I headed into the city, winding my way through various side streets until I found Marisol’s apartment building. It was kind of seedy, grey and flaking. The hallway wasn’t much better. There were cracks and bulges in the wall that begged for filler and a sander. I started up the staircase. The stairs were solid but kind of creaky and disconcerting. I kept going past identical doors of bare wood until I got to #7. I raised my hand and knocked.
The door was wrenched open from the inside, sending a few splinters down to the floor. “Erica! Hi,” Marisol said brightly. She was lovely and petite, maybe a couple inches over the five foot line, and covered up with black sweatpants and an oversized grey sweatshirt. Her shiny black hair fell around her face in delicate ringlets. Her skin was subtly, naturally tan, and her delicate features and dark chocolate eyes completed her striking, natural prettiness. Her beauty went below the surface, too. Lou had really lucked out finding her.
I smiled at Marisol and walked into the apartment. The walls were depressingly grey, but posters covered much of the surface. The apartment was full of bright, cushy-looking furniture. There were hand-woven rugs breaking up the drab, grimy-looking floor. It wasn’t that nice a place, but they made it work. The small space always seemed cozy when they were together. I had never been there to see what it was like for her when Lou wasn’t there.
Lou came ambling out of the kitchen just then. “Hey, Erica,” he said. He looked relaxed. I was certain it was a relief for him to be home, even for a week. I knew the dressage scene in Germany was intense, especially for an unknown American rider.
“What brings you here?” He asked me.
“I’m just visiting people today,” I said. “I’m going to Ashley’s after this.”
Lou smiled. “Make sure to tell her I said ‘hi’.”
“I will.” Ashley and I had combined forces in high school to try and keep Lou from killing himself. He was ever grateful to both of us, but especially Ashley, considering she wasn’t even related to him. Also, she was hot.
“Do you want anything to eat? Or drink?” Marisol was hovering around me.
I shook my head quickly. “No. Thanks, though.” Marisol and Lou ate health nut food, except for when Lou binged on candy bars, his ever present weakness. I’d already eaten two slices of cold pizza that morning. An egg white omelet full of veggies wasn’t going to change that.
“I hear your last show went pretty well,” Lou said with a happy gleam in his eye.
I nodded. A smile broke out on my face. “Yeah. I know it was only sixth, but it’s not every day I beat a $50,000 Grand Prix prospect shipped in from the horse capitol of the country.”
“You should be proud,” he said. “I know how hard you’ve worked on D.M.” That was another good thing about Lou. He supported my conviction that D.M. was worth what I’d invested in him.
Marisol left my side and went over to Lou. They’d been apart for five minutes, and that was all they could handle. They were apart too much. He covered her small hand with his, and she angled herself into him. He rested his forehead on hers, and for a moment they stood there, connected, breathing the same air. I felt like I was seeing something I shouldn’t, even though nothing was happening in front of me that wasn’t G-rated. I felt like an intruder.
They broke apart for my sake, looking a little embarrassed. “I should get going,” I said, breaking up the awkward air between us. “It’s kind of a drive to Ashley’s. I just wanted to say ‘hi’.”
“Oh. Are you sure?” Marisol asked. Lou didn’t say anything. We communicated privately, silently. He didn’t not want me there, but his time with Marisol was precious and limited.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said. “I need to get back on the road. It was great to see you.” I stepped forward and hugged them both, and then I turned to leave.
I was in the way here, even if they were too nice to say it.
I jogged down the rickety stairs, suddenly desperate to get out of this place with its grey, peeling paint. Now I know how Marisol feels when she’s alone. Somehow I couldn’t sympathize.
I was strong. I was independent. Most of the time, I avoided feeling sorry for myself. I had my friends some of the time, my horses were always there for me, and usually that was enough. But sometimes it hit me. I’d never had a boyfriend, or even the potential for one. I was 21 years old. Lots of girls had boyfriends by the time they were twelve. It was hard, in times like these, not to feel like there was something wrong with me.
I didn’t want a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Just to prove I was worthy. Most guys I saw around me didn’t seem worth the drama. There were cute guys who went in and out of my life, but when you looked below the exterior, there was nothing there. I had never really felt anything major for anyone before.
It was hard to feel this way about Lawrence. I had no reason to believe it was anything but one-sided.
I drove to Ashley’s, keeping the radio tuned to classic rock. By the time I got to her house, I was feeling a little better. I put on a bright, excited face and walked up to her door. Ashley jerked it open before I could even knock and hugged me enthusiastically. Finally she stepped back and looked at me. “Wow. I haven’t seen you in….too long!”
“I know.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how we let that happen.”
Ashley shook her head too. She was elegantly long-necked, long-waisted and slim. She had a supple look to her, and sleek medium brown hair that reached past her shoulder blades.
“Life,” she said. “It’s intense. And we don’t go to school together anymore, so that makes it harder.”
Ashley had shown jumpers back in high school. She was a good rider, but she’d chosen to go to college and get a degree and hopefully a job in a field more lucrative than riding and training. I didn’t blame her at all.
I followed Ashley into her house. It was a nice place, monochromatic and sleekly decorated. Ashley stopped and turned back. “Shit. You haven’t met Graham yet, have you?”
“Um. No. No, I haven’t.” I was getting a little sick in my stomach. I was hoping Graham was a Labrador, but I wasn’t holding my breath.
“Graham!” Ashley called. She didn’t yell “C’mere, boy!”
Mere seconds later, I caught a glimpse of red hair. The more I saw, the more I doubted my ability to keep from breaking down at the end of the day.
“Graham, this is Erica,” Ashley said, oblivious to how much I did not went to be meeting her boyfriend right now.
“Hi, Erica,” Graham said agreeably. He could look down at me, so he was obviously six foot something. He was muscular but not in a bulky way. His emerald eyes stood out against his dull scarlet hair, and his face looked like it had been chiseled to perfection by some brilliant artist instead of just getting randomly assigned to him in the same stupid genetic lottery that’d stuck me with what I got.
“Hi, Graham,” I said with the rasp and low volume of a recently strangled person.
He seemed to register none of the horror I feared was on my face. “You work with horses, right?”
“Yes. Thoroughbreds mostly, but some European Warmbloods. I train them to compete in the hunter/jumper ring.” It was probably more information than he wanted, but what the hell. It kept me from sobbing.
He nodded. “That’s how you guys met?”
I nodded. “Yes. That and high school.”
“Right. Well, it’s great to finally meet you, Erica. I’ll get out of your way, now. You two probably want to talk.” He smiled an adorably lopsided smile, kissed Ashley briefly and went back where he’d come from.
“Nice, eh?” Ashley hissed at a near-whisper.
“Yeah. Nice job finding that one, Ash.” I was dangerously close to crying. He was so nice. He was also gorgeous, and it seemed like he had a brain in his head. I started compulsively chewing on my lip. I would not cry.
We went upstairs to Ashley’s bedroom. Her comforter was still purple, which was good. Her trophies were still displayed out in the open.
It was nice that Ashley hadn’t changed. It maybe meant she hadn’t outgrown me.
“So. How’s the adorable D.M.?”
I threw myself into this safe topic with abandon. I told her all about our training and our relationship and our problems and how far we’d come. To her credit, Ashley leaned into the flurry of words and stories and appeared to enjoy each one.
Eventually, I ran out of steam and went silent for a moment. Ashley picked a new topic. “So what’s your plan? Are you gonna get your own place?”
I felt my own face fall. “Uh, no. I can’t afford it at this point. So I’m stuck at home until I start to make more money.”
Ashley nodded in sympathy. “Too bad. At least it’s a nice place, though.”
“It is. Except that my mom apparently thinks we don’t spend enough time together. Which is ridiculous. We shouldn’t be spending any time together. I should be gone. But today I barely got through the door. She wanted me to go shopping.” My lip curled.
Ashley cringed. “She still hasn’t given that up?”
“No, and she probably never will.” I sighed. “I have got to get out of there. But I can’t.”
I fell into a sullen silence again. I knew I should ask Ashley about her life. I wasn’t being a good friend. But I was having a shitty day.
I was about to pay for not being a good friend. Ashley started up again. “What about…is there finally a guy you find…interesting?” She was smiling as she said it. She wasn’t trying to be cruel.
We often talked about guys. She always seemed to have a boyfriend or a serious crush. It was a constant with her. I would play along, but without much enthusiasm. I had never had an occasion to be enthusiastic. I sure didn’t have one today.
“Nope. Not really,” I said to her. Why did I add “not really”? That leaves room for questions!
Sure enough, Ashley sensed I was holding back. “Come on. There’s gotta be someone…”
I quickly weighed my options. I could keep denying it, and not be believed, or I could just tell her and be done with it. I didn’t have to go into detail. “Yeah, okay,” I said begrudgingly. “There’s kind of someone.”
Ashley perked up immediately. “Who is it? Do I know him? What’s he like? I knew it had to happen one of these days!”
I was getting a tension headache. “Um…I don’t think you know him. He’s not really from around here. He’s really awesome, but he’s just a client. There’s no way anything’s happening.”
“Why not?” Ashley demanded. “You teach riding, not high school economics.”
I shuddered. “Ew.”
“What? Oh, come on. I’m just saying, there’s no reason you can’t date him. He’s at least eighteen, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, then, what’s stopping you?”
I wrapped my arms around myself tightly. Ashley didn’t get it. People like her never got how it was for people like me. “He doesn’t like me, Ash. You forget that he has to like me in order for us to date.” Please don’t make me talk about this anymore.
Ashley wasn’t going to give up that easily. She had no way of knowing she was beating on a deep bruise. “How do you know he doesn’t like you?”
I was in all kinds of pain now. “Ash. Because he’s way out of my league.”
Ashley rolled her eyes. She went on about how I shouldn’t sell myself short, I should be more confident, confidence is sexy, and on and on. I stopped listening after a while. It was too much, and none of it was going to change anything.
Finally I stood up. “I’m really sorry, Ash, but I have to get home. I still need to ride five horses today.”
Ashley got up too. “Okay. I understand. I’ll try to come and see you soon if you’ll do the same!”
“Sure, Ash. I’d like that.”
I hugged her, and I got down the stairs, out of the house and into my truck before the tears started falling. I was beyond caring if I cried. I was way beyond being tough. I leaned on the wheel and cried as I drove. I hated that this was how I felt after spending the day with people I loved. I couldn’t help it. I had tried. I really had. But it had gotten to me. All the love. The inequality.
I was in love with Lawrence. I felt things for him that were stronger and more intimidating than anything I’d ever felt before. The sensations that coursed through me when I touched him, even indirectly, still lingered in my mind, almost painfully intense. And I knew he was only keeping me around for the training. I knew it, and it hurt like hell. I wished I could just walk away. There was no reason for me to keep going. This had all started as a fucking favor to my brother. I’d taken it way too far. But I couldn’t stop now. I couldn’t leave Harry at this critical moment, when he was just beginning to trust. I had grown to love Harry, too. I cared about what happened to him. And I couldn’t let Lawrence go. Not after what I’d felt while he battled with Assault. I was trapped and bound by someone who didn’t even give a shit about me.
I was crying harder now. I started to wonder if I should pull over. I couldn’t really see anymore.
My phone started vibrating. I picked it up and squinted at the number through the pools of saltwater in my eyes. I didn’t recognize it. Oh, what the hell. I flipped the phone open. “Hello?” I said thickly.
“Erica?” Said a little petulant voice I thought I recognized.
“Yes,” I said cautiously. No. It can’t be.
“This is Maggie. Remember me?”
“Maggie,” I said dumbly. I definitely shouldn’t be driving right now. I pulled my truck over and shut it down. “I…I didn’t recognize your number.”
“That was my parents’ phone. I have my own cell phone.”
“Of course you do,” I said. This is not real. This is not possible.
“Erica?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you crying?”
I hesitated. There was no reason not to be honest. This conversation was totally absurd anyway. “Yes. I am.”
“What are you crying about?” Maggie wanted to know.
I knew I shouldn’t discuss my personal life with some snotty kid. But after a moment, I said, “A boy.”
“Oh.” I could almost hear Maggie roll her eyes. “Boys suck.”
“Yeah, they sure do.” It was strangely comforting to talk about this with someone who didn’t know me. Even if it was wrong on so many levels.
“Don’t you want to know why I called?” Maggie demanded.
“Sure,” I said. “Why not?”
“Well, I thought about what you said.”
“And….?” I was actually holding my breath.
“I want you to teach me again. I want to learn.”
I let out the air I’d been holding. “Okay. I can give you a lesson tomorrow morning at nine ‘o clock. You need to be ready to ride at nine, or else I’m turning around and I’m driving straight back home.”
“Okay.” Maggie hung up on me. I sat there blinking. I checked my cell phone to see if that call had actually happened. It showed it had.
I still didn’t believe it. Maybe I would at nine in the morning.
Lawrence
My left shoulder was a deep bruise, the color of clotted blood. I glanced at it briefly in the bathroom mirror, then stepped into the shower. I guess I’m lucky it’s not dislocated, I told myself as the stream of water hit it, intensifying the ache.
Thank God that son of a bitch wasn’t shod, I thought as I pulled on a T-shirt, an act which nearly sent tears running out of my eyes. I went to the kitchen, and saw Harry and Vegas playing wild horse games through the window.
I wasn’t in the mood for cooking. I knew I couldn’t ask Amber to fry up sliced dead pig (known by normal people as bacon) for me. Cereal it is. I got my favorite kind out and poured a heaping bowl, then added a splash of milk. It was cheap, easy, comforting. And it tasted really, really good. I was just starting to lose myself in it when Amber walked into the room, poised to shatter my peace.
“What, no sliced pig
today?” She asked, her voice rude and jarring.
“Don’t feel like cooking,” I mumbled, quickly returning to my cereal. Please, Amber. Not today.
“What’re you eating?” She demanded. Amber did not respect subtle social cues that someone was having a really shitty day and needed a little compassion and some space.
“Cookies ‘n Cream Crunch,” I answered.
She snorted with gale force. “Nah. You’re making that up.”
I raised my eyes. “If I was gonna go to the trouble of making it up, wouldn’t I make up some healthy crap, like ‘Flax ‘n Bran Crunch’? If I really cared about your opinion?”
Amber’s eyes got all glittery. “Lemme see.” She went for my bowl.
“Leave it.” I growled. “The box is right over there.” There was death in my voice. Even Amber respected it, and backed off.
Amber went over to the counter, picked up the cereal box, pulled out the plastic bag, and started rummaging around inside. After a moment she stopped, and looked back at me. “This is mini Oreos and chocolate flakes.”
No duh. That’s what makes it Cookies ‘n Cream Crunch. “So?”
“This…this shit is not cereal.”
“Leave my cereal alone, Amber,” I said warningly.
Amber flipped the box around and started reading the nutrition stuff. “There’s 47 grams of sugar in one cup of this shit. Do you know what a cup is? You have got, like, six cups right there in front of you.”
“I really don’t give a shit, okay? What’s it to you?”
“I’m just appalled by your eating habits. In new and worse ways every day. Your constant sugar intake is going to kill you.”
“Will you please just let me finish my cereal? I don’t care if it kills me. You’re killing me right now. I’d much rather die in a nice sugar haze than listen to you bitch about how my cereal is going to kill me. Okay?”
Training Harry Page 26