by Janice Ross
I quickly shifted forward. Lucas is and would now always be off-limits to me. He’d made a choice outside of me. As much as that choice pained, I refused to sacrifice my dignity. No matter how much my heart tugged, I briefly hugged myself in a lonely embrace, swiped the back of my forearm across my eyes, and whispered a gentle, “Goodbye,” to the image of Lucas.
~
The bar was crowded for a Wednesday afternoon.
Midweek blues?
There was nothing blue about my day or week. Lucas had been out of town, my best friend Emma had been working extra hours to plan for a vacation and I was trying to land a remote part-time behavioral health research role with a center out of California. I trailed my fingers around the brim of my glass before leaning forward to enjoy another sip of mango mojito. I cried over the vulnerabilities of falling in love.
That word was capable of tearing apart my insides. I dreaded the emotion. Too many others had suffered for the sake of this four-letter curse.
As I studied the thoughts racing through my mind, nothing mattered until a familiar scent stepped in. Then two hands rested on my shoulders. I inhaled, then spun on the stool and reached up for Lucas’s hand at the same time. While I pictured my massive grin, his lips formed a slight frown. And for a couple seconds, the laughter of everyone else faded away.
Lucas tipped his head forward. His fingers folded into mine. He squeezed in a way that didn't seem right for friends.
“Come here?” He quickly bent down to whisper in my ear. I followed his lead. I had no problem with being led by him, but then remembered my drink. After tipping back over to collect it, I rejoined Lucas in a two-seater booth, way in the back portion of the bar.
Lucas drummed his fingers on the heavy, rich brown wooden table. Nearby, a hanging stained-glass lamp rained circular lights down onto his face. As I studied the collage, a sort of heaviness blanketed me. It was too quiet.
“What’s wrong, Lucas?”
He shrugged, removing a pitch-black jacket in the process.
“Talk to me,” I begged.
“Shay, I gotta tell you something.”
I stopped breathing. After five seconds and no movement from either of us, I finally nodded.
“Um, Erika . . .”
I zoned out the instant he said the name of the woman he’d been seeing for what I felt was six months too long. Lucas was my friend. Had been mine for several years; friend that is. We were close. Because of this, I had every right to take ownership and not acknowledge this chick, no matter how long they’d been together. Lucas and I had a strong bond that no one would ever penetrate, and if I was a different person, he could’ve been mine. But I was a train wreck.
“Are you listening to me?” Lucas lifted my hand from the table. He encased it between his palms.
All I could do was nod, and then breathe in and breathe out. The walls swarmed around. Everything stifled. I no longer wanted to be touched or comforted; not by him. His expression was grim, in the way he kept shifting his eyes away from my face.
“Say what you have to say, friend.”
“How could your mood switch up like that?”
“Lucas, c’mon, what’s wrong?”
“Well, Shay, you know you’re my ace. I wanted to tell you first.” The words were filled with something strange, as if he was uncertain himself. He then ran his palms down over his face. “So, Erika needs . . . she . . . look, I’m making things official with her.”
“Official?” I wasn’t a damn idiot. My understanding of time changed. My body floated away from the safety of my other best friend, since he was no longer mine. How could I be expected to process his words, when my ears wanted to reject them? Lucas might not have been my guy, yet he was my number one. Hell, more than that, he was the only man in my life that I gave a damn about. “What does official mean?” I had to stop talking to keep from sobbing out loud. Inside of me, buried in the murky areas of my soul, this realization stripped away the joys of living. There was no way to reason through the mixed emotions of something so innocent.
“Are you okay?” Lucas held onto the tip of my chin. I tore it away.
The feeling of floating was too much to handle. I was there, in front of a man capable of bringing me back to reality. I didn’t want to be faced with anything real; I only wanted to float away from the disappointment of losing a . . . a friend.
“C’mon, Shay.”
“Why are you talking to me like I’m an idiot? Lucas, live your life!” Those words were the most I could give as my throat swelled. A burning sensation shot through my body. My lips twitched. I unwrapped my fingers from the cold stem of the glass I’d been gripping onto, snatched up the thin strap of my tiny leather bag, and fled the booth.
His call might as well have been part of the dull sounds of the racy music. I shut off every fucking emotion, every tie to the outside world.
If I couldn’t feel, then I wouldn’t hurt.
If I didn’t care, then nothing would matter.
I needed to be immune to the emotions.
“Shayna, you have no right!” I shouted, once in the car. Lucas had managed to slam down on the trunk of my ride, but that didn’t keep me from pulling off. In fact, it felt good to know that I could leave him there like he didn’t matter. But then again, I had no right to get angry.
When my phone started vibrating inside of my purse, I turned up WJBR to blot out the sound. But that wasn’t sufficient because the iPhone flashed nonstop. Before long, Delilah welcomed listeners with a gut-wrenching ballad for those who were lonely in love. As usual, the radio diva had perfect timing. So I didn’t hold back. I tapped on the wheel with my thumbs, allowed the teardrops to roll and hollered out off-key to songs of heartbreak.
Rather than go home, to face an empty house and be reminded of how sad my life was, I headed to Emma’s place. It was only about fifteen minutes away. Besides, I had a feeling Lucas would seek me out to talk about the plans he was making for his future.
“Good for him,” I mumbled to no one in particular. These same thumbs that had been tapping away to a newer, upbeat tune about love now wiped at the remnants of tears. I was broken in the worst of ways. This evening held very little importance. In fact, I tried to find every reason to not care.
“Open up, chica!” I ordered at the front door. I decided to not use the key Emma had forced me to take about two years ago. On the one occasion I’d gotten comfortable enough to enter without being let in, my dear, sweet bestie had been caught up in the most ridiculous of positions with her boyfriend at the time. I did nothing more than remove the key from the ring, rest it on the hook in the foyer, and leave. Emma had somehow managed to return it to me without ever uttering a single word.
“This is the last time I’m opening this door for you, Shay.”
“Whatever, you say that all the time.” I forced myself to laugh, it developed into a genuine one at that. I was able to smile, an extended one that reached beyond my cheeks.
“Thanks for reminding me. You can let yourself in.” Emma didn’t speak again and the door remained closed.
“I don’t want to be traumatized any more than I already have been.” I paused for her clever comeback. “C’mon, Emma . . .”
I waited and listened in silence.
Five minutes later, I finally opened the door to find Emma sitting on a chair in the hallway, eating from a container of rocky road ice cream.
“Do you see what you’re making me do?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’m shoving the ice cream down your throat.”
“You might as well, Shay. If you hadn’t opened that damn door, I would’ve finished this entire container, then let you in so that I could kick your ass for my workout.”
“Eeeevil.”
“You don’t know how evil I am, Shayna Davies.” Emma’s unruly hair had been pulled up into a loose ponytail. She wore a white pajama dress that reached midway up her thighs.
“Anyhow,” I began, sticking one finger at the v
ery top of the tub. “May I?”
“Heck no. Not with your finger. Here, use the spoon.”
“I love you like a sister, but I’ve seen you in some compromising positions. I’m not putting my lips on the spoon you’re eating from.”
“Shut up, Shay! Don’t knock the freaky stuff.” Emma was the type of person that had slick words for every situation. So when I saw how my badass friend started twirling the spoon around between closed lips, I bypassed the front door.
“C’mon, Shay! I’m just teasing.”
“Don’t tease me. Not now, at least.”
“Why, sweetie?”
I’d forgotten the hurt, if only briefly. “Lucas and that girl .” I exhaled the words.
We moved into Emma’s kitchen. When my story of the entire episode of the brief evening with Lucas came to an end, Emma shook her head. She remained in silence as she washed off the spoon and rinsed her hands.
“You couldn’t just tell him that you loved him, Shay?” She hadn’t yet turned back around to face me.
“What? Why?” I squinted, fluctuating from shock to seriousness. I bit my lips, then relaxed them. “I don’t—”
“Bullshit. I don’t know what the hell you’re trying to prove or why you’re playing things this way.”
“I’m not looking to prove anything.”
“So why are you so hurt over this?”
“I’m not hurt. I just don't understand. She might be up to something. Seriously, who does this sort of thing?”
“You’re losing him, Shayna.” Emma nodded. Her hair flowed down into her eyes, but once she swiped it away, I saw the tiny slits staring as if they were reaching for my soul.
“Losing my friend?” I emphasized the final term.
“No. You might not want to admit it to yourself, but I see it in the way your eyes twinkle at his name.” She had to know how uncomfortable her words made me.
My lips trembled; I wanted to scream for her to shut the hell up. What if I backed out the door and forgot this shit altogether? What if I pretend I hadn't said a damn word about any of this.
Yeah . . . right. She'd never let me live this down.
Tears began trickling down my cheeks. I thought back to earlier that night when I’d sat at the booth with Lucas. I adored him. There was even an emotion that had always crept up within. But love? Hell, love was nothing like what we had.
We’d started as friends.
We respected one another.
We looked out for and cared for each other.
But love?
My mother would say no such thing existed any longer. For the amount of hurt I’d seen my mother suffer, love could never exist. Perhaps it was a choice based on our attraction. Maybe not. I just didn’t know.
~
—————
LUCAS
SHAYNA DAVIES!
Shit!
How . . . when did we miss the depth of our connection? With all the thoughts swarming through my mind, I fixed my eyes on the profile I’d glanced at nonstop for all these years. I could finally admit to myself that I’ve always had an urge to run my hands all over this perfect package. Can’t believe I’d forgotten what it was like when we’d first met, or when I’d caught her by the marina. Years of emptiness weighed me down.
No more.
I damn near burned a hole through her car. To hell with her tiny bumble bee ride. I knew every smooth inch of skin, every not so gentle portion, and even the delicate aroma of her fears. How did I miss out on falling in love with my best friend?
Her thoughts came at me, even with the distance between us. I willed her to not start up the car, and instead give in like I was ready to. I studied deeply and ordered her to come to me. Granted, I knew it was my selfish side, but my God, I needed her back with me.
Shay, shut off the damn car.
Shay, don’t go.
Shay, you fricken belong with me.
You’re mine.
Come to me.
But she didn’t.
In fact, when she pulled off, my insides damn near melted. Took every ounce of my manhood to be strong and not run after her, even when I knew better. I knew she had doubt and was hurting because I’d made a selfish choice when I’d hooked up with Erika. Before I knew it, it was too late to back down. So I went ahead and silently punished Shayna for rejecting the possibility of a relationship with me.
“Dumbass!” I pounded my head with a fist.
I tipped back my head to lean further against the edge of the stone foundation and gaze into the sky. But seeing the world, massiveness and all, was too much to take in. The darkening sky represented a lonely life without smiles and love. If only I’d made this realization before now, or before thinking Erika could ever fill a void that couldn’t be covered by anyone but Shayna Davies.
Erika was different, but it had nothing to do with her bullshit perception over looking better than Shayna. There was no comparison. What someone else might’ve seen as an imperfection, I saw as the source of all that was right in my life.
I allowed my lashes to lie flat to mentally revisit the moment we’d just shared, only minutes ago in the basement. For all the times I’d tried to convince myself that Shayna was just not that into me, I wished I could now duplicate myself and kick my own ass.
“Yeah,” I said in a low drawl to no one in particular. I even kicked up the heel of my leather boot to the concrete frame of the building. The scratching sound actually helped to soothe this inner aching, so I kept up with the task, determined to rub out the name of the girl I’d fallen for way back. That day, when this simple girl had stepped into my world.
She wasn’t the usual, double-take type of girl, and definitely not one to throw herself at some random guy. She gave off this cool vibe, similar to sitting on a beach during the end of summer, right before fall began but right after the cold air had set in. Shayna was everything that any man would want because she was real.
She had thick strands of brown hair that she always complained were too unruly. A smile crept across my face. I tossed my head and bit my lip only to inhale through gritted teeth. Though it was brief, the fullness of her lips as they’d crushed into mine had pretty much marked me. And her scent . . . Shayna’s scent, a tinge of Bath & Body Works lotion, could never be mistaken. Even when I knew that the fragrances were not hers exclusively, I recognized her energy beneath it all.
“Can you explain this to me, Lucas? Who the hell was that?” Erika was beyond persistent whenever she got something in her mind.
“Not now, Erika.” My mind was still reeling. I was stuck on a roller coaster ride, and my emotions were a second away from self-destructing.
“I know we’re over, but . . .” she carefully whispered.
“Please, Erika. I’m, I’m sorry. Now’s not a good time.”
“Honestly, Lucas, I’m okay with us splitting up.” Then running her fingers through her hair, she added, “We rushed into this, but maybe we can rethink it all.”
I stepped off to the side. “Rethink? When I first brought up calling off the engagement, you’d said that it had been on your mind. You’d said that everything seemed forced from day one. You’d said that I was a breath of fresh air that had gotten stale.”
“Yeah, but I’m feeling confused. And seeing her here . . .”
“Shayna? Erika, I already told you; we already agreed on this.”
“I know. I know. But look and her. Look at me.”
“You can’t be that superficial.”
“Why not? This shit was all physical, Lucas, and besides, I’m feeling less than perfect. I’m doubting myself because you’re fucking moving on to someone who doesn’t have shit on me?” Streaks of tears streamed down her face.
“So let me get this straight, you’re insulted because of your looks?” I was burning like hell over her latest theatrical performance.
“And your point?”
To be honest, although she had had such a major label in my life, I was alway
s ashamed of her mean streak and hateful behavior. And this, this was beyond just something to forget. But I didn’t want to deal with it now. Not now. Not when I was still feeling Shayna. Not when Erika’s insults against Shayna were tearing me up like hell.
Just as she’d gotten here, the phone had rung. Fortunately. Yeah, fortunately it had been the wedding planner. She’d been fighting with everyone over getting most of the money back that I’d paid out, even though I wasn’t worried about that shit.
So just when she started up on the phone, her anger with me had transferred elsewhere. I’d nodded and mouthed for her to give me a break before heading out of the basement door.
I was bogged down with so much crap. And as sorry as I felt over my Shayna issue, I couldn’t not notice the way I’d come alive with that damn kiss. But here was Erika, ready to come at me all over again. Not only had she approached me when I’d specifically asked her to give me a moment, she continued to press all the wrong buttons.
She stood close, like doing so would force a reaction. We were no more than six inches apart. I was literally cornered, though it wasn’t a feeling of fear gripping me.
I wanted to feel like shit as Erika kept repeating the same hate over and over and over again. She went on to accuse me of cheating on her with a nobody.
“Enough. No need to insult people you don’t know.” It took every bone in my body to stay calm as she threw insult after insult at someone she didn’t know. Someone who meant the world to me.
“Tell me the truth, Lucas. Did you cheat on me with her?”
“I never cheated. Never. No matter what. I’ve always believed that if you ever felt the need to cheat, your ass was in the wrong relationship.”
“So, we broke up because you wanted to cheat?”
“No, we broke up because it was the right thing to do. Hell, you were good with this decision.”
“Okay. Okay. So, you’re not choosing that awkward girl over me?”
“Awkward?” Whether I was right or wrong, Shay wasn’t just somebody. “I think you need to leave this alone.” I was seething deep down in my gut.
I stood there in silence and allowed the night air to cleanse my mind. “Erika, gimme a break to clear my head—”