by Sally John
His face reddened. “The prodigal needs to—”
“You’re forcing me to choose between you and Kenzie.”
“There’s no choice involved. Susan, we’ve discussed this.”
“We have. Ad nauseam. And all that matters is I want to be free to have a relationship with Kenzie. If you feel you have the right to deny that, I think…” She inhaled a shaky breath and trembled.
“I don’t have that right. But you know how I feel.”
“I think then that…that I have to get away. Again. For a while.” Her voice trailed to a whisper. “The beach house is still available.”
“Susan, if you go there again, don’t bother to come back. That goes for your Martha Maven friends as well, after their blatant show of disrespect this morning. And Kenzie.” He paused. “Grow up.” With that he went to the staircase and climbed out of sight.
Kenzie stood beside her mom. Neither of them spoke or moved. It was as if time suspended itself. Or that oxygen had been sucked right out of the place. A sense of déjà vu struck her. She had cruised this route before, more than a few times.
Why had she even bothered? It was always going to be her against them.
“Kenzie, honey, I am so sorry you witnessed that.” Susan blew out a noisy breath and walked to the coat closet.
Kenzie watched her put on a jacket and lift a tote bag and Pugsy’s leash from the hall tree. Then she picked up a small handbag from the table and took keys from it. They slipped from her hands and crashed to the floor.
This was not in the script. Susan was supposed to offer some lame excuse for him and then trot on up the steps after him.
“Mom, what are you doing?”
“Going to my new home away from home.” She retrieved the keys and stood. “Maybe the third time will be a charm. Come here, Pugs.”
“But he just said—”
“I can’t stay here. It will only continue.”
“What will continue?”
Susan knelt to hook the leash onto Pugsy’s collar. “This preposterous version of submission—Oh!” The leash clanked against the floor.
Kenzie went down on a knee and looked in her face. Tears glistened on her mother’s cheeks. “Mom!”
“I’m all right. Can you hook this—No, I am not all right. Natalie would tell me to admit it. Okay, I admit it. I need help. I can’t stay here and I am in no condition to drive.”
Her own hands shaking now, Kenzie fastened the leash.
“And I can’t bother Natalie again. I’ll call a cab—”
“We can give you a ride.”
Susan stood with her. “‘We?’”
“Aidan’s waiting.”
“Like before.”
“My knight.”
“Oh, honey, I want to meet him. Later. Thank you for offering to help, but I can’t drag you two into the middle of this. It’s between your dad and me.”
She wanted to plop down onto the tile floor and bawl her eyes out in her mother’s arms. Kenzie, grow up. Her dad’s harsh words replayed, startling her like a splash of cold water. She was responsible for this mess. It was time to stop passing the ball and dribble it herself.
“Mom, you wouldn’t be in this situation if it weren’t for me. We will give you a ride.”
Susan stopped rummaging in her purse and stared.
“Do you need to bring anything else?”
Her mother hiccupped and swiped her fingers under her eyes. “Hair goop and facial creams are still in this tote. What else is there?” Her smile wobbled. “I’ve learned how to travel light. My daughter taught me that.”
“Okay, then. Let’s go. I’ve got Pugs.” She opened the front door. “You want to leave Dad a note?”
“I don’t think so. He’s got my number.”
Kenzie’s energizing rush of responsibility fizzled halfway to the street. By the time they reached the van, she felt like a zombie. She pulled open the back door. The overhead light went on and she caught Aidan’s questioning stare. She gave him one in return. She had no clue what was going on.
Before Kenzie could climb in, her mother did. There were no backseats in the van; they’d been removed in order to make space for the band’s equipment. She watched now, nearly stupefied, as her fragile, prim and proper mother contorted herself around and between large amplifiers. At least she wore slacks and not her usual skirt. She sat on the floor, a silly grin on her face, and thrust her hand between the front seats.
“Hi, Aidan. I’m Susan, your semi-mother-in-law.”
He smiled and shook her hand. “You’ve been talking to my mom.”
“Yes, I have.”
Instant rapport? Her mother was definitely not following the script tonight.
Kenzie said, “Let me sit here. There’s no seatbelt.”
“I’m fine.”
“Mrs. Starr, I’ll sit back there. Kenzie can drive—”
“Call me Susan, please, and neither Kenzie nor I are in any shape to drive. Believe me.”
Aidan’s glance to Kenzie registered alarm. She slid the door shut; he reached across and opened the front passenger door. Pugsy in hand, she hoisted herself up to the seat. The dog stood stiffly on her lap, eyeing Aidan warily.
“Pugs, this is Aidan. I told you about him years ago.”
“Hey, dog.” Aidan scratched Pugsy’s ears, but looked at Kenzie. “You okay, Kenz?”
Shudders pulsated through her. She was so not okay. Her father had more or less just told her she meant less to him than dirt. Her mother had just told him off—in a nice way, but she had never before approached such a feat—and left. Left him. Her husband of twenty-some years. The solid-rock pastor, expert on marriage and parenthood.
What should she have done? Hadn’t she prayed? Hadn’t she admitted wrong? Hadn’t she asked him for forgiveness? What else was she supposed to do?
“Sweetheart.” Susan touched her shoulder and took Pugsy off her lap. “This is not your fault. Do you hear me?”
Kenzie’s teeth chattered. Aidan draped his fleece jacket around her and tucked it behind her shoulders.
Her mom was still talking. “It is not your fault. You are responsible for only one thing, and it’s a good thing. You’re helping me and your dad face some issues we should have addressed long ago. Before you were born. I am sorry you saw us argue, but thank you for coming. Thank you for your courage. God is using you, hon. He most surely is.”
And then Kenzie began to cry.
Forty-Five
The next day Susan recounted the Palm Sunday nightmare to her sister-in-law as they sat on the seawall. Chilled to the bone since she stood at the podium yesterday with Drake, Susan had headed to the sunshine. Outdoors was warmer than inside the beach house or on the shadowed patio. Late-morning sunlight warmed their backs, danced on the ocean, and dispelled the horror to some degree.
She said, “Then Aidan walked me to the door here. I told him if he ever hurt Kenzie I’d punch his lights out.”
Natalie’s slack jaw finally returned to its normal position. “You’re kidding.”
“I was not myself last night.”
“You’re not kidding.”
“My new motto is: Talk straight. Aidan didn’t laugh. He got the message. He will be in big trouble if he doesn’t take extremely good care of my daughter.”
For a few moments they didn’t speak. Susan imagined Natalie was trying to digest it all, a state she hadn’t yet reached herself. Not Aidan so much as everything else. Aidan was the bright spot.
“Suze, do you like him?”
“Yes. Very much. He was incredibly tender with her. They’re just a couple of young people trying to find their way in this messy world. I don’t know what he feels about marriage, but Kenzie finally expressed her fears about it.”
“You said she’s afraid he’ll resent her for forcing him to marry?”
Susan nodded and bit her lip.
“Suze?”
“When she said that, it felt like Moe smacked Curly ove
r the head and I was Curly. She echoed exactly what I was trying to tell Drake here the other day.”
“You think he resents you?”
“I know he does.”
Natalie sighed loudly. “I thought he asked forgiveness for this sort of thing on Saturday.”
“He did, but I see now it was just to smooth things over, either to calm me down or to get me in church on Palm Sunday.” She turned to her sister-in-law. “Sorry. That’s not completely fair. I don’t think he has a conscious clue to this negative power he holds over me. He doesn’t do it on purpose. And it’s as much my fault that I bend into it. I got pregnant. Ergo, I forced him to marry me. I’m guilty. I owe him. It’s my job to keep him happy. To make up for what I did.”
“And forget that it takes two to make a baby?”
“Sure. It’s the woman’s role to consent or not.”
“That’s one lousy, cockeyed version of wifely submission.”
“Yes, it is.” She gazed again at the ocean. “When I asked him if he resented me, he seemed puzzled. He asked why would he feel that? I just looked at him. He got defensive, so I think he caught on to what I meant.”
“I can’t believe he told you not to come back, even in the heat of the moment. And the Marthas too! He is not the brother-in-law I knew. Nor the pastor of ten years ago. Or even five.”
“Nor the husband. Nor the daddy of little Kenzie.”
“Well, Suze, I’m sure he’s threatened by your new independent streak.”
She felt an old familiar sinking sensation. “I don’t mean to threaten him.”
“You should have threatened him a long time ago. This will either make him or break him.” Natalie flung an arm around Susan’s shoulders and got almost nose-to-nose with her. “How are you?”
“Um.”
“Suze, come on. What happened to your straight talk?”
“There are these lapses.” Especially when it came to Drake. “It looks like I’ve left him. I don’t want to break up our marriage. That’s not my intention.”
“I know that, but I didn’t ask about your plans. Tell me how you are.”
“You can be such a bulldog.”
“That’s good! Keep going.” Natalie lowered her arm, but her intense eye contact said she was not letting go. “How do you feel?”
“I feel ugly and worthless and abandoned.” Susan blurted the words. “My husband kicked me out! I don’t mean a thing to him! I am scum in his eyes. Oh, Natalie, it hurt so bad last night I thought I would die.”
“But you didn’t.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t. God brought me through the worst night of my life and this morning…” Tears welled, and she whispered, “This morning I walked Pugsy on the beach, before dawn, for at least an hour. And I sang the entire time! Out loud! It was like I couldn’t help it.”
Natalie grinned. “The joyful bird.”
“Yes, but now what?”
“Now we pray.”
“We need Mildred.”
“Suze, you’re asking for help.”
She smiled. “Yes, I am. It’s getting easier.”
“Great, because I already called in the troops. Those crazy boycotting Martha Mavens will be here by dinnertime.”
Natalie left to coach soccer practice, promising to return later with Susan’s car. She would hitch a ride home with one of the others. Earlier that morning Gwyn had helped her. Using Natalie’s key for Susan’s front door, they went inside after Drake left for the office and collected her clothes as well as her car, which was parked now at Natalie’s.
Susan busied herself unpacking once again. Much to her surprise, Tess caught her at it, arriving long before dinnertime.
“I’m early, Susan.” She laughed as she entered and gave her a quick hug. “Like you didn’t notice. I hope I’m not interrupting. Can I help you with anything?”
They sat in the living room.
“Thank you, but, um, I’m just doing laundry. Getting, uh, organized.” The usual intimidation she felt in the presence of the director of women’s ministries seared through her like desert heat. Little Susie Anderson shriveled. What must Tess think? There she was, not even unpacked yet. How could she explain that she’d left her home in such a tizzy she hadn’t the wherewithal to grab even a nightgown? Or that Natalie had to gather her things on the sly. It all sounded so juvenile—
“Susan.” Tess lifted her elegant hands with their professionally done pearly pink nails and then let them fall to her tasteful, classic, woolen beige slacks. “I don’t know where to begin.”
“I realize what I did appears wrong.”
“Susan, if you appear in the wrong, then we all do. I left the service yesterday too, remember?”
“Of course. I appreciated you comforting me.”
“Well, I didn’t do it solely for your sake. Nor did the others. We all felt a similar letdown when Drake made his special announcement. He sounded like a heartless automaton, hardly even mentioning poor Kenzie.” Her short laugh resembled a harsh bark. “Letdown isn’t the word. It doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of what I felt. It was more…I don’t know. Disillusionment? Indignation? Righteous anger? Perhaps all that and more. No, I’m not here to lecture about right and wrong and Drake’s reputation and what you should have done.”
Huh? Susie Anderson sat up and took notice. Tess Harmon, the most staid woman she’d ever met, had just performed the equivalent of a break-dance right there in the living room.
“The thing is, Susan—Oh!” She covered her face with both hands.
“Tess?”
After a few deep breaths, she pulled a handkerchief from her blazer pocket. “I’m sorry. Something is tearing me apart, and I haven’t been able to speak of it because, well, after all I am this director. I teach and mentor women and suggest, more or less, that if they live life as I do, they’ll be fine.” Emotion interrupted her speech again.
Susan understood. “You have to keep up an image. You can’t be real.”
“Precisely. Isn’t that a crock?”
She couldn’t help but smile at the slang. “It is indeed. These past couple weeks I’ve found…” Was she actually passing a lesson along to Tess? Imagine that! “I’ve found that being real is the most freeing experience ever.”
“That’s what shows.”
“Really?”
She nodded. “And I want it.”
“Then…” They exchanged a long stare. “Then let out whatever is tearing you apart. It shouldn’t control you.”
“My son is gay.”
Susan moved to the couch and took her hand. “Oh, honey.”
“And I didn’t have a clue on how to love him until I saw you with Kenzie Friday night.” Tears glowed in her eyes. “God doesn’t stop loving us when we make foolish choices. Why do we put so many conditions on others? He’s my son! I don’t understand why he’s involved in this lifestyle. I’ve spent years trying to figure out what we did wrong. It’s easy to pretend it’s not happening. He lives in San Francisco and has a good job. I just don’t talk about his personal life. What I need is wise counsel and direction, but I can’t even tell anyone because it would tarnish my image!”
While Tess cried, Susan did what she wished someone would have done for her in January: She put her arm around Tess’ shoulders and sat beside her, silent except for wiping at her own tears.
After a time Tess blew her nose. “I was still in denial after Kenzie’s shower, though. I still thought you should handle things differently. I offered Drake sympathy and let him know he was still my highly respected pastor. Then on Saturday night our son called. He and his…boyfriend…partner…are planning a civil marriage ceremony. It was devastating news for me and my husband. I don’t know how we made it to church the next day, but we did. And then Drake did his announcement thing. All I could see was me standing up there talking about how miserable I was because of my son’s choices and not once speaking of him as a human being in need of prayer or of my need for prayer
because of how I’ve hurt him.”
Susan nodded.
“That’s when I realized Drake had it all wrong. I left the service and decided to get real.”
“Tess, you are incredibly real right now. Thank you for letting me in.”
“Thank you for showing me how.” She gave a tiny smile and patted her chest. “Oh, my. Is this it? Is this how it feels? It’s like I just got released from prison.”
Susan laughed. “I hear the chains falling to the ground.”
“Wow.” Tess hooted long and hard, until she had joyful tears to dry. “Now what?”
“Well.” She smiled. “I suggest we start with ice cream.”
“Ice cream? It’s the middle of the afternoon.”
“That’s the point, Tess. That’s exactly the point.”
Forty-Six
“Ah-ah…” Aidan covered his mouth with his hands. “Achoo!”
Pepper sneered at her son in the doorway and pushed past him into his apartment. “Don’t you dare give me that, bud. You called me, remember?” She faced him as he shut the door. “Otherwise I wouldn’t be here invading your space.”
He laughed. “Just kidding. Little touchy, are we?”
Maybe she was.
Okay. Yes, she definitely was. She could be woman enough to admit it. But not to him. No way.
Fourteen hours into her fast, she was struggling. Usually when she practiced the discipline, she disengaged as much as possible from the world and tried to do it in secret the way Jesus suggested in Matthew. Her daughters Carys and Davita went off to school, Mickey Junior to a friend’s, she cleared her schedule, stayed home, and didn’t answer the phone.
The day wasn’t usual. Mick had left town early that morning. His absence always left a vacancy inside of her. The twins, Lisel and Sari, were spending their Easter break from college at the house. Good news, bad news: They kept Mickey and the other girls busy, but they kept them busy at home, stirring up all kinds of energy. Then the washer broke. Then Aidan phoned. Kenzie was in a bad way. She needed his mom. Could she stop by?
The whole reason she fasted was to focus on prayer for Aidan and Kenzie and the Starrs. Of course she agreed to go right over.