“So, not only are you asking me to push my primary aspiration aside for you, but you are also asking me to do it for my boss, which directly contravenes the purpose of the whole thing – to pursue my career and avoid anything that might jeopardise it. Dating you could, in the worst-case scenario, mean career suicide, Will.”
He frowned faintly, eyes escaping mine as he pondered over my statement. “I’m not asking you to push anything aside for me. I’m asking you to include me.”
“Next,” I continued, “if people found out about us, it would ultimately taint their impression of me. All my hard work over the years would be reduced to nothing, as they would think I got the job merely by sleeping my way to it instead. Such a reputation could spread, too. It could impede me from getting promoted at Day & Night, impede me from getting hired by Day & Night – or even by other law firms!”
He grimaced, but he dared not meet my obstinate glare. “No one needs to know,” he murmured. “We could keep it under wraps until—”
“Third,” I cut him off uncompromisingly, “I have applied for a training contract at Day & Night. I still haven’t secured one, but it’s well known that you are far more likely to be hired by the firm where you complete a placement than by other law firms. That is especially true if you’re applying for a contract at City firms, where the competition is already extremely intense. My goal is absolutely to work for a City firm, Will, and dating you could diminish the chances of that happening. What’s worse, if dating shouldn’t work out, I might not even want to work for Day & Night. Being your colleague might turn out to be difficult, uncomfortable, and-or unendurable. I’ll have to look for positions elsewhere then, which can be easily avoided if we just don’t date.”
Slowly, he raised a hand to scratch his cheek while he, absentmindedly, scanned the pedestrians on the other side of the street. “I had no idea you were this career driven – to the extent that you would cast aside a chance with a person who might just be the right one.”
“The right one will be there at the right time,” I argued with a shake of my head.
Hearing that, he fell silent altogether and avoided looking at me for quite some time.
When the tension grew unbearable, I sighed, my shoulders sinking. “It’s different for you, Will. You’ve already established yourself. Your career is stable. I’d hardly want to start mine by sleeping with and dating my boss. It’s just setting myself up for a greater risk of failure, and I’d rather avoid that. Dating you – it’s too inappropriate, Will. I’m just not comfortable with it. I’m sorry.”
He started shaking his head, slowly at first, before each shake became faster and firmer. “It’s three months, Cara. We don’t have to tell anyone, and it won’t turn sour. Besides, colleagues date and marry all the time. Moreover, the hiring process is entirely objective. A potential relationship between us will not affect your chances of getting hired – I promise you. If you’re scared about that, I guarantee I’ll maintain our secret at least until you’ve been hired. And if it doesn’t work out between us, I promise I’ll be able to act civil.”
My eyebrow jerked up. “What – like you have up till now? You didn’t exactly act civil after you walked in on Aaron and me – ignored me for days, and then threatened to ruin my friendship with Jason last night.”
He winced. “I’ve apologised for that. I was drunk and emotional – it won’t happen again. I’ll clean up my act – I swear.”
I tilted my head. “A moment ago, when I said the overall goal was to keep things civil, you explicitly said that your goal diverges.”
He shook his head. “I never said that keeping things civil wasn’t within my goals. All I said was that it wasn’t my overall goal. My overall goal is to change your mind. Keeping things civil is subsidiary, but still a goal. So, should you agree to date me, you won’t have to worry about that if things don’t work out. What’s bothering me right now is that you’re not even giving me a chance. You’re rejecting tremendous potential without investigating whether it’s actually the best course of action.”
I expelled a loud breath. “You’re not even listening to me, are you? Honestly, Will, I’ve made myself more than clear, and you need to respect it. I am not comfortable and will not date my boss. It’s out of the question. It’s just not worth the risk, and that’s the end of it.”
His Adam’s apple ascended and fell while he stared out the window.
“You’re also Jason’s brother, Will,” I reminded him with a pout. “If things turn to shit between you and me, it might cost me not just my career but also my best friend and my home. I live with him. If our friendship is put under pressure because of this, I might have to move out, and I might lose him. You know as well as I do that he’ll side with you – you’re his brother.”
When he reached for his cup, it was without a glance in my direction. After a sip, he asked, “Do you think you’ll ever feel ready? For a relationship, I mean?”
Pain stung my chest upon his question, and I froze. Was he considering waiting for me? Could his interest really be that severe? I hoped not. He didn’t deserve to have to wait for someone. He deserved a woman who would recognise his worth at once and grab him without hesitation.
“Yes,” I replied honestly. “Just not now. In a few years’ time, perhaps, so you shouldn’t wait for me.”
I thought I detected a ghost of a smile on his mouth, but he took another sip before I could be sure. “Because you want to focus on your career,” he said as he lowered the cup.
Staring absentmindedly at his plate, I shrugged my shoulders and nodded. “This is my only chance to be selfish, Will,” I said and set my eyes on him again. “I want to take advantage of my freedom while I still can. As soon as the time is ripe for finding a man to settle down with, my personal aspirations, like my career goals and things like that, will have to take a backseat. He’ll be my main priority then, and I’m not ready for that to happen just yet. I want to chase my dreams and prioritise myself – and only that – for a while longer. I just feel like I can contribute to this world with more than my ovaries – or the role of a girlfriend.”
Something I’d said caused a faint smile to bend his lips. “Are you trying to say that finding love isn’t really your goal in life?”
I chuckled. “I wouldn’t phrase it like that.”
“How would you phrase it, then?”
Chewing on my lip, I looked sideways. “It’s more precise to say that finding love isn’t my only goal, and as of now, it’s certainly not my main goal.”
“But it will be later? Your main goal?” His playful tone extracted another chuckle from my mouth.
Meeting his eyes, I smirked. “Perhaps. At least I won’t dismiss the idea. But for now, I really love law, and I think I can be good at it. I’d like to practise it for a few years – nurture my passion for it – before I consider other aspects of my future.”
His head tilted as he studied me, and he seemed beguiled, if not even besotted. “You are such an anomaly. Do you know that?”
Since I could hear it was intended as a compliment, my lips formed a small, lopsided smile. “For better or for worse.”
“It’s fairly ironic, because it might just be the thing I admire the most about you, but at the same time, it’s also what’s keeping you away from me. I can’t quite decide what to make of it. Not sure if I love or hate it.”
“Well, I am who I am.”
“That, you are.” He nodded. “Unapologetically.”
I sighed, my hands dropping to the table. Motioning with them, I said, “You see, I just think there’s more to this life than chasing love. It’s so primitive. Reproduction? Really? Is that all there is?” I shook my head. “It’s not – not to me. There is the option to make the world a better place for those already in it, there are intellectual challenges, there’s personal growth – really, the meaning of life doesn’t have to b
e reproduction, and certainly not exclusively.”
The curve of his brows told me he hadn’t anticipated the conversation to take such an existential turn. “No, I agree. Reproduction doesn’t have to be the sole meaning of life. But, without it, there’d be no life. So, in the end, without life – without reproduction – there’d be nothing to add meaning to.”
I tittered. “Valid point, but still, I said ‘exclusively’.”
I watched as his familiar crooked smile surfaced on his mouth, and this time, the vulnerability it veiled was clearer than ever. “I’m assuming now that, by reproduction, you also mean love.”
I cocked my head. “Well, I suppose that – in this day and age – you can love without reproducing. But, genetically, we’re wired to fall in love in order to ensure reproduction – that’s my understanding, at least. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that there’s so much I want to explore before I go down that route, so I need things to happen in a specific order. First, I establish my career, and after that, when things have become stable, I’ll probably be open to finding a partner.”
He had another sip of coffee. “So, it’s about self-realisation.”
“I guess you could call it that.”
The corner of his mouth tugged up briefly. “You’re surely at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.”
“Yes. I’m privileged that way.” My brows furrowed. “So are you, though. It’s just that your goal, right now, is to find a partner.”
He raised a brow. “My goal wasn’t to find a partner until I met you.”
I inhaled sharply. It was like something had bolted straight through my chest – the intensity bordered on painful. A second later, my face might as well have caught fire. I hadn’t expected such a forthright confession, and I didn’t appreciate it either. It only reminded me that I was probably hurting him, which was far from what I wanted.
“I…”
Since I failed to continue, he stared at me for a beat, thinking. “What if I could help you with that – with achieving your goals? In case you’ve forgotten, I’m already a practising lawyer. I just don’t understand why you’re adamant that it must happen in a specific order.”
I grimaced. “Because, Will, once I find a partner, I won’t be able to put my career first anymore.” When I reached for my flat white to sip on it, I noticed how my hand trembled. This conversation was challenging me more than I had realised. “If ever I get a boyfriend, if ever I start a family, they’ll be my main priority. It’s just who I am and, knowing that, I’d like to postpone it until I am ready for it to happen, which I am not right now.”
He blew his cheeks out and rubbed the back of his head. “Jesus Christ, Cara. You’re overcomplicating things.”
“That’s easy for you to say, and that’s really quite offensive, too. This is my career we’re talking about, and that makes it an extremely grave deal to me.”
He frowned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. However, I can’t help that I disagree. I mean, you’re completely ignoring that a relationship is all about partnership. You help each other grow. You don’t weigh each other down. And it’s not like I’d force you to have kids before you’re ready – if we even reach that point. As for your career and your goals, I’ll be doing everything in my power to help you out.”
My body tensed. I’d thought when I’d arrived here that rejecting him would be relatively easy, but the more he opened his mouth, the harder it was. Every single sentence that came out of him was a testament to how intriguing he was, how dedicated he would be if I gave him a chance. And yet, reason forbade me to do it.
There was an abundance of rational reasons for why I should avoid him, and only a single reason why I shouldn’t – I liked him. In light of that, it would be absolutely ridiculous – totally imprudent – to explore our romantic potential. I couldn’t possibly let my feelings be the deciding factor; especially not when it might cost me the future I had strived so hard for my whole life.
“Will, that’s just one among the several concerns I have stated.” I groaned, despairing. His ability to hear only what he wanted to was seriously getting on my nerves. “Look,” I said, “I appreciate your intention – really, I do – but I’ve assessed my capabilities and this is beyond them. You’ve no idea how distracted I’ve been lately, and it’s all because of you. Frankly, I’ve no idea whether I failed or passed my last exam because, ever since you reached out to me on Instagram, I’ve hardly been able to revise. I’ve been thinking about you constantly. I’m not inventing this – it’s an actual problem. You’ve become the distraction I knew you would, and it’s just not defensible. I can’t maintain this. Dating you will impact my career prospects – negatively.”
Shocked, his eyebrows shot up his forehead. Disbelief spilled from his face. “Christ. Seriously?”
“Yes,” I confessed without a trace of shame. Finally, I sighed.
He directed his gaze to his sandwich and, while grabbing his cutlery, arched a brow again. “Well, it’s obvious you’ve never been in a relationship before.”
His comment bewildered me. “Why do you say that?”
“Because you’re severely overestimating what’s required of you. Relationships don’t have to be hard. When two compatible people are together, it usually works out with little effort. Compromises are made, and frankly, it offers a support system that might even help you prosper and reach levels you otherwise would not. I just don’t think it’s necessary to choose one or the other. It’s possible to do both. You can have a relationship without it jeopardising your career, as long as it’s with the right person.” When his eyes met mine, his gaze was searing. “I’m the right person.”
My brain warred against my heart upon his confident statement. The former refused to yield, but the latter put up an admirable fight and would not surrender either. The result was utter havoc.
I swallowed. “You’re still going to be my boss, Will.”
He snorted. “Yes, for three short months – a quarter of a year, Cara. It’ll be over before you know it.” While cutting into his sandwich, he continued without looking at me, “Besides, the initial excitement subsides after a while. That’s when things really start to get interesting, because that’s when you’ll know whether it’s real or not. Unfortunately for me, my last relationship didn’t stand the test.”
What he said made me remember Jason’s doubt about whether he had ever loved his ex.
“You’re shooting yourself in the foot right now,” I warned. “Hearing that I might just invest years of my life for nought doesn’t exactly tempt me into giving relationships a go right now.”
He rolled his eyes. “If you don’t play, you’ll never win, Cara.”
Though it was bold of me, I asked, “What happened with her? With Kate?”
He looked up at me then, and I could tell from his expression that he was carefully considering whether to elaborate or not. “I’d rather not go into it,” he eventually decided. “Maybe some other time.”
“Alright,” I said, respecting his boundaries.
Suddenly, he shook his head, and his expression told me he was unimpressed. “Right, correct me if I’m wrong,” he said, “but what I’m hearing right now is that you refuse to give me a chance because you haven’t got time to date since you’d rather focus on yourself and your career.”
“That’s right.”
He glared at me. “And yet you still find time for Aaron.”
I groaned. “That’s different.”
“How is it different? Really, how the hell is it different?” He leaned back while frowning at me as though I were the daftest person alive. “Aside from exclusivity, all I’m asking from you is what you’re already giving him.”
Resting my head between my hands, I let out a frustrated breath. “First of all, Aaron isn’t my boss or my flatmate’s brother. Second, what I’ve got w
ith him is perfect, Will. He’s exactly what I need. He doesn’t demand anything from me. I can just keep on doing what I’m doing, and I don’t need to consider much, if at all. My choices are entirely mine to make. And he’s my best friend. We’ve got three entire years of friendship behind us. It’s all so peaceful and predictable, so I’m determined to keep things as they are. He doesn’t pose a threat to my career the same way you do.”
William shook his head but said nothing.
“On another note,” I murmured to change the subject, “I’d appreciate it if you stopped speaking to Jason about me. I’m aware you’ve been referring to me as Sandra, but please avoid it. If he suddenly learns the truth somehow, I imagine he’ll be very cross with me. He’s not exactly fond of ‘Sandra’ as it is.”
After swallowing his mouthful, he pointed at me with his knife. “Cara, I owe you absolutely nothing,” he reminded me tersely. “I’ve agreed to keep it secret only because you begged me to and because I intend to respect your feelings, but I need to be able to talk to my own brother about things that are affecting my private life. He’s my best friend – and he knows something’s wrong. I can’t hide things like that from him, and even if I could, I won’t. This is the only compromise I’m willing to make on that. I’m doing it as a favour to you, nothing else. Personally, I couldn’t give a monkey’s about whether he found out. On the contrary, I’d prefer it. Remember that.”
I pouted. “Please spare me at least some of the wrath.”
Impatience clouded his features. “No. I refuse to be anyone but myself with him. What you’re asking for is enough as it is.”
Skin of the Night: Book One of The Night series Page 23