by G J Morgan
“What, like drinking and smoking?” he laughed, holding both vices in his hands.
“Falling in love four times. That’s pretty lucky in one lifetime.”
“Who said I loved all four? My first wife I loved but we were too young. The second was a hell of a lot of fun, she ended up with my best friend.”
“Sounds a good friend.”
“He was. Still is, we play a few holes at the Country Club every so often.”
“You are very forgiving.”
“I was never mad in the first place. He was welcome to her. I still miss her breasts though, they were something else. Anyway, he loved her more than I ever did, and when your relationship is built purely on lust then its days are numbered.”
“What about your third?”
“The third I downright loathed. We lasted less than four months. She was evil, didn’t take too well to being made single either. She was always little tapped, probably was the sex was so good, but after we split she tried to make my life hell.”
“Why did you marry her?”
“That I don’t know. She was a rebound, that lasted longer than it should. And I’m not great on my own, I figured it’s better to be with someone you couldn’t stand rather than being on my own.”
“And then you met Rose.”
“The beautiful Rose yes.”
“What are the gaps between them all?”
“First was 1959, second 69, the third 1970, then Rose in 81.”
“One in every decade.”
“Never realized that. It wasn’t intentional I can assure you.”
“No more divorces planned I take it. I mean technically you are due one seeing we are in another decade.”
“Not for me. I know when I’ve been dealt a good hand and Rose is as good as I’ll get.”
“You’ve been together longer than I’ve been alive.”
“Not long enough. We’ll celebrate our 30th anniversary next year.”
“How did you meet?”
“A funeral actually. One of my close pals I served with at Seal Beach. He lived in Sarasota, so I flew across state to pay my respects, turned out his cousin was a young lady called Rose who ended up flying back with me.”
“But then you ended up moving back?”
“She wanted to be back with her mother, be by her side through the dementia.”
“Why didn’t Cassie go with you? It always puzzled me why she stayed and you left.”
“I offered it to her but she was happy and settled in LA. She’d just started college so it wasn’t the best timing.”
“And you were OK leaving her on her own?”
“At her age, I was patrolling brown water on the other side of the world. Cassie was more than capable of fending for herself, in fact I knew it would be the making of her.”
“Must’ve been hard having to choose Rose over Cassie.”
“I didn’t choose anyone Tom.”
“I don’t think Cassie saw it that way. She always wished you’d moved back. She even thought having Molly would make it a more tempting offer. Think it upset her a lot when you didn’t.”
“If I could’ve come back I would. But Rose’s mother was pretty sick by then, she wouldn’t move away and I wouldn’t have left her. Dementia is a bitch and horrible to watch up close. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If I get it I’d rather someone throw me over board.”
“She died then I take it? Rose’s Mum?”
“Around April time. Hence why we were so late responded to your letters. Rose was pretty broken up by it, spent all our energy and time getting her back to a good place.”
“Feels like everyone is either dying or dead.”
“Circle of life friend. I’m sorry we left it so long to get back in touch with you.”
“That’s OK. I’m sorry too. I had a lot going on, though that is no excuse for my behaviour after Cassie died. The way I treated you and Rose wasn’t right.”
“Hey don’t beat yourself up. It was a difficult time for everyone.”
We took sips of our drinks.
“Do you regret not being more in Cassie’s life though. Staying with Rose rather than be there for your daughter.”
“I didn’t like it Tom. But sometimes you have to do things that don’t sit right for everyone else apart from you. Sometimes you have to make decisions and I made mine. I know Cassie wasn’t too happy with me about it, but she got over it. I take it Cassie must’ve talked to you about it?”
“Oh, many a time. Called you most names under the sun. Think she just thought you were selfish. Just wanted her dad back.”
“I figured that. Cassie didn’t talk to me for a good few years.” He took another puff, blew smoke rings, perfect circles. “If you are looking for love Tom then Thailand looks a good place to start, love would be easy to find.”
“I’ve got Molly and Mum. I need to concentrate on them right now.”
“Sounds defeatist to me.”
“No. Just realistic.”
“What about this girl I’ve heard about?”
“Girl?”
“The American?”
“How do you know about her? Let me guess… ”
“I’m sorry, it was my fault. I was being nosy the other night.”
“What did she tell you?”
“Not a lot, all I know is, whoever she was, she’s now left.”
“That’s the long and short of it.” Lou inhaled then exhaled, I did the same. Smoking does that, adds a natural pause, gives you time to think and digest. We looked out, couldn’t see waves, but we knew they were there.
“How old are you, Lou?” I said, peeling the label off my bottle.
“Me? I’m sixty-seven.”
“You had Cassie when you were in your forties?”
“If we had been younger we would have had more. Probably my one and only regret that Rose never got to be a mother more than once.”
“You look younger.”
“The Sunshine State does that to you. Takes the years off. The most stressful life gets is having to decide whether to broil my grouper or have it in a sandwich.”
“Sounds a nice way to live.”
“The offer is still open to join us. You are more than welcome.”
“I appreciate that, Lou. Think at the moment, wherever my Mum is, I have to be. Just the way it is I’m afraid.”
“There’s room for her, there’s room for all three of you.”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that. It’s too much. You and Rose should be resting and winding down, not taking us on.”
“It would be a walk in the park.”
“What, a jobless widower, a four-year-old, a woman battling cancer? That’s a hell of a trio.”
“Molly is blood, Tom. That makes you and your mom blood too. I’m not saying it will be easy, but the reward outweighs any hardship. We get to be grandparents, we get to watch her grow up. I’d take that over resting and winding down.”
“It is a tempting opportunity, Lou. But we’ll need some time at home after this, see what is happening with Mum.”
“There’s always a reason why not with you, Tom.”
I didn’t answer, best to bite my tongue.
“Why didn’t you ever put a ring on my daughter’s finger?”
I didn’t answer. Took my eyes to beer bottles and ashtrays.
“Married in secret did you, you old dog?” Punching my arm, a little too hard.
“So secret that Cassie didn’t even know.” I pulled my chain from under my shirt.
Lou leant in, holding the two rings in his palm.
“Not that these are the real thing. I just thought it was the right thing to do after what happened.”
“She would’ve loved them, Tom. Sincerely. That girl spent
her whole life wanting to be married.”
“Well, talking of big regrets, that was one of mine. Better late than never, though she deserved better than a gesture.”
“So now you’ve done it, why still wear them?”
“Because.” A bit taken aback. “I just do.”
Lou raised his eyebrow.
“You think I shouldn’t wear them?”
“You do what you need to do, friend.”
“What point are you trying to make, Lou?” The beer starting to talk for me.
“I’ve had a lot of friends who I’ve lost, my folks, Cassie. I could keep trinkets and war medals and letters but what does it prove? Who is it helping? Certainly wouldn’t be me.”
“You’ve kept nothing of Cassie’s?”
“Rose has kept a few things for me, that we brought back from LA. But they’ll stay in their boxes as far as I’m concerned. I’ve got all the memories I need up here.”
“It’s not about remembering, Lou. I don’t keep the rings around my neck to remember Cassie.”
“Then what is it? A statement? Justification for staying single forever? A warning for other women?”
“It means Cassie died a wife and not a girlfriend.”
“Cassie is dead. Anything those rings symbolize is for yourself, not her. To show you did the right thing.”
“What would you do?”
“You’ve got a big beautiful ocean out there, Tom. Say whatever you need to say to Cassie. Say some nice words, get everything off your chest, then you wind up like you’re pitching at Marlin’s Park.”
“It seems ritualistic.”
“But it means you can move on, Tom. Find someone new. Commit without feeling guilt.”
“I don’t feel guilt, Lou. Least, not all of the time.”
“Because if you truly loved this Lilly girl, you would’ve fought harder than what your mother told me. And you would’ve found out why she chose what she chose.”
“I did fight for Lilly.”
“How did you fight?”
“I rang her every day. I messaged her every day. I did that for over a month. Every day for a month.”
“Doesn’t sound enough to me, Tom.”
“What else could I have done? She never replied once.”
“You could have got up off your arse, Tom. Stopped being an armchair hero and gone and fought for her. If you loved her, you would have chased her, come hell or high water you would’ve fought for her. But you gave up. Why?”
“I couldn’t chase her. I wanted to. I had Mum and Molly. I couldn’t leave them.”
“They could’ve gone with you.”
“That wouldn’t have been fair on either of them.”
“How long are you going to use your Mum and Molly and Cassie as excuses, Tom?”
“I’m not. I’m just doing my best.”
“Best for everyone else. But not for yourself.”
“Lou. No disrespect but you hardly know me. You don’t understand what I’ve gone through or am going through. In the same way, I wouldn’t understand or try to understand the choices that you have made. You haven’t got the right to judge me like this.”
“I’m not judging you, Tom. I can assure you of that.”
“I’m accountable for my mother and daughter, Lou. They come first.”
“Did you love Lilly?”
“Course I did.”
“Do you love her now?”
“Yes. I think about her every day. No matter what I’m doing or where I am. I think about her every day. Drives me insane.”
“Then you should have fought harder, Tom.”
Lou took a gulp of beer, nearly the whole bottle.
“I’m just giving you my two cents. Think on it. Do what you need to do, otherwise those rings will get heavier and heavier around your neck. Will drag you down, son. And I don’t want that.”
I didn’t answer.
“But hey, it’s not a decision you need to make now. No one should try and solve matters in the middle of the night. Especially when liquor is involved.” He put his arm around me as we walked over to the bar. Whiskeys were lined up and talk turned to old tattoos and where to find new ones.
52
“I’m going to head back, Tom. There’s no way she’ll make it anywhere near midnight.” Molly was in Mum’s arms trying to keep her eyes open. “You want me to come?”
“No, don’t be silly. You enjoy the rest of it.”
“You sure? I’m pretty shattered myself. I wasn’t planning on getting another drink after this.”
“I’m sure. You stay. Have some fun without your mum and daughter around.”
“I don’t mind, Mum, honest.”
“Tom. Be reckless. Get drunk. Be young. Make noise. That’s an order.”
I kissed her head, and Molly’s too, watched them disappear into the crowd as I started to make my way towards the beach, through the waving arms and the painted bodies. I was the odd one out, everyone in groups and couples, family and friends, tonight was a shared experience. Not that I minded being on my own, in fact I preferred it that way, though companionship was easy to find here if you wanted it, friendship never too far away if you knew the right bar or street.
I took the last gulp of beer, thankful it was over. I wasn’t enjoying drinking, felt like I’d drunk enough recently and already I was planning a January detox. It had been a strange week actually, we’d all felt a little lost after we’d dropped Lou and Rose off at the airport a few days before, getting used to the original dynamic, being three again rather than a team of five.
I was sure they’d enjoyed their time with us, they kept telling us they did. I tried to make their weeks with us as exciting as possible, especially as it got closer to them leaving. Took them out on boat tours, they even got to ride elephants, tried to give them the full experience, so they went home with items on their bucket lists ticked off. I think they were ready to go home, after a month away from their own beds I could tell it was the right time for them, they’d done everything they’d set out to achieve. I suppose everyone needs home eventually, except us of course, me, Mum and Molly, the vagabond trio, taking our bundles town to town.
Though secretly we weren’t too far off either, what before had been a taboo subject, we were all now equally guilty of romanticizing – the colder shores of back home. And predictably we’d started having those chats, chats anyone who’s carried a rucksack long enough resorts to when all conversation has dried up and the only thing to fill the silence was what would be the first thing you’d do back home, what would you eat, where would you go.
But at the same time, as much as we talked about leaving, staying was talked about as a similar type of fantasy. God, the other night there was even talk of us never going back at all, talk of me finding a career here, working out how far my degree could get me, talk of required qualifications and certificates. We were at a confusing time, past the halfway stage, money was becoming tighter, the novelty of white sands and sunrises was wearing thin, determined to cling on, but reluctant to let go. People are funny, we want routine, but we like spontaneity, we want new experiences, but we like familiarity, we want purpose, but we enjoy frittering away our own time. Perhaps that was why paradise should always be a holiday, little bursts of foreign worlds, enough spontaneity and experience to wet the lips, but not enough to make you want to stay.
We were due to go home end of February, two months away. That’s when our lease would end, when our tenants would move out, and we moved back in. Thoughts of gravy, internet and baths would have to wait till then, unless we stayed of course, there was still enough time to change our minds. Least that was exciting, the not knowing, oceans and sand or ponds and mud.
Christmas was special though, having Lou and Rose here. Despite our location and climate, we did our best to recreate a li
ttle of back home. Rose was adamant we went to church, so Christmas Eve the five of us headed back South to Patong for mass. Not that any of us were religious, but it got us all in festive spirits, all the prayers and candles and the church itself. It was nice to see the other side, see it as a building filled with hope and redemption and cheer instead of tragedy and regret, which was how I’d always perceived churches having witnessed nothing in any that represented joy.
Managed to find a place that did a turkey dinner too on Christmas Day, not the best roast dinner we’d ever tasted, but worth the double fare to get across town. Opened some presents across the table, we only had a few each, not expensive or large, just small and heartfelt, presents that didn’t need receipts and weren’t written on lists.
What did I get? Mum got me a few hand-me-down books, classics I should have read but never had. Molly got me a string bracelet, chose it herself off a village stall, of course I put it on straight away and I’m still wearing it now.
Rose cried a lot, cried whilst Molly opened her presents, cried when Molly gave her a locket with her photo in it, cried when I gave Lou his leather cigar case. Fair to say Rose was in tears more than she wasn’t. Mum cried too which was unlike her, when she opened her present from me, a pocket diary for next year. Hardly sentimental, think it was more inside what set her off, the dates and plans I wished for us all. Trips to Barcelona in Spring, walks to Barnard Castle in Summer, Molly’s birthday, Christmas markets. I hoped she understood what it meant, not the gift, but the future it represented. I think she did, she hugged me hard enough. Promised me she’d do her best to live that long.
Even I nearly cried, I blamed Lou, he gave Molly one of Cassie’s old patch dolls, it wasn’t pristine but it was boxed and obviously well loved. Said it was only for the most beautiful and most precious of girls, told her it was Cassie’s favourite toy, pulled out a photo from his wallet just to prove it, Cassie and Molly looked near identical. Didn’t know why that set me off. Well, I did know, seeing Cassie as a child made me realize how young I lost her and what things she’d never get to see.
I did try to persuade Lou and Rose to stay a few days longer, tempted them with tales of full moon parties and firework shows, but Pier 60 back home was the only way they wanted to welcome in the new year.