by Amy Stephens
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. “I…”
Dropping her hands to my shoulders, she nudged me. “Jaime, talk to me.”
All I could do was stare straight ahead.
“I’m going to call Ricky. Please be okay.”
As she stood, I managed to mumble, “No…Momma. I’m fine.”
“No, Jaime, you’re not. You need help.”
Had she sensed the path I’d taken? Had she realized I’d slowly been slipping away--so far away I wasn’t sure I could emerge again.
Hearing my voice, she kneeled beside me. “You need help, Jaime. You need to talk to someone about what’s troubling you.” She brushed the hair back from my face.
“I don’t want any help. Just leave me the fuck alone,” I managed to say between my clenched teeth.
Slap!
As soon as I’d said the words, I’d instantly regretted it. Momma didn’t deserve to be talked to that way, and I knew better. I reached up and covered the side of my cheek where her hand had made contact. I’d always struggled with the kids about respecting Momma while they’d been growing up, so I wasn’t sure what made me think I had the right to talk to her like that now, to totally disrespect her. My eyes clouded over and suddenly, tears spilled over my cheeks.
She didn’t say anything, obviously hurt from my poor choice of words directed at her. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me. I continued to cry, not sure how I’d gone from being angry one minute to being so sad the next. She embraced me and held me as if I were her little boy again.
What the hell was happening to me? Why couldn’t I get a grip on my life?
Chapter Twenty
A KNOCK SOUNDED on the outside of the bedroom door. I rolled over to see the time and was startled to see it was already noon. I’d done my best to push the incident with Momma from my mind, even though I owed her a sincere apology. I remembered her helping me get into bed, but other than that, my mind drew a blank, almost as if I’d blocked it completely.
The only thing I’d done lately was sleep. In fact, I’d slept so much I felt my body was slowly wasting away to nothing. And it was, literally. I was becoming even more of an embarrassment to my family as each day passed. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. I was on the path to becoming a bum, and that was far from the person I’d wanted to become.
The knock sounded again.
“Yes?” I called out, aggravated that whoever was outside the door wasn’t going to leave me alone.
The knob turned, and Ricky stuck his head around the door. “Hey, dude. You going to sleep all day?”
“Please. Don’t you start giving me a hard time too!” I yelled, not needing any added stress from him.
“Get your ass up and let’s go.” By then, he stood at the foot of the bed. He reached out and smacked my feet that were buried somewhere underneath all the covers. “I’m not taking no for an answer, either. No excuses. Come on, let’s get going”
I sat up and reached for my head. It pounded so severely, but I was fairly certain it was from all the sleep I’d had. Yes, it was possible to have too much sleep. That, and the fact I was literally pushing everyone that wanted to help me as far away as I could. I couldn’t help it. Life was just more than I could stand.
“What the hell, man?” I called out, but it was too late.
Ricky snatched the covers back, exposing my near naked body. Apparently, I’d stripped down to my underwear with Momma’s assistance earlier. There was no use in trying to pull them back up. I could see from the look in his eyes that he was serious. There wasn’t time for any bull-shit. He was fed up with my attitude.
“I said get the fuck up.”
I must have misread him earlier, because now he sounded perturbed, as if he was angry at the world. I slowly sat up, then placed my feet on the floor. I tried to stand, but Ricky had other intentions for me. Out of nowhere, he shoved my shoulders, causing me to fall back onto the bed. I immediately forgot all about my headache.
“What’d you do that for?” I shouted, not caring if anyone in the rest of the house heard me.
“You know why. Get your ass up and get into the shower. Now!”
“You’re not going to tell me what to do.”
Ricky and I never had cross words between us, so his reaction now completely took me by surprise. I tried to roll over and pretend he wasn’t there, but he wasn’t going for that. So he climbed onto the bed and straddled me. I felt the punch to my jaw as quickly as I’d seen it coming, and the pain from it was instant.
I’d seen guys get into fights back at the prison, some getting so violent they were placed in confinement for days at a time. I wanted to draw my fist back and aim it right for his goddamn face. No one was going to tell me what to do, especially when I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone else’s shit. I couldn’t do it. I’d never be able to forgive myself if I struck him, no matter what the reason. I gave him the coldest, meanest stare I could before looking away.
I managed to avoid another punch. After all, one was all I needed to know Ricky was serious.
When he realized I was finally going to listen to him, he slid off me. He extended his hand, but I stared at it, not sure if I was ready to call a truce. I finally gave in and allowed him to assist me in getting up. I walked over to the dresser and pulled out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before heading for the shower. I’d learned to take quick showers over the years, so I hurried through this one, uncertain what he had in store for us.
Once I emerged from the bathroom, I found my bed made, yet the room was empty. I walked through the house until I found him. It appeared no one else was home which, being midday, sort of surprised me. He stood by the back door, staring out. He turned to look at me when he heard me walk into the room.
“You ready to go?”
“Excuse me? I thought I made myself clear earlier. I don’t want to go anywhere.” I didn’t tell him so, but I wasn’t sure I trusted being alone with him right now. Maybe after he cooled off, but now I worried he might try to come after me again.
“Jaime, you know I love you, man. You got five minutes or I’m toting your ass outside.” He laughed, then shook his head.
I thought someone had kidnapped my brother. Honestly, what happened to the jerk who’d punched me just moments ago?
I slipped on a pair of tennis shoes and followed him out the door. Ricky jogged when he got to the end of the driveway. If I were going to catch up to him, I had no other choice than to take off running, and I could even out my stride as soon as I caught up with him. Thank goodness I’d been going to the gym and working out while I’d been at the camp, or I’d have collapsed by the time we reached the end of the street. Damn, he was fast.
I slowed down to catch my breath. It was hard to keep up with him, but I was impressed with his stamina. I had no idea he was in shape to distance run.
I finally caught up to him. He’d had time to go inside the corner mart and grab us a few bottled waters. He warned me not to drink it too fast, but it was hard not to chug every bit of it down all at once. I also realized I was starving and couldn’t remember the last time I’d had anything to eat.
Instead of running back home, we walked down to the park, and he motioned for me to take the spot beside him on the bench. Thank goodness he didn’t seem angry with me anymore or else I might have reconsidered just standing. That way, if he lost his cool again or lunged at me, at least I’d have a better chance of getting away from him.
I got the feeling he wanted to ask me something just because he was so quiet. I didn’t want to bring up our falling out from earlier, since I somehow felt we needed it. He’d gotten me out of the house, and for that, I was grateful. Ricky and I had always been close growing up, and I’d really missed hanging out with him. I was certain we could overcome the years we’d been apart without a problem.
Neither of us said anything for several minutes. I dug my shoe into the grass, needing something to do while Ricky just stared s
traight ahead.
I decided to take the plunge. “I’m sorry about earlier, man. It’s just… it’s just so hard.”
He still didn’t say anything, and I considered just getting up and walking away if he was going to act that way. Fuck. Maybe I’d been wrong about him. If I’d wanted the silent treatment, I could’ve stayed at home, locked away in my bedroom.
I leaned forward, positioning my elbows on my knees. I rested my chin on my palms and let out a deep sigh. Just as I was about to stand, he finally spoke.
“I know, Jaime.”
“You know what?” What kind of crazy ass statement was that?
He ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up in certain areas due to the sweat he was covered in. He’d never been one to worry about how he looked, including now. None of us ever had, really. I remained silent, waiting for him to drop the bomb.
“I know you’ve been in prison.”
Now it was my turn to be shocked.
“Ricky, look…I can explain.” I immediately wanted to get defensive with him, but he cut me off before I could say anything more.
“You don’t have to explain anything. There’s no need to.”
I looked at him and, for once, just the way he sounded, he could have easily convinced anyone that he was the older brother instead of it being me. He sounded so sincere and mature while I was the weak one who’d screwed up his life. I expected another blow to my chest, but it didn’t happen.
He moved his arm up to rest on the top of the park bench. I’d already leaned back, and he used his hand to nudge me in the back. “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with everything.”
“Yeah, well, me too.” What was I supposed to say?
“Can I ask you something?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Is there something else going on? Something you’re not telling us?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I just get the weird feeling that there’s more. When we attended your graduation, I could’ve sworn there was this girl watching you. I may have just been imagining things, but then later on, the same one came up behind you. As soon as she walked past, you stepped away for a moment.”
A smile spread across my face. Just hearing Ricky mention there being something else, I knew I had to tell him about her.
I was glad time wasn’t a factor for either of us that day, so I broke down and told him all about Erica. I started from the very beginning at the first night I’d seen her in class. I’d known then there was something special about her.
I hesitated before telling him some of the more intimate details. He was probably thinking I’d lost my mind and that prison life had damaged a few brain cells, but he didn’t say anything like that at all.
“Do you love her?” he asked when I told him about the last episode in the library.
“I think so. My heart yearns for her so much.”
“Have you talked to her since you’ve been home?”
I shook my head, embarrassed to admit how many times I’d picked up the darn phone. I think there was a part of me that thought she’d forgotten all about me as soon as I’d left, that she’d regretted everything we’d shared, and it’d all been a mistake. If I didn’t have to hear her laugh and call me crazy, then somewhere in the back of my mind I felt there might still be hope for us, and that everything we’d shared was meaningful to her too.
Looking back, I wouldn’t trade a single minute that Ricky and I spent together that afternoon. One thing was certain. I’d not only discovered my brother again, I’d found a best friend, someone I wanted to have all my life.
No one questioned our whereabouts when we’d gotten back to the house later that evening. I felt better having confessed everything to him, and I hoped Momma would be just as understanding. Maybe in a few days I’d talk to her, but for the time being, I wanted to keep it between Ricky and me.
He promised he’d look into getting me a job somewhere. I told him what my interests were, but I’d be willing to do anything just to get back into the workforce. He sensed that had a lot to do with the depression I’d started feeling again. There was no way I would attempt to talk to Erica until I had a job, and Ricky said he understood why I felt that way.
A few days later, Ricky came over to have dinner with us. After we were done, Momma left the two of us talking outside on the porch. While he was still looking around for a job for me, he asked me if I was interested in having my own business.
At first, I laughed. What fool in their right mind would take a chance on me? Anyone would take a long, hard look at me and send me on my way.
I realized, though, that he was serious when he continued to stare at me, awaiting my reply. We’d tossed around some options the other day, and I’d causally joked about having my own lawn care and landscaping business. At the time, it was one of the only jobs I could think of where I wouldn’t be judged too harshly. Since I’d done that type of work at the golf course on base, I knew I’d be good at it. Of course, I didn’t have all that fancy lawn equipment, but I could start out small.
He’d definitely given me an idea.
Although Ricky made a decent income, he still had to manage his money carefully. Some weeks were tougher than others, but it wasn’t anything like what we’d had to overcome as kids. He was in line for a promotion, and I was so happy for him. He enjoyed working in the fast food business, regardless of what others thought. And that was the main thing I needed to consider too. If I was happy with what I was doing, other people’s opinion about it didn’t matter.
“What do you think about moving into my apartment with me?” he asked next.
Boy, that sure came out of nowhere!
“I don’t know, dude. Maybe if I had some money coming in, but it wouldn’t be right until then.” Sadly, everything was based on a damn job and money. Without them, it was hard to get anywhere.
“Aw, come on. Won’t you at least think about it?”
He kept on until I’d finally agreed to give it some thought.
“We’ll see. I know Momma still needs help around the house with the girls.”
“Jaime, they’ll manage.”
He was right. After all, they seemed to have done just fine without me while I was gone. I wasn’t sure I’d know how to act living with Ricky, though. Did he bring women over? Where would I sleep?
“Would there be room for me?” I’d admit I was curious about his offer. I knew how cramped our living quarters had been when my family had lived in the couple apartments while growing up. I’d hate to know I was crowding Ricky in his own place that he’d worked so hard for.
“I’ve got a second bedroom. Besides, it’ll give me an excuse to clean it out.” He playfully nudged me on the shoulder. “Come on. What do you say?”
I wanted to say yes. I’d love nothing more than to live with my brother, but I felt it was wrong of me to accept until I could contribute somehow. Just talking to Ricky about it did inspire me, though, and I felt better about continuing my search for a job. I’d all but given up on everything.
Chapter Twenty-One
RICKY WAS TRUE to his word. The following Monday, I started working for the same restaurant chain he worked for. Of course I’d gotten hired at another location, but it was a job. I finally had a job! I’d never done that kind of work before, but I caught on quickly. I started out as a cook with the opportunity to advance into a shift-leader position several weeks later.
Most nights I was exhausted when I got home, but overall, I felt good about myself. I still attended counseling at the halfway house on Friday mornings, and the social worker felt I’d made tremendous progress in the last few weeks. She said my whole attitude and outlook on life had improved, and for that, she was proud of my accomplishments. Maybe part of that was because I’d gotten my first paycheck.
I made time to get to a nearby bank and opened a checking and savings account. Both were something I’d never had before, and even though I was only putting a tiny amou
nt into savings, it was more than I’d ever been able to do before in my whole life. I’d managed to save a little bit one time before when I was planning the kids’ vacation, but this was so much more.
I hadn’t forgotten about Erica, though. In fact, there was hardly a night that passed where I didn’t think of her. Ricky was sort seeing a girl he’d met, but he made sure if there was a night we were both off, we’d go out and do something together. Even if it was nothing but renting a few videos and drinking a couple beers. He did his best to keep me occupied.
I was glad I’d made the decision to move in with Ricky after all. I’d offered him some money right after I’d gotten my first paycheck, but he’d kindly insisted that I take it and buy myself a few things. He knew I’d grown tired of wearing his second-hand clothes, and I deserved to have some new things of my own. Just that simple gesture of kindness meant more to me than he’d ever know.
On Sundays, we’d have dinner with Momma and the rest of the family. It was just like old times, except we were all happy instead of sad and depressed like we’d been years ago. It hadn’t been anyone’s fault, but overcoming life’s obstacles sure made me feel a lot better about current situations. Even Momma was doing better financially, and seemed to be handling things fine now that Mama Camila was in a better place.
While I tried to work as much as I could, oftentimes putting in fifty to sixty hours a week, I still made time to work out with Ricky in the weight room at the apartment complex. It was during those times he and I still talked about my dream of having my own business. He wanted to see me put my degree to good use, but he also understood that having the prison sentence in my background prohibited me in many ways.
I’d been employed with the restaurant for nearly four months when I got the notification of a promotion that I was in line for. I still hadn’t minded working the extra hours, especially because it’d kept my mind off Erica, but the new job would be salary and I’d more than likely be putting in even more hours. Yes, there was a slight increase in pay, but I had to ask myself if it was worth it in the long run.