As she reached the last stall, she smiled and held in a laugh. Edwin stood mucking out the stall with his large shovel. Every inch of him was covered in mud, straw, and other unrecognizable things. You could barely see the freckles across his nose. His red hair was plastered to his face with sweat and he wiped one mud covered hand across his pale brow. Even the little bit of red stubble he called a beard was clogged with muck.
Her smothered laugh startled him, and he glanced up. Quickly his face went from pale to bright red. “Your Majesty,” he stuttered. “I…I didn’t know you were here. How can I help you?”
“I need a horse Edwin. She doesn’t need to be fast; I just want to go for a ride.”
He glanced out the window at the falling snowflakes. “But it’s quite cold outside. Wouldn’t you rather stay inside by the fire?”
“I’ve been sitting by the fire. I want to go out now.”
“But what if you get lost? How would we find you?”
She shook her head. “I’m not going far; and besides, I grew up here remember?”
“Yes, but… what if the enemy is out there?”
“Then the watchmen have not done their jobs. Now, if there are no more questions I will go on my ride.”
“But…”
Katherine came close and leaned into his muddy face, speaking in a harsh whisper. “Edwin, don’t make me order you to give me a horse. Just help me out. I won’t be gone long. If anything happens, I’ll come right back.”
Reluctantly, Edwin saddled a horse for her and helped her up. He held the reins and led her to the gatehouse door. After a quick word with the gateman, the door was opened, and Katherine waved good-bye while riding out into the white wilderness.
Adam was sharpening various swords when Edwin came rushing up to him. The young man looked only slightly cleaner than when he had been in the stables. In fact, the horse smell was so strong that Adam knew exactly who it was before he turned around.
“Edwin, you should really wash some of that smell off you before you enter civilization again.”
“Sorry, sir, but…”
“Sir? It’s Adam.”
“Sorry, Adam, but…”
Finally, he turned around, wiping his hands on a cloth sitting nearby. His face was full of laughter. He did enjoy twisting this young man’s tongue. “Go on. Spit it out.”
“Queen Katherine has left, sir.”
Adam almost choked. “Left? Left where? How long ago?”
In his fear, the older man had backed Edwin up against the wall. “Please, Adam, I told her not to go, but she wouldn’t listen!”
Adam’s strong fist grabbed Edwin’s collar. “Where did she go, and how long ago did she leave?”
“She went for a ride outside the castle walls, and she left about an hour ago. I waited for her to return, she said she wouldn’t go far or be long, but then the snow grew worse…”
“Enough! Get me my horse! Run, Edwin!”
The young man was out the door before Adam could finish his thought.
Michael stood stiffly. He stretched his limbs and looked out the window. The snowflakes danced lightly across the panes and floated to the ground. It looked like there was another blizzard in the making. In the courtyard below him, men were wandering to and fro. Some looked like there was no purpose to their steps; others looked as if their life depended on the errand they were running. He could see Adam gesturing and Edwin running back and forth from the stable. The snow obscured his vision, but it looked as though a crowd was gathering. Was Adam thinking of running drills in this blizzard?
He shook his head. He would go down and see what the fuss was about. No one needed to be out and about in a blizzard like this.
“Men, come quickly! We know her majesty has been out for about an hour. She shouldn’t have gone far from the castle, but with this blizzard we can’t be sure of that. Go out in groups of three and do not get separated! Our only task is to find the queen before something happens to her! Now…”
At that moment the gate clanged open. Katherine’s horse trotted in among the others gathered in the courtyard. About twenty men were standing staring at their queen. She looked at the group before her. Her eyes fell on Edwin who slipped behind Adam. Adam’s eyes were searching her, evaluating her every movement.
“What’s going on?”
Adam dismounted and walked toward her. “You were gone for a long time. We were worried about you.”
“I can take care of myself.” She also dismounted and handed her reins to Edwin who jumped forward, eager to help.
“What were you doing?” Adam stepped closer to her as they spoke. His eyes were cold and searching.
“Going for a ride. I wanted outside the castle walls.” Her tone was airy and light, but it wavered as she spoke. She started to leave, but Adam grasped her arm.
“You weren’t running away again?”
Her face blushed. That was exactly what she had intended but decided against it. She was queen. There was no escaping that fact now, no matter how much she wished otherwise. “How dare you.” Her anger seeped into every word. She was furious that Adam would suspect her of something so cowardly, even if it was true. “How dare you accuse me of deserting my kingdom, my people. How dare you!”
Adam looked her straight in the eye. He knew exactly what was going on.
“You think I can’t take care of myself? That I’m not in control? That I don’t know exactly what’s going on?” Her fury rose to a higher pitch. “How dare you!” She turned on Edwin who jumped behind Adam once more. “And I suppose you were party to this?” Before he could answer, her eyes were drawn elsewhere.
Michael had just walked down the stairs and come out into the courtyard. There was a smile on his face as he saw Katherine, Adam, and Edwin talking. She was probably telling them what he was going to say, that no one should be outside in a blizzard like this. He was surprised to see her glare at him in anger. He stopped about ten feet from her, confusion clear on his face.
“You probably started it! You told them I couldn’t be trusted! How dare you!” Her accusing finger carried her right to Michael’s face. Her heart told her she was making a mistake, but she was too angry to care. Her stomach grumbled at her.
“Katherine, what are you talking about?”
Furious, she shoved past him and marched up the stairs.
Michael turned to the sheepish men standing before him. Adam’s eyes were still following Katherine as she walked up the stairs, and Edwin had finally come out from behind the older man.
“Would someone like to explain what just happened?”
Katherine flung herself on her bed. She felt sick and disgusted with herself. How could she lead anyone? She couldn’t even keep herself under control! Every word that had just come out of her mouth was a lie, and she knew it. Adam and Edwin and all the rest had only been trying to help her. They were concerned. She wasn’t sure where Michael fell into the mess, but she suspected he truly had no idea what just happened.
Anger was quickly turning into remorse and embarrassment. She knew she owed everyone an apology. That much was certain. A sigh escaped her lips. What was happening to her? Her whole life had been training for leadership. Why was she running now that her destiny had finally arrived?
Her stomach rumbled, and she felt sick. She knew why she wanted to run. All of the training in the world couldn’t have prepared her for being a mother. This baby was something totally unexpected and frightening. Katherine would rather fight a thousand men than be responsible for the life of the baby inside of her. How did she even know she could take care of him…or her? What would Michael say when he found out? What if he didn’t want children? It wasn’t really something they’d talked about. Another sigh.
“What am I going to do?” she whispered.
“About what?”
Michael poked his head in the bedroom door and saw his wife sprawled on the bed. Tears were slipping down her cheeks and off the end of her nose. Even with her hair tussled and her d
ress wrinkled, she was beautiful to him. Every part of her was something to love and cherish, even the tears. He sat on the edge of the bed and waited while she readjusted to make room for him.
She sighed once again. “Nothing. Well…something.” Could she tell him now? Certainly not after the way she’d treated him.
“You know you can tell me anything. What’s wrong?” His eyes were waiting patiently for the truth, and not just part of it. He wanted everything.
Katherine wanted to. She wanted to tell him how scared she was. She wanted to share the burden of her secret. But it had been four months now that she had hidden the truth. She couldn’t blurt it all out in one moment.
“I’m just so embarrassed by the way I acted. I shouldn’t have spoken that way to anyone, especially you.”
“It’s already forgiven.”
His kind smile reassured her to continue pouring out her feelings. “I’m so confused right now. I have so many questions.”
“Like what?”
“Like…why is there a madman chasing me and wanting to ruin Adven?”
“He wants to get back at your father. He resents the position you hold.”
“But why me?”
“Because your father is dead. You and your sister were the closest thing to him. Ralyn is in Suffrom. You are easier to torment.”
His ready answers frustrated her. It made it sound like common knowledge, but it truly didn’t make sense to her. “Why did my father have to die?”
“I don’t know.”
She looked at him puzzled. Michael smiled his easygoing smile. “I’m not God. I don’t know everything.”
Her eyes searched the room for another question to help explain her emotions. They landed on her sword leaning on the wall opposite her. Now it looked dull and hidden by the shadows, but her mind still saw it glistening as she raised it against her enemies.
She stood to her feet, walked over and picked up the sword. It felt heavy in her hands, like she’d picked up the burden of her secret instead of picking up the sword in its sheath. “What about this?”
“What about it?”
“Why did it do what it did?”
“What do you mean?”
His gentle probing frustrated her. “The way it blinded those men coming after us. It looked like lightning in the sky. I didn’t even have to do anything! It just…” The question trailed off into silence as she lost the words to complete the thought.
“I don’t know that answer either.”
He got off the bed and walked to her. He took the sword from her hand and looked at it. The sheath was hard leather and a dull brown. The hilt gave a tiny hint as to the well-made sword attached to it, hiding in the sheath. “Sometimes God wants things to remain a mystery. It reminds us of the miracles He provides and the help He gives.” He returned the sword to her, letting it drop lightly into her waiting hands. “As for the questions, He can answer those as well. Ask Him, not me, and you may get better answers.”
She nodded. Her heart pondered all her husband had said.
“Katherine?”
“Hm?”
“May I ask you a question?”
“Yes.”
He reached over and led her to the bed. The sword sat in her lap with her hands settled on top of it. Michael’s hand gently reached over to cover his wife’s. “What are you hiding from me?”
Emotion leapt into her throat. This was her chance! She could tell him everything. About the baby. About her fears of being an inadequate mother. About her fears he’d be worried about her.
Her mouth opened to tell him, but her mind reminded her of the letter Ralyn had sent all those months ago. The doctor has had to tell King Evan a thousand times to let me be. If he had his way, I would never leave my chambers.
The thought invaded her mind, filling it with pictures of being forced to stay in her room, to stop her duties around the castle, to stay behind when the war started again…
She shook her head. Michael would be too loving. He would be just like Evan, wanting her to stay put and not move. She’d taken care of this baby for four months and nothing had happened yet! Nothing would ever happen to this baby.
“I’m not hiding anything.” She smiled prettily at him and bobbed her head to one side. It completed the innocent look. “What made you think I was?”
Michael’s eyes searched his wife’s. Her smile lit up her face, and her voice showed no hint of the tears streaking her face earlier. But in her eyes there was a distance. Something like a wall separated him from seeing what she really felt. There was no doubt about it. She was hiding something. “Nothing I suppose.”
Her smile widened, but it still didn’t reach her eyes. Gently, she leaned over and kissed Michael on the cheek. He almost flinched, and it surprised him. The kiss wasn’t full of love or affection. It was cold and empty. She was trying to distract him and set aside his fears.
Katherine leaned back and smiled again. “I’d best go apologize to those in the courtyard for my thoughtless actions.” She stood and strapped her sword to her belt. It was long almost reaching her ankles. The brown leather sheath blended in with her dark green dress. The material was so dark it looked like it held a whole forest inside the weavings. As she walked to the door, it swished around her ankles and almost succeeded in distracting him from his questions. “I’ll see you later, Michael.”
He nodded and watched her walk out the door. When she closed it behind her, tears started to come to his eyes, and he bowed his head. “God, what is she hiding from me? Why won’t she trust me? I love her, but it’s so hard when there’s something between us.”
The silence in the room met his prayer. He sighed and left to tend to his other duties before the evening meal.
Chapter Fourteen
Days flew by as preparations for the coronation continued. The incident in the courtyard was readily forgiven by all involved, and Katherine pushed aside any residual guilt or misgivings to continue her work. Everyday was another opportunity to prepare and learn and grow. She took advantage of every opportunity to do something new or different, to make a new friend or support an old friendship. The fighting emotions within her gave her the energy to keep going when everyone around her was tired of working, tired of waiting, and tired of winter.
The knights were getting the rest they needed for the long road ahead. Michael’s men were learning the skills they needed to interact with the enemy in the same manner as the rest of the knights of Adven. Everyday Adam would drill them and work right alongside the other instructors to learn and grow himself, as well as teach the men. Everyone grew strong and confident, ready to battle for the kingdom they loved and the young king and queen they respected. Even the drudgery of repeated work day-after-day couldn’t discourage their eagerness to grow in their skills.
Everyone prospered and felt comfortable during the cold winter that enveloped them. There was plenty of food and drink, plenty of wood to burn in the fire, and plenty of stories and songs to tell and to sing. In fact, everyone was satisfied except Michael. The thought that Katherine was keeping something from him ate at his thoughts and heart. Outwardly, she showed no sign of it; but every time she brushed past him or planted a kiss on his cheek, he could sense her distance. The act was good. No one else knew or even suspected. But he knew.
Time after time he would try to talk to her. They would talk about the coronation, and then the war; but when he tried to talk about after the war, about peace and prosperity, about having time to build a family of their own… She would suddenly have something to do or be called away. Always Katherine would promise to finish the conversation later, but they never did. Each night Michael would come into their bedroom hoping for a chance to talk in that precious space of time before they went to sleep, but she would already be asleep. Every night, he would pray, kiss her on the cheek, and crawl in bed beside her. And every night, his sleep would be disturbed by the fact that they hadn’t really spoken in a month.
The door cre
aked open quietly as Michael entered the dark bedroom. His candle revealed his wife’s sleeping form lying on their bed. She was covered in blankets all the way up to her ears, but her hair was lying in its braid on top of the covers. He watched her breathing cause the blanket to move up and down gently.
Carefully, he tiptoed around the bed and set down the candle. He crawled into bed and leaned over Katherine. “I love you. You know that, right? ‘Place me as a seal over your heart.’ I’ll keep your secrets if only you’d tell them to me.” With that he kissed her, breathed a silent prayer, and went to sleep.
He didn’t see Katherine’s tears running down her face as she opened her eyes in the darkness.
The nightmares had returned. Distorted pictures ran through her mind. Her father swinging her through the air as a child, but no! It wasn’t him; it was Michael…but it wasn’t her…who was that little girl? But then he let go and she went sailing through the air, but it wasn’t the little girl falling…it was Katherine. She screamed as she fell to the ground, but she never felt the impact. It was the little girl lying crumpled on the ground.
“Are you alright?” The wind whipped Katherine’s question away before the question reached the still form on the ground. “Someone please help her! I think she’s hurt!”
Katherine turned in circles repeating her call for help. When she turned to look at the still form, it was no longer a little girl, but her father! “Father! I’m sorry! I love you!” Of course, he didn’t respond. He was dead. But it wasn’t her father…
“Michael! What happened?” She ran to him and shook him. He didn’t respond. Katherine heard the madman’s voice laughing somewhere is the mess. “Michael,” she whispered. “Don’t leave me alone!”
Sobbing. Weeping. Where was it coming from? The little girl! She was standing over Michael weeping. But why? “Who are you?”
The pictures dissolved into blackness pierced by insane laughter. No! He’s not dead! He’s right here beside me! Michael? Michael? Where are you? God, where are you!?
To Love in Peace: 10th Anniversary Edition Page 10