by Amy Stephens
“HEY, MOMMA.” I leaned over to kiss my mother on the cheek while she drained the water from a pot of pasta. We were having spaghetti tonight, and the house smelled delicious. I noticed she looked more tired than usual, and I attributed it to her pulling a double at the hotel today.
We typically had spaghetti to eat at least once a week. It was fairly inexpensive and could feed the entire family. Momma had taught Isabel how to prepare it in case she ran late getting home from work, but tonight she’d made it at a decent time to do the cooking herself. She didn’t like making the younger ones wait too late to eat dinner, especially when they still had to get their baths and homework finished.
“How was your day, Jaime?” She turned off the water, then stepped back over to the stove to mix the pasta with the meat sauce.
“It was good, Momma. Here, let me help you.” I picked up the long-handled spoon that rested on top of the stove. Part of it had melted some time ago from where it’d gotten too hot, and it felt awkward holding it. One day I’d surprise her with a new one.
When I was done mixing everything together, I pulled out the two rolled-up twenty dollar bills I’d had in my pocket and stuffed them into the front pocket of her apron. It was my pay for the last two days at work. She was used to me giving her money now, and I felt bad for not having more to offer. The holidays had set us back some, and we struggled to come up with the rent money for the month.
“Thank you,” she said as she stepped away to set the mismatched plates around our small, scarred kitchen table. “It’s got to get better one day.”
It hurt my heart to hear the sadness in her voice. I couldn’t bring myself to look back at her before I walked out of the kitchen to gather the others. It sucked being poor.
I was the last one to fix my plate, and I leaned against the kitchen counter while I slowly ate my food. Our table normally sat four people, but because of the little ones, Momma was able to squeeze in two more chairs. It was important for the younger ones to sit together during mealtime, and I didn’t mind standing. I typically watched the evening news while I ate, but I didn’t feel much for watching anything this evening. It was always the same old stories—police making arrests in drug busts or shop owners getting killed during a robbery. Everything was always so negative, and for once, I’d like to hear something positive.
After everyone was finished, I let Momma relax in the living room with the others while Eliana helped me clean up the kitchen. She was a great helper and was always such a delight to be around. One day she’d turn out to be a wonderful housewife for some lucky young man, but tonight she seemed sad, as though she were troubled by something.
“What’s wrong, baby girl? You look like something’s bothering you.” I placed my hand on her shoulder, hoping she’d talk to me.
When she turned her head in my direction, her eyes were filled with tears. “There’s a field trip at school coming up. I know we can’t afford for me to go this time, but I just wish there was some way I could earn some money so that next time I don’t have to miss out. That I could pay my own way.”
I felt as if a ton of bricks had just hit me right in the chest. This innocent little girl shouldn’t have to feel that she should have to earn her own money just to go on a school field trip.
“When is it?” I asked, determined I’d find some way for Eliana to go along with her classmates if there was still time.
“In two weeks,” she mumbled, then looked back down at the dishtowel in her hands. “Jaime, it’s okay. Really. I don’t mind not going this time. I’ll just get an extra book from the library to keep me busy that day. It’s just some dumb field trip, anyway.”
No, it wasn’t okay, and she wouldn’t be forced to stay behind in some classroom where everyone would know she hadn’t been able to go, not if I could help it. I hated when that happened to kids, since I’d been in her shoes before. I wished the teachers wouldn’t even plan trips like that. It wasn’t fair, but I vowed, someway, somehow, I’d see to it that Eliana got the money she needed.
Tomorrow I would track down Javier. He’d obviously come out quite well with his brand new sports car, and I needed to know his secret. Even if it meant taking a few risks to get it. I’d do this to help Eliana.
***
It took me a few days, but I finally located Javier. He was outside his grandmother’s house, waxing and polishing the Mustang, when I walked up.
“Keeping this baby clean, huh?” I casually called to him. He reached out to shake my hand when I was just a couple feet away from him.
“Man, I still can’t believe she’s all mine.” He beamed.
“You need to share your secret, dude. What am I doing wrong?” I pushed his shoulder in a joking manner, but I was dead serious. I needed to know his secret. “You doing something right, that’s for sure.”
“I told you, if you need some help, let me know. I can hook you up.”
I looked around to see if anyone else was nearby. “That’s why I’m here. I need some money.”
“How much money we talking about?” he asked, seriousness written all over his face.
“Eliana has a field trip. It’s not much, but I want her to be able to go and be with her friends. Twenty, thirty bucks maybe.”
“Dude, is that all? I thought you meant you needed some serious bucks.” He seemed surprised that I’d only asked for such a small amount. Maybe that wasn’t much to him, but to me, it was hard to come by.
Javier pulled out his wallet and flipped it open. It was rude to stare, but I could hardly believe my eyes. He opened the middle flap, and I couldn’t help but take in the sight of all the bills. His wallet was loaded.
He rifled through the bills until he found two twenties and pulled them out. “Here, man, give this to your sister.”
I was speechless. I had a hard time reaching to take the money. He’d pulled it out as though it’d meant nothing to him. Did he know how long I’d have to work just to earn that amount?
“I told you, if you need money, you come and see me.”
“I…thanks, Javier.” I carefully tucked the bills into my front pocket. “I’ll get this back to you, I promise. I don’t know when, but you know I’m good for it.”
“No, you don’t pay me back. I told you, I don’t mind helping you out. That’s what friends are for, right? There is something you can do for me, though.” He tossed his polishing cloth onto the hood and then sat inside the car in the driver’s seat. He leaned over and opened the glove box.
From where I stood, I couldn’t make out what he was doing. As he turned back around, I was surprised to see him holding a small box wrapped in brown paper.
“What’s that?” I asked, curious about the package in his hands.
“Don’t ask what it is, just put it away when I give it to you. Don’t let anyone see you with it, okay?” Javier glanced around as though checking to see if anyone watched us. He pushed the box into my stomach and pulled my jacket around to cover it.
The box was small enough to easily fit inside my jacket pocket.
I was confused. I’d asked to borrow money, then when I discussed paying him back, he pulled out a package and asked me deliver it instead? It didn’t make sense.
“Okay. Can I ask what this is all about?” I tilted my head and looked down toward my pocket.
“Take this down to Pete’s on the corner of 8th and Clairemont. When you go in, ask for a Red Stripe beer at the back bar, then go to the bathroom down the hallway. If there’s no one else in there, go into the middle stall, open the toilet paper dispenser and place the package inside. When you’re done, go back out for your beer, then pick up the ashtray. Fumble with it in your hands a few times, but remember to leave it face down before you leave. Don’t spend too much time in there. You don’t want to draw any attention to yourself since you’re not a regular.”
“Javier, dude, I don’t know about this.” I went to open up my jacket and hand the package back to him, right along with the money, but he reached up to stop me.
“You want Eliana to go on that field trip, don’t you?” His voice was stern now, and I sensed a bit of anger in the tone.
“Yeah, but…”
“Just do it exactly like I told you. You understand? And for God’s sake, don’t do something stupid. It ain’t like it’s all that hard to do.”
Drugs were a big problem in Miami, especially with the city being right along the coast, but I’d never had anything to do with them. Not ever. I’d had friends who were users, and I’d watched them dwindle down to next to nothing as the drugs eventually took over their lives, controlling them to the point they weren’t even the same people anymore. I also had friends who were dealers, but I’d always made myself scarce when situations looked as if they were about to get ugly. Drugs were trouble, and I wanted no part of them whatsoever. I’d never used them nor did I plan to. I didn’t like being near them, period. So why then was I standing there talking to Javier with a package hidden inside my jacket?
Eliana and her field trip. Yeah, how had I forgotten so quickly?
I wanted so badly for her to go. I made up my mind I could do this. Just one time, then I’d avoid Javier from here on out. I’d never go back there again, no matter how desperate I was for money.
I couldn’t believe he’d resorted to dealing. In the back of my mind, I knew that’s what was probably going on, but I guess I still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. The car was nice, hell it was the best thing I’d ever ridden in, but it wasn’t worth getting busted and taken to jail or even killed because a deal went sour. It wasn’t an honest way to make a living, and I was disappointed because his grandmother had raised him better.
Javier picked up his polishing rag again and got back to making his car gleam. I walked away without saying another word. Once I reached the end of the street, I looked back at him, but he’d already disappeared. Damn, that car was sweet. No, this lifestyle wasn’t for me. I wanted to get this package out of my jacket pocket as quickly as possible.
It took me fifteen minutes to get to Pete’s on foot. My legs were sore from walking so briskly, and I admit, I was nervous as hell. I seriously doubted anyone was even paying me any attention at all, but it sure as hell felt as if I were being stared at by anyone who passed by me.
I walked in through the front door and, since it was still early in the evening, there was just a handful of people inside. Jukebox music played through the speakers, and I noticed a couple guys off to the side, shooting pool. The room was filled with the smell of cheap cigarettes, and it made my stomach feel even queasier than what it already was. I walked to the bar in the back, just as Javier had instructed, and leaned against one of the bar stools. My legs trembled nervously, and all I could think about was getting rid of the wrapped package in my coat pocket. After the bartender turned around to take my drink order, I knew from the way he looked at me that he was aware of what I was there for. Javier must have notified him.
I ordered the Red Stripe, then walked down the hallway to the bathroom. I didn’t have any money on me to pay for it other than the forty bucks Javier had given me for Eliana, and I didn’t feel like wasting money on a beer I didn’t want in the first place. Sure, it’d probably calm my nerves, but my main focus was getting the hell out of there.
Once inside, I let out a deep breath, thankful no one else was in there. I leaned down to look underneath the doors of all three stalls just to be on the safe side. I walked into the middle one and locked the door behind me. The lock was one of those old-fashioned kinds that had an L-shaped arm that fit inside a rounded loop. It’d been screwed into the door so many times it jiggled loosely as though it could fall out at any moment. My hands trembled terribly, and it crossed my mind that someone could be waiting for me out in the hallway. If they knew what I was in there doing, I could be in some serious trouble. Fuck, Javier. How could you do this to me?
Realizing I shouldn’t stay any longer than necessary, I wedged the package inside the dispenser between the two rolls of tissue. I unlocked the stall and then ran to the door. Just as I opened it, someone wearing a Pete’s Staff t-shirt walked in, and I forgot all about the possibility of someone standing outside.
I walked to the bar again, all the while feeling as if everyone stared at me. The Red Stripe sat on the counter, waiting for me. I picked it up, took a swallow, and nearly choked to death on its bitter taste. The bartender was at the end of the bar, wiping off some glasses and looked up at me as I continued to cough. As soon as he turned back around, I flipped over the ashtray, then took off.
“Wait a damn minute,” I heard him yelling, but I was already at the door. There was no way I was stopping now.
I rounded the corner of the building, then ran as fast as I could, never bothering to turn around to see if anyone was behind me. After I was several blocks away and felt it was probably safe, I stopped. I leaned over and placed my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I could still taste the beer. I clutched my stomach just as the bitterness reached the back of my throat. Everything I’d eaten earlier was left behind on the concrete pavement.
Once I got home, I found Eliana sitting at the kitchen table doing her homework.
“Hey, baby girl.” I did my best to sound normal.
I walked to the sink and filled a glass full of water. I swished some around in my mouth to get rid of the taste, then spit it into the sink. My nerves were still a bit on edge, and the remaining walk home had done nothing to calm me down. I kept telling myself it was over. I was done with the deal. And it would never happen again.
She looked up from her books that were spread across the table. Eliana had excellent grades and she took her schoolwork serious, often staying up late just to be sure she was confident with the material she’d been studying.
“Hey, Jaime.” She looked at me where I still leaned against the counter. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” The last thing I wanted was for her to worry about me.
I pulled the money from my jeans pocket and placed it in her hand. I carefully folded her fingers around the bills, then brought my pointer finger up to my lips.
“Shhh. This is our secret, okay?”
After she realized I’d put money in her hands, her face lit up and a huge smile formed between her cheeks. She jumped up and gave me one of the biggest hugs her little body would allow.
“Is this for my field trip?” she whispered when I lifted my finger again just to remind her. I knew it was hard for her to hold back her excitement.
For a moment, I had to choke back a tear. I nodded, unable to say anything more about it. Just seeing the happiness on her face was more than I could handle. I wasn’t proud of what I’d done to get the money, but Eliana was beyond ecstatic.
“Thank you, Jaime,” she called to me, but I’d already walked out of the room.
I shut the bathroom door, making sure it locked behind me. I didn’t need anyone barging in on me, seeing me this way. I leaned back against the door and slid to the floor, covering my eyes with my hands. Why did my life have to be so complicated? Our family didn’t ask to be poor, so why did we continuously have to suffer?
After a couple minutes, I stood, but refused to look at my reflection in the mirror. I was ashamed, knowing I’d just done something I was totally against. Just because I’d done it for Eliana, it still didn’t excuse it.
I turned on the water, took off my ragged-looking clothes, and stepped into the steady stream. It didn’t matter how hot the water temperature was, I still felt dirty, ashamed. I felt bad, knowing I couldn’t make enough money the honest way, and I’d had to resort to that. I just couldn’t bear to see my little sister so sad.
A knock on the bathroom door brought me out of the daze I was in. “Just a minute,” I called out.
“Hurry up in there. I have to pee.” I recognized Diego’s squeaky voice over the water.
“Hold on a second, buddy.”
I shut off the shower, not caring that I hadn’t bothered to bath
e. When I stepped out with a towel wrapped around my body, I unlocked the door for him.
“Outta my way, mister.”
“Don’t forget to flush and wash your hands,” I told him.
“Yes, sir.”
How could my mother have never allowed us to have a father? This little boy was so precious, and there was only so much I could do. If he’d had a father, if we’d all just had a father. There were just so many ifs… And what I’d just done wasn’t a good example for him. I hoped he’d never follow in my footsteps.
Chapter Three
SUNDAY MORNING I AWOKE to the smell of bacon. It was a real treat for us to have it, and I wondered what was special about today. Sunday was the only day during the week my mother had off from both jobs, and the majority of the day we’d spend down at the laundromat getting all our clothes cleaned for the upcoming week. It wasn’t far from our apartment, but between the two of us, we could only tote so many loads of clothes at a time before our arms would finally give out. On more than a few occasions one of us would have to make the trek back home midday just to get what we’d been unable to carry the first time. Momma always made sure there were sandwiches or something else that was quick and easy to fix for the kids, and Mama Camila would see to it they cleaned up behind themselves afterward.
I wasn’t looking forward to the trip this morning since I was still tired from the previous night. I’d tossed and turned for what seemed like forever until, finally, I’d drifted off. I couldn’t push Javier and what I’d done from my mind.
I sat up on the pull-out couch and stretched my arms as far as I could above my head. One day I’d have a real bed, and I’d be able to wake up refreshed instead of sore and stiff. Yeah, one day. Ricky was already up with the others, and I was surprised I hadn’t felt the make-do bed move when he’d gotten up. There was still a slight chill outside, but if we didn’t get down there within the next hour or so, we’d have a hard time getting a washing machine.
“Something smells good, Momma.” I walked over and kissed her on the cheek. She was already busy sorting our laundry into piles. Mama Camila sat at the table, sipping her coffee, and I gave her a kiss next.