by G J Morgan
“It’s nothing,” he jolted back, like it would do him harm if I came too close. “Why am I here? What happened between me and you?”
“I can’t tell you all of it. I wish I could,” I said, sitting down, as he did the same.
“Then tell me what you can.”
“It was for the best, believe me, I did it to protect you.”
“Protect me from what?”
“From having your life turned upside down.”
“Lilly, I could’ve handled myself.”
“You wouldn’t have handled this, trust me.”
“You were an unknown once, Lilly. You assume I couldn’t cope being thrust into your world, but I could. I was prepared to go that far.”
“I know that. But I wasn’t protecting you from fame, Tom.”
“Stop speaking in riddles and just tell me the truth. What were you protecting me from?”
“I know you want an explanation, but I can’t give you one.”
“Then this is just more games. Don’t screw me over again, Lilly. I barely survived the last time. Took me a long time to get my head clear of you, took me a long time to get back up. I loved you. I thought you felt the same.”
“I did. I do.”
“Then what changed?”
I went blank. It would have been so easy just to tell him, and even though I’d taken a big enough risk by both of us being here, I knew telling the truth was a step too far.
“What is it you want from this, Lilly? Friendship? My forgiveness? You don’t deserve either.” He stared right at me, he looked strangely triumphant, like this had been rehearsed in his head many times over, like it was a relief to finally say it to my face.
“I’m sorry for how things ended, Tom. I really am. I promise you it wasn’t what I wanted either.”
“You are making no sense. I remember the words you told me. They came from your mouth, Lilly, no one else’s. You ended it. And the way you ended it was brutal and unfair.”
“I didn’t have a choice.”
“From what I can see, you had a choice and you chose to walk away. You chose the easy option.”
“Easy? You think walking away from you was easy? It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and every day I have to try and tell myself it was the right thing. I know it doesn’t seem that way to you. But don’t think for one second that I don’t think about you. I miss you. I want you back, Tom.”
I looked at him. It was the first time his eyes had softened. He stepped closer.
“You’re with Max.”
“Not for long, I assure you.”
“A lot has changed since last year, Lilly”
“I’m sure it has. It’s been a long time. My God, how is your mom?”
“She is fine.”
“I thought about her all the time. Has she still got…?” I paused purposely.
“No, that’s all over and done with. She won’t get the all-clear for another five years, but looks like she’s beaten it.”
“And Molly? I sent her a birthday card.”
“Thank you. You didn’t have to be so generous.”
“Did she spend it on anything nice?”
“No, not yet, we’ve only been back in the country a little while.”
“Where have you been?”
“Thailand.” He looked apologetic, like he shouldn’t have been allowed.
“How cool. I’m jealous. How long were you out…?”
“Lilly, I’ve met someone else.”
“Oh.” I felt winded. Took me a few moments to find my breath, think of some words.
“I had to move on.”
“Of course.”
“You left me, Lilly. Left me in every which way possible. And I might have been able to cope with it if I had known the reasons behind it, but I never got a reason and I wasn’t able to cope with it.”
“What’s her name?”
“Does it matter?” Tom paused.
“I was just… ”
“Her name is Emma.”
“Is it serious?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love her?”
He took his time to answer, too long.
“Yes, I do.”
“More than you loved me?”
“What do you want me to say? That I loved you more? The fact is, she stayed and you didn’t. We have a life planned, a future. You never gave me that.”
“But what if I can now? What if I stay? What if I can promise us a future?”
“I don’t believe you, Lilly. I don’t trust what you will do next. I wish I did, but I just don’t.”
“And how can I change that? How can I make you trust me again?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged.
“Do you want to be with me again, Tom? Can you see a future? Me, you, your mom, Molly.”
“That is all I ever wanted, Lilly. That’s what I thought our future was. Then you went to New York and that all changed.”
“Then let’s do it. Let’s start over. Here. America. Anywhere, I don’t care.”
“Lilly, just because it’s all I ever wanted, it still doesn’t change things. I’m with Emma now.”
“But you love me more than her.”
“That isn’t enough right now.”
“If it isn’t, why are you here? Why did you show up tonight? To the premiere? Here? You know deep down that me and you had something.”
Tom didn’t answer.
“Tom, I’m flying back tomorrow.”
“Lilly, I can’t…”
“Please, Tom. We might never get this chance again.”
“Lilly. I’m…”
“I’ve thought long and hard about us and I thought I could get over you, but I couldn’t and it doesn’t sound like you got either me either.”
“Lilly, your life is a whirlwind. I don’t want it. I don’t want that life for me for or my family. We have had enough chaos.”
“I can’t help who I am and what I’ve become. You think I want chaos. I want the same things as you. You know I want out of this, I’ve told you how trapped I feel. I want you and your family and everything that comes with it.”
“I can’t just ditch her and the plans I’ve made based on promises that I know you won’t be able to keep. Promises you made me before.”
“I can’t tell you who you should be with. I can only tell you how I feel. I love you, Tom, more than her. I need you more than her.”
“I need to go. I need time to think this through. I wasn’t expecting this.”
“Come see me tomorrow. Please Tom, before I go.”
“Is that an ultimatum?”
“Meet me here again. Please Tom. I fly just after lunch, but I can find some time to sneak away. You message me what time and I’ll be here, promise. Meet me here, same place. Eleven.”
We both started to step away from each other, about to go our separate ways.
“Lilly.” Tom turned back to me. “Are you sure you want this? Me? Us?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“Nothing has ever been obvious with me and you, Lilly.”
And he smiled, a sad smile, like his heart was neither broken nor fixed, like he knew someone was going to get hurt, he just didn’t know who.
69
On the tube, I thought about Lilly. On the walk back to the hotel, I thought about Lilly. Even as I undressed myself, I thought about Lilly, stared at the bathroom mirror and tried to stop myself thinking about Lilly.
I wish I didn’t feel so excited. It should have been an easy decision, but it wasn’t. What she told me was everything I’d wanted to hear, what I’d always wanted. Lilly was a whirlwind and she was chaos and she was dangerous, and I should never want those kinds of flaws. But to me they weren’t flaws,
they were what I loved about her in the first place and more importantly what I used to love about myself. And you know what, I think my family love that too, both Mum and Molly have that same impulsive streak, where adventure and uncertainty was what kept the smiles on our faces.
Lilly assumed I wanted her to change, that I wanted her to calm down, to settle, to give up. I would never ask her to do that and she wouldn’t be the same person if she did. She was perfect and thought I did my best to hide it, to be mad and angry, the only thing I wanted to tell her was I loved her and that would never change. Lilly was strong and beautiful and talented, but she was fragile, she was complicated, she needed someone to look after her. That person would always be me.
I didn’t know how I would break it to Emma. It would be painful. It would be one of the worst things I’d ever had to do. Mum was right, America was the right thing to do, but Emma wasn’t. And it was better to be honest now, not let it get any worse, she didn’t deserve this, any of it. Emma was strong, beautiful and talented too and she needed someone, but that someone was never me, I think she probably knew that too.
I turned the lights off and went to check on Molly, see if she was OK.
Fast asleep on a single bed I found them both, curled up, nose to nose. Emma’s hand cradling Molly’s little head, the same way Cassie used to when Molly was sick or scared, the same way any mother would be with their child. Affection I never thought I’d see again, affection I had no right to rip apart.
70
That was a lie what I said to Tom. I said it wasn’t, but it was an ultimatum. If he didn’t meet me tomorrow, then I’d have to assume that would be the end. If Tom didn’t know by tomorrow, he would never know.
Back at the hotel I tried to get warm, got straight into bed, clothes and all, pulled the duvet over myself and tried to work out tonight, tried to remember what was said, try to decode his reactions, the way he looked at me, try to understand what he might do next.
Suddenly there was a knock at my door. You can tell a lot about a knock, this one told me whoever was behind it was coming in regardless of whether I chose to open the door or not.
“Hello, trouble.”
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Nice to see you too.”
For a few moments, I couldn’t speak.
“You are supposed to be in LA.”
“And you were supposed to be at an after-party. Seems we both got a little lost tonight.”
“Have you been following me?”
He didn’t answer, started to make himself comfortable, took off his suit jacket, unfastened his bow tie.
“Max, we made a deal.”
“And I have let you come to London, haven’t I?”
“It was supposed to be on my own.”
“We both knew what you were up to. And so far, you have proved me right,” he smiled as he made his way to the kitchen, poured himself a whiskey. “Did you seriously think I would let you come here on your own?”
“LA was a lie then? You have been here all along?”
“Not all along. I arrived this morning, thought I’d surprise you at the party but I was informed you had gone AWOL. Don’t worry, I’ve had my spies watch you whilst I was engaged. Seems you’ve been quite the busy bee around town haven’t you, Lilly G?” he threw an olive into his mouth. “Don’t look so worried. This has gone so much better than I’d predicted. So much more interesting than I ever would have envisaged.”
“And what was your prediction? Tom?”
“The lovely sweet and innocent Tom. I wonder if he’ll show tomorrow. Will it be her? Will it be you? It’s quite the finale, isn’t it?”
“How do you know… ?”
“Of course I know, darling. I have eyes everywhere, even at this late hour.”
“Who?”
“Who is of no concern.” Max sat himself down on the couch, crossed his legs, throwing more olives into his mouth.
“It’s Sally, isn’t it? She’s the mole?”
“Poor Lilly. You don’t trust anyone these days.”
“Vince then?”
Max clapped. “Quite the sleuth.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re not supposed to understand. All you need to know is, this has worked out perfectly. Now stop pacing and sit down.” He patted the seat next to him. “We need to talk about tomorrow.”
“I’m not fucking sitting down. Get out!” pointing to the door.
“Tomorrow I want you to meet Tom.”
“How do you know he will show?”
“Of course he will show. He’s as predictable as you, probably even more so.”
I sat down. “Max, what do you want?”
“I want you to meet with Tom tomorrow. I want you to have this happy ending. Do you think you could kiss him?”
“Why do you want that?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“No. This whole fucking thing is not obvious.”
“A story needs balance, Lilly, good and bad sides, but an audience needs to empathise with both, root for either, make them undecided.”
“And you think this is how you seek empathy? Making me into the enemy?”
“You catch on, finally.”
“I hate you.”
“I know. I’m good at this, aren’t I?”
“What if I leave now? What if I never see Tom again?”
“Do you still need to ask? His mother may have survived but my legal team have enough dirt on her son to make her wobble again.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Only one way to find out.”
He was smirking.
“What makes you think Tom would kiss me? He probably hates me.”
“Kiss or slap. Either wins for me. Just don’t make it obvious. I don’t want it to look too staged.”
“Will someone else be there? Some fucking camera lens?”
“Why of course. There has always been a camera.”
I walked over to the champagne bottle, found a glass.
“Has Vince always been in England? Was he here last year?”
“Vincent does as he is told. He has been equally intrigued by your relationship with Tom. He’s been waiting a long time to get a picture of you two again.”
“Again?”
He smiled, undid his tie, put his feet up.
“What do you get out of this, Max?”
“Not me, them out there,” he said, pointing out of the window. “Keep them on their toes. Keep it interesting.”
“I’m not a fucking movie, Max. I’m not some fucking Truman Show.”
He laughed. “Oh, but you are.”
“I thought you loved me?”
“I do. I still do.”
“Then why this?”
“Movies have become unnecessary, too expensive. Reality is more fun.”
“This is my life, Max. I’m not yours to own. I don’t care if you sell photos of me and Tom. I don’t care if you want to try and take Tom’s child from him. We will fight back and fight harder than you ever will.”
“There is no need for threats, Lilly. You can have your moment with Tom, but you will come back to me.”
“Fuck you.”
“Heroes, villains, villains, heroes. It will always change and revert, but eventually you will end up with me. That has always been the plan.”
“I hate you.”
“That, I have become used to. But I love you, Lilly, more than Tom. You are mine.”
“What if I don’t see Tom tomorrow? Your plan is screwed.”
“Screwed?” he laughed. “You have no idea, do you? You think I haven’t covered every eventuality?”
“I could just run away. From Tom, from you, from everyone.”
“I can
already see the headline. It would be quite the search and rescue, wouldn’t it?”
I started to cry, felt myself struggling to breathe.
“Hey, hey, don’t worry.” He put his arm around me. “This has a happy ending, don’t worry, but like most good stories it will just take a bit longer to get there.”
I’d run out of words. I had nothing left.
“I love you, Lilly.”
“This isn’t love. This is sport.”
“You may not think it, but I do. I know it’s hard to see right now, but trust me I will look after you, I will treat you better than anyone else ever could.” Max took my face gently, held it in both hands. “You will be safe with me. I only do these things to benefit us, what I do will make us timeless and I assure you we will both end up happy, I promise that.”
“Get out, Max.”
Max got up, stood by my side. “After all this blows over, maybe we will try for that family you always wanted, hey?” He kissed the top of my head. “Now get some sleep. Big day tomorrow. Tom finally gets his girl.” He smiled as closed the door behind him.
I knew he meant every goddamn word.
* * *
I met Sally downstairs, she offered me the remains of the coffee and grapefruit, I downed one and picked at the other. The waitress came over and as quickly as I asked, brought over a plate of eggs, yellow and steaming. I assumed Sally was mad at me, pretending to read world affairs when really this was just a deliberate show that she was angry with me. She was obviously pissed about the night before, my sudden disappearance, I was already working out my responses for when she finally decided to say her piece, which she most certainly would.
“I heard you weren’t feeling too great last night?” She peered over her newspaper, checking my face. “You look fine to me. A somewhat miraculous recovery, hey?”
“Sorry, I had to shoot off, had the most awful headache.”
“Headache? I heard it was your tummy.” She closed her paper. “Something you ate, apparently.”
“I don’t know what was wrong with me, my stomach was in knots, my head was even worse. I think I’m due on any day now.”
“It’s not that, I assure you, Lilly.”
“And how would you know my menstrual cycle?”
“Calm down, misery guts. I only know because yours is the same as mine, and mine was a few weeks ago.” She smiled, sipping her tea. “Means our erratic emotional states are synchronized.”