He leaves at six thirty, and I am relieved, I lock the door and go back to bed. At ten thirty the phone is ringing. It’s Gemma, wanting all the gossip. My head is still throbbing, but I tell her all the details.
Gemma and I go out a fortnight later, and he is in the pub, sat with his mates. They are looking at me with smirks on their faces. I am gutted that he has told everyone. This is my worst nightmare. Everyone thinks I am a slapper! I tell Gemma that I am never speaking to him again. She apologises and says she didn’t know he was like that. I reply, “He’s a fucking man, isn’t he?” That is my worst date ever.
It is our first Christmas without Knobhead. I am looking forward to it but have set rules. The routine used to be that both sets of grandparents would turn up about ten thirty. I have informed Knobhead and his parents that I will drop them off about eleven thirty and pick them up before dinner, so that they can see them and give them their presents.
My mother thinks I am being hard. I politely tell her to butt out, because I have them all year, and Christmas is my day. Knobhead and his parents are no longer welcome in my house. I will not have an atmosphere on Christmas Day anymore. Knobhead hardly sees the children and has no interest in them. He prefers Eligh and Polly and shows it, whereas his mother favours Jonah and Frankie (Jonah because he is the firstborn, and she thinks he looks the most like Knobhead; Frankie because he is an angel and is such a placid child). This behaviour infuriates me. I treat them all the same, and they have the same amount spent on them to the nearest penny.
On Christmas Eve, my favourite day of the year, the children are bathed and go to bed early. They ask if they can, so I let them because I have loads to do! The boys watch television in their room, and Polly is asleep. I clean the house from top to bottom and do all the washing and ironing. Next, I make pasties and put the meat in to cook. I make the stuffing, do all the dishes, and clean the kitchen afterwards. We are going for dinner at my parents’, but I like to have meat and stuffing for Boxing Day. Later, I put out the Quality Street and presents. The children are fast asleep, and I check them and tuck them in. They look so peaceful and contented. Finally, I pour myself a glass of wine and run a hot bubble bath. I sink in the warm, soapy water and soak my aching body. I am shattered; it is two thirty in the morning. I get into bed around three thirty and shut my eyes for what feels like five seconds.
Suddenly, I am being shaken awake by Jonah and Eligh. Frankie and Polly are bouncing on the bed, and they are all shouting, “Has he been? Has he been?”
I reply, “Yes, I think he has!” I am still shattered, but we get up and go downstairs. I tell them whose presents are for whom, and within ten minutes there is wrapping paper everywhere. This is the best Christmas ever!
My parents arrive later with gifts. For the first time ever, we can enjoy Christmas without any atmosphere, and everyone is welcome in my house. Lorna and I drop off the children for their visit. Knobhead’s mother is worried that I have time to enjoy myself – so we head to the pub for an hour just to piss her off! All the locals have arrived in their new jumpers, scarves, socks, and coats. Lorna’s other half is in the pub with his mates. We have a chat and two halves of Strongbow, and then we head to pick up the kids after dropping off their gifts at the house. Poundstretcher did well this year! We all head to Mam’s for Chrimbo dinner.
It is nearly June 1997, and I have completed the first year of college and my level two NVQ in hairdressing. I am so chuffed; my mother has had four perms, nine colours, and fifteen haircuts this year. She’s a star! Gemma has been a model for me as well. Lorna comments that kids fringes are getting much straighter. I have enrolled in my level three NVQ course for next term. Polly will go to nursery full-time, and Frankie is starting reception class in school. The nursery teacher asks if Polly is like her brother, commenting that she hasn’t heard him talk all year. I reply, “No, you will know you have her!” She bosses him around a lot and is very independent, even though she is only three. Lorna has a soft spot for her. Sophie is pregnant again and is hoping for a daughter this time.
Sophie asks me if I would like to visit a fortune teller with her. She has gone for years and tells me that she knows of a lady who is very good. I am curious and wonder what she will predict, so we book it for the following week. Mam offers to mind the children.
I am nervous as we go into the ladies home. Sophie tells me I can go in first because she has been loads of times. I am led into the lady’s kitchen. She tells me to sit down and gives me a crystal ball to hold. She tells me to hold it in my hands for a few minutes before wrapping it in a cloth and taking it from me. She then looks into the palm of my hands and tells me I have had five children, although she only sees four now. She says that I won’t have any more. She looks further, predicts a long life, and shows me my lifeline. She tells me that I will not be stabbed or killed by anyone. She then tells me that she can see a bingo or lottery win around me, and a person will take me and my children on a holiday. She explains that it will be OK, but not great, and that we will travel on a water taxi boat to the main island.
She tells me that one of my four children will go far in life, and one will go into the forces. She also says that one day I will go far overseas and have more money than I will know what to do with. I ask her if I will go there to visit the child who is going to do really well. She tells me, “No, you will go for yourself.” She tells me details about my parents and friends, and whom to trust and not to trust. She says that there is a false friend around me who cannot be trusted, so I should be aware of her. There are several people like that on my college course so that makes sense. She tells me that I will not meet a man for several years; there is someone there for me, but he is in a bad relationship at the moment and will not break free from it until later. I thank her and leave, giving Sophie her turn before heading home. The lady predicts that Sophie will have a daughter.
Six months later, it is a Sunday afternoon. We are at my parents’, and the kids and I have been swimming. Sunday lunch is ready for us when we get to Mam’s. Lorna is usually here by now, and I don’t know what is keeping her. She arrives an hour later, white as a ghost and repeating constantly, “Shut up, shut up! I’ve just won seventy-five thousand pounds on a scratch card!” We all tell her not to be so stupid, but she shows us the card, and there are three seventy-five-thousand-pound figures there. Lorna has won the lottery!
I tell her if she is going to give me anything, all I want is a holiday. The children and I have never been abroad. She is shaking, and we decide to take it to the store that she bought it from to get advice on how to claim the money. After adding her name to the back of the card, the shop assistant tells us that she cannot claim that amount in the store and has to ring the number on the back of the card. She collects her cheque the next day, and a week later she books us a holiday. Lorna, the kids, and I are going to Ibiza!
Two weeks later, Lorna tells me that she has booked her new best friend Mary and our mutual friend Sara to come as well. Her reason for this was she thought that it would lighten the workload, and we could look after one child each. She also tells me that I have to find my own spending money. I tell her that’s all right; I will do that, and I’m simply happy to be going abroad for the first time. The holiday is booked for the following August, and I have to get a passport. I am able to put the children’s names on mine, and I start saving. I will have finished college by then, so the timing is great.
I have started going out and drinking on a weekly basis. I am doing a bit of mobile hairdressing at home and am able to earn fifteen pounds on top of my income support. This pays for the babysitter; my mother doesn’t want to be committed to having the children every fortnight, and she is not happy about my weekly arrangement. Gemma gave me the name of a babysitter named Emma. Emma is very mature for fifteen years of age, and Jonah gets on great with her. I usually go out with Sara, Lorna’s friend from work. They went on holidays every year together until Lorna
settled down. Gemma joins us about once a month.
Sara and I are both single, and we go out and meet up with Sara’s friends. It is nice not to be mam for one night of the week. My hairdressing course is stressful because I have a lot of coursework, along with the housework and seeing to the children. I do all my own decorating. I have to do this when the children are in bed, and I often stay up all night. Then I have to get the kids up and go to college. I don’t think my mother understands that I need time out.
I have not had time to date. After the disastrous one-night stand, I decided not to bother. A year has passed since that night, and I have to admit I am feeling lonely. I am not craving mad, passionate sex, but a hug and someone to talk to for an evening would be nice. Sara is very fussy when it comes to men. They have to wear the right clothes, have an earring, and have nice teeth. I am looking for someone who makes me laugh. He does not have to handsome, but I do have to fancy him a little. He needs to like children and be kind. I chat to men who are really nice and like children, but I don’t fancy them. I look around and see men who are nice looking but are out of my league. I chat to men who are funny. I decide I need all three qualities or nothing at all.
I have learned that the most precious thing in my life are classified as baggage by everyone else, including my friends and drinking partners. If I chat to man for more than five minutes, Sara or one of her friends feels the need to inform him that I have four children. They do add that I am a nice girl, but am I supposed to be grateful for that? I chat to Lorna about it and tell her that if I want to tell a man about my children, I will. Half the time I don’t even fancy the men, so why do they have to warn them? It’s embarrassing. I add that I am not ashamed of having children, but it’s none of their business. Lorna’s advice is to tell Sara; she probably doesn’t realise what she is doing. I can’t be bothered. We are going on holidays together, and I don’t want anything to spoil it.
I have completed my college course, and the children have finished school for the holidays. I have managed to kit out the kids with new clothes, and I’ve saved up enough spending money to go away. I read through their school reports. Jonah’s tells me that he tends to be a daydreamer, and he is very good at art. His grades are slightly above average, and he is meeting all his targets. He is well behaved and polite. I am happy with that.
Next I read Eligh’s. He is excellent at art and has won a competition with the local paper for the school this year. His grades are above average, and he is a popular member of the group. He is a polite, friendly child and is a pleasure to teach. Great news!
Frankie is very quiet in class, and he has to have extra one-to-one help with reading, writing, and mathematics. They have referred him for tests for dyslexia.
However, Frankie is a pleasure to teach and will be missed by his teacher next year. Frankie is very shy outside of the house. I tell him that he has done really well, and I explain about the tests and tell him it is nothing to worry about.
Polly’s report states her social life is getting in the way of her schoolwork. She is four! She is a bubbly member of the group who likes to organise her peers. The teacher tells me that her work is above average, and she enjoys painting; I have loads of her artwork in the kitchen to prove it. She adds in spite of this, Polly is a polite, friendly child and will be missed next year. I laugh, give Polly a big kiss, and tell her well done.
My bossy little girl tries to rule the roost in the house, but the boys shut their bedroom door in her face. Frankie is always torn; he likes her, but he wants to be one of the boys, and Polly loses out every time.
Eventually, it is the night before the holiday. I have three of them in the bath, and as usual Frankie has run off to hide; this is his ritual! I managed to undress him before he wriggled free. I look in the bedroom but can’t see him. Ten minutes later, there is a knock on the door, and I answer it. It is one of the neighbours who lives opposite me, she asks me if I can get my son out of the window. I step outside and look up. There’s Frankie, stood on the windowsill behind the curtain and thinking no one can see him! His hairy little bum is against the glass. I thank her for letting me know, go upstairs, and peer behind the curtain.
Frankie says, “Argh! How did you know where I was hiding?” I tell him that the whole street can see him! Jonah and Eligh are hysterical as Frankie’s jaw hits the floor. I bathe Frankie and put them all to bed. I tell them to settle down because tomorrow we are going on a plane!
We have a minibus to the airport. My parents come down to wave us off, and Knobhead’s parents walk up to see them. Knobhead’s stepdad pushes a twenty-pound note into their hands and tells them that ten pounds of it is from them, and ten is from their dad. He also tells, “The money is for you, no one else.” He means me, the cheeky twat.
Knobhead’s mother pipes up, “Don’t forget, kids. Your granddad, your dad, and I want a present off each of you.” The tight bitch – she has no chance.
Three months earlier, Knobhead came back from Planet Hollywood in Florida with his new girlfriend. He had photos taken with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis, and he showed the kids. As an afterthought, he gave them a Planet Hollywood snow dome for them to share. He has kept to his word and has not given a penny in maintenance since the divorce. As far as I am concerned, he can stick it up his arse!
As soon as we arrive at the resort and settle in, I take the kids to the local supermarket. I tell them we are getting the requested presents now so that they don’t have to worry about it later on. We decide on an ashtray for Nan and a box of fudge for Granddad. Oh, marvellous – a snow dome for Knobhead! We go to the till, and the shop owner tells us that it is three euros. I tell the kids that’s their present shopping done, and the rest of the money is for them. Jonah wants to spend all of his straight away, but I tell him to save some for another day. Eligh sees a wrist band he wants. Polly wants a cheap Spanish doll; it’s ten euros. Frankie spends one euro and tells me he’s saving his. He’s his mother’s son!
We get back to the apartment and head to the pool. I plaster the kids in sun cream. Sara, Lorna, and Mary are already out on sun loungers, trying to get a good tan. I watch the kids play in the pool, and the next thing I hear is Jonah saying, “Cor! Look at the bristol cities on Sara!” I look over, and she is topless. Eligh and Frankie are giggling. I tell her if she is going to go topless, the boys are going to look. Her bikini top goes back on. Within two hours, I am itching with prickly heat and spend the rest of the holiday in the shade. Lorna has decided that she and Mary will share a room with Jonah and Eligh, and Sara and I will go next door with Frankie and Polly.
The next morning, I wake up to a slapping sound and Sara telling her to go wake her mother up. I look into the next bedroom, and Polly is slapping her on the cheek, constantly calling her name. She is trying to wake her up so that she can get her breakfast.
Next door to our hotel is a bar with entertainment and a bouncy castle slide. Every night the children watch the castle slide inflating and can’t wait to go there. We go to the pool most days. We are there for two weeks. I am used to being careful with money and worry that I won’t have enough, because we are self-catering. The children ask for lollies, and I tell Jonah to come with me to the supermarket around the corner. Lorna snaps, “Just get them by the bar, for fuck’s sake!” Everyone hears her, and I am so embarrassed. She pushes a twenty-euro note into Jonah’s hand and tells him to get one for her. She asks, “Do you want anything?” I reply no and tell her to watch the kids if it’s not too much trouble, because I’m going into the pool. I am upset but will not show her. Sometimes she can be a nasty bitch.
Sara wants to go to Manumission on the weekend. It’s a nightclub on the island, and apparently a top DJ is playing there on Saturday night. Lorna and Mary have boyfriends and do not want to go. Lorna tells me that if I go with Sara on Saturday, then she and Mary will take the kids out all day and give me chance to get ready for the night. Lorna says
that it will give me a break. I agree to go and thank her for offering to have the kids. On Friday evening, Lorna tells me that she and Mary are going to the market on Saturday alone, because if they have to have the kids that night, they are having a break. I have already purchased my ticket, and Sara wants to go nightclubbing.
On Saturday morning, I get up and take the children to the beach. We buy buckets and spades, and they have a great time. Sara stays in the room to get some sleep for that night. Lorna and Mary have gone shopping. The children and I head back to the pool before returning to the room at around six o’clock. Lorna, Mary, and Sara are in the room, and it is full of smoke. Lorna and Mary have constantly chain-smoked since we arrived because the fags are so cheap. Lorna tells me that they are all going for food because they are having the kids tonight. I shower, change, and feed them all. It is ten o’clock before they get back. Sara is raring to go, so I have a bite to eat and get ready. We leave for the nightclub, but all I really want to do is go to bed! We head out to the bay and manage to catch the last water taxi to the island.
It takes us two hours to get to the there, and we arrive at Cafe Mamba first. It has emptied out, and the taxis and buses are packed. An hour later, we manage to get a taxi to the club. When we arrive, we are given a complimentary drink voucher to redeem at the bar. It is packed, and there are transvestites dancing on large boxes and people dressed in black crow costumes, walking around. Everyone has a bottle of water and a glow stick. The music is shit, and Sara is telling me to look over at the VIP area because she can see Denise Van Outen. I think, Whoopee! You can’t get anywhere near them anyway, or see the DJ. I get to the bar and ask for a cider, but they only have larger, which I hate. I get a bottle of water.
My True Colours Page 6