by John Booth
I shrugged, from what Lana had told me about her relationship with her father that shouldn’t bother her.
“She plans to humiliate my father by making you look stupid and barbarian.”
“Me?”
Lana leaned over to stare in my eyes. “Which will be pretty easy; given how stupid and barbarian you are.”
“I am not a barbarian,” I said.
“The story of how Tiera had to show you how to use the toilet is all over the house.”
I laughed. Just couldn’t help myself. Because it was funny, and partly true.
Lana glared at me. “In one version doing the rounds you had to be shown how to wipe your bottom, because barbarians never do.”
That sobered me up. I didn’t want anyone going round slagging off the Welsh. We have our pride.
“I still don’t see how my behavior can humiliate your father.”
“Fandra has arranged a party at noon with you as the guest of honor. My father was also invited, and the way that was organized, he has no choice but to attend. As my father’s firstborn, my choices affect his standing. And that includes my choice of man. There are people at that party primed to make you look like a buffoon.”
“Jake does not usually need outside help,” Esta put in. Lana turned on her.
“This is not a joke. You have no idea what this could lead to.”
It all seemed very simple to me.
“I’ll go home. Tell them I had a family emergency. Problem solved.”
“She anticipated that. Part of the propaganda doing the rounds is that my father has asked you to leave. If you go, it will be seen as weakness on his part.”
Lana looked so upset and there really was no reason.
“Okay. I will turn up, be the perfect sophisticated guest and knock the wind right out of her sails.”
Esta giggled for a few seconds. Then she realized I was serious.
“How much time do we have?” she asked Lana.
“A couple of hours. No more.”
“We could dress him up. Do you know the latest fashions here?”
Lana shook her head. “It wouldn’t work. Clothing, skin, eyes and hair color have to match and the DNA pills take a couple of days to do their job.”
“Can I say something?”
The girls ignored me. Lana started creating images of me in different clothes which Esta then modified, trying out different styles. The girls could not agree on anything.
“Ladies,” I shouted. The images vanished and the girls stared at me.
“I can’t mimic local clothing. I’d look out of place and everyone would know it.”
Lana shook her head. “Jeans, trainers, a tee shirt and leather jacket would not go down well. You would look like a laborer.”
“I have formal dress in Salice. I don’t like wearing it, but I know how to.”
Lana made shooing motions. “Go and get it then.”
I got out of bed.
“And put some clothes on. You might traumatize a child, dangling all over the place like that.”
I sighed and my clothes appeared around me. I hopped to Salice.
I returned in full Salice High Wizard regalia. To those raised on Earth the nearest description would be a Zorro costume, complete with floppy hat and enormous feather. The rapier at my side was pretty cool, and in recent years I had learnt to walk without tripping over it. I have hated this costume for years, but familiarity has bred a grudging respect.
Esta’s jaw dropped and she put her hand over her mouth before collapsing in laughter on the bed. Lana looked as though someone had tasered her. These were not the reactions I had anticipated.
Lana recovered first. “It suits him and he is somehow managing to carry it off. Even with that feather.”
Esta smiled. “If he went to a ball on my world wearing that, the men would want to kill him and the women marry him. I want to marry him as it is and I know what a bastard he is.”
Lana nodded. “I am going to have sex with him wearing that. Pity there isn’t time to do it now.”
Esta came over to me and took my hand before asking me to turn round slowly. She let go of my hand and touched my jacket with her finger as I turned.
Lana pushed her aside, “I have to teach you all about etiquette on my world. While I can give you the knowledge in a second, the timing is an art form.”
“I am married to the Heir to the throne of Salice,” I stated in as firm a way as I could. “I am skilled in the arts of diplomacy because I have had to be.”
The girls looked unimpressed.
25. Party
Do not gawk at the weird people. Do not gawk at the weird people.
The mantra drummed into me by Esta had the desired effect and as we came through the door I kept my gaze in neutral, looking into the gathering with feigned disinterest.
Conversation stopped as the three of us became visible to those inside. Heads turned and eyes focused on me.
It was a large room, though not unduly so, given the size of the other rooms I’d seen. Lana had described this as a small intimate gathering of family and close friends, but there must have been a hundred and fifty people huddled into groups of less than eight. Curved partitions cut the floor into zones where they could talk with a semblance of privacy, but the partitions were less than shoulder height and the entrance was much higher than room level, so everyone was able to get a good look at us before we went down the stairs.
There was no announcer and no fanfare of trumpets, so it was a little less formal than attending a ball in Salice. Nevertheless, I tried not to fidget with my sword as Lana stood quietly in front, obviously expecting somebody to come and greet her.
“Protectors First, Lady Lana d’Fallon,” a man in livery stated. “Lady Fandra will see you now.”
He led the way and I took my position at the back of our group. Lana calculated that this would disconcert the watchers, especially if I took up my position with panache. I was not at all sure I could do panache, but I could do Welsh Cool with no trouble at all. So they would have to settle for that.
I used magic sight to assess the audience, there being no doubt that was their role. They were here to witness my indiscretions as a barbarian buffoon. They had not gone back to talking, but were tracking me with their eyes like radars.
I had never seen so much absurd clothing in one place before, and I speak as a man who has attended royal banquets in Salice and dress-up performances of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Wales.
Lana was right about them matching clothing to skin and hair color. These people accentuated their bodily features through their clothes. Not that all the women wore clothes, some wore nothing but body paint, assuming it was body paint. I gained confidence as we walked. If this was a fancy dress party I would have won best male costume hands down.
We stopped in front of a group of four people. Esta moved to stand to the left of Lana as I took up position on her right. We had practiced this move minutes before we arrived.
“My favorite niece,” a Nubian woman with shocking blonde hair said graciously. Her eyes were an unlikely shade of green.
“Aunt Fandra, it is good to see you looking so magnificent.”
“This?” Fandra looked at her arms. “It is distinctive, isn’t it? You have worn that skin and hair color for years. I am surprised you haven’t changed.”
“It suits my personality, Auntie, a small constant in a changing multiverse.”
“And you have brought along your little heathen friends to entertain us. Will you not introduce us?”
That was the cue I’d been waiting for. There was an audible gasp as I stepped forward and went down on one knee.
“Lady d’Fallon is a noble on her world, but I am a prince on mine and will introduce myself. I am the Lord Wizard Morrissey, husband to the Heir of Salice and Lord Protector to that Kingdom. I am the Representative to the Conference Between the Words for the Valhallan Empire, favored of the Elves and a friend to Dragons.”
There were a few titters from those listening. Apparently Elves and Dragons were fairy-tales in d’Tachi, but Lana was confident that with the multiverse being so large, they would tread carefully before they called me a liar.
Fandra laughed, though I could see she was puzzled and a little angry. “And what do your friends call you?”
“My friends and enemies call me Jake, but my enemies rarely get the chance to say it more than once.”
There was laughter and a smattering of applause.
“You converse with dragons?” Fandra asked; a smirk on her lips.
I waved my hand and a lifelike image of Fluffy flew over their heads, spurting dragonfire. Most ducked, one of the men screamed. The image vanished.
“That was an image of Lord Retnor, Ambassador to the Balmack Empire and my close friend. I had to scale his likeness down a little as this room is so small.”
“Such tricks may scare primitives, but the d’Tachi are not so easily impressed.”
I offered my hand to Fandra. “If you would like to see him in person, just take my hand.”
She stepped back from my hand as if it was a snake.
The sound of slow handclapping filled the room. One pair of hands and yet the sound was subtly enhanced. I stood and turned to find an impressive looking man some distance away, his skin was the color of ebony, he clapped as he walked slowly towards us.
Lana dropped to one knee and bowed her head.
“Rise my first born,” he said softly. “While you sometimes anger me, I have never been disappointed in you.”
He stopped when he reached me and held out his hand.
“I have seen dragons before, but I would like to shake your hand without the journey you promised my sister. My name is Alan d’Fallon and you were invited here to make me look like a fool. I am glad that did not happen.”
I took his hand and a squeezing contest took place. The man used magic, but I used more and he lost.
However, he then stared me in the eye and I quickly lost that contest.
He said, “A draw I think,” and laughed.
Fandra had recovered herself.
“Alan, you cannot think I planned to make sport of the lad. He is the first man that Lana has ever brought home to us.”
“He is not the first lad Lana has introduced me too, though he is certainly the first man.”
Alan turned to his daughter. “I do not have the time to talk to you now, but bring your friends to my house for supper tonight.” Lana nodded.
“Fandra, you and I have urgent business to discuss.”
Fandra nodded and indicated he should follow her.
The guests went back to talking and not one of them looked in our direction.
Lana hugged my arm. “You did brilliantly,” she said and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“You didn’t tell me your father was a wizard.”
“Shush, no one is supposed to know.”
“He certainly has the most impressive skin color,” I said quietly.
“That is his natural color, he distains DNA cooking. It’s also mine, but it doesn’t go with being blonde.”
“I’d like to see you looking like that someday,” I said, kissing her hair.
“In your dreams,” she whispered back.
26. Journey
It was late in the afternoon before we left the party. Lana made a point of taking me to every single one of the groups of people and introducing me to them. Some were interested in me and asked questions, some were rude and a small number were downright hostile.
When we were safely back in Lana’s room I took Lana to task over it.
“What was the point of all that? Showing me off like your prize monkey.”
“It informed them that we have the upper hand.”
“It did? I can now say with certainty that I have been insulted by experts.”
Esta laughed, “Surely you have been insulted by experts before?”
I smiled.
“Okay, I will concede the point, but it doesn’t mean I enjoy it.”
Lana took my hand. “I am sorry. There was a lot of positioning going on. Nobody hated you. They were just revealing their hand in the game. By meeting each and every one of them, we were saying: ‘We do not need or seek your approval and you do not frighten us.’ It’s just politics.”
“Next time I want a score card.” I was tired and the Zorro costume was beginning to itch.
“Will your Aunt hate us now?” Esta asked.
Lana laughed. “My father honored her by inviting her to talk, even as he made clear he understood the game she had played. If anything, her standing will have been enhanced by that. He has conceded that she is a worthy adversary.”
I shook my head. “I prefer barbarian worlds where people come at you with swords. At least you can tell who the enemy is.”
“Can you?” Esta asked. “I am often unsure.”
Okay, she had a point, but you were allowed to hit the people coming at you with swords and that was the important thing.
“Your father invited us to supper. Is that a good thing?” I asked.
Lana gave me a challenging look. “Since you are here on Bronwyn’s bidding, I suppose it must be.”
Esta looked shocked. “I thought you came to be with us?”
I blushed. “I did. It’s just that Esmeralda thinks that me speaking to your father is preferable to Bronwyn starting a war.” I looked at Lana. “How did you know?”
Lana pulled me towards her and kissed me on the nose like I was a little boy.
“Because Esmeralda is right and I knew you would work it out for yourself, one way or the other. You also suggested you wear your wizard costume and you have mentioned how much you hate it so many times.”
Esta nodded, as if what Lana had said made perfect sense. “I did not think he would ever wear it for us.”
That was it. The Zorro costume ended up lying on the bed as I magicked my normal clothes onto me.
“That is his chance of sex gone for tonight,” Lana said.
“The threesome too,” Esta agreed.
I considered a change back, but I’ve known these women for too long.
“You say that now, but you don’t mean it.”
“You will never know for sure,” Lana said airily.
It was late evening before we made a move. Lana had briefed me on how to talk to her father in endless detail, but the words had flown over my head and gone to wherever lectures go. He would have to deal with me as I was.
Lana disentangled herself from us and got up from the sofa. “Supper will start in about an hour, so we had best make a move.”
“It only takes a second to hop,” Esta pointed out.
Lana sighed. “We have to go by technological means. Everybody knows we are going and that we are wizards. It will be seen as insulting to the d’Tachi Federation if we hop there. I told you, the d’Tachi have no time for magic.”
One of the things about learning a language by magic is that it is only when you search for a word like ‘car’ that you find there isn’t one. The word that came to mind instead was ‘train.’
“I’ve arranged for transport,” Lana said. “Come on or we’ll be late.”
The reception room of Fandra’s house opened onto an impressive stone plaza. There were three other equally impressive building on each side and four wide pathways cutting across the plaza making it into a square. There was a glass and steel cylinder object that that had the look of transport at the top of a set of stone steps.
As we followed Lana up the steps and more of it came into view I could see a circular sofa behind the glass. The cylinder rested on a stone groove. To front and back of it was empty air with a twenty foot drop to the ground.
As Lana approached, the cylinder’s previously invisible glass doors slid open. A female voice announced. “Lana d’Fallon and guests to be taken to FalconNest.”
“Go to the Family Entrance,” Lana said.
“Confirmed.”
We got on board. “This is some kind of train?” I asked.
“Not like on Whydar,” Lana explained. “This is a coach that will join to other coaches in transit as required.”
Well that made perfect sense, I don’t think. The sofa split to give us access, and as soon as we sat down it joined back together so we were facing each other.
We took off. Not that I felt any sense of acceleration, but my magic sense of where I was shifted as did the scene outside.
“No rails?” I asked.
We had reached a hundred feet or so off the ground and our speed increased. A shadow flicked across us.
Lana explained. “There are hoops, I suppose a mile apart. Force fields keep us in a narrow lane and deaden the sound of our passage. We are currently travelling a little faster than sound.”
The landscape was certainly rushing past. We had already cleared the city and travelled through farm land. There was a soft thumping sound and other coaches appeared in front of us and behind.
“The coaches can travel faster as a group,” Lana said, “We are probably travelling at twice the speed of sound by now.”
There were more gentle thumps as we joined a busier route and trains appeared to either side.
“It’s quite frightening,” Esta said. I noticed she had grabbed her legs and was sitting huddled up.
“There hasn’t been a fatality in years. Trains do crash sometimes, but this chair is part of a protection system that could survive an atomic explosion.”
Judging by the way Esta huddled up tighter; Lana’s words were not having the desired effect.
There was a sudden series of thumps as we crossed lanes before shooting away from the main body of coaches. I saw Esta project all sorts of magic fields around her, which didn’t go down well with the seat protection system. Alarms sounded.
“Esta, stop it,” Lana slapped Esta across the face and the magic vanished. A few seconds later the alarms faded.
“There was a minor problem, which has now been resolved,” the female voice told us. “We hope you will enjoy the remainder of your journey.”