She smiled in that pinched, caring, slightly judgmental way of hers. “Oh.”
“That’s how we make our living, Mom. Would you rather I sat around the house all day?” I took the bait almost reflexively.
She shook her head, and her hair remained unnaturally still. “Of course not, sweetheart. I love that you’re so dedicated. I just worry that you don’t spend enough time with other people.” Her eyes were large and saccharine.
I chewed a large bite of muffin much harder than I needed to. When I’d swallowed, I raised my eyes again. This was another pointless, recurrent topic between us. My supposed isolation.
“I see people all the time,” I said flatly. “Like the barn crew. I see them every single day. I see people at the shows every weekend. I see my clients. My clients are people…” I droned on, barely listening to myself. “And…and I’m going to lunch with Jennifer on Wednesday.” That wasn’t actually happening, but I could easily make it happen.
My mother seemed reluctantly mollified. “Be sure to give her my best. Such a nice girl.” Why couldn’t you be more like her, I could almost see her thinking.
I returned my full focus to the crumbling muffin in front of me. It went down smoothly, and I picked up another one, maintaining a low and defensive posture. I still heard the outward rush of air from across the table.
My dad straightened in his chair. Even the slightly loaded silence seemed to put him at ease. “Would you work Right Of Way and Free Fortune for me today? I need to take off midday to look at a filly in Georgetown.”
I nodded. “Sure. I can do that.” I had no outings scheduled, so I was sure I could fit a couple more rides into the day. Plus, I was always keen to ride new horses. Each horse had something unique for me to learn.
My dad smiled. “Thanks. That will really help. They both need consistent work right now.”
I chewed some more, and my dad glanced my way again. “I got a call from Mark DeWayne today,” he said, totally unaware of the dark and tangled place he was going. “About Assault.”
My spine braced. I lifted my head to meet his eyes. “What did he say to you?”
“Mark said he saw Assault on Saturday. He wants him.”
My head was full of heat. “I already told him I wasn’t interested in selling Assault right now.”
My dad looked slightly taken aback. “He offered ten thousand.”
My jaw tightened. “That’s nothing.”
“It’s more than we paid,” he said, looking uneasy, like he regretted starting this conversation. Yet he forged on. “The market is down, and we have a barn full of horses. We can’t really pass up a sale.”
I sat there for a moment, listening to my breathing. It was unnaturally loud. Then I looked up, right into his eyes. “Any time I put into Assault, we will get back out of him. A couple weeks ago, he was a complete rogue, and now he’s winning on the A circuit. If I am allowed to put a few months into him, the profit margin will be epic. I have no doubt.”
My dad was quiet. His eyes darted to his plate, but he didn’t start eating.
I stood up and walked out of the room, quickly throwing on my boots en route to the door. The etched glass rose up before me, mocking me. I pulled it open and shut it roughly, letting the satisfying, reverberating clatter hit my ears. Then I took off down the driveway at a rapid walk. I wanted to go for a drive, to get even further away, but I had a full day of training ahead of me and no time for a nice, calming detour. I made the turn to the barn instead, gritting my teeth together.
I was furious. I was pissed at Mark for not taking no for an answer, and calling up my father, for God’s sake. What a child. My mother was who she was, and she had never been able to accept who I was, but my dad…I didn’t understand how he could not trust my judgment after all this time. I’ve only been working my ass off for ten years, Dad…I think I know what I’m doing by now.
I reached the barn entrance, still seething. My stomach felt raw, almost scalded. What am I doing here anymore? Even as the thought entered my head it seemed to bring on the uncertainty I was trying at all costs to beat back. How am I supposed to train and win for you if you don’t trust me to make a decision on my own? I hated this uneasiness, this wobbly feeling in the back of my throat.
These thoughts did me no good. I didn’t need to self sabotage. I already had more than enough help with that. I quickly resumed my defensive speed-walk, snatching up a lead shank. I was in a terrible headspace for working with horses, but there was one horse I particularly wanted to work with right now. He could handle my roiling, steamed emotions. They might even give me an edge.
In a minute Assault was at my shoulder. His head bobbed along as I led him to the barn. He decided it would be fun to stick his nose right in my face. I whirled on him. “Don’t even,” I growled.
The gelding turned his face away. He walked on respectfully, showing great sense.
When I was in the saddle, Assault roared along at an extended trot. He executed my every command with spine-cracking power and the occasional opinionated kick. He stepped over three foot fences with bored disdain, taking off short, long and crooked and never rattling a single pole.
I was sucking air when I finally pulled him down to a walk and let the reins out. Sweat rolled along my back. Assault strutted around the arena, shifting my weight around.
This horse had something to give. Like, really something. I needed time to figure out just what and how much he had.
Meredith
Erica stormed out of the room, and a moment later the door slammed shut. I winced, and shook my head. “I’ve told her a thousand times…that door is an heirloom, for God’s sake!” Robert was intent on his food at the head of the table. “I just wish she’d have a little respect,” I said to him anyway. He nodded without listening.
I returned to the roasted green peppers and cauliflower on my plate, my eyes drawn and held to the empty muffin holders and the crumbs that clung to them. “She’s going to pack on the pounds with all that sugar she eats,” I muttered, cuing another nod from my husband.
Once I was finished eating, I stood up quickly. I needed to prepare the house for my guests, who would be arriving in a few hours. “I wish you hadn’t given Erica those two horses,” I said to Robert. “Now she’ll never make it out of the barn today.”
Robert glanced at me. “The Stanham boy is out of town this week, Meredith, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Of course. I know that. But Cheryl’s lovely daughter, Caroline is coming over, and I had hoped they could spend some time together.”
“I’m sure there’ll be another time,” Robert said. He shifted his chair away from the table and stood up. He walked over to me and gave me a quick kiss. “I’ve got to get to the barn. I’ll see you tonight, okay?”
“Bye, dear,” I said. I watched him leave. He closed the door very lightly, and then the house was completely silent.
I hurried to make sure everything was ready. Nothing had shifted out of place since the previous evening, but I made a few adjustments here and there. Then I stood in the foyer for a while, looking through the front window. I could see the outdoor arena from here, where Erica and her father were schooling their first horses of the day. I liked to watch them work, but I felt like an awkward, unwanted spectator if I watched ringside.
They worked well together, but then they always had. From an early age Erica gravitated to Robert, and their shared passion. She could sit by the edge of the ring and watch him ride for hours, never fidgeting. She would groom the horses Robert trusted, as much of their legs as she could reach. She rode as soon as she was coordinated enough not to be completely helpless.
I stayed by the window until they finished with their first horses, and then I headed up the broad, sweeping staircase to the master bedroom, where I filled the rest of my waiting time with online shopping.
When the hands on the clock neared the letter twelve, I stood up and left the bedroom to wait for Marjorie, Lillian
, Cheryl and the others. I poured mimosas as I waited. Marjorie was the first to arrive, and she really showed up in a turquoise romper and leopard print platform heels. More than a little impressed, I greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. “Don’t you look marvelous,” I said enviously. “I never would have thought to pick up a romper,” I added.
“Oh, well, we mustn’t leave all the trends to the twentysomethings.” Marjorie smiled primly. “Oh, look, there are Cheryl and Caroline.”
I glanced toward the door in time to see the Fishers make their entrance. Cheryl had gone with a timeless, if uninspired LBD, but her daughter shone brightly in a bold pink mini and gladiator sandals. “Meredith, the place looks lovely as usual,” Cheryl said as she walked over to where I stood.
“Your home is so lovely,” Caroline echoed.
“Oh, thank you,” I said modestly. “You both look stunning.” I turned to address Caroline. “I think I’ve seen your dress before….the new collection at Waiffe’s, perhaps?”
“Oh, yes.” Caroline flipped her long, pin-straight hair over her shoulder. “I love that store. My mom and I shop there all the time.”
I didn‘t speak for a moment. “Well, you have excellent taste in fashion,” I finally said. “I would love for Erica to spend time with you, but she’s very busy with her training today.” I felt my face fall even as I said it. “So I’m afraid you’ll have to ’hang’ with a more mature crowd this afternoon.”
“Oh, I don’t mind at all.” Caroline smiled. “Mother-daughter time is so precious, after all.” She cast her mother a loving glance.
The door opened just then. “I’ll catch up with you two later,” I said quickly as I turned away.
The house was soon abuzz with mingled voices, and I was glad for it. I weaved my way through the crowd and various conversations, a smile firmly on my face.
Eventually, I found Lillian Miller off to the side of a large, chatting group. “How is Crofton?” I asked Lillian as she sipped her drink. “I can’t believe he’s already eighteen.”
“I know. How time flies.” She smiled sweetly. “Did I tell you he’s working with a new horse? We felt he should have something a little better for the A shows, so Benjamin found him a three-quarter brother to Sapphire - you know, McLain’s Olympic horse - in Wellington. Schooling Grand Prix level. Solace is just wonderful. Crofton gets on so well with him.”
“Isn’t that wonderful.” I was remembering something, but I kept a smile on my face. “His debut in the ring must’ve been so exciting.”
Lillian’s face tightened. “We’re not rushing him off to the shows just yet. Such a talented, sensitive horse needs time to settle into a new home before being pushed in competition.” She moved off to the other side of the room.
I had a strong suspicion, and I hurried over to Marjorie to confirm. “Crofton has shown his new horse, Solace, hasn’t he?”
Marjorie snorted. “Yes. His debut was quite inauspicious. He placed outside the ribbons, below some terribly common horses.”
My breath caught a little. “My daughter’s horse was one of those ‘common’ horses,” I snapped without thinking.
“Oh, dear, I’m sorry,” Marjorie said lightly. “I never meant to offend. Although I must say, I’ve heard far worse things said of that draft horse, and mostly they came from your own mouth.”
My eyes dropped to my manicure. I said nothing.
Marjorie remained firmly in place. “How is Erica?” She said as if nothing had happened.
“She’s doing wonderfully,” I said, finding my voice. “She’s very dedicated to her work with the horses, and I know she’ll succeed.”
Marjorie smiled. “That’s wonderful. Any boyfriends yet?”
I fell silent again.
Marjorie’s mouth was still wide. “Well, there’s always next year.”
Lawrence
Eloise stood at her door, waiting for me. She knew. I slipped a halter over her face and led her out into the aisle. Elle stood tall and straight, her ears locked upward. She nearly trembled with anticipation, terror and uneasy relief. She read my emotions like a billboard.
I couldn’t believe four months were gone. In those first terrible weeks, the passage of time had nearly stopped for me. But things had gotten better, like they do. Elle was still here. She was adept at surviving. Elle had come into my life fighting, and she was quietly fighting even now.
Today we would get a look inside the bone, and find out if it was in one piece again. I was making myself sick second-guessing every management choice I’d made for Eloise in those four months. It was pointless and self-destructive. Two of my specialties.
Elle was on high alert. Her eyes darted, following the heavy, crunching sound of the incoming truck. Her neck arched and her nostrils fluttered delicately as she drew in the scent of the veterinarian. He rolled his equipment in nonchalantly. “Hello there, Lawrence. How is Eloise?”
“Still fighting. But cooperating.”
“Good, good.” He stepped closer to Elle, letting her sniff him. Elle was stoic and professional, but cautious about people she didn’t normally see. She decided the vet was alright.
He wasted no time setting up the x-ray machine. Eloise held herself noticeably still. I stroked her shiny neck. It was more to comfort myself than her. Elle wasn’t touchy-feely. She indulged me, but she hardly ever sought out human contact. I remembered how I’d walked up to her as she stood wobbling in the recovery stall, the anesthesia still finding its way out of her system. She had looked at me, vulnerable and alone, and dropped her head into my hands. She let me hold her up.
That was when I knew I would have to leave Florida.
Without fanfare, the images were taken. Elle let out a deep sigh, almost deflating a little. The vet took the films to his trailer, where they could be processed and viewed. I let Elle back into her stall and paced relentlessly. She stared at me resolutely. Time hung, suspended over us. The anticipation, hope and dread chewed at me from within.
I stared out at the looming field. The gondolas over the chairs filling up with people waiting to see me fail.
I started to feel nauseous, so I looked down at Eloise’s sleek shoulder. She would be my partner in the first chukker. She was the only thing keeping me relatively sane. Elle was my gravity. It was the same game as always, but everything was on another level here. It was an alternate universe, and I kept having the intense sensation that I was just a spectator. I needed someone here. Someone who was on my side.
My team and whoever we were playing were making their entrance onto the field to polite applause. My team was indifferent to my presence. I was new and unproven and they didn’t trust me not to fuck up their season. I was used to that by now.
Eloise shifted underneath me, and I let her walk on. She was quietly revving. We walked along the outskirts of the field, slightly distant from everyone else. I saw Marla sitting nearly at the edge of the field. She leaned forward, fingers skittering over her laptop. They slowed and then stopped as I passed her.
We assembled into our starting positions. The horses’ teeth clacked against their bits. Heads tossed and studded hooves shifted minutely. The players sat tall, poised like insurgents. I fought to sit still, forcing in a breath only when I absolutely had to. I wanted to get out there and prove myself. I wanted to take over the ball and force everyone else to try and stop me from taking it wherever the hell I wanted. I was primed to explode and ricochet all over the field. But the strategist in me wanted to take a different approach. I had one chance to use all this doubt and disrespect.
The ball rolled out onto the center of the field.
I veered away from the chaotic rumble of hoof beats. I let everyone else fight it out while I hung on the sidelines like a fat kid in gym. The opposing team took control of the ball. Suspicions confirmed, they let me slip off their radar. They forgot me. Eloise cantered along, brilliance crackling below the surface.
I stood in my stirrups, watching for cracks in their defense. Eloise
accelerated smoothly, keeping us right on the edge of where we needed to go. We were still unseen. They were closing in on our goal when Elle pulled sharply on the bit. I let her do it. When Elle yanked the reins, she was always right.
We slipped into their space like we’d dropped down from above. Took the ball right in front of their eyes. It was to be our goal, not theirs. I saw a flash of Marla on her feet, and then I threw myself right back into the fray. Eloise skimmed over the turf, her feet barely touching down. Her ears were up and she was already looking for the ball.
The other team knew not to let me in now. I didn’t need them to let me in. They fought me, and I came alive. I melded with my team, and we took over. We scored again before the bell sounded and I jumped down from Elle’s back. She was soaked through and still razor sharp. I held her face for a moment and thanked her for getting me through. She shook me off politely and a hot walker came and took her away.
A door slammed. The vet shuffled in, framed by the doorway. “Well. The fracture has healed.”
My relief was tentative. I didn’t like how he’d said it. “Is there something wrong?”
“The break was not entirely clean, which makes things more difficult. An oblique fracture such as this one complicates the healing process, as you know. Make no mistake - Eloise is completely sound, and with the proper conditioning of her tendons and ligaments, as well as the bone itself, she will be able to move freely in turnout. I think you’ll be able to ride her, too, if you proceed sensibly.”
He shifted a bit on his feet. “But I think I would be advising you terribly if I told you Eloise could return to her old line of work. Polo, especially at the highest level, demands a lot of a horse and their legs. All the sustained galloping, and particularly the sharp changes of direction at top speed, carry too much risk. I think the fracture site will always be an inherent weak point for Eloise. And if she were to have another break in the same spot, there’s a very good chance it would be much worse.”
I felt a very abstract, muted sadness, like I was watching this happen to someone else. “And if that did happen?”
Training Harry Page 31