by E. K. Blair
"Don't cry, babe," he says softly in my ear.
"I'm tired. I don't want to talk anymore."
Ryan gets off the couch, and I follow him upstairs. Walking into his room, I go into the bathroom to take my sleeping pill and brush my teeth. When I walk out, he is still standing by the door. I crawl into his bed and don't even question him when he slides in behind me. He pulls me into him and curls himself around me. Neither one of us moves, we just lie there, snuggled up together. I've never had this before. But there is something about Ryan, about the way he makes me feel, that makes me want this—with him.
"Morning, babe."
Lifting my head and looking up at Ryan, in the still-dark room, he has me tucked tightly against him. Trying to wake from my sleep, I let my head fall lazily back down on his chest. His thumb is stroking my shoulder, and I blink a few times before fully opening my eyes.
The room is cold, and I sink further down in the bed beneath the covers.
I hear Ryan chuckle under his breath as he says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm cold," I whisper.
"You're always cold."
I roll over onto my stomach and look up at him. "I know."
He reaches down, pulls me back up against him, and wraps the comforter around me.
Aside from Jase, I have never slept a full night in bed with any other man. I thought it would be weird; maybe it would be with anyone else, but with Ryan it feels safe.
We are supposed to be driving back to Seattle later today, and I'm not quite sure how Jase is going to react to this new development. He knows I'm here; I texted him after the fight with my parents to let him know I was going to be with Ryan, but I haven't spoken with him since I have been here.
"Why are you so quiet?" Ryan asks me.
"Just thinking."
"About?"
Snaking my arm around his waist, I say, "Jase. He and Mark will be back Saturday."
He rolls on his side and props himself up on his elbow. Looking down at me, he says, "Stop thinking," as he leans down and nuzzles his head in my neck, lightly nipping on the sensitive flesh. Goosebumps begin to prick on my skin. Raising his head, my hands holding his face, he says, "Do you know how beautiful you look right now?"
His words make my heart quicken, and I pull his face down to me and kiss him.
"Are you guys all packed up?" his mother asks as Ryan pulls out some cold pizza for us to eat.
We spent the morning lying in bed, dozing in and out of sleep, and just enjoying the calm of being alone.
Handing me a slice, he turns to her and says, "Yeah, I have to go to my office and get a bunch of paperwork done, and Candace has to work tonight."
The three of us sit together at the table, eating cold leftover pizza. I sit and listen to Ryan and his mother talk to each other. They have a natural flow and connection between them, and it's apparent that the two of them are really close.
"Candace, will you take a quick walk with me on the beach before you go?" she asks.
I look up at Ryan, and he smiles at me before getting up from the table. Turning to look at Donna, I answer, "Yeah. Let me go grab my rain boots."
The mist is light this morning, as we walk along the firm puddled sand. The wind is kicking hard, and the waves are rough as they crash along the shore.
"I'm sorry if I pushed too much yesterday," she says, looking at me over her shoulder.
"You didn't. I don't ever talk about that stuff with anyone, but it felt nice to unload a little of it."
"I feel just awful about what you've been through, and I want you to know, that even though we just met, you can talk to me whenever you want. I'll give you my number before you leave. Call me, please."
I nod my head and say, "Okay."
"Everyone needs a parent they can depend on, including you, dear."
I'm taken back by her words. Donna has such a warm and maternal demeanor.
She stops and turns to face me when she says, "He hasn't always had it easy, you know? He doesn't let a lot of people in, but I know you're special to him, which makes you special to me. From what Ryan has told me, he's really lucky to have you."
We stand there, facing each other, and I'm at a complete loss for words. Where have these people been? Why are they just now in my life? Why couldn't I have met Ryan years ago? I could have possibly been saved from so much, and now I feel like I could destroy this if he knew my secret. Standing on this beach right now with his mother, I vow to do everything I can to bury this deep down. If he knew, he would never look at me the way he does now. He would be disgusted, and everything would crumble. I can't have that happen. I've lost Kimber, I've lost my parents, I've even lost myself; I can't lose anyone else.
When Ryan pulls up to my house, I quickly jump out to stretch after the long drive. Ryan gets my bag and walks me inside. He follows me back to my room as I go to put my bag away. I turn to look at him standing in the doorway. He's looking around my room as if he is taking in every detail.
"What?" I question, feeling a little too self-conscious of my belongings.
He walks right up to me and scoops me up in his arms. I love it when he holds me like this, I think he gets a kick out of how light I am and picks me up often. I wrap my arms around his neck and giggle as I look down at him.
"You've got a lot of ballet shit in here," he says, and I can't help but laugh at him.
"Yeah, I do."
Leaning my head down, we spend the next few minutes kissing each other. He is always so patient with his kisses, never rushing. It's perfect. He walks over to my bed and lays us down. He doesn't push to go any further than kissing, and I thank God for that because I don't think I am capable of doing anything else. He just holds me.
"What time do you have to be at work?" he asks.
"At seven. I have to close, so I won't be home till midnight."
"Come to my place tonight."
"I don't...I," I stumble over my words, not really knowing what to say, but stop trying when I hear Ryan chuckle at me.
"Why are you nervous? You've slept with me for the past two nights."
"Stop laughing at me," I say as I nudge him in the ribs. "And that was just a little different."
"Why?"
"Because your mother was there."
He starts laughing again, and I know he's not doing it to be rude, but I'm scared. This makes me nervous, and I don't know how to explain it to him. I'm sure most girls wouldn't have an issue with this. Most would be doing more than kissing like a couple of kids, but I don't know what I'm doing, and this scares the shit out of me.
When he realizes that I'm no longer talking, he shifts over me, and in a more serious tone asks, "What's going on?"
I shake my head, because what could I possibly say to a twenty-eight-year-old man that isn't going to sound completely pathetic.
"Talk to me."
"I don't know what to say," I tell him honestly.
"Say what you're thinking, babe."
"I told you that I don't do this well. I just...I don't." Taking a deep breath I close my eyes and continue, "I don't do this, I'm..." Shit. Why can't I get my words out without sounding like an idiot?
"Open your eyes. Don't hide from me." When I look at him, he brushes his hand through my hair and says, "We'll move as slow as you want. But, I want you in my bed tonight. I want you next to me."
"Okay," I whisper.
"I want you to talk to me though. I need you to tell me what is going on in your head. I'll never judge you."
God, why does he have to say these things to me? His words pierce through me and melt me, but they also intimidate me. How can I be open with him when I have never opened up to anyone besides Jase?
He brings me out of my thoughts when he says, "I'll never hurt you. I just need you to trust me."
I nod my head at his words, but how can I trust him like that when I don't trust anyone?
"Come on," he says as he stands up and pulls me off the bed. "I have to run and take care
of things at work. You'll come over tonight." He doesn't ask, he just tells me. Not allowing a response, he leans down and kisses me before leaving.
After I unpack, I call Jase. I need to talk to someone about everything, and when he answers the phone, I break at the sound of his voice. My emotions are all over the place, but Jase is my rock, and I really need him right now.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't really know where to begin. I wish you were here. I just really need you right now." My voice trembles as I try hard not to cry.
"Sweetie, you're scaring me"
"I think I may be getting in way over my head with Ryan."
"What are you talking about? What's going on with Ryan?"
Not sure where to begin, I just start rambling uncontrollably, and I'm sure I'm not making any sense. "He kissed me, and I kissed him back. We've been sleeping next to each other. He told me he wants to be with me, and I foolishly agreed. Now we're back home, and he wants me to spend the night at his place. And I just have no clue what the hell I'm doing. And you're not here. And I'm freaking out. And..."
"Whoa, you have to slow down," he cuts me off. "Go back. He kissed you?"
"Uh huh."
"What happened?"
"It was late Christmas night. We were lying down, and it just sort of happened. I don't know. We just kissed, then we fell asleep together."
"Well, how did you feel when you woke up?"
"Really confused. I mean, I know we've been hanging out a lot, but I feel like I don't know a whole lot about him. And then everything Mark told me about all the girls started freaking me out."
"But he told you he wants to be with you?"
"Yeah, we went to the beach, he just came out and told me, and then I agreed with him. We ended up sleeping together again. And then his mother was insinuating that he's talked to her about me in the past, and that kinda intimidates me."
"Why?"
"What do you mean? You know I have zero experience with this shit. I have no clue what I'm getting myself into. I have never felt this way about anyone before, and I'm scared."
"What are you scared of?"
"Everything. He hasn't done anything more than kiss me, but what happens when he wants to do something else? Knowing what Mark told me, I feel like I just can't handle this. I'm scared he's going to touch me, and then what?"
"Ryan doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would push you."
"What? How do you know?"
"Because, he told me how he feels about you."
"What?!" I squeal out. "When?!"
"He called me Christmas Eve to tell me what happened with your parents. He told me that he's been having feelings for you for a while and wanted to know if he was wasting his time."
"What did you say?"
"I told him I thought he should tell you. But I told him not to fuck with you if he wasn't serious, that you've been dealing with a lot, and that I didn't want to see you get hurt."
I'm shocked. My heart is racing, and I don't know what to say.
"Candace?"
"Yeah, I'm here. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm telling you now."
"Don't joke with me, Jase."
"Because if I told you, you would have never let this happen. You would have completely shut him out, and you need to start living again."
"I have been living."
"You've been existing. There's a big difference."
His words cut into me. I can continue to make excuses, but I know he's right. Tears well up in my eyes, and when I sniff, Jase is right there with me.
"Don't cry, Candace."
"I'm scared."
"I know. But it's okay to feel that way. You have to feel this. You have to start opening yourself up again."
"Am I going to lose you?" Wow, that came out of nowhere. But, I have been thinking a lot about what will happen after this year. Plus he's with Mark now. What if Mark gets a job out of state? Will Jase go with him? What if Jase gets a job out of state? And where will I get a job?
"Never. I promise."
"I want you to come home."
"Two more days. Don't cry. It'll be fine."
"Okay."
When I hang up the phone, I take a deep breath and pull myself together. I throw a load of laundry in and repack my bag before heading out to work. I try not to think too much about all the possible outcomes of what I am getting myself into. I like Ryan, and Jase's reassurance gives me the push I need to move forward, to try to open up to him. That's all I can really do—just try.
It's a little past midnight when I pull into Ryan's driveway. The lights are on up on the second floor. I grab my bag, walk to the side of the building, and up the flight of stairs that lead to his front door. I stand there for a while and think about what Jase told me earlier. Based on what he said, I shouldn't be nervous about Ryan, but I am.
Aside from everything else, this is new to me. The guy I dated in high school hardly counts as a relationship. We barely even knew each other, and he didn't care enough about me to really even pay much attention to me. It was a relationship of convenience; he served as a distraction from my home life, and that's it. Aside from graduation night, we never had much of a physical relationship. I am completely inexperienced, and I know it. The fact that I am almost twenty-three makes it even more embarrassing.
I am startled when Ryan opens the door.
"What are you doing out here?" he asks.
"Umm, nothing. I was just about to knock," I lie.
He takes my bag out of my hand and steps to the side so that I can come in. I walk to the living room but don't sit. I stand like an idiot in the center of the room, not sure what I should be doing. I don't know why I feel so awkward tonight. Ryan was right; we have spent the past two nights together, so why do I feel weird about a third? Maybe it's because I am in his home. How many girls have been here? How many girls have slept in his bed? God, why am I even thinking about this?
He sets my bag down by the stairs that lead up to the third floor where his bedroom is, and starts walking toward me.
"Did you eat?"
"I did before I went to work."
When he reaches me, he wraps his arms around my waist, and the touch alone is enough to relax me a little bit. I clasp my hands together behind his back and lean my forehead against his chest.
Kissing the top of my head, he says, "Better?"
"Mmm hmm," I hum.
"Good. I'm wiped, what about you?"
"Yeah." Driving back from Oregon and then having to work so late, I'm drained.
Taking my bag, we go upstairs to his room.
"The bathroom is right over there," he says, and he points past his large closet.
Closing the door, I lay out my clothes and turn on the shower so that I can rid myself of the smell of coffee. That's the downfall of working at a coffee shop: you leave work smelling like an old pot of coffee.
After drying my hair, taking my sleeping pill, and brushing my teeth, I walk back in the room at the same time Ryan is coming back upstairs holding two bottles of water.
"Here," he says as he hands me one of the bottles.
"Thanks."
Ryan wears a pair of pajama bottoms with no shirt, and when he crosses the room, I notice another tattoo that looks like scripted words that is inked on the side of his ribs. He walks over to the large king-sized bed and starts pulling back the covers. I hop up on the bed and slip under the sheets. Ryan sits next to me, leaning his back against the dark leather headboard. When he lifts his arm to wrap around me, I can finally make out the words of his tattoo:
pain is a reminder
you're still alive
Laying my hand over it, I ask, "What's this for?"
He looks down at my hand and says, "A reminder." He takes my hand off the tattoo and holds it against his chest.
I then notice a jagged scar under the tattoo. I want to ask, but I don't. When Ryan sees what I'm looking at he says, "Like I said, my dad was an asshole." I shi
ft my eyes to his when he begins talking again. "He was a drunk and liked to take his anger out on me and my mom. I took more of it than she did. The drunker he was, the worse it would get. He was like that for as far back as I can remember. It was all I knew. Then one night, I beat the shit out of him when he was wasted, and when he got in his car and left, he never came back. His car was found wrapped around a tree, and that was it. He was dead."
I'm sure my eyes are filled with horror as I listen to him speak because he pulls me tight and comforts me instead of me trying to comfort him. I am speechless; I can only tighten my grip around him to let him know how I feel. How could I have droned on about how shitty my parents are? I've had it pretty good compared to what he had to grow up with. And Donna, God, I had no idea. She is such a wonderful person. My heart hurts for what they must have gone through.
"You're the only one who knows that, outside of my mom and me," he tells me. He is only giving me more reasons to trust him.
"I feel really stupid. I'm so sorry about complaining about my parents."
"Candace, you're far from stupid. Your parents treated you like shit. They filled you full of misconceptions of yourself and fucked with your head. Anyone would be devastated. Don't dismiss your pain because you don't think it's worthy. It is."
Raking my fingers through the hair on the back of his head, I pull him down to kiss me. He slides down in the bed and hovers his body over me. He drags his lips from my mouth, across my cheek, and down my neck, taking little sucks along the way. I hold him close to me when he starts trailing kissing across my collarbone. Taking his face in my hands, I guide him back up to my lips. I begin to slip away to a place where nothing exists but us. His soft lips caress mine as we move at our slow pace. Taking one of my hands in his, he laces his fingers with mine and presses my hand into the mattress as I feel myself falling for him even more.
When Jase got back in town, we spent some much needed alone time together. Ryan has been busy this past week with work, and we haven't had much time to hang out during the days. In the mornings, we have been running together. Aside from that, I've been in the studio almost every day and picking up extra shifts at work.