by Nikki Ashton
My feet and heart stopped at the same time as the world stopped turning. Bile rose in my throat when Lauren Proctor turned her head to me, a victorious smirk on her face.
She was on top of Elijah, his half-sleeve of tattoos on show as his arms wrapped around her.
I tried to scream out, but my throat constricted and any words I had were trapped and came out as a pained moan. Elijah’s head lifted from the pillow, lolling, as his eyes rolled in his head.
“Amy,” he groaned, before dropping his head back and moaning as guilt rocked through him.
I clutched my roiling stomach, with tears streaming down my face, turned, and ran.
Amy
aged 28
I hadn’t heard a word that Leon had said, because the only thing going around in my head was what had happened from two nights before with Elijah.
I was still reeling from it all, from his declaration that he still loved me to the fact that he was still living with his bloody girlfriend. I could not believe he would have cheated on the poor girl, never mind string me along. Elijah Cooper was a fucking bastard and didn’t deserve to be happy.
How on earth could he do that to me again? He’d broken my heart once and was all set to do it again. As for Mia, did she know what a twat he was, what he’d planned on doing – to find out if I was willing and then end things with her. Talk about having your bread buttered on both sides.
I breathed heavily, as I envisaged what I’d like to do to him, how I’d like to punch him in his stupid face and then knee him in the balls for good measure. I hated him. I never wanted to see or speak to him again. I wanted to curl up and cry over the fact that he’d given me hope and then snatched it away.
I felt stupid and foolish and all because of Elijah.
“Ugh,” I groaned, turning to stare out of the car window.
“You okay?” Leon asked.
I turned to look at his profile as he drove away from my house. He was handsome, but his nose was a little too straight, his hair a little too long and not quite the right shade of brown. His hands were too smooth and he didn’t have tattoos, but he was kind and sweet and I was pretty sure he would never make me feel worthless, but he would never make me feel alive either because he wasn’t Elijah, the man who only seconds before I’d been thinking I hated and never wanted to see again.
“Amy,” he said, glancing at me. “What’s wrong?”
As I stared at Leon, the only noise was that of the windscreen wipers swishing against the pouring rain, and I found myself breathing in time with them. Their sound was the tick tock of a clock, counting down the minutes of silence.
“Have you forgotten something?” Leon’s voice was a little more persistent, maybe even impatient.
As images of my kiss and my argument with Elijah flitted through my memory banks, I curled my hands into fist and took in a deep breath.
“Stop the car.”
“What? Why?” Leon’s brow furrowed, but he kept on driving.
“Leon, just stop the car,” I cried, leaning forward to pick up my bag from the foot well.
“Are you going to be ill? Shit,” he groaned, indicating to pull into a side road. “Please don’t be sick in my car.”
“I’m not going to be sick.” I reached out and touched his hand that was on the gear stick. “I’m so sorry, Leon, but I can’t go away with you.”
“What the hell are you on about?” His eyes went back to the road, as he pulled up alongside the pavement.
“I’m sorry, Leon. I can’t go with you.” I turned to unbuckle my seat belt, agitatedly pressing the release button twice, before getting free from its confines. “I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, you fucking said,” he cried, holding his hands up. “But why the fuck not? It’s all paid for.”
“I know,” I shook my head. “But I just can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
“Too damn right it’s not fair. I paid for a weekend away, I thought it’s what you wanted.”
“I’ll pay you,” I said, scrabbling in my bag for my purse. “I don’t have much on me, but I can give you some.”
“It’s not about the damn money; I just want to know why you can’t go? Is it the double room, because I’ll sleep on the floor if it’s that?”
He looked distraught and I hated myself for letting us get this far. In fact, I hated Elijah for making me doubt about letting us get this far. I’d been fairly happy, enjoying my time with Leon before Elijah had pulled his damn mind tricks on me.
I shook my head. “No, it’s not that. I just can’t.”
“That’s no fucking answer, Amy. I deserve something better than ‘I can’t’.”
I watched as his eyes searched my face for an answer. I saw how he was slumped back in the driver’s seat and how his knuckles were white on one hand, from gripping the steering wheel. He was right; he did deserve a better answer.
“I’m still in love with my ex-husband,” I rushed out on a heavy breath. “I hate him too, but more than anything I love him and I just can’t be with anyone who isn’t him.”
As a sob escaped from my mouth, Leon let out a sigh of defeat and shook his head.
“Just go,” he snapped and turned to look through the windscreen at the rain pelting down.
“I am sorry, Leon.”
He didn’t answer me and I’d barely closed the car door when he sped away.
As the rain lashed down around me, I didn’t even watch him go, instead I pulled my phone from my bag and hoped to god that Sam’s work number was still the same.
Amy
aged 28
As I ran through the streets, soaked to my skin, I could barely breathe, my hair hung in long, wet strands and I was sure my makeup would be smeared across my face, but I didn’t care. I had to get there and speak to Elijah.
Gasping for breath, I rounded the corner of the street and breathed a sigh of relief; on a driveway was Elijah’s truck, so slowing down to a quick walk, I continued to the house. I hadn’t had time to think about what I was going to say, I just knew that I had to speak to him. Thankfully, Sam hadn’t questioned me too much about why I wanted Elijah’s address, if anything he sounded relieved. He even wished me good luck before he ended the call.
When I was still some way from the house, I noticed the front door swing open and Elijah came storming out with a weekend bag slung over his shoulder – my heart cracked knowing he must be going to see her, Mia. He strode forward, with determined strides, and with his head down against the rain, he pointed his key at the truck and beeped it open.
Without any other thought than I needed to stop him, I started to run and screamed his name into the wind and rain.
“Elijah, wait.”
My voice got lost in the air, so I opened my mouth again and screamed his name even louder, picking up my pace as I did so. Still not hearing me, he threw his bag into the truck, and then got in himself.
As I ran faster, my bag slipped down my shoulder and fell to ground. Stumbling over it, I almost fell flat on my face, but managed to right myself just in time. Snatching it up, I continued to run, but Elijah was already pulling out of his drive.
“No…Elijah…wait,” I screamed, desperately catching my breath in between each word.
It was no use; with the noise of his engine and the rain, he wasn’t going to hear me. Frantic, I ran into the middle of the road, dropped my bag and bent forwards, dragging as much air as I could into my lungs to screech out his name again, but still he didn’t hear. Leaving my bag, with its contents spilling onto the asphalt, I ran a few steps, waving my arms around. When he still continued to drive toward the junction at the end of his street, his indicator blinking brightly in the dimming light, I kicked off my ballet shoe, stooped to pick it up and threw it as hard and as far as I could, aiming for the back window of the truck.
It was useless. My aim and throw were pathetic and the shoe landed only a couple of feet in front of me and with the rain still sheeting down, feeling cold, and wet
and utterly deflated, I sank to the ground as Elijah continued to drive away.
“Don’t go, please,” I whispered, holding my soaking wet head in my hands. “Come back.”
I didn’t care that I was sitting in the middle of the road, that I was soaked to my skin and was wearing only one shoe. I didn’t care that a car could come around the corner at any moment and not see me and potentially kill me. I didn’t care, because nothing mattered any more. He’d gone to her, I was sure of it and I’d missed my chance to tell him how I really felt.
As I sobbed into my hands, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, expecting to see a concerned stranger, but gasped in shock when I saw Elijah.
With rain running down his face and off the end of his nose and chin, he silently held out my shoe to me. I took it, still looking up at him and put it back on and once I had, he held out his hand to help me up.
“You s-s-topped,” I stammered, the cold suddenly chilling me to my bones.
“What was that?” he asked, nodding down at my shoe. “It was pitiful.”
I glanced at my feet and then back up to him. “I was trying to get your attention.”
“Why?”
He wasn’t wearing a jacket and the thin V-necked jumper he had on and white t-shirt underneath were already soaked.
“I wanted to talk to you,” I replied, blinking away raindrops from my eyelashes.
“What about?” He widened his stance and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked down on me.
“Us. I need to talk to you about us.”
Elijah grimaced and shook his head. “Nothing to say. You said it all the other night.”
“I know…” I sighed, trying to find the words. My feelings were torn. Half my heart was crying out for him to kiss me, while the other half wanted to tell him how angry I was at how he’d gone about things.
“Go on,” he insisted.
“I know what I said,” I continued, taking a deep breath. “I know I was angry, but I’ve had time to think about things. Consider how I feel.”
Elijah let out an empty laugh. “Oh right, so now you’ve done that, ‘considered how you feel’, what great conclusion have you come to?”
His jaw was set tight and there was no way he was going to make it easy for me; I could see the determination in his eyes.
“How did you expect me to feel, Elijah?” I cried. “You told me you were still with your girlfriend and were going to see how I reacted before ending things with her.”
“I screwed up, I admit it,” he roared over the noise of the weather. “But you wouldn’t listen, you didn’t care, you just did what you did five years ago and ran.”
“You know why I ran five years ago,” I practically screamed, poking a finger at him. “And the other day, I felt as though I was being used. You’re still living with your girlfriend and yet told me you couldn’t be with anyone else. You lied, Elijah.”
“I didn’t fucking lie. I admit I went about things all the wrong way, said it all wrong, but I didn’t lie.”
He inched forward, leaning into my space and all my senses went on high alert. My body ached for him as his scent wafted on the wind. It was agony, not touching him.
“I can’t fucking love anyone like I love you,” he said, his voice breaking. “I can’t do it, Amy. I’ve fucking tried, but every single thing in my life comes back to you. Every thought in my fucking head is about you. I’ve felt lost for five years and I kidded myself that I was getting better, that I’d finally managed to move forward, but you damn well sashayed into that fucking house in your tight skirt and blouse, swaying that bloody red hair around and all I could think about was that I loved you still and I wanted you back. I wanted our life back.”
Resting his hands on his head, Elijah looked up at the grey, stormy sky and groaned.
“I was fucking kidding myself, I know I was, but at the least the pain had gone away.” He dropped his head to look back at me, and rested his hands on my shoulders, leaning closer. “I can’t let you break me again, Amy. I would never survive that pain again.”
“Mia helped with that pain though, didn’t she?” I asked wondering what sick sort of a person I was to want to know.
“I hate myself for saying this,” he said softly. “But Mia was only ever temporary pain relief; I just chose not to acknowledge the fact.”
“Yet you’re still with her,” I replied, my heart clenching as I thought of the weekend bag in his truck and the fact that he was going to see her.
Elijah shook his head. “I ended things with her. The day after the party, I went down to see her and tell her in person. It was shit, and I felt like a fucking twat, but I knew I couldn’t be with her, even if I couldn’t be with you.”
I inhaled sharply, understanding the pain that Mia must have felt. I couldn’t feel guilty though because if Elijah wasn’t with her, it meant we might have a chance to get back what we’d lost.
“But the weekend bag,” I said, nodding to the truck. “I thought…”
“No Amy.” Elijah reached out a hand and gently cupped my cheek. “You thought wrong, again.”
I drew in a breath as I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes briefly.
“Why are we doing this to each other?” I asked. “Hurting each other.”
“I was already hurt, Ames,” Elijah replied, dropping his hand back to his side. “What’s more pain?”
“But we could stop,” I said. “We could try again and make sure we never make the same mistakes again. Forget everything bad that’s happened.”
Elijah rolled his eyes and it felt like a sharp slap to my face.
“What’s the eye roll for?”
He moved back a step and huffed out a laugh. “Like you’d ever let me forget what you think you saw that night. It would always be your fucking stick to beat me with, Amy.”
“No,” I shook my head, desperate for him to believe me. “No way, I swear to you I wouldn’t.”
“You wouldn’t be able to help yourself,” he cried, pushing the heels of his hands against his eyes. “Ugh, you didn’t even stay around to find out the truth then, so why the fuck would you believe me now?”
I thought about what he said and everything rushed around in my head, had been rushing around in my head for days. The party, the way Lauren had been giving me evil glares, how drunk Elijah was, how I knew about his inability to have sex when he was drunk – so many things that I’d be too pig headed and selfish to consider before. I couldn’t say it was light suddenly dawning, because I think I’d known for a long time that apart from anything, Elijah was not that man. He was not that person who would do that to me. He’d adored and loved me.
“I do,” I said, moving closer. “I do believe you. I swear.”
“I wish I could believe you, Amy,” he replied sounding defeated.
“I swear to you, I do.”
“Fuck’s sake Amy, why now? Why couldn’t you believe me five years ago and then none of this shit would have happened?”
I swallowed and pushed my hands against my stomach, trying to stem the nausea swilling around in it. “I was grieving, I was stupid, I was pig headed, I don’t know Elijah and I wish I did.” Tears started to mix with the rain on my cheeks at the guilt I felt over what I’d done to us. Watching Elijah stare down at the road, I didn’t think I could reach him. I was sure he was too far gone from me for me be able to pull him back into the life we once had.
“I can’t forgive myself for not listening to you. I truly can’t, but all I can do is say sorry and ask you to forgive me and let me show you how much I love and trust you.”
I reached up on my tiptoe, gasping as a shiver ran through me, and kissed Elijah’s cheek.
“I’m so very sorry,” I whispered against his ear. “I love you, always have and always will.”
Elijah looked at me with rain dripping from his hair and face and as he leaned forward, the clouds lifted from his eyes. He watched me for what felt like hours, his eyes taking in every part
of my face, until finally he looked up at the sky and then back to me.
“Never run from me again,” he said, his voice breaking. “Listen to me when I say this again; I have never and would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I know,” I sobbed, reaching my hands up to frame his face. “And I promise I’ll never run again.”
When his mouth smashed against mine, the coldness seeping into my body disappeared. Warmth and love pulsed through my veins and my blood heated as Elijah’s strong arms pulled me tighter against him. His hands pushed under my leather jacket and sodden jumper, touching, feeling, and warming my damp skin as his fingers explored.
Needing more, I stood on my tiptoes and arched my hips forward, relishing in the feel of his erection against me. I was back where I belonged, in the arms of the man I loved and adored. The man I trusted and believed in.
As Elijah’s fingers tangled in my hair, dragging through the wet strands, the emotion was too much and tears of joy started to crawl down my cheeks. His face was wet too and somehow I knew it wasn’t just from the rain. Standing in the middle of the road, kissing and touching, this was the end of the dark days, the days when we’d lost each other, when grief, pride, and stupidity had taken away what was most precious – us.
Lost in each other, we barely heard the car that beeped at us, it was only when the puddle he drove through splashed over us that we drew apart.
“Oh my god,” I groaned, looking down at my soaking wet jeans. “That’s gone right through to my knickers.”
Elijah laughed and shook his head. “Why were you chasing after my truck in the rain anyway?”
“Because I love you and needed to tell you.”
He reached out a finger and ran it across my lips. “You didn’t think to drive here?”
“I didn’t have my car.” I lowered my eyes. “I was on my way to the Lakes.”
Elijah grunted. “So what, Leon just dumped you?”
“No,” I said, smacking at his chest. “I asked him to stop the car. He dropped me on Cartwright Street and I ran from there.”