by Nikki Ashton
His admission surprised me, I’d assumed that he would always remember, but not still visit the park or the tree. Although, if I was honest with myself, I should have known that he’d still feel it as hard. He’d been as grief-stricken as I had been. It had hit him just as hard.
“What about you?” he asked, picking up a twig from the ground.
“Claudia and I are going to see a client later this afternoon, so I thought I’d take this morning off. I think Claudia thinks I’ve got a hangover.”
Elijah laughed, discarding the twig. “You out last night?”
“No, but she much prefers to make things up in her head than actually believe the truth.”
We both grinned.
“Yeah, I kind of got that she was a bit…well, that you have a strange kind of working relationship.”
“We do, but I like her and she’s really good at her job.”
Elijah rose to his full height and shoved his hands into the pockets of his light jacket. “I guess I’d better go.”
“Please don’t, if you want to stay, I’m going anyway.” I instinctively placed a hand on his arm and then quickly pulled it away, as if I’d been shocked. “Sorry, I’ll…well, I’ll get going.”
Elijah licked his lips and swallowed hard. “You fancy a coffee?” he asked. “The park café is open.” He nodded toward the Swiss Chalet type building painted in black and white.
My breath caught in my lungs as I thought about spending some time with him. I was supposed to have moved on, yet the possibility of being with Elijah alone, even if it was in café full of people, thrilled me.
I nodded. “That would be lovely.”
As we walked to the café, I told myself we were simply spending some time to pay tribute to our baby that we’d lost. It didn’t mean anything else. It wasn’t going to lead to anything because Elijah had Mia and I was starting a new relationship with Leon. The problem was, as Elijah walked beside me, I wanted for all the world to take his hand in mine, just as we did when we walked this park over five years ago.
Elijah
aged 28
As we made our way over to the café, I couldn’t help but steal sly looks at Amy. The weather was a little cooler than it had been and she was wearing a tan leather jacket that stopped at her waist, with boots the same colour over her dark skinny jeans. With her hair hanging loose over her shoulders and down her back, she looked gorgeous and I could see glimpses of the seventeen year old girl I’d fallen in love with – the flashing, amber eyes and thick swathe of swishing hair made my chest and fucking jeans a whole lot tighter.
Taking a deep breath, I thought of Mia and my stomach knotted. I needed to remember that I’d made a commitment to her and thinking about Amy in any other way than a friend, a friendly ex, wasn’t fair to my girlfriend.
“It’s gone a little cooler,” I said, zipping up my jacket.
“Yeah,” Amy replied. “Although, it’s supposed to be getting warmer later in the week.”
We looked at each other and grinned.
“Shit, you’d think we were total strangers.” I shook my head and groaned. “Let’s start again. How you doing?”
“Well, that’s not much better.” Amy laughed and shook her head.
“It’s either that or ask you how work is going, so at least asking about you might spark a conversation.”
We laughed together and continued walking, chatting about life in general. The atmosphere was relaxed, but when we sat at an outside table with our coffees, it changed. We looked out across the park and the chestnut tree was in our line of vision. Both spotting it at the same time, the air suddenly filled with emotion and pain.
“Do you really think he’d have been in a band?” Amy asked, wrapping her hands around her coffee mug. “Neither of us are musical, so I wonder why we ever thought Dylan would be.”
Her smile was bright, but I could see the pain behind her eyes. I recognised it, because it resembled my own whenever I thought of our baby.
Losing it had hit us both harder than I would have ever expected. Five years and we were still in pain. Maybe it had affected us so deeply because it was the beginning of the end for us, I had no idea, all I knew was my heart still ached for the child that we both wanted so badly.
“He’d have had our amazing genes,” I replied. “He’d have been brilliant at everything.”
Amy gave me a dazzling smile and this time it seemed genuine, without any grief behind it.
“I agree,” she said, nodding and looking into the distance. “He would have been a handsome little devil too.”
“Obviously, because he’d have looked like me.”
Amy’s head snapped my way and she stared at me wide-eyed.
“Ego much.”
I burst out laughing and smoothed a hand over my shaven head.
“Well you know it’s hard to ignore when you’re this good looking.”
“I totally understand,” Amy sighed. “I mean, you could actually be a model.”
I grinned and felt a surge of pride, or maybe that ego she’d mentioned, when I noticed her blush and squirm a little in her chair. I still affected her as much as she affected me, and while I liked the idea, I wasn’t sure it was a good thing.
“How are Matty and his girlfriend doing?” I asked, veering us toward a safer conversation.
“Oh, they’re fine,” Amy replied brightly. “Absolutely thrilled by it all, considering their age and circumstances.”
“What are they, twenty-one?”
“Yeah, almost twenty-two, but they’re ready. It’s what they want and I know they’re going to be fantastic parents.”
I wanted to say like we would have been, but the similarities with Amy and I were too much and I didn’t want to bring the mood down again.
“Did you say they’re living with your mum and dad?”
Amy nodded. “Yes, until they get enough money together for a deposit. They’re saving as much as they can, so we’re helping them as much as we can. Mum and Dad have bought them a load of stuff; nappies, clothes, a cot, and I bought them a pushchair.”
“Wow, that’s really generous of you,” I replied, remembering how we’d priced a few up for when we were ready to buy one. I’d wanted to get one straight away, but Amy had wanted to wait – something about it being bad luck. Turns out, it really wouldn’t have made any difference.
I looked at Amy to see her playing with a packet of sugar. She looked uncomfortable again and I guessed it was the talk of babies – I’d been a dick to assume Matty and his girlfriend was a safe subject after talking about Dylan.
I searched my brain for another safe subject, when Amy spoke.
“I saw you actually.”
I looked at her, wondering what she meant.
“When I was buying the pushchair,” she explained. “You were walking past the shop with your girlfriend.”
“Oh, okay.”
Amy swallowed and then gave me a small smile, which barely moved her lips.
“She’s very pretty; your girlfriend.”
I shifted in my seat, not sure what to say. If I agreed, I’d probably sound like a boastful dick and if I didn’t, I’d sound like an undeserving dick.
“Mia,” I said instead. “Her name is Mia.”
When Amy took in a long breath, I wished I’d gone for being a deaf dick, who thought she’d said the gardens looked pretty.
“What about you, are you seeing anyone?”
Why the fuck had I thought that was the best question to change the conversation with? Shit, I didn’t want to hear her fucking response. If she said a name, I knew I’d want to damn well hunt him down and punch him, but if she didn’t say a name, or told me she was single I’d end up thinking all sorts of stupid ideas that I had no right thinking.
Amy shrugged and screwed her nose up. Her usual tell for when she wasn’t sure how to answer something. Fuck, I wanted to kill the guy, not just punch him.
“I’ve had a couple of dates,” she lied.
I knew it was a lie, because her gaze darted from me to the chestnut tree. I needed to know why she was lying – to save my feelings or her own?
“Ah, okay, so how did you meet?”
Why the hell I was putting myself through such torture, I had no idea, but someone up above felt sorry for me and wanted to stop the pain because both mine and Amy’s phones started to ring at the same time.
We looked at each other with matching expressions of amazement before looking down at our mobiles.
Mia.
With my finger hovering over the reject button, I looked over at Amy’s phone.
Leon – stupid fucking name.
Looking up into her eyes, I willed Amy to reject the call. I wanted to ignore Mia, wanting to spend more time with my ex-wife. My girlfriend was hundreds of miles away, I hadn’t seen her for almost a month, yet talking to Amy was all I could think about.
As our phones continued to ring, I held my breath, waiting and watching.
When Amy’s stopped my eyes dropped from her face to her phone, to see her finger on the red reject option to the screen.
Letting out a huge breath, I did the same, my eyes never leaving Amy’s brandy coloured mirrors to her soul.
Elijah
aged 22
It had been almost two months since we’d lost the baby, and things were gradually getting back to normal.
Normal if you called the huge lump of grief sitting in your gut, normal.
Normal if listening to your wife cry while taking a bath, normal.
Normal if not seeing joy and laughter in her eyes any longer, normal.
Otherwise, we were getting on with life as usual. There was a little more urgency when we had sex; after having a six week check-up, Amy had become insatiable. At first, I wondered whether she was desperately trying to get pregnant again, but when I broached the subject, she was adamant that we waited for a couple of years before we tried again. Do the things we planned before our little surprise had come along.
Which was why we were at an indoor ski slope, getting some practice in for the skiing holiday that Amy and Rachel wanted to organise.
Rachel, Amy, and I had been skiing with the sixth form, when we were eighteen, but none of us had skied since. Adam, Rachel’s boyfriend, was pretty good, having been a few times, and I was okay. I wouldn’t be doing any black runs, but I was able to stay on my feet and get from the top to the bottom without too much trouble. Amy and Rachel, however, weren’t so good.
Amy had been on her backside far more often than she was on her feet, but she was handling it like a champ, unlike Rachel who was almost crying with the frustration of having not only a bruised arse, but bruised pride too.
“Don’t let her see you laughing,” Adam said, at the same time as he turned his head to laugh.
“Oh fuck,” I cried. “Move. Amy is coming straight for us.”
Adam and I jumped out of the way, just in time as Amy bowled through us and a group of kids, scattering us like a set of ten pins at a bowling alley.
“Oi,” one of the kids shouted. “You nearly killed us.”
Adam and I roared laughing, our eyes still on Amy, as she squealed before catching her skis together and flying arse over tit.
“Oh shit,” I groaned. “I’d better go and help her up.”
“Yeah and I’ll get mine.” Adam nodded to Rachel, who was rolling onto her side, desperately trying to untangle her legs and skis.
“You want to call it a day, Ames?” I asked, holding a hand out to my gorgeous, but totally uncoordinated, wife.
She blew up at the hair in her eyes and grinned.
“I think I’m actually improving.”
I looked behind me to see a couple of kids who were rubbing their arms or backs where they’d fallen and burst out laughing.
“What?” Amy asked.
“You nearly massacred a whole class of eleven year olds. I’m not sure that’s improving.”
“There you go,” she stated, taking my hand, allowing me to pull her up. “I only nearly killed them. An hour ago, I’m sure an ambulance would have been needed for at least one of them.”
As she got to her feet inches from me, I dropped a kiss to her nose.
“Even so, I think we’ve done enough for one day. We can come back again. Although,” I said pointing at Rachel who now had Adam pulled on top of her, “I’m not sure Rachel will have as much enthusiasm as she did for a skiing holiday. My guess is they’ll be suggesting a beach one instead.”
Amy looked over at her friend and started to giggle. “Hmm, you might be right. We could still go though, couldn’t we?”
I shrugged. “If you want to, but we can’t afford both.”
Amy thought about it for a couple of seconds, looked over to Rachel, down to her skis and then back to me.
“A beach holiday it is.”
“Thank fuck for that,” I replied with a grin. “Because I’m not sure we have enough money to pay for the number of practice sessions you’d need and the holiday.”
Amy tried to look affronted, smacking a hand against my chest, but as soon as I threaded my fingers through her hair and kissed her, she soon melted against me.
“I love you,” she whispered as we pulled apart.
Looking into her eyes, I saw a flash of darkness, of grief, before a dim light returned.
“I love you too. Always, even if you are shit at skiing.”
We both grinned and were still smiling when Adam and Rachel joined us.
“Hey guys,” Adam said, clinging onto Rachel’s hand. “We’re really sorry but we don’t think we want to go skiing.”
Amy and I started to laugh as I pulled her closely into my side.
“Yeah, we agree,” I said. “I couldn’t afford the compensation for everyone Amy maims.”
“Thank fuck,” Adam groaned, dropping Rachel’s skis that he was holding onto. “Poolside here we come.”
Amy kissed under my ear and whispered. “This is going to be the best year ever.”
I breathed her in and nodded, knowing that we were on our way out of the darkness. It would be a long, slow journey, but we would definitely get there.
Amy
aged 28
Leon and I had been seeing each other for almost a month and things were going pretty well. He liked to take me on different types of dates, so we’d been to the horse races, on a ghost hunt, and more recently paintballing with his work colleagues. After really hating the idea at first, I ended up quite enjoying myself. I had a huge bruise on my bum from being hit while trying to run away, but otherwise, Leon had stuck to me like glue, protecting me as much as possible. I’d barely had to fire at anyone and even had bullets left at the end of the day.
I enjoyed Leon’s company and while I couldn’t say I was falling for him just yet, I could see it as a possibility. Not having seen Elijah for two weeks probably helped. After our coffee in the park, we hadn’t been in contact – not that I expected to. I think we both took that day for what it was, two people with the same grief needing to spend a little time together to share the pain.
When Elijah rejected the call from Mia, at the same time that I rejected Leon’s, for a brief moment I wondered if the act had meant something momentous to both of us. The thing was though, when we left the park neither of us said anything about it. We simply went our separate ways to our cars and nothing was mentioned. When I opened my car door, I looked up to see Elijah watching me from his truck. I held my breath, waiting for him to do something – anything, but he simply waved, got into the truck, and drove away and that was the last that I saw of him.
“So,” Claudia sighed as she came into the office with a couple of mugs of coffee. “You’re really going on this weekend away with the new fella, to see a bloody Laurel & Hardy exhibition?”
I rolled my eyes as she passed me my coffee, with a huge grin on her face.
Okay, so it wasn’t my idea of a fun time, but Leon was desperate to see it and had offere
d to pay for the hotel if I went with him. I declined his offer to pay, but he’d insisted and it would only be for a few hours out of two days. The rest of the time would be spent discovering and touring the Lake District.
“Yes,” I replied. “And I’m looking forward to it.”
“Well, you carry on telling yourself that,” Claudia muttered, as she started to type up the design plan for a local business man and his wife.
“I am,” I protested. “It’s going to be great and the weather forecast is good. We’ll be able to do lots of walking and sightseeing.”
“Oh, because that’s your favourite pastime,” she replied, sarcastically.
“I like walking and sightseeing.”
I tried to sound enthusiastic, but Claudia was right, walking or hiking, as it was more likely to be, wasn’t my idea of fun. I’d do it though, because Leon liked to and had already researched a couple of walks.
“And will you be sharing a room?” she asked.
I cleared my throat and coughed in an attempt to avoid answering her. It wasn’t something Leon and I had discussed. We hadn’t got past the kissing stage, which seemed ridiculous for two people in their late twenties, but I wasn’t ready. I was definitely attracted to him and things had got hot and heavy a couple of times, but that had been the limit.
I had no idea why I wasn’t ready. Leon was attractive and sexy and I was turned on during our make-out sessions, but sex wasn’t on my plan just yet. I’d slept with Seb almost straight away and there’d been the disastrous one-night thing with Finlay before we decided to be friends, but that was all both relationships were – sexual. To me anyway, I think both Seb and Finlay had other ideas. Maybe I wanted to do things differently with Leon because I could see that we had potential – who knew? What I did know was, I’d told him I couldn’t wait to go away with him and was now wishing I’d specifically asked for separate rooms, rather than wondering and knowing deep down that Leon would have booked a double room.