Scott was still running his mouth, but I crossed him out of my mind. I walked around and climbed in the driver’s seat and drove off. “I don’t want to go back,” Lucy whimpered as I drove.
“Want to tell me what happened?” I wiped my eyes as I glanced at her through the rearview mirror.
“They just kept talking and talking about you.” She threw her head back, crying harder than before. My tears fell as I focused on the road. “I hate when they talk about you. It makes me cry.”
“It’s okay, Lucy.” Her words upset me. I shouldn’t have let her go. I should have said no.
“I don’t want to live at Meme Lilly’s.”
“You’re not living anywhere but with me,” I told her. “I promise.” That seemed to settle her. Her tears finally quietened. She was wiping her eyes when I asked, “What’s Bubby doing?”
“Looking around,” she answered with a sniffle. “He’s happy now. It’s okay, Bubby.” I stared in the mirror to see her leaning across the middle to grab Eli’s hand.
I cried all over again.
_____
In my panic state, I never got the chance to speak to Elijah that day. It wasn’t until I saw him stepping out of his house that I remembered we were supposed to go to his mom’s. He must have been looking for us.
He doesn’t need my troubles, I told myself as I stepped out and opened the back door to get Eli.
He didn’t need my burdens with that giant smile on his face as he walked toward us. Then slowly, like ours, his smile dimmed as his gaze swept over me. I picked up Eli from his seat. Walking over to Lucy’s side, I couldn’t look at Elijah because the tears were on the verge of falling again.
“Hadley.” I didn’t answer him when he spoke. I helped Lucy unbuckle her straps, and she climbed out. “Lucy.” She looked up at him. “What’s wrong?” Her eyes darted from me to Elijah, clearly torn, afraid she was doing something wrong. It took less than a day for Scott and his mother to crush Lucy’s spirit.
“Go on,” I croaked.
She didn’t waste a second after that. Lucy ran and jumped at Elijah who lifted her up. “What’s wrong?” he said again. Instead of answering, she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Come here, Hadley.” His voice was soft yet firm. I glanced down. Staring directly at him would make me crack.
Three seconds was all it took for him to step closer, then he squished Eli and me to him and Lucy. “Y’all need a hug or some shit?” Lucy’s giggle vibrated the parts of me that were touching her. “Even Eli is red-nosed and teary-eyed. I want to know who did this.”
She pushed off his chest a little to see his face. “Are we going to your mom’s house?”
He glanced at me. “Ask your mom.”
She turned around and asked, “Are we, Mom?”
“If you want to,” I whispered.
Lucy said, “She’ll feed us like Mamaw does.” That had Elijah laughing.
“Okay, you beggar, we’ll go.” I ran my fingers through her hair as she laughed with Elijah, pleased I called her a beggar, apparently.
“Go wash your face up and change out of your scrubs.” He sat Lucy down and took Eli from my hands. “Want me to put the car seats in my truck?”
“No, you can just drive us in mine.”
He nodded. “Stop staring and go on.”
“I need to feed Eli. I don’t know—"
“Hadley, he’s fine. See his smile? We can wait right here. You can feed him at Ma’s. Go before I smack that ass, or she’ll be smacking mine if you walk in the door looking like that thinking I was the blame.”
Lucy sniggered. “You can’t whoop Mommy, Elijah, she’s old.”
“I will if she doesn’t cheer up.” He peeked down at Lucy as he opened the back door. “If I’m not allowed to whoop her, then you’ll have to help me hold her down so we can tickle her.”
“I want to be tickled!” Lucy yelled.
“Go wipe your face, woman, it’s unbecoming.” Elijah cocked his head at me. I went to open my mouth but he said, “You want another hug? Come here. Don’t be shy.”
My eyes prickled with more tears. I sighed and hurried off which was Elijah’s plan all along.
_______
Elijah was right about his mom. The second she saw me walk in she glared at him and asked me what her rotten son had done to me. No matter how much I told her he did nothing, she kept giving him the stink-eye as we ate. Thankfully, Lucy cleared the air saying everyone needed to be tickled thanks to Elijah.
It didn’t help that I still couldn’t shake my mood. Elijah kept watching me. I knew he was waiting to find out why I was on the verge of tears every time he looked at me. Honestly, I didn’t know either.
I didn’t want to be a burden.
Thoughts like that kept crossing my mind relentlessly. I knew Elijah well enough to know that he desperately wanted me to let him in completely. There was a silent plea in his gaze every time he stared at me. It stirred every emotion I had, especially that day when I wasn’t feeling like a good mother or a good person.
And because of that, I kept swallowing down the emotions and barely meeting his eyes. There was no way I was good company, but his mother never said a word. His stepdad stole Eli away the moment we’d gotten there. It was so nice. I wished I could have enjoyed the moment, but all I thought about was how terrible I felt, and how I shouldn’t have let the kids go to Scott when I wasn’t comfortable with the arrangement. In all honesty, until Scott tried I would never be comfortable. I couldn’t make him or his family visit Lucy and Eli. Complicating matters was all the times Scott let Lucy down, saying he’d come to get her and never show. But his parents blamed me since I kicked Scott out in the first place and ruined our family.
And now they were getting worse. All I could think about was the threat Lilly made at the door. Would she really try to make Scott go to court over custody? I wasn’t an unfit mother. Scott was unemployed and lived with his parents. But did any of that information make me feel better? No. I’d lived in fear of Scott suing for custody ever since I caught him cheating and made him leave.
“Elijah says you like cars, Lucy?” Hank asked her while we ate at the dining room table. Eli, still on his lap, had stuck his hand in Hank’s mashed potatoes several times. The old man let him do it on purpose as he kept scooting his plate closer for Eli. After the third or fourth hand dip, he finally brought it to his mouth to taste it. His fat little body stiffened as his eyes widened as he looked down at the plate. I think he liked it but couldn’t be too sure. Elijah’s mom kept trying to steal Eli from Hank which hadn’t happened yet. The woman didn’t seem willing to give up though.
Lucy smiled. “Yes. I like ponies too.”
“Elijah has a collection that we kept from when he was little,” said Hank.
Lucy gasped. “I want to see.”
“I’ll bring them out after we eat.” Hank grinned down at Eli.
“How many more kids do you plan to have?” Elijah’s mom blurted.
I choked on the piece of meat in my mouth. I grabbed my soda and took a drink.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my chest.
“Did I surprise you?” she asked kindly.
“A little,” I admitted. I glimpsed over at Elijah beside me who was watching me far too intently at the dinner table. “I never thought I’d have more than two.”
That was the truth. It was also true that I thought I’d grow old with Scott. A foolish dream. I wanted to go back in time and strangle myself for living inside a fantasy when in reality I had been so tired and stressed all the time. It was so obvious that I had been alone in that so-called relationship.
“Now you got to have more than two,” she chided me.
“Ma leave her be,” Elijah murmured quickly, taking a giant drink of his soda.
“I’m just saying I want more than two grandbabies.” She pinned him with a smirk. “Are you saying you don’t want any?”
I glanced at Elijah again who w
as sighing at his mom. “Of course I do.” He gave me a sidelong stare.
My face was suddenly a furnace.
Another truth—I always thought I would have kids with one man and one man alone. I knew it was the twenty-first century and things happened. Guys were crappy and sometimes it was the women, but I never thought that one day I’d consider a future with another man or having more children.
A lot of things weren’t what I thought they’d be.
I found myself overwhelmed, perhaps, because Elijah was an earthquake of a man, but definitely not against the idea of maybe. Correction. Not maybe, just one day.
One day he might live with us.
One day he might be our real family.
One day he might make me his wife.
Elijah’s my one day.
“Relax,” he whispered, reaching out and grabbing my hand. He placed it on his lap where he drew lazy circles with his thumb across my hand. “Baby steps.”
I still wasn’t convinced I could meet his eyes yet. My emotions needed an outlet, and that seemed to be him right now. I risked breaking if I stared for too long, but I snorted when he said that. I suddenly understood where his intensity came from—his mother. Both of them wouldn’t know subtle if it smacked them in the face. She obviously knew Elijah and I were seeing each other, and she wanted grandkids. No one would have ever guessed.
Still, I noticed the way they fussed over mine. Did I ever feel this comfortable with Scott’s family? Did they ever make me feel at home? I just met Hank. With the way he played with Lucy and Eli was like he’d been around them thousands of times.
I liked his mom and Hank. They were going the extra mile to make us feel comfortable. No, maybe that was just who they were, but I liked it.
Oh, fudge. This warm atmosphere was only getting to my already frazzled nerves. I knew what I needed, but it had to wait until I had Elijah alone. My heart had wanted it since I saw him step out onto his porch.
“Come on, Lucy.” Hank stood with Eli. “Let me show you his old room.”
“Let me hold him for a while.” Elijah’s mom finally got Eli.
Lucy followed Hank out of the dining room. I rose from my chair and picked up plates.
His mom saw me and sighed. “I’ll get it, honey, don’t worry about cleaning up.”
“I don’t mi—” I didn’t even finish what I was saying before a plate slipped through my hand and shattered on the ground. The blood drained from my face as I bent down. “I’m so, so sorry.” I apologized over and over, too mortified to look up.
“It’s okay. It was only a plate. I have about thirty more if you need some.” She was laughing at herself until she saw what I couldn’t keep at bay any longer. “Oh honey, why are you crying?”
“Hadley,” Elijah bent down and took the broken pieces out of my hands. “It’s only a plate. Look at me.”
I covered my eyes with my arm instead. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re killing me. Baby, you’re going to have to tell me what’s wrong before I find out and hurt someone.”
His words only made me cry harder for I was still waiting for what I needed from him.
“I’ll clean it up, Elijah. Take her on the porch if you need to.” He rose, pulling me up with him. His mother patted my back as he grabbed my wrists and led me forward. “It’s okay, honey.”
I was so embarrassed, but I couldn’t stop myself. Was this a mental breakdown? A panic attack? What was wrong with me, and why couldn’t I control it?
The screen door made a creaking sound as he pushed it open and led me outside. The second it slammed shut, he pulled me close, smashing my nose into his chest as he hugged me. I breathed him in, warming at the way one hand snaked around my back and the other rubbed the top of my hair. My arms were at my sides, and I just let him hold me—let him comfort me. It was the only thing I wanted since I saw him earlier. In his embrace, all the anxiety and hurt and troubles seeped out of me like he was channeling everything for me. The feeling was instant and so overwhelming that I was tired. And content. So very content.
The tears hadn’t stopped, and even though I felt like the world had slipped from my shoulders the moment I was in his arms, it didn’t change the fact that the problem was still there inside me. It only meant that I had wanted to rely on someone.
I was a mother of two at twenty-two. I worked a stable job, had my own bills, and responsibilities. I comforted my kids when they were hurting but in that moment, I knew I found someone to comfort me. Someone to take care of me when I needed it.
It was what I’d been waiting on, what I’d been wanting, and how I’d come to rely on Elijah. When did it start?
“Let’s grab Lucy and Eli and head to my place, all right? Whatever this is, you’re going to talk about it,” he whispered, rubbing my back.
My snot and everything was dripping on his shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind. “Scott came and picked them up today. Lucy hadn’t wanted to go, but he convinced her to when he came to get Eli,” my voice was gravelly since I was still bawling. “She ended up crying on him and his parents, Eli too, and they got so upset over it. The only time I have ever not let Scott see them when he asked was after that week when he threw a fit. I’ve always told him that his parents can come get the kids whenever they wanted. Elijah, they never call and want to see them but once in a blue moon. Then they get mad when Lucy and Eli cry on them… Eli doesn’t know them, and Lucy never hears from them!” I wiped my eyes. “Is it really my fault? Am I really to blame?”
“God no, Hadley.” He hugged me tighter. “You’re not responsible for grown folks getting to know their own grandchildren. If Scott or whoever doesn’t make the effort to get to know them, that’s on them, not you. No matter what shit they tell you.”
“I’m scared they’re going to give me crap.”
“Sounds like they already are, baby.” He was still rubbing my head soothingly. And it was honestly making me feel better. “That’s why you got to grow thicker skin. That shit won’t fly with me. I won’t let you get hurt by them anymore.”
“That’s Lucy and Eli’s family,” I whispered.
“That doesn’t give them the right to be so fucking hateful when it’s their fault to begin with. Stop trying and see how much they do. If they want to be in your kids’ lives, that’s good, but if they don’t…” He held me at arm’s length and reached for my hand, bringing it to his chest. “They have me. Whatever I can be, I’ll be for those two. I love all your pieces, especially the ones that call you mom. I hope one day they’ll come to me instead of just you when they need something because I’ll be here.”
“Elijah…” I mumbled right before throwing my arms around his neck.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Elijah
I watched Lucy as she trudged down the steps at Ma’s house. We were leaving her house. Ma gave Hadley a hug when I brought her back in, and thankfully, Ma asked no questions. She was probably creeping with Eli somewhere by the window, but I knew she meant well so I’d let it slide.
I studied Lucy’s slumped shoulders as she opened the car door. Hadley was having trouble getting Eli away from Hank on the porch. “I thought you were cheering up. Why are you suddenly a sour tail again?” I ruffled Lucy’s head, and she swatted it away as she climbed into her car seat so I could buckle her in. I was really getting the hang of the five-point harness. It helped that Lucy could buckle herself in—getting out was still a problem.
“Are you really going to have kids?” I froze and glanced up at Lucy’s face. Her lips were set in a stubborn pout with her arms crossed over her chest.
“You don’t want me to have any?”
She shook her head. “You’ll forget about us if you have some.”
I smiled and flicked her nose. “Silly. No matter how many kids I have, you will always matter.”
“How?” She huffed it like it was impossible.
“If I do have kids, who do you think will be their mommy? Yours, goofy.”
“Yeah. Lucy, as far as I’m concerned you and Eli are already my family. One day I plan to make what I feel in here,” I tapped on my chest, “official.”
“How?” Her nose wrinkled.
“I can’t say ’cause you’d go and tell your mom, and it’s something I want to surprise her with when I know she’s ready.”
“I want to know!”
“Will you be okay with that? Me being a part of your family one day?”
She was quiet as she thought about it. “I don’t want you to like me less.”
“No one could ever take your place, Lucy. No matter what anyone says or thinks, you come first.” I messed her hair up again. “You’re the reason I want to give you another brother or sister. I don’t even like kids except for you and Eli. I swear.” She cupped her mouth and grinned.
“What are you guys smiling about over there?” Hadley asked as she opened the other door to put Eli in his car seat.
I laughed when Lucy said, “It’s a surprise!”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Hadley
My worries seemed pointless. A week passed since the tear-a-thon I’d done last Sunday, and I hadn’t heard from Scott or his family. Everything was back to normal. Well, except for the fact that I stopped texting Scott and asking if he’d like to see Lucy and Eli.
I stopped completely and it was a relief.
Lucy didn’t bring up her dad anymore, and I wasn’t going to either. I was done trying. If Scott wanted to try, I hoped for his sake he didn’t wait around until they were older and wanted nothing to do with them. It wouldn’t be my fault if it happened, but of course I’d get the blame—the villain. Maybe I was since it terrified me to think of still being with him if he had never opened my eyes by cheating. I would have dutifully and hopelessly stayed by his side because he was the father of my kids—Scott was just as much a child as Lucy and Eli.
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