Tiffany rapidly extricated her hands from mine and cleared her throat. Lily frowned, looked at me, and then the reality of the situation started to dawn on her. She mouthed the words “I’m sorry.” And my temper cooled.
“He’ll be back late Sunday. I’m bummed.” She grabbed the dishrag and started to wipe down the surface of the bar, studiously ignoring me — ignoring our moment — and it took all my sanity not to get mad. She was obviously confused too.
I threw back the new glass of whiskey letting it coat my throat and stood. The crowd was getting larger, and I knew if I didn’t get up there now I wouldn’t. I wanted to sing tonight. Open mic nights had moved to Wednesdays so that Todd and Lily could play their sets on Tuesdays, uninterrupted. Tonight I needed to remind myself how much I needed music, how much it fueled me, so I’d remember why I had to land this account and get the hell out of Montgomery and Simmons. I could make enough money to live my own life. Live my own life. It was music to my ears.
“You singing tonight?” Tiffany’s smile couldn’t get any broader or more beautiful.
“I am. Lily can you play for me?”
“You got the counter, Tiff?” Lily asked with enthusiasm.
“Hell, yes.” Tiff’s face lit up as she took in my grin.
“Grab Todd from the back if it gets busy.” Lily undid her apron and moved at a hurried pace from behind the bar.
“Good luck.” Tiffany smirked at me, and it felt like old times.
Lily and I set up two stools, and I grabbed Todd’s guitar. I checked to make sure it was tuned how I liked it, and then I sat down. I didn’t like talking to the crowd, that’s part of the reason I liked being a drummer. I preferred to be the beat, the instrument that set the pace, controlling the timing of the song. But on occasion it felt good to sing, it felt good to let my voice out and see what I was made of. Ever since the band that Todd and I were in broke up a few months ago, I found myself missing it, missing the stage. I wrote songs in my room at night, composed these pieces that I feared would never be heard.
Tonight I chose to play a song that lately I couldn’t get out of my head.
“You ready, Lil? Let’s do “If You Were Here” like we played last week in the living room?”
“The Cary Brother’s, right?” She pulled the strap of her guitar over her head as she sat on the stool.
“Yes. Like this.” I started to play the first chords; she watched for a moment and then fell in sync with me.
Each of the guitars played their part, and I began to feel it in my limbs. Music was an extension of who I was. The lyrics flowed from my lips. The tone of my voice was slightly flat, and I’d always felt insecure about it, the only thing I’d ever lacked confidence in. Tonight I didn’t care. I let myself sing with softs notes and held the powerful ones just fine. Lily’s voice complimented mine, and I felt lost in the song.
Everything around me dissipated, and all I saw was her. Tiffany was behind the bar staring at me like she was being consumed, like my voice was all she could hear. The look in her eyes told me everything I needed to know. She was fucking crazy about me. She was in just as deep as I was. I just had to hold out, stay the course, and control my shit so that when she was ready, when she could finally see through her own lie, I’d be able to give her everything I had. Every piece of me.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Tiffany
SETH’S CLEAR BLUE EYES were penetrating right through me. His voice, his haunted tenor, it hurt my heart and shook me to the core. The words he sang drifted over the ever-present din of the bar and soaked my skin with chills. I never once dropped his gaze as he continued to make me fall for him with each note. He looked absurdly masculine in his rolled up white button down and slacks. The guitar in his hands shouldn’t fit the appearance, but it did. His brilliantly sculpted and tattooed forearms were such a contrast; it made Seth look over the top sexy.
When Lily strummed the last cord the crowd whistled and a small, shy smile parted Seth’s lips. Shy? He wasn’t shy. He was bold, powerful, and demanded attention. Tonight… he was different, and seeing this side of him, however small a part, it ignited the feelings I was trying desperately to tamp down.
My palms clapped on their own accord as I watched him cross the dance floor to his usual spot.
“Seth, that was unbelievable.” My eyes still on his as he took a seat on the barstool.
He beamed and pushed his empty glass in my direction. “Thanks, Angel.” I shook my head at his cocky response.
Where did that handsome shy guy go?
I poured his preferred Irish whiskey into the empty glass and smirked. “Why don’t you sing more?”
He snorted. “Because I suck at it.”
“Shut the fuck up, you do not and you know it.” I narrowed my eyes at him; he wasn’t one to fish for compliments.
“It’s the only thing in music I do suck at, Tiff. I’ve got a flat voice, always have. It’s all right for some things, but I could never be a real singer. It’s fine though. I don’t want to sing. I just like to every now and then and tonight… well, tonight I needed to.” He took a big gulp of his drink and closed his eyes. His Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed, and his nostrils flared from the familiar burn of the alcohol.
He was so hot, but I wasn’t allowed to think this way about him anymore. I mentally chastised myself and tried to make my next sentence sound coherent. “You needed to? Why?”
“Why?” he asked and I nodded. “Like you said, music is in my blood and courses through these veins, it’s the only shit that makes me feel alive, well besides—“
He locked his blues on me for a split second before he let his stare fall to the bar top.
“It’s important for me to keep playing, singing… composing. I’ll need that lifeline, Tiff. I’ll need that fucking lifeline after I sell my soul for a few million dollars. I’ll need something to pull me out of hell.” He pierced me with his eyes; they were almost gray with the intensity of his stare. He was looking at me like he wanted me to be the one to pull him from the depths, and I wanted nothing more than to be there for him.
“I’ll be there for you, Seth, you know this. I’m always here… remember?”
Seth’s smile was almost somber. “I know… you always got me.” He playfully brought his pointer finger to the tip of my nose and then pulled away. He chugged the rest of his drink as he stood.
“You leaving already?” I tried not to sound too disappointed. I shouldn’t be disappointed.
“Yeah, gotta get home, busy day tomorrow. So, Fuck Nut isn’t back till Sunday then?”
“Scott.” I scolded and then grinned at Seth’s wicked smirk.
“Whatever.” He chuckled, and my lips parted into a deep smile. “I want that tattoo you promised me.” He grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket and threw down a couple of bills onto the counter.
“What tattoo?” I said as I started to quickly make change in the till.
“Keep the change, Tiff.” He admonished. He never took the change, but I didn’t like accepting his large tips, especially not when he was forced to work for his dad.
“Seth, this is too much.”
“About that tattoo. Let’s start tomorrow?”
I shook my head at his “casual” change of subject and placed the extra money in my apron. “Thanks.”
“Always.” The word hung in the air like vapor as his eyes darted down to my lips. The muscles in his jaw ticking as he swallowed hard.
I tried to ignore that familiar sensation. He was my magnet again as we both fought against that insanely strong pull. “I have inventory tomorrow. Can you come to the shop after, maybe seven or eight?”
He nodded and moved his eyes back up to mine, no longer lingering on my mouth. “See you then, Tiff.” He turned and walked away without another glance or even a smile. Once he left through the front door, I was able to breathe easily again, and it felt as if my heart had restarted. Seth had me all mixed up; the lyrics of the song he and Lily
sang crowded my brain.
“Sorry, Todd was feeling handsy.” Lily giggled; her lips swollen and face flush as she hurriedly put her apron on.
“Baby, you know what your voice does to me.” Todd came up from behind her and wrapped his arms around her small waist. I snickered as Lily fell easily against his chest and smiled.
“I know.” She leaned her head back enough so he could kiss her again.
Todd and Lily were so physical; I hardly ever heard them say I love you, but watching them… like this, there was no denying that they loved each other intensely. I had to look away. The weight in my chest was suffocating. I wanted what they had so badly, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be lucky enough to have it.
“Let me work.“ Lily giggled and pulled away from his embrace.
“You know where I am if you need me.” He smiled at her back as she walked to the other end of the bar. Todd shifted his gaze to me. “You okay, Tiffany?”
“I’m fine.” I turned away from his too perceptive stare. Todd used to be so wound up in Lily he never noticed anything else, but now… now he’s mister insightful all of a sudden.
“Where’s Seth, he check out already?”
“Yup.” A customer rattled off her order. I began to gather the ingredients for her drink request, feeling a hole being burned in my back from Todd’s deep brown eyes.
“I don’t like that asshole, Scott. Tiff, he’s bad news and all steroid rage waiting to happen.” Todd’s voice held no humor.
I placed the drink in front of the girl and collected her money. She indicated for me to keep the change, and I smiled in thanks. I decided to ignore Todd’s stupid mouth.
“Tiffany… I’m just thinking maybe—“
“You don’t even know him.” I whipped my head in his direction.
“Oh, I know him.” He leaned against the bar and folded his arms across his broad chest and let out an exasperated breath. “Guys like that, Tiff, they aren’t hard to read.”
I cocked my eyebrow. “What the hell does that mean?” It was my turn to angrily cross my arms.
“You’re too good for him.” His speech was soft, and he let his arms drop to his sides. His posture less rigid.
“He’s hard to know, Todd, just give him a chance. I’m not marrying the guy, for hell’s sake, we’ve just started dating.” I grabbed the white dishrag off the counter and began to wipe down the wood surface of the bar.
“Just watch yourself, yeah?”
“Yeah.” He was doing the big brother thing, and as much as I hated him for it, I loved him for it too. I smiled and swatted at him with the towel. He laughed at my horrible attempt and walked back to his office.
Scott was abrasive as hell at times. And yes, at times, I felt the urge to just walk away before I got in too deep, but we’ve just started. The way Scott watched me like I was his to have, his commanding presence… it was sexy. I couldn’t help wanting to feel owned every once in a while. It was a fine line and with Scott… that fine line was between desire and rage, and I sort of liked it. It wasn’t healthy to want these things, but that hard love… it’s all I’d ever known.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Seth
THE PASTEL COLORS POURED from the television. Molly’s high pitch giggle made me grin. She was going to be three years old in two months. Even though she was a Dixon, Todd’s daughter was kind of cute. Her golden blonde, curly hair was always a mess, and she had a perpetual red stain above her lip from the juice she drank.
“Sef, dis is funny.” She pointed at the pink pig on the screen. I thought it was odd they were British, but what the fuck did I know? Kid shows… not my thing.
“If you say so, pumpkin.” I smiled at her from the couch as I sat up and pulled my phone from my pocket.
“M-molly, Sef… my name Molly.” She narrowed her big brown eyes at me, and I laughed openly. She was so precocious and snarky for her age. So much more than Jeff’s kid ever was.
“Molly… that’s right. Thanks for reminding me, squirt.” I snickered at her as she rapidly nodded her head. The movement was jerky as if her head was too heavy to move.
I opened my lock screen and typed out a quick text. It was a little after seven and I hadn’t heard from Tiff.
Me: What time are we meeting at Magnolia?
Her response was immediate and it calmed my anxious pulse. I was anxious to see her… anxiety wasn’t something I was used to. After last night, seeing our hands together again, feeling her touch me, being away from her was more than I could handle and I didn’t like it. She had told me she’d always be there for me. I needed to trust that, but trust wasn’t something I gave easily. Tiffany had had to earn my trust just like Lizzie had and, more recently, Lily. Overtime, she had more of my trust then both Lily and Liz combined, but now, now it could all fall apart, because now I wanted her in a way I wasn’t prepared for, and I was scared shitless.
Tiffany: Is eight too late?
It wasn’t. I had the early mornings off now that I no longer taught my music classes. The thought depressed me. It’s just temporary. The reminder was my new fucking mantra.
Me: That’s fine. See you then.
Keeping my cool with Tiffany was imperative. I had to keep things as platonic as possible. I wanted her more than anything I’d ever wanted, and I didn’t know what or how to deal with it. This whole thing was surreal. The darker side of my mind toyed with me, toyed with my hormones. This was the longest I’d gone without getting laid, and my hand was getting tired. It didn’t help that my roommates screwed louder than any porn I’d ever watched.
“Hey, Lolly Girl.” Molly’s nickname fell from Lily’s lips in a singsong voice that echoed through the house as she and Todd walked through the front door. Speaking of my porn star roomies.
“That was quick. Did you find a car?” I stood from the couch and noticed Todd was pale and Lily’s eyes were rimmed with red. What the fuck?
Molly stood rapidly and squealed as she bear hugged Todd’s leg. “No, bro. But thanks for watching her for me. Emma should be here to pick her up soon. I’m glad I made it back to say bye.” Todd extricated the small child from his legs and picked her up into his arms, giving her a tight squeeze. She squeaked, and he released his grip, giving her a kiss on her nose. He was a good dad.
“You all right, Lil?” She wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“I’m fine, Seth. Todd… I’m going to take a shower.” The tears in her eyes welled and there was no mistaking the look Todd gave her, something was wrong. He nodded at her, and she walked to their room.
“Want to tell me what the hell that was about?” Todd and Lily hadn’t fought at all since she came back from Florida, and the idea that they might not be together, might not make it, made my head hurt. No way in hell I was going through that shit again. I’d force these fucking idiots to get married first.
“It’s not your business, bro.” Todd glared at me over the top of his daughter’s curls.
“You’re my business. I can’t go through that with you ag—“
“Stop. Seriously, Seth, give it a rest, yeah? It’s not like that.” Todd shook his head.
The doorbell rang loudly as Todd and I stared each other down. Emma Dawson was Molly’s mother and the one night stand that became so much more for Todd. The honey hue of her hair peeked through the door as Todd handed over their daughter to her. Emma was tall, thin, and the complete opposite of Lily. Where Emma was traditionally pretty with her high cheekbones and angular features, Lily was all curves and fire. Emma was too girl next door for my tastes. But, after how she first handled things with Todd, a part of me had wanted to fuck her like I did the status bitches and leave her high and dry. In reality, Todd would have murdered my ass for bagging the mother of his child.
“See you in two days, baby girl.” Todd’s voice sounded sad. It always gutted him to leave his daughter. He was a much stronger man than me.
The click of the front door was soft. I watched as Todd stood there for a moment. His
head bowed, his chest rising and falling in rapid succession.
“Lily’s pregnant.” The words whispered from his lips, and the air in my lungs felt limited.
“W-what?” They’d barely begun, hadn’t even known each other over a year, and they were going to have a kid. Todd was going to be a dad… again.
Todd’s stiff posture drooped as he turned to look me in the eyes. “She’s pregnant, man. We didn’t go look for cars. We had an appointment with her doctor. She’s about six weeks. They couldn’t find a heartbeat yet; guess it’s too early. We rescheduled for two weeks.” A flash of disappointment crossed his eyes.
“Holy shit.” My palm scrubbed down my face.
“Yeah, holy shit. She was on the pill… but I guess it’s less effective if you have to use antibiotics.”
Note to self… antibiotics equal babies.
“I mean… are you guys happy about it?” I walked over to the couch and sat down. Todd followed and let his body fall heavy into the couch with a large exhale.
“I am. It’s soon-it’s too soon. But I fucking love her. She’s it for me, bro. I already knew that. I want to have kids with her. I want to be married to her, to live in a house and all that shit. But… later… all that should come later.” He pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “We were just learning to adjust to Molly, you know?”
“I know.”
“Shit. I don’t want her to work at the bar pregnant, but she insists it’s just fine. Plus, she wanted to start classes next semester at the U for her masters, and we were thinking of maybe touring for our record this coming summer.”
This was news. “You were going to tour?”
“Frank suggested it. I was going to see if you’d come, play drums for us. I was going to call Graden, too, see if he was interested.”
Still Surviving Page 10