After I blew out my hair and straightened it until it was perfectly sleek, I brushed on some lip-gloss and mascara. My phone alerted again and my heart began to run laps.
Seth: You have no idea. I just want to get drunk and hang with my favorite gnome.
Funny. I frowned. I hated that he called me gnome; they were little, yes, but they were generally ugly.
Me: STOP calling me GNOME
Seth’s text was immediate.
Seth: Noted… no gnome or small people references in general.
Me: You’re forgiven sunshine…
Seth: Are we going to get shit faced or not? I have liquor bottles to empty.
Me: Meet at Blue? How about seven?
Seth: See you then. Bring your sketchpad.
Putting my art, my soul, into Seth’s skin was the greatest feeling in the world. Seth and I were like magnets. At times his pull was irresistible and it didn’t matter what was between us, we’d connect. He’d find me just when I needed him most. It was like every time he walked into the bar, texted, or just recently, came to see me at the shop, it was because he was drawn there. As if there was no way he could have stayed away, the chips fell into place and he was there. Strong and beautiful, smiling and making my world turn upside down.
Then… then there were times our magnets flipped and there was nothing we could do to click together. Our pasts, our inability to let go of fear — his light would blow out, and my heart would turn black — and it was impossible to break through that force that separated him from me. That invisible force that kept us from possibly the greatest love we’d ever have. How could I not be meant for him? How could two people with so much pain, so much hurt and broken faith, not pour themselves into the other. Creating one perfect mold. One spectacular sculpture.
I wanted Seth more than anything. I wanted him to trust me, to let me be his. My eyes stared back at me from the dresser mirror. It was then I realized why we’d never work. My thumb found its way to the familiar patch of skin ruined by the razor blade of my past. My sister’s whispered giggle flashed across my mind, her smile dimmed, and her hazel eyes paled.
He was more than I ever could hope for; he was more than I ever deserved.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Seth
“DID YOU FINISH LOOKING at the Heathman portfolio, son?” my father’s voice, powerful and commanding, came through my office intercom on my desk phone.
I picked up the phone. “Yeah, it looks promising. Are you sure you want me to handle it? I’m trying to pick up more hours at the U.” This day had been so long. My morning classes were rough considering how late I’d finally gotten to bed last night. My workdays consisted of mornings at the University and afternoons at my other job, working for my father helping rich people get richer.
“Can you afford that, Seth? You had to dip into your trust remember. Your court fines, attorney fees, you’re lucky not to be in jail after assaulting that young man.”
“He fucking deserved it, Dad.” I was incredulous.
“Watch your mouth.” He exhaled harshly into the speaker. “Listen, I’m sorry, it’s been a long day. The AmeritechCom stock crashed today, and some very important clients lost a lot of money. We’ve been busting our asses to get their money moved and back in order.” He took a deep breath. “You’re damn good at this job, Seth. I know you love music, I know… but I need you… at least for a bit longer.”
My throat felt tight. My father’s life had been hard after my mother left, after she ran off with his business partner. My mom had apparently been screwing Clay for years; meanwhile Clay was lining his pockets with company money. The company went broke, and my mother and her boyfriend went missing. They were probably living the high life somewhere overseas now.
“You know I’m always here for you, Dad. I just… I need my own life.” I stayed here at Montgomery and Simmons for him. Everything I ever did was for him. It was just me, my brother Jeff, and my dad. After she left, all we had was each other. The line was quiet. “Dad?” There was nothing, and then I heard the phone click off. He hung up on me? I swallowed down the lump in my throat. This day couldn’t get any worse. A soft knock on my office door startled me.
“Come in.”
The door opened and my father loomed in the doorway. When my father walked into a room he demanded attention, he was all-powerful. Even now in his early sixties, the man was a machine. Six foot three, broad as fuck, and charming as hell. This was what brought him back to life after my mother abandoned him. He had broken down, lost his will, but only for a while. We were dirt poor, but he’d kept two expensive suits, ran every day, worked out lifting gallon milk jugs full of water. He kept his powerful presence and built himself, and this company, back from nothing. I could only hope to ever hold as much willpower, such control over my own destiny as this man.
“Son… you have your own life.” He shut the door behind him as he walked into the office. “You just need to be responsible, your future depends on it. You’re twenty-seven years old, you have a degree, and you want to squander it away to be a music teacher? I just don’t get it. Our clients love you. You’re young, fresh. The younger money, the new money clients… they trust you. Just give it a thought.” His light gray eyes pierced mine.
“Sure thing, Dad.” I stood and grabbed my car keys from the desk. As far as I was concerned, I’d made my choice. I just had to slowly extricate myself from this life, this corporate money hole. I loved my father, but I wasn’t going to end up like him. I respected his choices, but all it ever got him was a slut wife, struggle after struggle, and a life of loneliness. King of an empty castle.
I was confused on lots of things when it came to what I wanted for my future, but music… it was part of my soul. I could handle being alone. Hell, I knew what a joke marriage was, but I wasn’t blind. I saw how unhappy my father was; he craved that partnership. He needed to be loved. The thought of needing another person to breathe scared the shit out of me. So yeah, I’d “squander” away my degree to do something I loved even if it meant I was poor and alone for the rest of my life.
Money never brought my dad happiness, money only brought more burden… more need… more greed.
“I’m serious, Seth. This Heathman Portfolio could be the one for you. The one to make you millions.” He smiled at me with pride.
My father expected too much from me.
I splashed on my perfect businessman smile. “Let me sleep on it.”
He nodded and took my hand in his. His firm grip stabbed me in the gut. He was treating me like a customer, and it made me sick. “I’ll expect an answer by the end of the week.” He patted me on the back, and my posture stiffened. He knew what I truly wanted, but what he wanted was more important.
After I got home, I opted out of my white button up for a shower and something more casual. I was now sitting on a very uncomfortable stool at Blue Bar awaiting Tiff’s arrival. Lily was keeping me well stocked in whiskey so I couldn’t complain. The staff at Blue had changed a lot over the past few months. Thank God Lily was working tonight; I couldn’t stomach the young college kids that Frank had hired. One of the girls, Michelle was her name, was in my Intro to Music Theory class, and I was sure she had a crush on me. Usually I’d be all over it, but the younger they were the more drama, and I would never fuck a student.
Lily placed another glass of Jameson in front of me with a shot next to it. I threw back the amber liquid and relished in the burn as it coated my throat.
“I’m going to cut you off if you keep drinking like this.” Lily raised her left eyebrow at me.
“Hell Cat, you can’t threaten me, we live together. Trust me… you’d regret it immensely if you withheld liquor from me today.” I snickered as she clicked her tongue at me.
“Bad day?” Her lips were oddly pink. They were almost the same color as the rest of her skin, but just held a hint of blush. The freckles that surrounded her mouth were appealing, and I liked that her upper lip was much fuller than the bot
tom. I’d imagine it was something great to kiss those lips. I had an errant thought of what she would taste like. She was always so fiery. When your lips left hers it was probably like getting a sunburn. “Seth, stop looking at me like that, you’re creeping me out.” She chuckled.
My grin was wicked. “Just imagining what it would be like to kiss you.” Lily blushed and I laughed.
“You’re a bastard.” She smiled and threw a napkin at me.
“Why is he a bastard today?” Todd’s familiar voice made my smile grow bigger.
“Just thinking about how you get to kiss this stunning lady. You’re a lucky man.” I took a swig of my drink.
“Shit… Lily how much has he had to drink?” Todd’s brow furrowed.
“Three shots and two glasses of Jameson.” She gave Todd a worried look.
“Empty stomach?” Todd asked.
I nodded.
“What’s up, bro?” he asked with concern.
The smell of orchids filled my nostrils as the stool next to me scraped against the wood floor.
“I’d like a shot of bourbon and a Manhattan. This shmuck right here is paying.” Tiffany’s fingernails ran down my spine, and my skin erupted in goose bumps. “Hey you.” She gave me a soft smile. The clear gloss she wore enhanced the natural deep red of her lips, the dark mascara she had on made her eyes pop. I was speechless.
Lily cleared her throat. “Sure thing, coming right up.”
Tiff’s smell filled the air around me, making me feel more intoxicated than I really was. She was my secret… my weakness. I chanced a look at Todd, and he was grinning like a fucking idiot. He was the only one that knew what Tiffany was to me. He knew I cared about her more than I wanted, and he ate that shit up.
“So, what’s up? How drunk are we getting? Orgy with Todd and Lily drunk, or just shit faced and fall flat on our faces drunk? I’m down for either.” Tiffany laughed heartily as Lily placed her drink in front of her with a skeptical look.
“Orgy with me and Todd… what’s up with you two today?” She tried to suppress a smirk.
“No worries, Hell Cat… inside joke.” My eyes never left Tiff as she took her first sip. I was envious of the glass; I wanted to know what her lips felt like, and I was disgusted with myself for it at the same time.
“I’m not sure I like being an inside joke.” The corners of Lily’s lips tipped down into a frown.
“Come on, baby, let’s let Jo and Michelle keep things running up here. I need you in the back for a second.” Todd leaned in and kissed Lily deeply leaving her breathless as he pulled away from her mouth.
She licked her lips and the faint blush in her cheeks reddened as she caught my stare. “Don’t drink too much, guys. I’ll call you a cab if you need it, okay?”
“Yes ma’am.” Tiffany gulped down her shot and then took a delicate sip of her Manhattan. She raised her hand to one of the girls tending the bar. “Hey Jo, I need two shots of bourbon please.”
Jo nodded and poured two shot glasses to the top and handed them to Tiff.
“Cheers to your shitty day.” Tiffany gently pushed the shot glass in my direction, her lips spread into a brilliant smile.
“Cheers.” I let the sweet liquor rest on my tongue before I swallowed. I savored the fact that Tiffany’s mouth most likely tasted the same as I watched her finish off the shot.
“Tell me about your day.” She playfully shoved my shoulder with hers.
“I’m not drunk enough, yet.” I smirked at her glare. “Okay… okay. You know how I had all those court fees and shit from that incident with Jace? I had to dip into my trust fund. And, well, I can’t really quit working for my dad yet and I hate working there, but I’m not asking him to loan me the money either. So I’m stuck, and today was just another hard day. My father wants me to quit being an instructor and come work for him full-time. He wants me to head up a new multi-million dollar account.” Saying the words out loud made me sound like an ungrateful brat.
She watched me from over the rim of her glass. She leisurely sipped her drink, and I could tell she was collecting her thoughts before she spoke. “Let me get this straight. Your dad wants you to quit what you love doing, quit what makes you happy so that you can land his company this huge new account. That’s messed up.”
“It’d be my account.”
She scoffed, “You’re not actually thinking about doing this are you?”
“I think it’s the only choice I have. I’m not sure he’ll let me stay on part time anymore, my spot at Montgomery and Simmons is coveted. It’s such a competitive business, these guys are sharks, and I can’t afford to pay off all my court shit and payback my trust without both jobs. So I’m thinking the music gig will have to wait.” I sounded depressed.
“Sell that fancy car of yours, budget your spending. Fuck, Seth, don’t throw away your dream for money.” Tiffany’s cheeks paled. “You’re too talented to throw that away. The thought of you trapped in a glass cage, wrapped in a suit, not creating, not being you… it makes me—“
“Sick.” Her hazel eyes locked with mine.
“Exactly.” She nodded at Jo to get us another round.
Tiffany was right; she knew what I needed. But, I wasn’t ready to allow myself to be honest with my father.
THE BAR WAS GETTING pretty packed, and I wanted to leave. My head was fuzzy from all the booze, and the heat of Tiffany’s body against mine on the dance floor was making me crazy. It took all my control not to lean down and taste her pulse, let my lips pull at the small silver hoops in her ear lobes. It took all the will power I had not to tear this girl apart.
I leaned down and let my lips linger against her ear. “Are you ready to leave yet?” The loud bass of Kardinal Offishall’s “Numba 1” bounced through the room.
She surprised me by wrapping her arms around my neck. She stood on her tiptoes, her body fully pressed against me. Tiffany’s hazel-green eyes met mine as she bit her bottom lip. She brought her mouth to my ear, and I shivered. “Let’s go to my place, I want to sketch something for you.” Her breath tickled my ear, and my dick responded. She let her fingertips graze the skin on my neck as she gradually let her hold around my neck fall. I felt her intake of breath as her hips pushed against me. She felt how much I wanted her, and, for the first time, I was embarrassed by my physical reaction.
“Seth Montgomery, are you blushing.” Her smirk was sexy, teasing, and it made me want to throw her over my shoulder, take her to a dark corner, and show her that she didn’t have any power over me, that I’d have her begging me, calling my name, and coming against my mouth in less than three minutes.
Instead I rolled my eyes. “You’re drunk.”
“So are you.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the front of the bar. It was late enough that the cabs were lined up out front. “Ready?”
No, I wasn’t ready. I was terrified.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here.”
The cab ride home felt too fast. I never once let go of her hand. It was… nice. Tiffany’s hands were soft and something about this moment was fragile, like if I let go, if I didn’t let myself feel this, it’d be something I’d always regret. I let her fingers stay laced with mine for the thirteen-minute drive back to her place — my thumb dusted across her knuckles. I let her trail her fingers up my arm as she rested her head against my chest. Once we were standing in her living room, I had to finally let my hand leave hers. We both looked down at the joining of our hands and watched as they separated. It was slow motion, it was reluctance, and it felt wrong to let go.
She turned away from me and walked into her bedroom. I wasn’t sure if I should follow, but I did. For the first time in my life, I was nervous about being with a woman. Tiffany was getting a lot of my firsts tonight. We could ruin everything by sleeping together, and I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself with her. She was building this fire inside of me, and as hard as I tried to put it out, I couldn’t. The red hot heat of it surrounded me, and all I could think about
right now as I watched Tiff lean down to grab her sketch pad was how much I wanted to be with her. I needed to touch her skin, to lose myself, to let go of my fucking overwhelming need to control. The liquor was clouding my judgment as I made my way over to where she was standing.
“So what were you thinking about having me draw?” She was facing away from me.
“Orchids,” I whispered, as I pulled the hair away from her neck. My lips kissed her shoulder first and then that soft spot just below her ear. A whispered breath fell from her lips as she leaned her head to the side, granting me better access.
The room was utterly quiet except for the faint sound of our breathing. Tiffany allowed me to lift her shirt over her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra and her back was completely exposed to me. I swallowed as I took in the stunning tattoo that covered her entire back. She had large angel wings that covered her back and wrapped around her ribcage. It was breathtaking. “Tiffany, this is—“
I didn’t have words. My fingers itched to touch her. The pads of my fingers trailed down each line. She shuddered under my careful tracing; the heat in my chest grew as she moved her hair over her right shoulder, tilting her head down. She submitted to my touch. The curve of her hip was perfection. My eager hands drew down the sides of her ribs and fit around her tiny waist.
“God, you’re more… more than I ever expected.” It was the most honest thing I had ever said to a woman. I was just about to turn her around, let my lips find hers, give her a piece of me, when I noticed her shoulders were shaking. “Are you okay?”
She shook her head. I gently turned her to face me. She folded her arms covering her bare breasts. My previous intentions made me feel like a total asshole as I watched her cheeks cover with tears. “Why are you crying, angel?”
She let a sob break from her lips, and I pulled her to my chest. She draped her arms around my waist, and my hands splayed across her back, against the spectacular angel wings… she really was an angel. I just wasn’t sure if she was going to take me to heaven or to hell.
Still Surviving Page 5