by Sally John
“I’d love to take Pugs, but pets are not allowed in the building.” She gave Pugsy one final kiss and set him on the sidewalk. “Be good. Okay. I’d better go.”
“Thanks for coming, honey.”
“It was fun. And I can’t believe all the stuff they gave me. I had no clue a baby would need so much.”
Susan put her arms around her. “Drive safely.”
“Okay. Thanks, Mom.” She walked around the vintage VW van, its size perfect for hauling band equipment and now baby things.
She climbed into the vehicle, started it, slid the floor gearshift into first, and put her hand on the parking brake release.
June Cleaver hadn’t shown up. Not once in four hours.
Nor had there been a single question or remark or even thinly disguised hint about a wedding, where the apartment was, the address of the coffee shop she worked in, when her mom could meet Aidan, or what her dad needed from her. And although Susan had given Kenzie her cell phone number, she hadn’t asked for Kenzie’s. She hadn’t even pressed for a time when she would see her again. To top all that, none of the Marthas breathed a snide remark about there not being a wedding shower first. They all seemed genuinely concerned that she get what she needed to welcome a baby into the world. Period.
Kenzie shifted into neutral, leaned across the front passenger seat, and rolled down the window. “Mom.”
She stepped to the car. “What?”
“I programmed my phone number into your cell.”
Susan smiled.
“It’s number two.”
“Like speed dial?”
“Asked the technologically challenged mother.”
She chuckled.
“That’s what it is. Just press ‘two’ and ‘send’ and it’ll call me.”
“Thanks,” she whispered.
She gazed at her mother’s face half hidden in shadows. An ache tightened her chest and spread to her throat. She wanted more…more of something she couldn’t put into words. Something between her and her mom. She wanted to express her love. She wanted to tell her she would bring Aidan, that she truly wanted Susan to meet him. What kept holding her back?
“Kenzie, it’s almost eleven. Aidan will wonder what happened to you. He probably can’t imagine you’d hang out with a bunch of old women this long.” She smiled again.
Kenzie hesitated. She didn’t want to leave. This new Susan Starr might disappear the minute she turned her back. This real woman who spoke freely and didn’t resemble any fake TV mom in history might vanish like a puff of smoke.
She had to ask. “So how come June didn’t come tonight?”
“June? Oh, June Cleaver.” Susan chuckled. “No, she didn’t come. I didn’t invite her. Actually, I told her she wasn’t welcome.”
Kenzie swallowed and whispered, “I didn’t miss her.”
“Me neither. I love you, honey.”
If she could have found her voice, she would have returned the sentiment.
“But, Kenz.” Aidan let go of one of her hands and stroked her face. “Can you trust her?”
Kenzie rested the side of her face against the back of the couch and yawned. She had just finished telling Aidan all about her evening, from the conversation with Zeke to the Marthas to the gifts and food, ending with her mom’s extraordinary behavior. “I know. It was only for one evening.”
“And her friends were around, and your aunt and my mom.” He kissed her forehead.
“Even after they left though, she was great.”
“You are desperate for a mommy.”
She smiled. Why did she want anything beyond what she already had? She told Aidan everything and he remembered it all and talked with her and helped her think things through. She didn’t remember her dad ever talking in such a personal way to either her or her mom.
“Well,” she said, “I do want her to meet you.”
He shuddered, shaking arms, legs, and head in exaggerated movements.
“Stop that.” She pushed his arm playfully.
He jerked again. “Stop what?”
“That. She is not a monster.”
“She’s had the same effect as a monster on you.”
“But not tonight.”
“Granted. Not tonight. You’re not exactly a basket case after this visit.” He touched her face.
“Not exactly? Not even a little bit!”
“There is something.”
She lowered her eyes. His ability to connect unnerved her at times. “It’s what you said. Can I trust her? Was she just pretending tonight?” She looked up. “I don’t think she was.”
He nodded. “God does change people when they’re willing to let Him. It sounds like your mom is willing.”
“She must be because if she doesn’t change, she’d just follow my dad’s rules and end up never seeing the baby.”
“Right. It’s all because of the baby. That’s what got her attention.”
Kenzie laid a hand on her tummy. Was it the baby that got Aidan’s attention too? Would he have committed himself to her otherwise? Could she really trust him?
Once again a familiar darkness eddied around her like a whirlpool, threatening to swamp any trace of well-being.
Thirty-Seven
Saturday morning Susan rinsed the carafe under the running faucet. It clanked against the porcelain sink.
“Doggone it!”
She inspected it carefully, grateful not to see a crack, and set it on the countertop. After turning off the water, she clasped her hands together, squeezing so they wouldn’t flutter about and knock something over.
“What I mean is, Lord! Help! I’m losing it. Calm me down. Please, please calm me down.” A song sprang to mind and she sang aloud. “‘Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms. Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.’”
Drake was on his way to the beach house. Cause for alarm? Or for hope?
“Hope. I choose hope. I do. Hope is from You. Fear is not. The straitjacket is not.”
“Susan.”
She turned and saw Drake on the other side of the screen door.
He grinned and stepped inside. “Are you talking to yourself?”
“Me, myself, and I.” She shrugged. “And God.”
Drake walked across the room, his arms held wide. “Sounds like good company.”
The memory flashed through her mind of Thursday night’s dinner. Her sharp words to him replayed. Yes, I got pregnant out of wedlock. But you know what, Drake? You were there when it happened. She thought of the voice mail she’d left for him, informing him of the baby shower.
His only response to both communications had been to call her that morning. He’d asked, somewhat tersely, if she was available that afternoon. He would come to the beach, after an early lunch meeting. They could talk.
At least it was a start.
She stepped into the circle of his arms.
“I miss you, Susan.”
She slid her arms around him and laid her face against his chest, cutting off her response. The truth was, she didn’t miss him. In some bizarre twist, life had been simpler at the beach house. Alone. In particular, alone without him.
What on earth were they going to talk about?
They turned the armchairs to face the large front picture window and watched people pass along the boardwalk just the other side of the patio and picket fence. Surfers disappeared in the glare of the afternoon sun bouncing off the ocean.
Weather talk and freeway conditions used up the time it took to shove the chairs around and settle into them.
“Your hair does look nice in that style.”
What was going on? He actually arrived and on time and now he complimented her.
“You don’t believe me.”
“Today’s April first. I thought you might say April fool!”
He chuckled. “No. I mean it.”
“Thanks.” She combed her fingers through it, up the back, making sure it didn’t droop. Making sure the
attitude didn’t droop. “It’s easy to take care of.”
“Tess said she liked it.”
“You talked to Tess?” The director usually didn’t work on Saturdays.
“She stopped by the office this morning.” He leaned forward, propped his elbows on his knees, and laced his fingers together.
Susan sank against the back cushion and crossed her legs. He and Tess discussed her hair?
“We can probably thank Tess for getting me here. She told me she came to the shower. That she knows. That she understands. And loves us both to pieces. She even cried a little.”
Susan folded her arms. “What did she say about Kenzie?”
“That she…seemed…okay.” He searched for words.
What else had Tess said? Okay did not scratch the surface. Did she describe Kenzie’s glow? The fear in her eyes? The obvious camaraderie she enjoyed with Pepper? The laughter that filled the little beach house while she was there?
Drake continued. “She believes that our daughter’s missteps are not a reflection on our character. It helped me see that you were right. We should share this burden with friends, those closest to us. Then, as word gets around, perhaps I can say something from the pulpit. Something along the lines of a difficult time, but our faith will see us through. She thinks, though, that I should head things off at the pass. Address the issue before it becomes gossip. Susan, you look distraught. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.” That wasn’t true. She knew. When would she ever quit this pretending with him?
She kneaded her forehead and thought of Kenzie, pregnant, scared, lonely, and in need, despite the love the Carluccis poured on her. They weren’t her family. Susan and Drake were wrong to turn their back on her.
Something stirred inside of her. A long-asleep Mama Bear growled awake. She lumbered about Susan’s mind, knocking aside all fears that prevented her from protecting her child.
She lowered her hand. “I have to take that back. Yes, I do know what’s wrong. The thing is, I’m angry. Really angry. With you.”
A surprised moment passed between them. In all the years they’d known each other, she had never even hinted at such a thing. Submissive women did not feel mad. Ticked off maybe, irritated. Annoyed. Peeved. But not this. Not this white-hot rage.
“Anger is an emotion, Susan, neither right nor wrong. It just is. Can you explain the reason why you feel it?”
How to start?
“It’s all right.” He smiled crookedly. “I promise I won’t blow a gasket. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Okay, she had his permission. “I’m thinking it’s wrong for a submissive wife to feel this way. I’ve always thought my duty is to keep your world a peaceful harbor, to keep storms away.”
“Do I teach that?” He shook his head. “I would never intentionally suggest such a thing.”
“I am the keeper of the home environment.”
“Well, I have said that, yes. But…Oh, Susan. Storms come. We can’t avoid them.”
She swallowed. He could be incredibly thoughtful and understanding. It was no wonder people flocked to him for counsel. She was being silly. Overreacting. Life wasn’t that bad. He was only doing the best he could.
She realized her arms were crossed over her middle, so tightly the elbows nearly touched. It was like being wrapped in a straitjacket.
Was Drake forcing her back into it?
Or did she step into it herself?
He couldn’t force her to do something she didn’t want to do. Even if her choices were made unconsciously, she alone was responsible for them.
She untwined her arms and inhaled so deeply her throat made a gasping noise. “Well.” She exhaled loudly.
Time to fly.
“Well,” she said again. “We’re in a storm right now. I bet you knew that.”
He smiled in a self-deprecating way.
“And I think I’m angry because you and Tess had a heartfelt conversation about our daughter.” Her voice wavered.
“What?” Total surprise. “That’s just Tess. You know we have that sort of relationship. She’s more a righthand man than Vince is.” He referred to his very capable associate pastor. “It’s a spiritual but business connection. She’s happily married.”
“I’ve asked you to tell people about Kenzie. Why is it Tess’ opinion counts more than mine? You even like my hair now that she okayed it.”
“That’s not true, Susan.”
“I’ve cried for three months. You’ve never referred to my tears as sweetly as you just did to Tess’. How could you? No one knows there’s a reason for me to cry. And another thing. It’s Kenzie we should cry for, not ourselves because this makes us look imperfect.” Her shoulders sagged, but she did not cross her arms.
“Is there anything else?” He spoke in a hushed tone.
Before she could say a word, tears gushed from her eyes and she sobbed. “You blame me for sleeping with you before we got married.”
“No, Susan.”
“You blame me for getting pregnant. For tarnishing your image.”
“No.”
“Yes!”
“No.”
“It’s subtle, Drake.” She wiped at her damp cheeks. The accusations tumbled off her tongue. Frighteningly, as if they had a life of their own, they kept coming. “When was the last time you took my opinion seriously? Or thought one of my ideas worthy of your consideration? How could you? They come from someone you consider unworthy.”
She didn’t see him move, but now he was beside her, gently pulling her from the chair. His arm at her waist, he helped her to the couch. They sat side by side and he drew her into his arms.
Rage and pain tore through her, a physical sensation beyond release through crying. She felt as though she were falling into a gaping black hole, rushing headlong into oblivion.
Thirty-Eight
Without any effort on her own part, Natalie glided into speechlessness again. What was it about Susan and Drake?
“So.” Susan set down the coffee mug on Natalie’s kitchen table and lifted her hands, palms up. “What do you think?”
Natalie could only stare at her sister-in-law. Her new hairstyle still looked great, but then how could one mess up hair scarcely two inches in length? She wore the other long skirt and matching blouse they’d purchased in the hippie store. It was a rose color; silver threads were woven throughout it. Her toenails, peeking from dainty pastel green sandals, were painted in the same shade.
But her nose matched the pink color. Red rimmed her eyes, and the lids were puffy. Thirty minutes ago she had called from the freeway, crying as much as laughing, and said she wanted to stop on her way home. They had talked earlier in the morning—Natalie had been eager to hear what Kenzie thought of the previous night’s shower—and Susan informed her Drake was going to visit. Now she wanted to tell her in person what happened.
The fact that she and Pugsy were on their way home in time for Palm Sunday service tomorrow indicated one thing had occurred: Drake got his way.
“Natalie, we are making progress. Today was a giant step forward.”
She nodded. After hearing that Susan and Drake had discussed Kenzie’s situation and the miscarried baby of twenty-three years ago and that Susan had spoken her mind and cried her eyes out, Natalie agreed. Progress, yes. Incomparable progress. But…
“Oh, Natalie, I’m flying. I told him exactly how I feel and he accepted it. He apologized for treating me all these years like I didn’t count. He asked my forgiveness.”
“And now you’re going home.”
“Yes.” She beamed. “We’ll go back to the beach house after Easter. Together. We’ll rest and talk more.”
“A compromise.”
“I suppose. Marriage needs an awful lot of that. So this means the house is available. Maybe you and the kids can use it. Don’t they have a few days off this week?”
“Kenzie’s still out there.”
“I think she and Aidan are fine in their apa
rtment.”
“I mean, Kenzie’s still out there. Not welcome at home.”
Susan paused. “That’s true, for now. But I left her a voice mail about my plans. And I told Drake I will not quit communicating with her.”
Thank God for small favors.
“Kenzie is first and foremost on my mind, but like you said, this is about me and Drake. Natalie, we have to figure out us before we can be any good to her.”
“You’ll stay strong?”
Her brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
Natalie recalled last night’s talk with Mildred. The old Prayer Warrior felt the same as she did and carried the opinion so far as to throw in the crazy notion of a boycott. Which meant Natalie wasn’t completely out of touch with reality. Actually, the fact that Mildred agreed with her probably meant she was nearer true reality than ever before.
“Suze, I don’t mean to rain on your parade. It’s wonderful progress. But promise me you will stay strong. I mean no more straitjacket.”
She grinned again and stuck a thumb in the air. “Absolutely no more straitjacket. I’ve been singing at the top of my lungs all the way here. I can’t wait to sing with the choir tomorrow.”
“The choir?” Natalie couldn’t remember the last time Susan had participated. She didn’t even think she sang from her seat in the pew.
“The director may throw a hissy fit. I don’t blame her, considering I haven’t practiced with them for years and she is such a stickler for attendance. This may be one time when I’ll just have to pull rank. The pastor’s wife is entitled to breaking a rule now and then.” She laughed.
Natalie joined in. “Wow. I never would have imagined the Holy Spirit created monsters.”
“I’m not a monster.” She stuck her thumbs under her arms and flapped her elbows. “Just one joyful bird.”