crawl into bed.
Feeling confused about Ryan, I have a hard time settling back down to sleep. My mind is all over the place, and I am not sure how to sort my thoughts out. Thank God Jase is coming back home tomorrow because I really need to talk to him. For now, I lie in bed, confounded by my thoughts as I stare into the darkness.
Being alone in the house all day is driving me crazy, so I decide to head over to Jase's even though his flight doesn't get in for another two hours. The quiet is just a reminder of how much I miss my roommate. It's almost as if I live alone because we hardly ever interact anymore. I do know that she will be coming back today, I just don't know when. Before this year, we were like sisters. Even though I never really went out with her and her other friends, we always made time for each other and would constantly call and text each other. Now—nothing.
When I get to Jase's apartment, I go lie down in his room. It has been a couple weeks since I have slept here, so his bed is a welcome comfort. I think it will always be a comfort to me. I still have trouble sleeping alone in my bed. Even with the sleeping pills, my nights are restless and filled with night terrors, and I often have flashes of that night when I close my eyes. The flashes aren't nearly as bad as the nightmares, but they are still a constant reminder of the turmoil in my life.
My new friendship with Ryan is not something I expected. Then again, that's what's got me so confused. How can I be so closed off to the world around me, yet feel comfortable with this new person? The fact that he has become good friends with Mark and Jase eases my mind, but the past few days have me questioning a lot.
I jump off the bed when I hear Jase walk through the door. I practically knock him over when I run into his arms. I didn't realize how much I missed him until now.
"I am so glad you're back."
"Everything okay?"
Letting go of him, I smile and say, "Yeah, I just missed you." I take his arm and pull him toward the couch as I say, "I am dying to know everything about your trip. Where's Mark by the way?"
"He just dropped me off. He has an early morning tomorrow, so he needed to go home, unpack, and get laundry done," he says while we sit on the couch.
"Sooo...?" I say and Jase just smiles at me. Nudging him in the arm, I demand, "Come on! Tell me. How was it?"
"Great, actually. His family is nothing like our families."
"Thank God for that," I tease.
"We had a great time. His parents were so accepting of me, which made me comfortable from the moment I arrived. His sisters are a little crazy. We went out with the two of them one night, and they got totally shit-faced, so Mark and I had to sneak their loud asses into the house so they wouldn't wake up his parents. It felt like high school." Jase laughs, and he seems genuinely happy.
"They sound great. I am so happy for you, even though I missed you."
"I missed you too."
"So, it seems you and Mark are pretty serious now."
"I really love him. I was a dick before and thought I had screwed everything up, but I'm glad he gave me another chance. He's pretty perfect for me."
I can't help but smile when I hear Jase talk like this. He has been through a lot to get to this level of happiness.
"Well, for what it's worth, I really love Mark too. He's been a good friend to me, and he has never questioned our friendship, which means a lot to me. He totally gets us," I say.
"I know. He really does, and that makes me love him even more."
I lean in and give him another tight hug and then he asks, "So tell me about your break? How did Thanksgiving go?"
Leaning back, I sigh. "It didn't. I left before the food came to the table."
"What happened?"
"Honestly, it was pretty bad," I say, and I continue to tell him all about the fight and what was said. He shakes his head, but I know he isn't shocked. He has gotten to know a lot about my relationship with my parents over the past three years.