I hadn’t thought he was serious. Or at least, I thought that he’d give us more time to get to know each other first. My jaw drops and my eyes open wide as I stare at him, pain fading as my brain struggles to work through the fog. “Tse, we can’t get married.”
He places his lips to my head, peering down through long dark eyelashes, a devilish twinkle in his eyes. “Why not?”
“We’ve never dated, never spoken about what we want out of life. We don’t know each other.”
“We might not have had a conventional relationship, but my soul calls to yours.” As I’m stunned into silence by his poetic words, he continues. “I can’t let you go, Mariana. I’ve claimed you in front of my club.”
“I thought that was only to get them to help you.”
“Definitely not,” he protests. He takes in a breath audibly. “I can’t explain it, but I feel a connection to you. I think we’d be good together.”
I can’t deny I’m attracted to him. But what would I know? He’s the first man who’s paid me any attention, or who I’ve allowed to get close. “I’m not saying I’d never marry you, but I can’t say that now. I can’t make a commitment when I don’t know what’s going to happen to me…”
“Mariana,” he lifts my hand and places it over his heart. “I know what I want, I want you. As for the timing, well. As soon as we’re married, I can sponsor you to get a green card.”
His casual approach makes me angry. “That’s stereotypical, isn’t it? Marry to get citizenship. And even if that was what I wanted, I’ve been deported. And returned illegally. It won’t work, Tse, whether we’re married or not.”
“I’m trying to find a way around that. You weren’t deported legally, Mariana. You didn’t have your day in front of the judge. He tried to get the plane back, but it had already landed.” When I look at him in confusion, he shakes his head. “Forgot, babe. You couldn’t have known what happened. Mix-up? Nah, you were on the wrong transport because someone was bribed to put you there. People paid to divert the plane. When it all went to shit, that’s how we knew something was wrong.”
I’d had my suspicions, but now he’s confirmed it. “My father was behind it?”
“Had to have been,” he admits, his lips thinning.
My leg is throbbing again, but I refuse to give in. This discussion is too important. “I can’t marry you, Tse. We’d have to prove we were living together as husband and wife. I’m not sure…”
“Won’t be any hardship on my part, Mariana.” His eyes flare with desire.
He’s so masculine he frightens me. He’s talking about something he’s probably done many times before. An act I hadn’t allowed myself to think about, not when I couldn’t let anyone in. The things I saw in that dungeon, men rutting with unwilling women, are my only experience of sex. Tse is overbearing. If we could date, take things slow… But jumping into marriage? Would he expect me to leap into his bed? My mouth twists. Not that I’m capable of leaping anywhere at the moment.
Not for the first time, he seems to read my mind. “Mariana, what we do, when we do it, is all up to you. I told you in Colombia, I’d never hurt you, or force you, or expect more than you want to give. If we have to pretend in other ways, we will. I want you with me, living beside me. I want to keep you safe.” He indicates to where my bandaged thigh is under the sheet. “You need time to heal before we even think of doing anything physical. You need time to get your mobility back. Let me help you.”
“I want to go back to the trailer…”
It’s then he tells me it’s trashed. He explains that while my father’s on the loose, it would be dangerous for me to be on my own. That because they blew up the compound, my father is ruined, and it’s likely he blames me. That shot didn’t kill me. The next one might. He gives me a lot to think about, so much that at last I use the morphine pump, just to get the thoughts swirling around my brain to stop.
Next time I awake, Drew’s come to visit. It’s unfair, but my brother’s relationship with Tse surprises me, and makes me a little jealous. When he comes through the door they exchange fist bumps and back slaps before Tse tactfully leaves us alone. It’s easy to see Drew looks up to him, admires him, treats him as a cross between an older brother and a father, neither of which he’s ever known. Tse seems to fill a gap in his life that I never even knew he had.
Drew’s easy acceptance of him, and his eagerness for a legal union between Tse and myself, starts me thinking differently. When Drew’s eyes fill with tears at the thought of me being deported again, I realise I need to do everything I can to prevent that. If that means tying myself to a man I don’t really know, perhaps I should?
I spend eight days in that hospital. I’d expected to leave on my own two legs, instead the damage to my nerves means I’ll need to use a combination of crutches and a wheelchair. I was only cleared for release when I demonstrated I could use crutches on stairs. Bad leg down first, good leg up. Down to hell and up to heaven, the nurse said to remind me.
The doctor wanted to send me to rehab. Being here was exposure enough. At times I feel so angry, I’d worked so hard to keep my DACA status, my father took away my chance to become a permanent resident by arranging for me to be deported before I had my day in court. Now I’m truly illegal, I can’t take chances.
It took a meeting between the doctor and Peg, the burly sergeant-at-arms for the club, to persuade him that the compound was equipped and Peg experienced enough to provide the physical therapy I was going to need. I heard talk of flexion of foot, passive knee extensions and straight leg raises, which luckily seemed to mean something to Peg.
Peg’s visit and intervention with the doctor resonated with me. When Tse said his brothers would be looking out for me, he meant it. Before leaving, Peg had come over to me, his tall frame seeming to tower over the bed. “You’ll be safe with us,” he promised.
Safe. I don’t know, and if Tse does he isn’t telling me, how much of a threat my father still is. He’s alive, and on the loose. Would he really be able to send men after me again? Or has his empire been decimated? And if he comes for me, what about Drew? It’s him he’s really after.
The night before I leave the hospital, I speak once again to the man who’s barely left my side.
“Tse. Marrying you doesn’t guarantee anything,” I start. “But if that’s what you want, I will.” I wave him down as he starts to speak. “On one condition. I don’t think I, I…”
“You don’t want to consummate our relationship? Just pretend that we have,” he finishes for me. He gazes at me earnestly. “What I can promise is I’ll never force you. Trust me on that?”
While I’ve been in the hospital, I’ve gradually got more details of just how much time and effort Tse put in to finding and rescuing me, and have come to understand how he and his brothers had put their lives on the line just to get me away from my father. How could I not trust the man who could have died saving me? Who’s taken care of a boy who was nothing to him?
“I trust you.”
The next morning I go with Tse, back to his compound. When I get out of the truck, or rather, when Tse lifts me out, I find a wheelchair ready and waiting for me. A grinning Blade standing behind it.
Wishing I could explore by myself on two legs, I let Tse push me around, introducing me to my new surroundings, and to the women and remainder of the brothers who I haven’t yet met.
The compound is nothing like I expected. I thought bikers would live somewhere dull and dingy, not in an ex-vacation resort. There’s even a swimming pool as well as a gym. As I spy the equipment, I realise why Peg was so adamant he could help me.
The living accommodation is spacious. Drew and Tse have suites side by side. I know I disappointed him when I adamantly stated I’d be sharing with my brother, and not sleeping in his. Although it means I’ll be in close proximity with my brother, I’m not unhappy with the arrangement. Having half a king size bed is better than sleeping on the couch, which I did for years in that trailer. It
’s not as if Drew and I haven’t shared before, when my mom was with us, she’d sleep on the couch, Drew and I taking the small and only bedroom.
I’m surprised to find the compound full of women and children, there’s a five-year-old girl called Amy, Marcia’s twins Jacob and Isabel, Darcy’s boy Noah, Sophie’s girl Olivia, Sam’s handful of a toddler Eli, and Maya, who belongs to Joker and Lady. Sophie, Sam, and Slick’s wife Ella are all pregnant. It’s got a happy family vibe, and the women welcome me with open arms.
Drew seems particularly friendly with a girl here, Jayden, who’s only a year older than him. He sighs when he tells me she and one of the members will be leaving the compound soon. He seems disappointed, and I guess he may have a crush on the girl.
Tse hovers around as I meet each new face, intuitively knowing I’ll be feeling overwhelmed by all the attention. I try to learn everyone’s name, and which woman is with which man. But everyone is so kind and friendly, it’s not long before I start wondering why I was ever worried about coming here.
“Hey! It’s Wheels all over again.”
“Viper,” Tse growls.
A heavily pregnant Sophie comes over and slaps Viper’s arm. “Hey, that’s my handle.” Looking down at me, she explains, pointing at the wheelchair. “That was mine when I first came here. Peg got me back up on my feet, well, foot.” She laughs. “You’re in good hands with Peg.” Then she glares at Viper, before stepping away.
“What?” Viper raises his hands.
Tse bends down, “You wouldn’t know it, but Sophie’s got a false leg.”
Oh. He’s right. Watching her managing even though her belly’s so large she looks like she’ll topple over, I start to feel optimistic. At least my injury should heal, maybe I’ll be left with a slight limp, but if Sophie can manage, so can I.
I’ve only been here a few days when Sophie goes into labour. Her old man, Wraith, looks more worried than her when he takes her to the hospital. Included in their circle, I wait to hear the news, which seems to be a source of amusement to everyone when we hear she’s given birth to another girl.
There’s going to be quite an influx of babies on the compound. Sam’s due to give birth in a few weeks, Ella a couple of months later, and Rock’s woman, Becca, is pregnant too. It makes me wonder if there’s something in the water.
Watching the bikers with their old ladies makes it easier to understand how they pulled together to rescue me from Colombia. These men are fiercely protective. What I find so intense about Tse is mirrored in the rest of the guys. Slowly I begin to find him less domineering as I start to understand what drives him. It’s about protecting their way of life as much as the people on the compound.
“Hey, Ma.”
“Drew.” He comes over to where I’m sitting on the couch. I wrinkle my nose. “You stink,” I tell him.
“Yeah, just got back from Jacob’s. I’ll go shower in a moment.”
“How did it go?” Tse, coming over, asks.
“Got a headcollar on Niyol and groomed him,” my brother says proudly.
Tse slaps his back. “Good going, Buddy.” His expression suggests he’s impressed.
“You’re going to have to come and see him, Ma.”
I’ve heard so much about the stables Tse arranged for him to visit. First to give him something to think about while I was being rescued, and then simply because Drew enjoyed working with the horses so much. I’d love to meet Jacob as I’ve heard so much about him. Just got to get more mobile first.
“You ready, Mariana?”
As Peg’s loud voice booms out, I pull the crutches toward me, shake my head when Tse goes to help, and gingerly get myself vertical, offering a smile of success as I achieve it. Peg’s a hard taskmaster, but his help with the physical therapy is taking effect. I doubt if I’d have done any better in rehab.
As it turns out, when the trailer was trashed, Drew had looked for and found the box I’d kept hidden. It contained my precious social security card. A return visit to that trailer park by Tse had found my new driver’s licence had arrived in the mail.
Just like that, I had everything I needed to apply for a marriage licence.
The two weeks I’ve spent in the clubhouse have helped me feel slightly easier about the man I’ve agreed to tie myself to, but I remain convinced I was getting the better half of the bargain. The more I learn about him, the more I admire him. When he appears, my heart misses a beat at his sheer beauty. When he’s close, when he touches my hand, strokes my cheek, parts of me come alive. The way he treats Drew, the respect he has from his brothers, makes me appreciate him even more. That he’s an honourable man is obvious.
Everything I’ve learned about him both excites me and worries me. Despite his protestations to the contrary, I remain convinced he’s only marrying me as a step to try to make me a permanent resident. A way of fixing my problems, like he’s always been doing since that first day when he mended my car’s light. That somehow he’s taken responsibility for me, and in doing so, has persuaded himself he can make this work. That makes more sense than anything. I can’t deny there’s sexual attraction between us, even though I’m too nervous to admit mine to him, but why else would he want me? I’m nothing exceptional, whereas he would take any woman’s breath away. Ours has been as far from a conventional courtship as you could possibly imagine. Though my heart tells me I like him, more than that, already part of me loves him, but the future lies out long in front of us. How long would he be satisfied with a convenient wife he’s only married as a final step toward saving her? By agreeing, am I backing him into a corner? Will he soon start having regrets?
“You ready?”
He’s standing in the doorway to Drew’s room. I shake my head.
“What’s up, darlin’?” Coming over, he kneels in front of me.
Tears prick in the corners of my eyes. “Whenever I thought of getting married...” My voice falters. I hadn’t really considered it at all. Knowing my future was so uncertain I couldn’t plan anything.
He completes my sentence for me. “You thought you’d have a man in front of you on his knees.” He grins, looks at the position he’s in, and changes slightly so he’s now on one knee. “Mariana, will you do me the honour of becoming my ol’ lady, my wife?”
“You can’t want me,” I whisper, wishing this could be real.
“Oh, sweetheart. I want you enough to ask you to marry me. The question is, do you want me?”
Do I? I don’t know tears are running down my face until he wipes them away. It’s only then I look at him, see the question in his face. Read the expression in his eyes. He’s hurting. I’m still uncertain, but the thought I’d be disappointing him if I said no, drives me to give him his answer.
“Yes.”
Leaning forward, he plants a soft kiss to my forehead. Then his strong arms pull me up and hold me as he passes me my crutches. “Let’s go do this, then.”
It’s simple enough. We drive into Tucson, show the necessary identification, obtain the marriage licence. The next day we go down to the city again and quietly get married in the registry office. No fanfare or celebration.
We’re silent on the journey back to the clubhouse. Tse parks the truck, kills the engine, then turns to me.
“Mariana.” He holds up my hand, admiring the simple band he put there, and kisses the back of my hand. “My wife.” It may be his reverent tone, or the heated look in his eye, but his touch sends tingles through my body. “Will you move into my room, now?”
My eyes fly to his. Move into his room?
Seeing my consternation, he leans down and murmurs, “Keeping my promise, darlin’. Not going to move this on before you’re ready. Appearance is important, remember? No one needs to know what we do or don’t do behind closed doors.”
He doesn’t straighten, his lips are inches from mine. I hold my breath, wondering if he’s going to kiss me, like he did that one time in Colombia. I’ve tried hard to put it to the back of my mind, but now I’
m undecided. If he tries to kiss me again, should I pull away? Respond? A strange shiver runs down my spine, and there’s a throbbing, like an itch I can’t scratch. I’ll let him.
He pulls back, stares at me for a moment, and then states as if it’s a foregone conclusion, “We’ll get your clothes moved later.”
I’m in a state of shock, realising I hadn’t thought through the implications of that hastily spoken ‘yes’ the day before or the vows I took today.
I follow his lead as he goes first into the clubhouse, he walks to the bar and holds up our joined hands. Light reflects off the new gold bands we’re both wearing. Muted congratulations are given and received. A hug for us both from Drew. It’s the least celebrated wedding in history. As Blade gets Tse’s attention, I turn away, a feeling of shame coming over me. Everyone knows this is a sham.
What they don’t know is what’s slowly been creeping up on me. My soul-deep longing that this could be real. For Tse to feel as much for me as I do for him. But surely I’m only feeling gratitude, how could it be anything else? However much I tell myself that, as I sneak a look at the man conversing animatedly with Blade, I know I don’t deserve him.
Tse could have anyone he wanted. In the long term, he’s not going to settle for me. I don’t feel ready to give up my virginity when I believe it would just be meaningless sex for him. It might not even be long before he gets fed up with me not putting out. I’m not blind, I’ve seen the sweet butts, seen the single men going off with them. He might have said his vows, but men have needs. Needs I can’t meet.
“So you’ve made an honest man out of Mouse.” Sam, Drummer’s heavily pregnant wife has joined me. She nods at Allie, one of the sweet butts minding the bar tonight, and swiftly has a soda in her hand. “What do you want to drink?”
I’m not even twenty-one, I haven’t tried alcohol before, and having noticed Tse doesn’t drink, have already decided I’ll probably follow his example. “A soda, please.”
Allie smiles as she passes it over. “Congratulations, I didn’t think anyone was going to be good enough for Mouse.” She sounds sincere.
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