by Lisa Campell
He dug his finger in, finding her scalp so he would massage gently. When she moaned again, he knew that he was doing it right.
It was just as he had thought it would be.
“Edward. Oh, Edward.”
“Lin, you have no inkling how long I’ve waited for this, how desperately I have wanted this. Oh Lin, I lo—”
He returned to his senses then, stopping himself before he would say those words. Abruptly, he broke the kiss and pulled away from her.
She looked so disheveled, her red and swollen lips evidence of the loss of their minds.
What was I thinking?
As amazing as the kiss had been, one thing was certain, it had solved nothing. If anything, it had created more confusion.
And I had almost said I love her. I can’t be here. I can’t be around her.
He still wanted to kiss her, wanted to hear her cries as he pushed his way inside her, sheathing his rod in her tight warmth. If he didn’t leave that minute, he feared he might just end up doing so.
“Forgive me. I do not know what came over me. Please, forgive me. It shall never happen again.”
“Edward…”
He shook his head, stopping her. “This never happened. I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”
Not giving her the chance to speak, he ran out the library, tail between his legs.
He didn’t stop as he got out. He went all the way out of the manor, into a carriage and rode straight for the gentleman’s club.
There, he drank his heart’s fill and when he could scarcely get himself to walk, he got up and found his way to Madame’s.
Unfortunately, Rosalyn was out for business, but there was another favorite of his, Leah. She seemed happy to see him.
“Leah!” he chimed as he wrapped his arms around her, burping his drunken breath.
She giggled, embracing him just as tightly. “Ooh, look who we have here. You finally remember us, your grace. We thought you were gone for good now that you have a woman in your home.”
Edward shook his head. “Never. I’m back now, Leah. Take care of me tonight, will you?”
She giggled again. “Always. I do not think we can make it back to the manor with you this way. Never worry, I have a room specially prepared just for you. I’ll do all the work, all you have to do is lie back and enjoy.”
She winked at him and he knew his night was made.
He had drowned some of his sorrows in alcohol. He would drown the rest in Leah’s warmth.
Soon, they reached the room and she helped him get on the bed. She began to take off his clothes, talking all the while.
“Lin?” he called as a vision of her filled his eyes.
Leah giggled. “Lin, Leah. No difference.”
He shook his head. “No, Caroline.”
Again, she laughed, purring. “Call me whatever, your grace. I’ll be whatever you want me to be tonight. You just say the word.”
“Ah… yes. My Caroline. My Lin. I love you, I love you so much. I’m sorry I made you cry. I love you.”
Those were the last words Edward remembered chanting before his world went dark.
Chapter Eighteen
Edward awoke with a terrible headache the next morning. As he slowly came to, he sat up to take in his surroundings.
What is this strange place? What happened last night?
It seemed that his memories eluded him, and the harder he tried to remember, the more his head hurt. Deciding to let it be, he got up from the bed.
His trousers fell to his ankle as he stood, and as he bent to pick it up, he finally realized where he was.
A room in Madame’s.
It all came back to him then. The fight with Caroline. The kiss. Getting drunk at the gentleman’s club and finding his way to the brothel.
He remembered it all—up to the moment he entered the room with Leah. Instinctively, he reached for his member.
Had anything happened between them last night? Why couldn’t he recall if he had lain with her or not?
He looked around the room one more time. Leah was nowhere to be found. It was either she had left sometime in the night, or she hadn’t bothered to stay at all.
Wondering what time it was, he reached for his pocket watch. His eyes widened in horror as he saw that it was almost noon.
Quickly, he finished dressing and stepped out of the room. As he found his way into the large parlor, noise began to fill his ears.
Chatter, laughter. It appeared the rest of the world was already awake and going about their day. The thought of stepping out and having to face them all made him red with embarrassment.
Nonetheless, it could not be helped. The only way out was through the parlor. He supposed the mortification was a small price to pay for his foolish judgment the night before.
As he reached the end of the hallway, he took in a deep breath and stepped into the large room filled with ladies of the night.
They soon noticed his presence and a hush fell as eyes turned to him. The silence lasted for only a moment. Soft murmurs followed and before he knew it, they were starting to giggle.
He could do nothing but continue to walk, struggling to keep his head up. It was expected, after all. What respectable man left a brothel at eleven o’clock in the morning?
“Your grace, you’re finally awake!”
He stopped in his tracks as the familiar voice filled his ears. Forcing a bright smile on his face, he turned around to face her.
“Rosa!” he chimed, feeling his stomach quiver when he saw Leah by her side. “Leah… I was hoping to see you.”
“A pleasant morning to you, your grace,” Leah greeted, bowing her head slightly.
“Thank you. May we… talk?”
“You’re not about to confess your love again, mistaking her for Caroline, are you?” Rosa asked, eyes twinkling with mischief.
Edward suffered a moment of confusion as he wondered what it was she was speaking about. It quickly dawned.
Ah… yes. My Caroline. My Lin. I love you, I love you so much. I’m sorry I made you cry. I love you.
He winced as those words echoed in his mind. Had he really said that? He was due even more shame than he had reckoned.
As he recovered, he looked both women in the eye, one after the other.
“Not a word of it, ever again. Please.”
Rosa chuckled. “Well, I am prepared to keep quiet. As long as you give me a reason to.”
Edward rolled his eyes. “Fine. You shall have whatever it is you want. Leah, shall we speak in private?”
“If you’re wondering what happened last night, your grace, you may stop worrying. Nothing did. You were too drunk, you fell asleep. I tried to wake you up but you were as good as dead. So, I took my leave.”
“My trousers were undone…”
Leah broke into a sly grin as she lifted her shoulder in a flippant shrug. “I did tell you I tried to wake you up. Even that didn’t do the trick.”
For some reason, Edward felt relief. He had come to the brothel looking to lay with a woman, so why was he glad that hadn’t happened? Why did it feel as though he would have betrayed Caroline, otherwise?
“How much do I owe you?”
“Half the usual, but you’ll have to pay for the room as well.”
“Fair enough,” he said, nodding as he brought out two pouches of money.
He threw one at Rosa and the other at Leah.
“Speak nothing of last night to anyone.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal,” Lisa said.
He gave a curt nod and made to continue on his way then but Rosa stopped him once more. “I would say see you again, but I do not think you will be coming back. Your Caroline, I met with her. Quite the coincidence, if you ask me, but she is a gorgeous little thing.”
Edward’s noses flared. “A lady. She’s a lady.”
“Oops. My bad,” Rosa chuckled. “I wonder if she knows how you feel about her. If Whittaker knows… I hear she’s his betrothed. Now, that is s
omething I find interesting, do you not? Especially when one considers the fact that you live with the dear Miss Caroline.”
Edward’s cold glare could have frozen the seas. “I have no inkling what you speak of. In a moment of inebriation, I remembered the words to an old war song, is all. If there won’t be anything else, I would like to be on my way.”
With those words, he turned to leave, jaw set in rigid lines.
This time, Rosa did nothing to stop him.
As he stepped out of the brothel, a gust of wind hit him and he gulped in the breath of fresh air.
He had to return home. He had to see her again, face her.
He had apologized for his reckless behavior in the library, but he feared it wasn’t enough. He had acted foolishly, and still, he could not deny that he wanted more of her.
Only her.
No, he wouldn’t apologize again. The only thing he needed to do was stay away from her. It was the only way to ensure he didn’t lose his senses.
After all, she had clearly chosen Whittaker. She was no longer his.
He would do well to remember that.
He didn’t come home last night.
Caroline had told herself she wouldn’t worry, that she wouldn’t care. Yet she had been unable to do anything else.
She had barely gotten a wink of sleep. When he hadn’t joined them for dinner, Mr. Giraud had explained that he wasn’t home.
She hadn’t meant to, but she had stayed up, listening for when he would return. When it was past midnight, she realized that he was not coming home.
She had tried to get some sleep then, but it had deserted her. So, she had stayed awake a little longer, wondering where he was, what he was doing, if he was alright.
She must have fallen asleep sometime, as morning dawned on the horizon. It could be no more than two hours of sleep that she got. She had been awakened by Amelia at exactly eight o’clock for breakfast.
There, she had learned that he had yet to return.
As she paced the hallway now, she didn’t want to think it, but she could not resist the thought any longer.
He must have gone to the brothel. He must have lain with another woman.
It shouldn’t, but it hurt. It hurt so much.
How could he have done that after the passionate kiss they’d shared? A kiss that had made her body tremble all over, her lady parts throb…
A kiss that had made her want to damn it all and give herself to him, over and over again.
He had filled her with a thirst she feared she would never be able to quench. A hunger she could never satisfy. For even as her heart broke from the thought of what he could have done with another woman all night, she wanted him still.
Wanted him with all of her heart and soul.
Why did he kiss me?
It had been so sudden, so crazy. One moment, they had been shouting at each other and the next, he was kissing her senses away.
Her shock had only been momentary, and then all her woes had simply faded away as she gave in to the demands of his mouth.
She had the earl to worry about. Her father. Her family. What would become of them if she didn’t marry the dreadful Whittaker.
Yet there she was, waiting for Edward’s return. Wondering what she would do if she ever saw him again.
The universe must have been curious as well, for in that moment, three knocks sounded on the door.
Before she could call out to Mr. Giraud, he appeared by her side.
“I do hope that is him,” the butler said as he walked past her.
Caroline watched him go, wondering if it would not be embarrassing for Edward to enter and find her standing there, waiting for him.
He had apologized for the kiss and asked her to act as though it had never happened. Would it not be foolishness to be seen this way?
Deciding that it would be, she quickly walked away, headed for the drawing.
There, she waited by the door, listening as footfalls neared.
When she was certain that he was almost by the stairs, she stepped out then.
He stopped as he saw her and she too remained still.
For the longest moment, neither said anything to the other. They simply stood still, staring at each other.
She was taken back to the evening before once again. The library. The man who had been filled with jealousy over a mistaken thought that she had given her heart to another.
The same man who had told her in more ways than one that he would never commit to her. Yet, he seemed incapable of letting her go.
Whatever was she to do with him?
Just standing there, staring at him, a myriad of emotions threatened to overwhelm her.
Love. Anger. Desire. Jealousy. Sadness… and a host of others.
Her heart still thrummed softly for him and her stomach wouldn’t stop squirming.
As much as she wanted to stay mad at him, she wanted to cross the distance between them and throw herself into his arms.
He looked worse for the wear. His hair was utterly disheveled and he had barely managed to put on his clothing properly.
He was definitely with another woman.
So why did she still want him?
He was the first to break the moment. Clearing his throat, he looked away and began his ascent up the stairway. Not once did he bother to acknowledge her presence.
Caroline’s heart broke a little more.
As Mr. Giraud made to follow him, Edward refused, stopping him with his hands.
Unable to get herself to move, Caroline remained where she was. When she could no longer hear his footfalls, the butler turned to her.
“I’m certain he would have been better behaved if he was aware you had been waiting for him all morning.”
Caroline managed a small smile, hoping it would hide the shame she felt.
“It’s alright. I reckon he must be tired from a long night.”
“It’s the first time since his return to London that he has ever spent an entire night away from home. I suppose he had a long night indeed. If you would excuse me, Miss Caroline, I must ready his bath water.”
“Of course,” Caroline responded.
Mr. Giraud bowed his head slightly then, taking his leave as he straightened.
When she saw that she was all alone, she heaved a deep sigh and turned to go into the gardens.
Heavens know I need the fresh air.
There was plenty to think about. A decision to be made.
She had come to Edward’s home with hopes that she would be able to get him to realize his feelings for her. That they would be married at Season’s ends.
She knew that it was high time she stopped her silly daydreaming. Whatever his reasons were, Edward would never love her like she wanted to be loved by him.
He would never marry her. She had to accept that now if she truly wanted to live a happy life.
She also had to make her peace with becoming Whittaker’s wife.
Her father had lied to her even as he told the truth. Indeed, he owed debts, but those debts were owed to Whittaker.
Whittaker would not help him pay them off—she was the payment. She had been sold and the earl had happily bought her.
It hurt to think of it that way, but it was what it was.
It was foolhardy, naïve of her to have thought she had a choice in the matter.
For her family’s sake, she would have to marry Whittaker. She would protect her father’s name and save them all from the shame of ruin.
She was meant for a life of misery. Nonetheless, it was a sacrifice she would make.
Chapter Nineteen
Edward didn’t speak to Caroline in the days that followed. He ate his meals in his chamber or his study and did everything he could to make certain that their paths did not cross.
In the times when his efforts proved futile, he made a point to walk past her as though they were nothing but strangers.
Of course, all of these actions hurt him as much as he knew
they hurt her, perhaps even more. Nevertheless, he continued to do them until the evening of the Durham ball.