Definitely not one of my finer moments—
I’m yanked from my thoughts as Masie nears the car, shouting meaningless apologies at the top of her lungs.
“West, please get me away from the raving lunatic running right at your car,” I say in a desperate plea. “I don’t know what I’ll do if I talk to her, and honestly, I don’t want to deal with it right now.”
“Oh, yeah, right,” he says, like he forgot all about Masie, which would definitely be a first for a guy. He revs up the engine. “Let’s get you out of here.” He shifts gears and presses on the gas, the tires spinning and kicking up a cloud of dirt as we peel out of the parking lot.
I peer over my shoulder and out the window, Masie is surrounded by a cloud of dust, her hair messed up, and she’s missing one shoe.
Okay, now that’s a picture I thought I’d never see.
“You look way too pleased right now,” West teases as we speed down the road.
“Sorry.” But I’m really not.
“You don’t need to be sorry about it. Masie deserves a face full of dirt.” He sighs, gripping the steering wheel. “She deserves more for what she did to you.”
I pick at my fingernails, feeling squirmy over how much he seems to understand the situation. I hate feeling squirmy. I like control. Control keeps you from getting hurt. Control stops the pain. Right now, I’m not in control, and that’s probably why my heart aches so badly. That mask I wear, that wall that’s supposed to be around me, I want them back.
“How long have you known? I mean, about me … liking …” I exhale loudly. “How long have you known I liked Blaine?”
He lifts a shoulder. “I first thought you did when we were about sixteen.”
Blood roars in my eardrums. “How? I mean, what gave me away?”
He moves one hand off the steering wheel to reach over and graze his finger along the corner of my eye. “It was the way you looked at him.”
“Oh.” I frown. “I didn’t realize I was that obvious.”
“It wasn’t that obvious,” he assures. “At least, not enough for Blaine to catch on.”
I almost relax. “So, he doesn’t know?”
He shakes his head, returning his hand to the steering wheel. “He’s never said anything to me.”
I release a breath of relief. “That’s good.”
He cocks his brow. “Why?”
“Why the hell would I want him to know I’m in love with him?”
His fingers tense on the steering wheel. “So, you are in love with him, huh?”
Am I?
Maybe Before, but now…
I don’t even think I know what love is anymore.
Emotions. They are dead to me.
“I thought you already said you knew I was?” I ask, avoiding answering.
He shrugs. “I knew you liked him, and I guessed you might be in love with him, but I wasn’t completely sure.” He looks away, focusing on the road, his lean arms tense.
And while I’m not sure what has him so wound up, I seize the opportunity to stare out the window and collect my thoughts.
“Are you sure you are, though?” West asks so suddenly I jump.
I glance at him. “Am I sure what?”
“That you’re in love with him?”
“What kind of question is that?” I sound offended, and I don’t even know why. He didn’t do anything to me. None of this is his fault.
“I didn’t mean to piss you off.” He gives me an apologetic, sidelong glance. “But sometimes people think they’re in love with someone, when their feelings are more of an infatuation than actual love.”
“You say that like you’re speaking from experience.”
“Nah. It takes me a lot to fall in love with someone.”
“Have you ever been in love before?” I reach into my pocket to silence my phone as it buzzes again. My fingers brush across my car keys, reminding me of another problem I have to deal with—my car broken down in Masie’s driveway.
Shit.
His jaw clenches as he stares ahead at the road. “Maybe once or twice.”
“Did someone break your heart?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
I angle my head to the side in confusion. “That doesn’t really make any sense.”
“Of course it does.” He catches my gaze. “If I haven’t told the person I’m in love with them.”
My lips for an O. “Okay, I get it. So, we’re kind of in the same boat then, since I haven’t told Blaine how I feel either.”
“Maybe.” He restlessly taps his fingers on top of the steering wheel. “Do you think you will?”
I shake my head. “Definitely not now.”
“Do you think you would’ve if”—he hesitates—“if you hadn’t caught Masie and Blaine doing … well, you know?”
No, I don’t know what he means. Sure, I saw them kissing, but that doesn’t mean it was the first time they made out. For all I know, they’ve hooked up a ton and I’ve just been blind and naïve. Then, why did Masie keep insisting Blaine likes me and encouraging me to go for it? Who knows? Perhaps she was messing with my head and getting some sort of twisted pleasure out of watching my heart shatter. That doesn’t really sound like Masie, but at this point, I’m not sure I know her at all. Maybe I never did. Perhaps she was one of those plastic people—fake on the outside and the inside, just like how I am now.
What I do know is that I wouldn’t have told Blaine. Not when I’m certain he wouldn’t feel the same way. Not when it means I’d have to deal with heartbreak, with emotions and feelings and all that shit I work so hard to fight back.
“No, I wouldn’t’ve told him,” I say with a shrug.
He nods, silence stretching between.
“What is that in your hand?” he asks suddenly, his gaze dropping to my hand.
“What? This?” I hold up my car keys. “My car broke down at Masie’s.”
“That sucks.” He pauses, considering something. “Maybe I can help you fix it. You know I’m good at that stuff.”
“I know, but I don’t like freebies.”
“Maybe it could be a belated birthday present,” he suggests, glancing at me.
“You already gave me a present,” I remind him, looking down at the studded leather band I am currently wearing on my wrist.
We may fight like angry cats most of the time, but he always gives me the best gifts.
He glances down at the bracelet as well and a small smile pulls at his lips before he returns his attention to the road. “I don’t mind helping you out. It’s not a freebie or anything. It’s just one friend helping another.”
“We’re friends?” I ask, partially teasing, but partially serious.
He lifts a shoulder. “I think so. It kind of hurts that you don’t.”
I feel kind of bad in that moment, which is weird. Maybe that’s why I briefly lose my sanity and say, “All right, you can help me if you want.” I sit up straighter in the seat. “But I want to do most of the work.”
He chuckles. “Okay, cute girl.”
“Okay …” I trail off. Wait. Back the hell up. “Did you just call me cute?”
He smiles. “I’ve called you cute before.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, when you were teasing me which, FYI, you do all the time.”
“How do you know I’m teasing you when I do it?” He smiles, highly amused. “Maybe I mean everything I’ve ever said to you.”
“So, you really believe I’m a fairy princess from the realm of Spoiled Brat?” I repeat the nickname he gave me in fifth grade.
“Hey, that was a long time ago. You can’t hold that against me, or I’ll hold it against you that you called me West the pest who lives in a rat’s nest.” His muses over something. “You know, when I really think about it, we were pretty clever for grade schoolers.”
“I may have been clever,” I tease. “You were just cleverly stupid.”
Narrowing his eyes, he reaches over and lightly pinches me
on the thigh in a ticklish sort of way.
I nearly jump out of my seat. I hate being tickled, and West knows that. Yet, he repeats the movement.
“Take that back, Alexis with the pretty blue eyes.”
“Never!” My eyes water as he continues to tickle me, laughter bursting from my lips.
The sound is so unfamiliar.
So strange.
So wrong.
I choke down the noise and the feelings stirring inside me.
His fingers dig into my sides…
“Hey, no frowning.” He slants his head to the side, sending strands of blond hair into his eyes. His hand is still resting on my leg, only now, instead of tickling me, he’s tracing a light path up and down my thigh. “Come on; cheer up and smile.”
“I didn’t realize I was frowning—”
I’m thrown forward, my seatbelt locking up and throwing me right back against the seat.
When I blink at the front of the car, Masie is standing there with her hands out in front of her, eyes huge, breathing fiercely, her face bright red.
“What the hell is that crazy woman doing?” West mumbles as he shoves the shifter into park. Then he sticks his head out the window and yells, “Do you have a death wish or something?”
“Oh, shut the hell up!” she snaps at him before she skates her gaze back to mine. She swallows hard, her eyes watering. “Lex, please, just listen to me, okay?” She positions herself in front of the car, putting her hands on the hood and raising her voice over the grumbling engine. “I didn’t mean for it to happen … We were just swimming, and he kissed me.” She shakes her head. “But that’s no excuse. I’m your best friend, and I should’ve talked to you first before I did anything.”
For a brief moment, I feel kind of bad for her. She looks so tormented, so upset …
Wait … I rewind over what she just said.
“Are you saying you wanted to kiss Blaine?” I snap. “That you’ve thought about it before?”
More tears pool in her eyes, her bottom lip quivering as she fights not to cry. “I didn’t mean to fall for him. It just sort of happened.”
I’m not sure whether I’m heartbroken or pissed off. It’s been so long since I’ve felt anything. And now that I am, I can’t make sense of what the emotions are.
I want them off.
Turn them off!
Stop!
I ball my hands into fights and stab my fingernails into my flesh until I feel the skin break apart.
“For how long?” I ask in an eerily calm voice.
A crease forms at her brows. “What do you mean?”
“How long have you two been hooking up?” Yes, it’s an assumption, but I know Masie well. When she wants a guy, she doesn’t mess around; she just goes for it. So, if she’s saying she likes Blaine, then …
I swallow the lump crammed in my throat. Her silence says it all.
“So, it’s true, then?” My tone sounds so hollow as I shove every ounce of pain I have deep down inside me. “That wasn’t the first time you guys kissed?”
Tears spill from her eyes as she slowly shakes her head. “We’ve been seeing each other for a few months. I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I—”
“You wanted to tell me?” I shake my head. “Sure you did.”
“I did,” she insists. “I swear, I did.”
“Sure, whatever. That’s why you continued to encourage me to go for it with him. Why would you do that if you knew my heart was just going to get broken?”
She’s crying so hard now, snot running down her face. “I’m so sorry. I thought, if I kept pretending like nothing was happening between Blaine and me, you wouldn’t find out.” She sobs. “But things got so out of hand … And Blaine, he kept saying we should tell you so this wouldn’t happen. But I was so scared.”
I curl my hands into tighter fists. “You told Blaine I like him?”
Her bottom lip starts to quiver. “I’m sorry. It just sort of slipped out. He was flirting with me, and I said I couldn’t date him. He kept pushing me, asking why, and I let it slip.” She rushes toward the passenger side of the car and grips the door. “Please, don’t let this ruin our friendship. I know we can get past this.” Her gaze flicks to West then back to me. “Just come someplace with me. Someplace where we can talk. Just you and me. I know we can fix this. Please, please, please.” She’s babbling hysterically.
And I feel nothing.
The friendship we had is gone, withering away like the flowers on my parents’ graves.
I look at West. “Just go before I get out and kick her ass.”
Nodding, he reaches for the shifter while Masie lets out a heart-wrenching sob.
“Lex, no, no, no,” she babbles, trying to open my door. “We can’t just let this go. We need to fix this. You’re my best friend!”
I shake my head, lock the door, and start to roll up the window. “No, we’re not. In fact, I’m not sure we ever were.” The words cut against my lips, carrying so much truth.
I may have thought Masie and I were best friends, but that wasn’t real. Best friends don’t do what she did to me. And the friendship we once had will never be the same.
Not ever again.
And just like that, the one thing that hadn’t changed since my parents died now has.
It’s all gone.
The Before is gone.
And all that’s left is nothing.
I am nothing anymore.
5
Alexis
After West drives away, leaving Masie in another cloud of dust and a sea of self-pitying tears, I remain quiet for a long time. So long that I’m sure I start to freak him out. But I can’t find any words to follow what just went down. How can I when I’m not even certain how I feel?
Feelings. What I would give for them to go away. I’ve tried too hard to make that happen and have succeeded for months, but now everything is going to crap.
“Oh my God, feelings suck,” I mutter, pinching the brim of my nose.
West lets out a hollow laugh.
I shoot him a perplexed look, and he holds up a hand in front of him.
“Sorry,” he says. “It’s just that … I think that same thing all the time.”
“That feelings suck?”
“Yep.”
“Is that why you haven’t ever been in a real relationship? Or is that because of your parents?” Shaking my head, I look away. What am I doing? Prying into his life like this, getting to know him? “You know what? Forget I said that. It’s none of my business.”
“No, it’s fine … And the answer is neither.”
I flit a glance in his direction. “Really?”
He nods, biting back a smile. “Yes, really.”
“Why do you seem so smiley about that?”
He lifts a shoulder. “You should know by now that I’m a smiley sort of guy.”
I snort a laugh but hastily bite down on my tongue to stifle the noise. “Sure, you are.”
He presses his hand to his chest. “How you wound me so?”
I roll my eyes. “Easy, wannabe Shakespeare.”
“You know, normal girls like that romantic shit.”
“Well, I’m not a normal girl.”
“No, you’re not.”
The way he says it confuses me. But not as much as the way he’s looking at me.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask.
“Like what?” He keeps looking at me in the same way.
I eye him over. “I don’t know … like you’re a sugar junkie, and I’m a candy bar.”
He sinks his teeth into his lip and turns away, staring at the road and gripping the wheel so tightly that his knuckles turn white. “You have no idea,” he mutters. “No damn idea.”
“Okay, what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Instead of answering, he shrugs, keeping his focus on the road, acting weird, even for him.
I eyeball him over, wondering what the hell he’s thinking ri
ght now. And not knowing makes me feel squirmy and uneasy.
“Okay, now why are you looking at me like that?” he asks, releasing his lip from his teeth.
“I’m not looking at you in any way.” I yank my attention off him then change the subject. “So, where are we going?”
It takes him a moment to say anything, his gaze boring a hole into the side of my head. I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my scarred skin.
“I’ll let you off the hook for now. Next time you look at me like that though, I’m going to get the truth out of you.” His tone turns devious. “No matter what it takes.”
“Oh no, not the no matter what it takes threat,” I mock with an eye roll.
A small smile touches West’s lips as he drives down the road, but then he frowns. “We’re going to Masie’s,” he says as he glances at his phone.
“What!” My attention snaps to him. “No. Don’t take me back there. I’m worried if I see her again, I’ll kick her ass. And I can’t get arrested again.”
“Again, huh?” He glances at me. “What’s your number up to now?”
“I don’t know … like, five, maybe.”
“You’re lucky your sister has a cop for a friend.”
“Yeah, probably.”
He grins, and the corners of my lips quirk up into an almost smile, yet I don’t quite make it there.
He sighs. “Look, I think we need to go to Masie’s so we can look at your car and see if we need to pick up any parts.”
I guess he’s right, but still …
“Do we have to do that tonight?” I ask. “I’d kind of like a break from her, at least for the rest of the night.”
“Okay … But eventually you’re going to have to get it over with.”
“I know but … can we, like, do it tomorrow?”
He hesitates. “Sure.”
He seems so squirrely suddenly …
“What aren’t you telling me?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he says with a shrug.
“West, just tell me. You’ve always been honest with me, even when the truth hurts.”
“That’s not completely true. Remember that one time when I saw your cat get ran over and I didn’t tell you for a week because I knew you’d get upset?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” I drum my fingers on top of my knee. “I actually thought that was kind of nice of you, though.” Back when I actually thought I deserved nice.
Accepting the Deal (Honeyton Alexis) (Signed with a Kiss Series Book 1) Page 4