by Lee Wardlaw
59. Always bring your annoying little brother or sister along.
60. Ride so fast on your bike that you make them eat your dust.
61. When they ask what you want to do, say: “I don’t know. What do YOU want to do?” When they respond, “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?” repeat the same thing back to them.
62. Never let them play the games they want to play or watch the TV shows they want to watch.
63. Get scared in the middle of a scary movie at the theater and say you have to go home. NOW.
64. Pretend to come over to hang out with them when you’re really only spying on their cute older sibling.
65. Pay more attention to their cat or dog than you do to them.
66. Pay more attention to their parents than you do to them.
67. Never invite them over to your house.
68. When they spend the night, make them sleep on the floor.
69. During a sleepover, fall asleep early when you know they like to stay up late.
70. During a sleepover, wake them up early even if you know they like to sleep in late. Extra points if you poke them or put the dog/cat on their head.
71. Read their diary or journal without their permission.
72. Share what you read in their diary or journal with your other friends. Or their parents.
73. When you’re going someplace in the car together, open your window and let the freezing and/or stifling hot air come in.
74. Listen to your iPod instead of to them.
75. Sing aloud to a song playing on your iPod. Extra points if you sing off-key.
76. Follow them around and narrate everything they’re doing.
77. Laugh at everything they say.
78. Tell them how much fun you had when hanging out with someone they dislike.
79. When there are three of you hanging out together, make sure two of you gang up on the other one.
80. Tease them about their latest secret crush.
81. Get a crush on their mother or father.
82. Blab to everyone you know who their secret crush is.
83. Blab to their secret crush that your friend has a secret crush on them.
84. Spend more time writing notes to your One True Love than you do with your best friend.
85. Yak on and on and on about your crush and how cute he is, how wonderful he is, how fun he is, until your friend is ready to barf.
86. Race off somewhere as soon as they start yakking about their crush.
87. Sing: “(name) and (name), sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes a baby in the baby carriage!”
88. If you have braces, slurp your food really loud to get it unstuck.
89. Eat crunchy snacks when they’re trying to concentrate.
90. Burp in their ear. Loudly.
91. When you’re hanging out together for a whole day, get hungry when they’re full and tell them you’re full when they’re hungry.
92. Beg them for part of their lunch. If they say no, whimper and give them the “puppy eye.”
93. Smell their hair.
94. Give them stupid nicknames.
95. Name their furniture.
96. Sing the “Oscar Meyer Wiener” song, the “Meow Mix” song, or other songs they despise.
97. Make jokes about people who still sleep with stuffed animals or “blankies,” completely forgetting that they still do too.
98. Squeal in a loud, glass-shattering way whenever you’re excited about something
99. Move away. One point if it’s to a new neighborhood; ten points if it’s out of state.
100. Do everything on this list—on purpose!
101. Do everything on this list—TWICE.
A GLOSSARY OF CULLEN FU HANSON’S PIDGIN HAWAIIAN ENGLISH
(Note: Italicized words are part of the Hawaiian language)
ADA (AH-dah): Other
ALOHA (Ah-LOW-ha): Hello, good-bye. It can also mean love and affection. See * on page 281
ALOHA’OE: (Ah-LOW-ha oh-EE): Greetings, farewell
ALI’I (ah-LEE-ee): Hawaiian royalty
AUNTIE (also spelled Aunty): Aunt
BO-DA-DEM: Both of them
BODDAH YOU? (usually: “Why, boddah you?”): Does this bother you? You got a problem with it?
BUGGAH: a guy
BUMMAHS: Bummer! What a drag, that’s too bad
BRAH: A good friend, buddy, pal
BRADDAH (also spelled bruddah): Brother, dude
BROK DA MOUT: Broke the mouth; incredibly delicious
BUSS UP (usually “All buss up”): Broken, busted up, destroyed
CHANCE ’UM: Take a chance, go for it
CHICKEN SKIN: Goose bumps
COCKAROACH: To steal
CRASH: Fall asleep
DA: The
DA CUTE (usually “Ho, da cute!”): Precious, just sooooooo cute!
DA HAPS: What’s up? What’s happening?
DA KINE: Similar to the word watchamcallit, although it can mean just about anything! Da kine can be a person, place, thing, verb, adjective, adverb, or even a phrase. The speaker and the listener, however, usually understand what is being referred to.
DAT: That
DEM: Them
DEN: Then
DEY: They
DIS: This
DOZEE: Those
’EM: Them
FO’ REALS?: Really? Is that so? Are you kidding me?
GEEVUM: Give it. Can also mean “go for it!”
GRIND: To eat
GRINDS: Food
HALE (HAH-leh): House, home
HANABADDAH (HAH-nah-BAH-dah): Runny nose
HANG LOOSE: Take it easy
HAOLE (hah-OW-leh): A caucasian
HO!: An exclamation used at the start of a comment about something important
HOWZIT: How are you? What’s going on? What’s new?
HULI HULI (HOO-lee, HOO-lee): Barbecue
JUNIOR (JOON-yah): Nickname for one’s son or a younger boy
KEIKI (KAY-kee): Kid, child, children
KINE: Kind of, sort of
KOA (KOH-ah): Courage, guts
KU’UIPO (koo-OO-EE-poh): My sweetheart
LICKENS: A spanking
LIKE, LIKE FO’: want to, would like to
LIKE BEEF?: Do you want to fight me?
LOLO: Crazy, loopy, looney, absent-minded
MAHALO (mah-HA-low): Thank you
MENEHUNE (meh-neh-HOO-neh): The legendary little people of Hawaii
MO BETTAH: More better, it would be better if
MOKE (rhymes with Coke): A tough local guy, a lumbering bully
NO LIKE: Don’t want to
NUFF ALREADY: That’s enough!
OKOLE (oh-KOH-leh): Butt
ONO (OH-no): Delicious, tasty, yummy
NO CAN: I can’t; it’s impossible
PAU (pow): Done, finished
PILIKIA (pee-lee-KEE-yah): Trouble, problem
RAT BITE: A bad haircut
SHAKA: All right, cool (The word is usually accompanied with a hand gesture where the thumb and pinky finger are extended while the three middle fingers are curled. Sometimes the hand is wiggled back and forth for emphasis. Other meanings include: hang loose, hello, good-bye, take care, etc.)
SMALL KID TIME: When I was little; during childhood
SISTAH: Sister; a friend who is also a girl or woman
STAY: Am, are, is
STINK EYE: Mean or dirty look
SUPA: Super
TALK STINK: Talking badly about someone
TALK STORY: Chat, yak, talk, gossip, shoot the breeze
TING(S): Thing, things
WAHINE (wah-HEE-nay): female, girl, woman
WASS UP?: What’s up? What happened? What did you do? What are you doing?
WAT’S DA SCOOPS?: What’s happening, what’s up, what’s going on?
WEN: Past tense of whatever comes after it. For example; “I wen go” means “I went”
&
nbsp; WIT: With
WOT: What
WIKIWIKI (WEE-kee-WEE-kee; usually “Make wikiwiki” or “wikiwiki time”): Fast, speedy, quick
*THE MEANING OF ALOHA:
“And wherever [the native Hawaiian] went he said ‘Aloha’ in meeting or in parting. ‘Aloha’ was a recognition of life in another. If there was life there was mana, goodness and wisdom, and if there was goodness and wisdom, there was a god-quality. One had to recognize the ‘god of life’ in another before saying ‘Aloha,’ but this was easy. Life was everywhere—in the trees, the flowers, the ocean, the fish, the birds, the pili grass, the rainbow, the rock—in all the world was life—was god—was Aloha. Aloha in its gaiety, joy, happiness, abundance. Because of Aloha, one gave without thought of return; because of Aloha, one had mana. Aloha had its own mana. It never left the giver but flowed freely and continuously between giver and receiver. ‘Aloha’ could not be thoughtlessly or indiscriminately spoken, for it carried its own power. No Hawaiian could greet another with ‘Aloha’ unless he felt it in his own heart. If he felt anger or hate in his heart he had to cleanse himself before he said ‘Aloha.’”
—Queen Lili‘uokalani
Hawaii’s last reigning monarch (1891–1893)
Acknowledgments
My heartfelt thanks to . . .
Tori Caron, BFF (Best Fan Forever!),
for (mon dew!) zee “shipping” of Pierre and Juliette;
Bruce Hale and Janette Cross,
for their help with the Pidgin English
(and extra mucho mahalo to Bruce
for the expert boy’s-eye view);
Mary Hershey,
my sweet-and-wise fAiRy gOdSiStEr,
who taught me the magic of A.F.I.N.;
Allwyn and Frances Fitzpatrick,
Santa Barbara Montessori School teachers extraordinaire,
for a most excellent education on adolescent crushes;
John M. Fox,
for the literary dopamine;
Craig Jaffurs,
who listened to each chapter and validated the
true-to-the-core bits by getting The Squirms;
Isaac Jaffurs
(who does not at all resemble Cullen nor the Goons),
for his tips regarding high school golf;
Patterson Jaffurs (son extraordinaire),
who taught me how to take Marcos down, hapkido-style;
Jess Garrison, my editor and cohort-in-comedy,
for helping me make a good story great
and for laughing at (almost) all my jokes;
my sweetie-of-an-agent, Ginger Knowlton,
for sticking by me for 20+ years;
and to Edmond Rostand, for writing Cyrano de Bergerac:
Best. Play. Ever.
Also, special thanks to my readers in Alaska,
Alberta (Canada),
California, Colorado, Florida, Greece, Indiana, Maine,
Minnesota, Missouri,
New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Ohio,
Ontario (Canada), Pennsylvania, Rhode Island,
Seoul (Korea) and Texas
who suggested some of the 101 Ways
that appear in this book.