by Nyrae Dawn
Baby… It just might be my new favorite word. “Equal opportunity my butt. You just said you knew you could win. You’re trying to win me something on the sly. What if I want to win something for you?”
Tegan winks. “Then you’ll have to beat me.”
Of course I don’t. We play twice and he wins both times, giving me two little stuffed animals. I’m not sure I’ve ever laughed so much in my life. We play almost every game here. Multiple times, I offer to pay. He’s blowing way too much money on this date, especially when, from what his mom said, he’s been trying to save it. Every time he waves me off and tell me I will get it next time, but he also said he’s taking me to dinner next, too. He was right. He does always get his way.
After we do the game thing for a while, we hit up some rides. In between each one, Tegan holds my hand and I’m starting to get used to the feel of my smaller one wound up with his. It’s like we’ve been doing this much longer than just one day.
Evening comes and goes, night settling in, little twinkles of light dotting the sky. The night is ending too fast.
“We have time for one more. I’m going to be cheesy with this one, but Ferris Wheel?” he asks.
“It’s my favorite.” Hand and hand, we walk over to it. As we’re in line I freeze. No. No, no, no. Billy Mason is standing on the other side of the ride. Patrick and crew, along with all their girlfriends. Just seeing them threatens to magically erase the fun of the night. What if they see us? What if they say something in front of Tegan? I think I’d die.
“What’s wrong?”
I shake my head.
“Come on. You know I won’t let it go until you tell me.”
He won’t and I want to end this part of the conversation as quickly as I can. “The kings and queens of Hillcrest High. I just…I don’t want to see them.”
Like always, he knows the perfect thing to say. “Fuck ‘em. They look like idiots anyway.”
He’s right. Billy keeps trying to grab Queen Cheerleader’s butt. Patrick is watching his moves and trying to photo copy them with someone else. They’re stumbling around like a bunch of losers. Somehow, our hands have come unlatched, but this time, it’s me who grabs his. “Come on. We’re next.”
Once we’re taking the rounds on the Ferris Wheel, I completely forget about anything but Tegan and this night. His arm is around me. Me, as we go round and round, taking in the sites of the fair and all the people below. Running the risk of sounding like a total girlie-girl, it’s perfect.
“My parents used to love the fair. They brought us a lot when we were younger.”
His words surprise me. It’s the first time he’s brought up more than his mom or Tim. “Can I ask, where he is? If you don’t want to answer, that’s okay.” I hope my words don’t ruin our night. We’ve tried to steer clear of the bad stuff.
“Typical thing.” His grip on me tightens. “Didn’t want to deal with his responsibilities so he left.”
So many pieces of Tegan start to fall into place. Why he’s so fiercely loyal and protective of his family. He won’t let them get hurt again, even if that means doing everything he can for them rather than himself.
But no apologies. “Sucks.”
He gives me another squeeze. This one seems to say, thank you.
Too soon it’s over and we’re getting out of the ride. I don’t even know if Billy and his gang are still here because I don’t take the time to look. The fairgrounds are emptying out, the rides closing down and we’re walking hand in hand to his car.
When we get there, I try to open the passenger door, but Tegan stops me. It’s a replay of our moment by the bears.
My hands are shaking as Tegan steps so very close to me. I’m probably the only almost-eighteen-year-old girl in the world who has never kissed a boy. I wonder will I be different. After the next minute, if my life will shift from before kiss to after kiss.
His hand is in my hair again, but this time, he’s not just putting it behind my ear. He’s threading his fingers through it like he does with our hands. His palm’s buried deep, resting on the back of my neck.
Yes, I think this kiss will definitely make my life different.
Even though it’s dark there’s a streetlight making it so I can see him. Who the heck knows what else is around us, cars, people, an atomic bomb. All I know is us.
“I like you, Annabel Lee.” I’m boxed in between Tegan and his car. His chest touches me.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because you’re pretty…funny…smart…sarcastic... and you get it. Get me. Get my family.”
I don’t even doubt his words. How can I doubt anything he says?
“Can I tell you a secret?” he asks.
I nod.
“I knew there was something different about you from the beginning. Even if I didn’t come out there to get you that first day, you would have made it in. I admire that, ya know? That you won’t let anything get you down. That you keep pushing through. Just like me.”
I want to tell him it’s a lie. That I’m not strong at all and I’m scared to death to fail, but it feels good to have him believe in me. For him to see something in me no one else does. And again, how can I not believe his words? The way he speaks them, how they tickle my skin and seep inside, fuels me. I am determined and I can do anything.
I can’t help it, I lick my lips.
Tegan’s face is slowly, way too slowly coming toward mine. “This time, I’m really going to kiss you so if you don’t want me to, you better stop me now.”
“Stop? You must be crazy.”
“That’s even better than your last compliment.”
Oh my God. Did I say that out loud? And then it doesn’t matter because his lips are on mine. They’re just as soft as they look, but strong too. Or maybe the kiss is just strong, eager, because it’s all I feel or know. It’s like I’m drowning in him.
When his tongue comes out and teases the seam of my lips, I’m done for. Sunken like a ship to the bottom of the ocean. It’s weird how I know what to do, like I’ve done this so many times before. My mouth opens, our tongues meeting, first tentatively and then with the eager need again. I taste the mint. Smell the soap and ocean. Shiver when the hand in my hair pulls me closer to him.
In and out. Give and take, our tongues do a dance that’s foreign and familiar at the same time. When his other hand touches my waist, my arms wrap around his neck. I want him closer. Closer than anyone has ever been to me. And he is, but then after one, two gentle, tongueless kisses on my lips, he’s pulling away.
Tegan’s forehead drops forward so it’s resting against mine. “Why did that take us so long?”
***
It’s been a few days since our first kiss. I say first because …we’ve done it a lot since then. I’m always awkward and nervous, but the second his lips touch mine, everything else melts away. And I was right. There is definitely a switch from life before kiss and after. Needless to say, life after kiss is made of awesome, even though my head is still a little foggy that the whole thing is happening. That this gorgeous, sexy boy likes kissing me. That he likes spending time with me.
It’s like winning the lotto. One of those things that would be cool if it happened, but you never really think it will and then bam! Your whole life changes.
The thing is, it’s not just because he’s a pretty face either. If that was all, I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t want him.
Which I do.
A lot.
But in typical boy fashion, aside from kissing and hand holding, I have no idea if I have him. Are we dating? Is he my boyfriend? Am I the secret girl he likes to lock lips with in private? All these questions circle around in my brain creating a tornado so strong I’m surprised the National Tornado Center doesn’t issue an all-points bulletin.
Yes, I’m going that crazy.
Today is a gym day so we didn’t jog this morning. Oh, and it also happens to be my weigh in day too. It’s weird because I’m not even nervous. Don’t ge
t me wrong, I’m hoping I’ve made some serious progress, but compared to the Tegan Limbo I’m in, I don’t have the energy to drive myself crazy, wondering what the number will say, or what he’ll think about it.
When I get there, Tegan’s waiting for me like always. There’s been no kissing on Let’s Get Physical premises. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s embarrassed of me, or because making out with your client probably isn’t the most professional thing in the world.
“Hey.” Tegan gives me that playful smile of his, one I’m hoping is my smile.
“Hey.” He holds the door open for me. This time I walk back to his cubby first, without having to be dragged there.
“Alright, are you ready for this? It’s going to be good. I know it. So don’t stress, k?” He’s standing in front of me in the black shirt with neon green lettering that reads, ‘Let’s Get Physical’.
“Actually, I’m not…” The extra walk I went on this week pops into my head. The time we spend jogging. The chances I had to cheat while eating and didn’t. I’ve worked hard. He’s made me work hard and no matter what the numbers say, I’m trying to make myself focus on that.
“Good. Let’s measure you first.” I fight a shiver when Tegan’s finger brushes over my arm longer than necessary as he measures. I don’t ask the numbers or look at the numbers, focusing on the way his skin feels against mine as he goes from one arm to the next. To my legs, waist…ok, the waist feels extra nice. Just like when we kiss, all I feel and know is him.
“I hope you’re eyes aren’t closed because you’re freaked out.”
My eyes are closed? I pop them open. “No…just tired.” Yeah right, hypnotized by his hands is more like it.
“You want the numbers?”
“I don’t know, do I?”
“I think you do. Come on. Tell me you do, Annabel Lee.”
I love the way he talks to me. How he’s always teasing and playful. Plus, it’s kind of cool that he has his own name for me and it sounds so hot when he says it. “Please, like I have the willpower in me not to know.”
Tegan looks down, then up at me through his thick lashes. His eyebrows raise and lower and then that Tegan smile. “You’ve lost three inches in your waist alone.”
Three inches? Three inches? I want to jump up and hug him, but I can’t. Not here. Plus, I’m still not brave enough to initiate the physical contact yet, so instead I clap my hands together, holding them at my mouth. “Three inches? Oh my God. That’s good right? It seems good.”
“Hell yes, it’s good! Now gettcha butt on the scale. I have a feeling you’re going to be happy with the results there too.”
Briefly I wonder if he wants to hug me too. Or kiss me. Does he want to celebrate with me the same way I want to with him? I hope so. Trying to focus on the whole point of this thing, I step onto the scale, watching Tegan’s hand as it slides the weight up and down the scale. What? Am I reading this right?
“160.8. All together you’ve lost five pounds exactly. How does that—umpf!”
This time, I can’t help it. I launch myself at him. Tegan catches me, laughing and hugging. It’s not record-breaking and I know I still have a long way to go, but holy crap. I’ve lost six pounds and over three inches!
“Umm, I guess it feels nice and as nice as you feel, we have an audience.”
I freeze, heat flooding to my cheeks. “Oh, sorry.” I pull away from him. “Was just excited.”
Tegan winks at me. “It’s all good. Come on, let’s go get physical.”
We are nothing but professional for the whole workout. Tegan pushes me through our leg routine today, counting off each of my pushes or pulls and telling me how good I’m doing. Each time he writes my progress down in his booklet and then we move to the next one.
Is he standing farther away from me than usual? Teasing me less? I’m overreacting. Or am I? Is he upset that I plastered myself against him like I’m a Hillcrest High elite and he’s Billy Mason?
“Good workout today and seriously, I’m proud of you,” Tegan tells me as we walk to the door. I’m about to tell him thanks and bye when he looks at Supermodel who I now know as Molly and says, “I’m going to take a break. I’ll be back in ten, okay?”
Oh no. He’s mad. I screwed up and now whatever it was we had going between us is already over. Molly gives him a smile and we walk out. When we get to the parking lot, I throw my bag into the passenger side and close the door, trying to ignore the fact that I know what’s coming.
Because it is. The saying “it’s too good to be true?” Totally a fact. I lean against my car, crossing my arms like I don’t care. I don’t. I knew this would happen anyway.
Tegan steps closer to me. Close like always, but he looks nervous. “I was thinking and… well, maybe it’s not the best idea for me to be your trainer anymore.”
Chapter Fourteen
MY GIRL
“Oh…” I’m not mad at him, I’m mad at me. At the ache in my chest and the fact that even though I said I expected this, it’s broken something inside me. “Okay.” I turn and try to get into my car which I realize is about the stupidest thing I can do considering it’s the passenger side. I don’t get far anyway because Tegan stops me.
“Hey, where are you going?”
Is he for real? Like I’m going to sit here while he rattles off a list of why we can’t be together or throws the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line my way. “Home. No need to explain. I understand.”
“Um, I’m glad you do, because I don’t.” Tegan turns me around so I’m facing him again.
“You don’t have to do that. I get it. I expected it. I…” You know what? I can’t do this. It’s not right or not fair. “Actually, I’m pissed. You pretend to like me and then one hug in front of your gym buddies and Supermodel and I’m out the door? Whatever.”
“Huh?” he looks at me confused. “I’m not breaking it off with you… You think I would do that because you hugged me?”
He’s not breaking up with me. Best news ever! “I just thought.”
“That’s not me, Annabel Lee—I don’t just bail on people. I held your hand all over the zoo and the fair. If I was going to break up with you over a hug, I wouldn’t have done that.”
My cheeks are hot. Why can’t I stop thinking the worst? “Then what do you mean?”
He steps closer, his legs on the outside of mine as his hands grab my waist. I should pull away, but I can’t. “I’m not breaking up with you. I’m not mad you hugged me. Actually, I would have liked to do even more with you, but I can’t do that here…while you’re my client. I need this job too much, or I would.”
And his mom told him girls are confusing, I’m thinking that about boys. “Then why?”
Tegan leans forward, pressing his lips to mine too quickly for my taste. “Because.” Another kiss. “You’re.” Oh, one more. “My girl.” Two kisses this time. “And it doesn’t feel right for you to pay me for us to work out together. Because I want to be able to kiss you when I want and I can’t do that if you’re my client.”
At least I think that’s what he said. I’m not sure I caught anything after him telling me I’m his girl. “I am? Your girl, I mean?”
He gives my waist a squeeze and I suck in my stomach. “I thought so, unless you’re only using me for my make-out abilities.”
“You’re so—“
“Conceited. I know. But you like it.”
But as much as I like how that sounds, how I want to really be with Tegan, thinking about what he said leaves a hole in my chest. I’m not sure I can do this without him. “But what about the money? I know you’re saving up to help with college and to help your mom and stuff.”
Tegan freezes, his eyes hard on me in a way I’ve never seen them. “I don’t want your money. If that’s what you think this is about, then we’re on a different page here.”
I’m such a jerk. I insult the one person who’s been nothing but nice to me. Not letting myself be afraid of his reaction, I grab his s
hirt and pull him back to me. It feels good, this whole control thing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just…” He doesn’t give me the easy way out, but stands here waiting to hear what I say. “I don’t know if I can do it without you.”
Tegan sighs. “Don’t say stuff like that. You don’t need me for anything. This…this is all you. But, I never said you had to do it without me. It’s up to you. You want another trainer, I’ll hook you up. If not, I am a professional, you know. I can do the same stuff with you if you’re not a client that I do now. We can keep jogging together. When we work out here, we’ll do it when I’m off the clock and we’ll work out together. It’s not like we can’t still use the scales and stuff, so basically it will be the same except you will be my girl working out with me instead of my client who pays me and also happens to kiss me.”
The break inside me starts to heal, the heaviness sprouting wings and flying away. This, I can handle. This, I actually like. “Okay. That makes sense. I don’t want anyone else, though. I want you.”
Tegan smiles. “That’s a good thing, because I want you too.” Then his face turns serious for a minute. “This is new for me too. It might not seem like it, but it is. I’m not used to being with a girl who I really care about. I hope you know that… that I’m not with you because of what you have or don’t have. I’m with you because I like you…the way I feel when I’m with you.”
For the second time. It’s my lips that find his. “I like you too.”
***
I have a boyfriend. A hot boyfriend, but also one that’s… pretty incredible too.
I’m still in shock the next day when Em comes over. She has a rare day with no classes and we’ve decided to spend it together. Of course, she doesn’t know I have other options and I feel like the worst friend in world for not telling her, but I know her. She won’t understand and I’m already in a state of disbelief that I’m scared her pessimism will make me doubt what’s happening.
Which makes me an even worse friend. Who calls their bestie pessimistic? And she would understand and be happy for me, wouldn’t she? I wonder how I would feel if it were her. If after years of it only being the two of us, how I would feel if she suddenly had a boyfriend and guess what? My crappy friend status is raised a notch because I would be jealous. But I would also be worried about her, which I know is how she’ll feel about me. Right now, I don’t want worry. I just want happy.