by Susan Fox
“I agree. But I do want this one. I believe in it. I’ve just been too gutless to go after it.” She narrowed her eyes. “It was another self-fulfilling prophecy, you know? We created these stereotypes about you being a klutz and me not being so smart.”
“I’d never thought of it that way. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, we did it to each other. But I bought into it, Ev. Thought I didn’t have any business sense. Well, I’m not that bad. I ran the ranch for Pa for more than a year.”
He pushed himself up to a sitting position, too, wadding pillows behind his back. “And there’s nothing wrong with asking for help.”
“No.” Why hadn’t she before? Had she been scared to try too hard in case she failed? Or afraid reality wouldn’t live up to the dream? It was a heck of a lot easier to dream than to put the effort into making something work. It was a lot safer than taking the risk. If not for Evan, she might never have figured this out.
She’d once suggested that he had to come back to Caribou Crossing to find himself. Maybe she’d needed him to come back so she could find herself, too. “You’re right. I talked to Dave on the weekend and he’s going to help me.”
“Oh. Well, that’s good.” He looked taken aback.
Dang, she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. “I know you offered, too, and that was really sweet. But it’d be so impractical, with you in New York and me here.”
“It’s all right, Jess,” he said evenly, crossing his arms over his bare chest. “You don’t have to make up excuses. You already said you didn’t want my help. I’m just glad you weren’t too proud to ask for help from someone.”
Oh yes, he was definitely hurt.
“I’ll provide a few guidelines,” he said coolly. “I’m sure Dave is exceptionally capable, but I doubt he’s ever put together a proposal for this kind of funding.”
“That would be great, Ev,” she said meekly, hoping that Dave would at least deign to look at the material Evan was going to send.
“There’s an idea you—the two of you—might consider,” he said slowly. “If you want to provide scholarships to people who can’t afford to attend but could seriously benefit, you might look into setting up a charitable foundation. Instead of, or as well as, running it as a business.”
She frowned in puzzlement as he spoke, his voice gathering animation and speed as he went on. “With a charity, what you’d be offering people like Gianni and Elena isn’t an investment that will give them a return, but a tax deduction that will save them money. Plus, if they want it, involvement in doing something worthwhile.”
Her eyes widened as she tried to take this in. “Like that Gimme a Break Foundation you talked about.” Excitement sparked inside her. “That sounds amazing. Would a businessman like Gianni really go for something like that?”
“Many do.” He glanced away, and his tone was formal again when he said, “You and Dave can discuss it with him.”
His arms were still crossed over his chest, but that didn’t stop her from reaching for his hand. “Evan, thank you. This is brilliant. I knew there was a problem with my business model, and that’s one reason I could never figure out a solid plan. I didn’t want it to be all about making money, yet I needed to attract investors. Getting people to donate to a charity is a way different thing. And I’d love to involve people like Gianni and Elena in the planning, and in deciding who gets the scholarships. Maybe they could be on the board?” New ideas crowded her mind, energizing her.
As she gushed on, his hand lay warm and unmoving in hers.
Then, slowly, he threaded his fingers through hers. “I’ve set up a number of these kinds of foundations. The offer of help is open anytime—to you, and to Dave. It would mean a lot to me to help you achieve your dream.”
So much that he’d even work with Dave. She stared into his eyes, trying to understand. And then suddenly she did. Evan did love her and this was as close as he could come to acknowledging it. They might never again be together as a couple, but he wanted to offer her a loving gift.
She leaned over and touched her lips to his. “Thank you. So much.”
She thought about the joy and pain of working with Evan. Would he visit again? Would they make love again? She wanted so much from this man. Then she thought about what a coward she’d been in pursuing her dreams. And not just her career ones.
When she was a teenager, pregnant by the love of her life, what had she done? Copped out, rather than tell Evan. She’d never given him—them—a chance.
Here she was again, in love with that one special man, and ready to let him walk away without telling him how she felt. She had never said the words to him.
Jess bowed her head, feeling ill prepared. She was sweaty and tousled, she had mauve bags under her eyes, and her dang legs were stubbly. Cynthia would have been perfectly groomed, wearing some fetching concoction of silk and lace. But Evan had broken up with Cynthia. He’d made love with plain-old Jess Bly Cousins. He’d even stripped off her day-old socks and grubby jeans to do it.
She straightened her spine and looked him in the eye. She took a deep breath, then said it: “I love you, Evan.”
His mouth opened, and then his face went expressionless. She knew this look. It meant he was processing information, analyzing, and deciding how to react. Damn! She wished he would just, for once, react with his heart rather than his brain.
“I love you, too, Jess,” he said carefully, and she knew it wasn’t going to be all right. “I always have. You’re a . . . special friend and I’m so glad we’ve found each other again. And sharing tonight has been really . . . special. Another wonderful gift.”
He was sending a clear message. Maybe she should accept it gracefully. That’s what the old, cowardly Jess would have done.
She took another deep breath. “I love you that way, too, Ev. But I love you another way. That once-in-a-lifetime way. I know it would be difficult, but we could make it work.”
His expression didn’t change: flat and controlled.
She was going to have her say, whatever the cost. For once, Evan Kincaid was going to know exactly how she felt. “I want you to stay. I know you love Manhattan, but you fit in really well here. You’ve had a good time—I’ve seen you. You’re planning to move your business in a new direction, so do it here. It wouldn’t be so high powered, but you’d find plenty of challenges. We could have a wonderful life. Stay.”
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Then he gave a sigh that moved through his whole body. “I’m flattered, Jess. Honored. But my home is in New York, just as yours is here.”
Was her home really here? Or was it with Evan? How could she ask him to move from the place he loved if she wasn’t prepared to do the same thing?
She weighed her love for Caribou Crossing against her love for Evan, testing the competing aches in her heart. “I honestly don’t know if I could live in New York, but I’d try. If you wanted me. We could work out something with Robin and Dave—”
“No!” He shook his head violently. “No, Jess, don’t even think about it. You and Robin belong here. You’re . . . wild roses.”
His gaze met hers, his eyes as sad as the ache in her heart. “As for love—well, I’ve never cared for anyone as much as you, but I’m not sure I even know what love is.”
He reached out to touch her cheek. “You’ll always be so special to me. I’d do anything for you. I want you to be happy, Jess.”
She was going to fight this one to the end, bitter or sweet. “Being with you makes me happy.”
Evan closed his eyes.
He was wrong, just plain wrong. Why couldn’t he see it? “And being with me makes you happy. Doesn’t it?”
“Yes, but—”
“Give yourself—give us—a chance. Let yourself love, Evan. I know it’s inside you.” She felt like she was pleading for her life.
“Jess, you belong here and my life is in New York.”
A life where he worked too hard at a job that didn’t bring him ful
fillment. A life where he had acquaintances rather than friends. She bit her lip and held back the comments. She didn’t want to sound spiteful. Besides, it was clear she’d lost. He wasn’t ready—maybe wasn’t able—to open his heart. She felt sorry for Evan, maybe even more than for herself.
She would have cried, but she’d run out of tears tonight.
Jess removed his hand from her cheek, kissed the palm, wrapped his fingers around the kiss, and gave his hand back to him. “I understand. At least this time I tried, rather than run away.”
She glanced at the bedside clock. Almost dawn. And she was glad. Her night with Evan was definitely over. Right now she was calm, but she sensed it was the lull before the storm. No way would she fall apart in front of him. She slid out of bed. “I have to go.”
He bit his lip.
Methodically, she gathered the clothes he had removed earlier.
“Jess, I . . .”
She pressed the snap buttons of her shirt together, remembering how he’d pulled them open. “I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”
The storm was approaching, her eyes growing damp. She yanked on her boots and headed for the door.
Behind her, she heard him say, “I’m sorry.”
Sorry. What a pathetic word. Keeping a tight grip on her frayed emotions, Jess drove to the hospital, compelled to see her daughter. Robin, sleeping, looked unusually pale in the artificial light. Dave slept beside her bed, and Evan’s blood coursed through her veins, her two fathers protecting her. Jess bent to kiss her forehead.
Rob’s eyelids twitched. Slowly, her eyes opened and focused. “Mom? Can I go home?”
“Not yet, hon. How do you feel?”
Robin shrugged, winced, said stoically, “No biggie.” She yawned. “Where’s Dad?”
“Sleeping right over there. You go back to sleep now.”
“Okay,” Robin mumbled. “Don’t forget to feed Concha and Pepper.” She was asleep before Jess could answer.
Feeling reassured and more grounded, Jess drove home. She gave herself a mental pat on the back for courage. She refused to let the tears come, or to feel stupid. She had not made a fool of herself, and she knew Evan loved her as much as he would let himself.
Too bad it wasn’t enough....
When she neared the ranch, she turned the engine off and let the truck coast to a halt. She eased into the silent house. She was so tired, and her body ached in places that hadn’t hurt in years. In the shower she stood motionless, letting the hot water cascade over her. When the tears came, she closed her eyes and lifted her face to the spray.
She had lost him. Again.
Though she told herself friendship was much better than nothing at all, right now it felt like hollow comfort. She wanted Evan Kincaid—heart, soul, and mind—forever more.
She had cried so much in the last few days that the wellspring soon ran dry. When she twisted the taps off and reached for a towel, she felt shaky, shivery. Well, to hell with feeling like crap. She refused to give in to it.
Jess scrubbed the towel across her body, rubbing hard, bringing pink heat to her skin. She reminded herself that she was brave and strong. Her life was so full, so rich, even if she would never have a man to love. She had her family, her friends, and she would damned well have her “Riders Boot Camp,” with that cowboy boot logo Robin had designed.
She strode into her bedroom and selected one of her nicest embroidered cowboy shirts and, because they were spunky just like her, the red dress cowboy boots she wore when she went dancing.
She collected some things for Robin, then went downstairs. The kitchen smelled of bacon and coffee as Jess walked in.
Her mom turned from the stove. “How’s Robin?”
“Doing well. She’ll be pretty much out of commission for a while, but the doc says she’ll be fine.”
Her mother enveloped her in a hug. Those damned tears threatened again, and Jess pulled away to pour a mug of coffee.
Her dad, who’d been sitting at the kitchen table with his own mug of coffee, said, “That’s what the hospital said when we called. Glad to know it’s true. A splenectomy sounded pretty serious.”
He shook his head. “Rob’s topped even you, Jess. I haven’t been so scared since the time Ranger balked at that fence and you went flying over.”
“I didn’t break a bone,” Jess boasted.
“You concussed yourself,” her mother reminded her.
“Oh yeah, I forgot.”
Her parents exchanged amused glances.
“Didn’t hear you come in,” her father said.
She tried not to blush. “I snuck in so I wouldn’t wake you.”
“You look tired,” her mother said. “Better make it an early one tonight.”
“You bet I will.”
Her mother whipped plates of scrambled eggs and bacon onto the table. “Wade, get moving with the toast.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, sticking four slices of multigrain bread into the toaster and flipping down the switch.
Jess picked up a strip of crisp bacon and nibbled it. “I hate it that I have to work today. I want to be at the hospital with Rob.”
“I’m going in when we finish breakfast,” her mom said.
“I’ll come over, too,” her pa said, “as soon as I give the ranch hands instructions for the day’s work.”
“We’ll watch over her,” her mother assured her. “And I’m betting her dad’ll be there, too.”
Her dad. Dave.
The doctor had suggested he go home and get some sleep last night, but he’d flat out refused. Yes, Dave would definitely be there to reassure himself Robin was all right. He blamed himself for her accident and would turn even more overprotective, which would make Robin chafe. Jess heaved a sigh.
Her mother touched her hand. “You go to work, honey, and don’t worry about a thing.”
Go to work and see Evan. Her heart lurched. Could she handle it?
Then she took a deep breath. Of course. And he’d do his best to make it easy on her. They’d be awkward with each other, but it would wear off. By now they’d been through enough that she knew both of them wanted to be friends, forever.
The fact that she longed for them to be so much more was something she’d deal with. She was an expert at facing reality, focusing on the positive, putting on a brave face. She lifted her chin. “By the way, I haven’t told you about Madisun Joe. Ev’s going to put her through university. I went with him to talk to her parents so they’d understand he’s not some kind of pervert.”
Her father whistled. “That’s generous of him.”
“He’s a good boy,” her mom said.
“Man,” she corrected. Evan really was a man now. He was open-minded and flexible; he cared about other people and wanted to help them. He was a man who was worthy of her love, even if he didn’t know what to do with it.
“Madisun deserves a break,” her mother went on. “But I’m surprised her father agreed. Her income’s important to that family.”
“Ev’s going to make sure she has money to send home.”
Her mom smiled. “Yes, I suppose he would.”
Jess drained her mug. Still needing caffeine, she got up to refill it. “It’s important she get out of that house as soon as possible. Her father hits her. She never told me, but she opened up to Evan.”
“Damn!” Her father whacked the table with his fist.
“Makes you want to go and punch him out, doesn’t it, Pa?”
“It does. Or at least call the police.”
“Madisun’s getting out.”
“There are other kids,” he said grimly, and her mother came to stand behind him, resting her hands on his shoulders.
“I know. Evan told him there’d be no money if he harmed Mrs. Joe or the kids, but we should keep an eye on them.”
“Damn right.”
She studied her father’s determined face and, above it, her mother’s firm jaw.
At the moment she might feel like hell,
but life really did have its wonderful moments. “I love you two, you know.”
Chapter Sixteen
In the morning, Evan felt groggy from lack of sleep, and totally confused. Too much had happened in the last few hours.
He had a daughter. Jess had asked him to stay. She’d offered to come to New York. They’d become lovers.
She’d said she loved him.
His daughter was in the hospital after major surgery, and he’d yet to meet her. Probably never would.
Shaking his head, he stumbled to the bathroom for a shower, starting with hot water, then edging it over to cold in hopes it would help him make sense of the mess in his mind. It didn’t.
The easiest thing would be to catch a cab to the airport and wait for the next flight out of here. That’s what the old Evan would have done.
Instead he dressed in clean jeans and a fresh shirt and went over to gaze out the glass balcony doors. Sunlight filtered through the trees. He opened the sliding door to catch the fresh scent of morning. A rat-a-tat sounded some distance away, but he didn’t see his woodpecker. Everything was so peaceful in contrast to the turmoil inside him. Barefoot, he walked out on the deck and took a deep breath.
“Morning, Evan,” a voice called softly.
He glanced next door to see Ann, sitting on her own balcony with her feet propped up on the railing. “Morning.”
“We missed you last night.”
“Sorry. Something came up unexpectedly and . . .” He shrugged, hoping she wouldn’t pursue the matter.
“It was another great evening. It’s going to be hard to leave.”
It would be. So much harder than ten years ago. “Yeah.”
“Right now I’ve half a mind to chuck it all and move here. Set up a family practice. But I suspect, once I get back home, I’ll change my mind. It’s tempting, though.”
“Yes, it is.” He wasn’t lying. “Remember the first couple of days, when George kept saying this place got into your blood?”
“Now we’re as annoying as he was.”
This was nice, hanging out on the deck and chatting casually to Ann. Putting off the moment when he had to face Jess.