by Nyrae Dawn
And he’s right, I do, but not now.
***
The house is swimming with people. Tegan and I have a hard time weaving through the crowd, but he doesn’t let go of my hand once. A few people say hi to him as he leads us through the sea. “We’re headed downstairs!” He has to yell over the crowd and music so I can hear him. “Rick and Bo said they’d be down there playing pool.”
Instead of trying to fight the noise, I nod my reply. Tegan presses a quick kiss to my lips and starts to walk again. Will I ever get used to that? I’m really not sure I want to lose the excitement. We find the stairs that leads us down to a game room, complete with a pool table, air hockey, big screen TV, and a wrap-around couch. There are a couple guys playing air hockey. At a pool table, two girls and two guys are playing doubles.
They all look like Tegan. Well, not as good looking as he is, but they dress like him and you can tell they’re the type who were popular in school. The girls? They’re all wearing skirts, tight shirts and look way, way different from me.
“Holy shit! Tegan’s here. We didn’t think your workaholic ass would actually show up!” One of the guys yells, beer in his hand. Everyone turns to look at us. I try to smile, hoping I don’t look as nervous as I feel. Tegan’s squeeze on my hand helps.
“Whatever, douchebag. Just because some of us work and have plans doesn’t mean you need to talk crap.” They’re laughing. Tegan lets go of my hand long enough to bump knuckles with a few of the guys and then he’s holding me again.
“Hey! I work. I just have a life too which up until tonight, you haven’t had for a while.” The guy looks at me. “Hey, you must be Annabel. I’m Bo.”
I’m not even embarrassed to admit, I’m doing a little squeal inside. It’s cool that Tegan has told these people about me and it soothes my nerves a bit. “Nice to meet you.”
Another guy comes over, wearing a baseball hat. “What’s up, Teag.”
“What’s up. This is my girlfriend, Annabel. Annabel Lee, this is Rick. The girl behind him is his girlfriend, April and,” he points to the other girl at their pool table, “that’s Sandra.” April smiles and gives me a wave. She has red hair and kind eyes. Sandra’s blonde and says hi too.
“Good job getting Tegan out of the house. He’s been a hermit lately,” Sandra says.
Their words surprise me. I know his mom said he focuses on work a lot and I know that’s because he helps her and is saving for school, but hermit seems pretty heavy. “Thanks, but he’s usually the one dragging me around.” They seem nice, smiling at me as I speak. Pretty soon Bo’s dragging them all back to the table to finish the game and I’m standing against the wall with Tegan watching them.
The game ends quickly afterward. They ask us if we want to play and both Tegan and I say no, so they start a second game. “Want to share a beer with me?” he asks. I’m not much of a beer girl so I tell him no. He comes back with one for himself and a bottle of water for me. A few people come by and talk to Tegan here and there. He introduces me each time and I’m surprised I haven’t gotten any double takes. No strange looks. Nothing.
Tegan finishes his beer and sets it on a table, leaning against the wall, he pulls me against him. My arms find their way around his neck, as he’s holding my waist, brushing his fingers back and forth.
“Not so bad, huh,” he whispers against my ear.
Truthfully, I say, “Not at all.”
“I knew you’d have fun. My friends are all pretty kickback.”
“I thought you said they’re wild.”
“It’s different. They like to have fun and in a few hours, they’ll be a little crazier than they are now, but they’re cool too. Kickback, just like to have fun and hang out. And they like you. I can tell.” He kisses by my ear, teasing his way down my jaw line. “I’m not the only one with good taste.”
I laugh him off, but inside I’m glowing. He’s always saying stuff like this to me and I never say it back. Never say it first. I’m not sure why. “I’m the one with good taste. I kind of like you, you know?”
“Only kind of?” He holds me tightly against him.
“Maybe a little more than kind of.”
“I knew it!” Tegan’s lips slide toward mine, but before they hit their destination, we’re interrupted.
“Tegan! Get your love-struck ass over here and play a game with us. The girls are done and Mike wants to play so we need someone else for doubles.”
“I’m busy,” Tegan tells Rick.
I remember how excited his friends were to see him. How they say he hasn’t hung out much lately. “You should go play. I don’t mind watching.”
He gets a little light in his eyes and I know he wants to go play, but was nervous about leaving me. “You sure?”
“Absolutely. Unlike someone, I’m not a hermit.”
He gives me a quick peck.
I watch him head over to the pool table. It isn’t but a few seconds later that I hear, “Come sit with us, Annabel.” It’s April. She and Sandra are sitting on the couch alone. Without the hesitance I would expect, I walk over and sit by them. The boys are laughing at the table, making fun of each other and playfully pushing when one of them make a shot. It’s so funny how at ease guys can be together. It’s so different from girls, I think. They can be friends with anyone and it’s normally not like that with us. Which sucks. Luckily, I don’t seem to have to worry about that tonight.
“How long have you guys been together?” Sandra asks, examining her fingernails. It’s weird because it doesn’t feel like she’s ignoring me or not interested in what I’m saying, where with someone else, the gesture might come off that way.
“Um… a couple weeks? Not too long.”
April turns to face me. “Oh, I love how you met stories. Where did you guys meet?”
Oh joy! This is where I get to explain that Tegan is helping me lose weight. So not the romantic story I’m sure she’s expecting…but then, it does kind of feel that way to me. I never would have expected it, but I like our story. “We met at the gym he works at. I am—was a client of his…”
“Oh, Tegan’s getting hot and heavy at work. I never would have thought it possible. Now we know why he’s such a workaholic, he’s there to see you!” April teases and I can’t help but like her train of thought.
“No, remember we haven’t been together very long.”
“Yeah, but it’s more fun to think it’s because of you. He’s so determined. So much different than he was a few years ago.”
I realize they all mean before the accident. Briefly, I wonder what he was like back then. Would I have still liked him? Would he have still liked me? “It’s funny because you guys keep talking about him working all the time. His mom mentioned it too, but I don’t see it. I mean, he’s taken time off and we went to watch his brother play basketball and we’ve gone out a few times. We jog a lot too. He seems too full of life to be that way.”
Sandra stops playing with her nails and looks at me. “He likes to have a good time. He always has been like that: fun, funny, outgoing and he still is, he just feels so much responsibility I think. He’s been such a homebody since the accident.”
I say, “Yeah, he’s a good guy.” My eyes find their way to him, watching him concentrate on a shot. “He cares about everyone. Wants to do what he can for everyone in his life.” His hair falls down in his face and he shakes it out of the way, eye on the ball, then briefly looks up and winks at me.
It’s almost like a touch, my skin pebbling as though his fingers are ghosting against it.
“Oh, girlfriend. You have it bad. I mean, who wouldn’t and it’s obvious he’s in love with you too.”
I’m not sure if it’s April or Sandra who talks because I can’t pull my eyes away from the totally hot guy who is my boyfriend. Somehow I should set them straight. We’re not in love, it hasn’t been very long, but the words lodge in my throat.
“I know, right? He’s totally into her. So different than he was with Pammie.”<
br />
That catches my attention. My eyes shift to the girls again. “Who’s Pammie?”
It’s April who replies. “This other girl who hangs out sometimes. They hooked up a few times, nothing serious, but he broke it off. She’s still got it bad for him, but that’s Pammie. She likes to be the one who does the dumping rather than the other way around and he was never serious about her, so don’t worry.”
Actually, I didn’t even think of it to worry until she told me not to worry. Funny how that works. Tegan doesn’t give me much time to think about it because he walks up to us. “You win?” I ask.
He’s standing right in front of me, my eyes level with his…well, his crotch. And again his pervertedness is rubbing off on me because I kind of want to stare.
“Do you have to ask?”
“Of course not. I should have known, big head.”
“That’s what I love about you, Annabel Lee. You’re always so sweet to me.” I start to choke on…well, air I guess. Or shock. Can you choke on shock?
“She looks like she’s about to pass out.” Sandra starts fanning me. I like these girls. I like them a lot. Which makes me think about Em and wish she were here with me. Wish she could meet them too. I never would have thought it coming here, but this night has been perfect.
“Dude, I forgot to tell you, I saw your dad the other day.” Bo says as he walks up and Tegan freezes. Bo doesn’t seem to notice because he continues. “He had some chick with him. I swear she couldn’t have been older than twenty-two. Your dad’s got game!”
Now it’s Tegan who looks like he’s going to pass out. I’ve seen him upset, but never, ever anything like the lost, angry look clouding his eyes right now.
“Yeah…good for him.” He’s trying to play it off with a shrug, but I see the dents in his armor, I just don’t know what to do about it.
“How’s he doing anyway? Tim?” This time it’s Rick who asks.
I’m not sure if Tim is a safer subject or not—not when knowing his dad left because he couldn’t take Tim’s injury.
“I’m gonna go grab a drink, I’ll be back.” I reach for Tegan’s hand, but he kind of shakes it off and then he disappears into the crowd. Everyone around me keeps talking so I assume they didn’t notice, but I do and it doesn’t feel good. I get it, he’s angry, but why can’t I be there for him the way he is for me?
We talk for about fifteen more minutes, but I can’t stop thinking about Tegan. The girls and I exchange phone numbers and I’m excited to have met new friends. Friends I will introduce to Emily. It hurts too much to keep her out of this part of my life, but I can’t enjoy it now. My mind is with him.
“I’m going to find Tegan.” They tell me goodbye and walk away.
Soon I’m sifting through people again on my way to the kitchen. As soon as I round the corner, he’s there. Not looking at me and not alone. “It was good seeing you, Pammie. But I gotta get back. My girl’s waiting for me downstairs.” The only reason I can hear him is because we’re in a hallway, him at one end and me at the other. It’s empty and though there’s music, he’s speaking loudly for her to hear and enabling me to hear too. But I don’t really give a crap about why or how I can hear him. What I do care about is, Pammie is hot. Like hot enough that she takes my breath away.
Skinny. Super skinny, short skirt I’d get kicked out of school for wearing, pierced belly button. How do I know, you might ask? Oh, because her shirt is practically non-existent. Nice. She has black hair like me. Only hers is long and glamorous and I want to chop it off.
But then…he’d said his girl is downstairs. His girl being me. There’s a Pepsi in one of his hands and a bottle of water in the other. For me. It all should make me feel better, but it doesn’t. How can I ever compete with her? Maybe I don’t have to…
“Yeah, I saw you with her. I thought you didn’t want a relationship? I thought you had too much on your plate to be with anyone?”
“I do have a lot I’m dealing with and I didn’t want a relationship, but things change. Not that it’s any of your business.”
“So things changed because of her? You can do so much better, Tegan. We look much better together.”
I feel as though someone has socked me in the gut. I can hardly breathe.
“No thanks and on that note, I’m out. And don’t ever say anything about her again.” Tegan tries to walk around her, but she stops him, a hand on the same chest I touched earlier.
“Wait…I…” And then she leans forward and kisses him. Her lips. My boyfriend. It’s only a couple seconds. Everything in me breaks. I want to run. I should run. It hurts too bad to see this, because she’s right. They do look good together. But you know what? I don’t care. And as much as the instinct to run rears inside me. I don’t. Not away at least. I run toward them, because this boy is mine and I’m not going down without a fight.
Chapter Sixteen
THE RETURN OF ROCKY
Before I reach them, Tegan’s already pushing her away. The drinks hit the floor, liquid going everywhere. “What the hell, Pammie?!”
Later I’ll realize I had time to stop myself, but in this moment, it doesn’t feel like it. My hands are out and I push her. “Yeah, what the hell?” Okay, I’m sure this doesn’t strike you as a shock, but me? I’m not the fighting kind of girl. Right now? I could totally box with her. Maybe give her a taste of my right hook that Tegan’s always talking about.
“Um, excuse you, bitch, but you better not push me again.”
“Um, excuse you, bitch, but you better not kiss my boyfriend again.” The little Annabel Angel on my shoulder is shocked. I am too, but it doesn’t stop me. I’ve been pushed around too much in my life.
“And what are you going to do about it if I do?” People are starting to fill the hallway. Pammie looks around, noticing. “You’re delusional if you think he really wants you.”
Tegan cuts in. “Shut up, Pammie. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Tegan reaches for me. “Come on, baby. Let’s go.”
But I can’t. I pull myself out of his reach. “You’re delusional if you think throwing yourself at a guy who dumped you and kissing him will make him want you.” There! Take that!
“Screw you!” Pammie comes at me to push me. I have no clue where it comes from, but I manage to dodge her and push her instead. She slips in the spilled soda Tegan dropped and ends up on her butt in the middle of the hallway. Everyone around us starts laughing except Tegan, me and Pammie. She’s pissed, I have no idea what Tegan’s thinking and I’m in shock. Twice, I just pushed this girl. I don’t condone fighting, but it feels good not to back down. To push back when someone attacks me.
“You pushed me, you stupid, fat cow. What are you going to do? Sit on me next?”
The hall goes dead quiet. Probably not in reality, but for me, it does. I hear nothing except for her words and suddenly, I feel stupid. What am I doing here?
“Watch. Your. Mouth,” Tegan seethes at her. “There’s nothing wrong with Annabel.”
“Annabel? Isn’t that a cow name? Even her parents knew she’d be a lard ass.”
They’re so close to words I’ve heard from Billy before.
I have nothing left inside me.
No words.
No fight.
Shoving my way through the crowd, I run.
***
“Annabel Lee. Wait up.”
I burst through the front door, ignoring Tegan. As soon as my feet hit the porch, I’m running again. I need to get to his car. Need to get out of here.
“Annabel. Wait for me.”
He’s right behind me when I get to his car. My eyes start to sting as he looks at me with kindness. “She’s a bitch. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about and I’m so sorry—”
“Not now,” I shake my head. “I can’t talk about it yet. Just…get me out of here.”
He nods, opening the door for me. I get in and a second later we’re driving. Not toward his house, but he could take me anywhere right
now and I wouldn’t care. We end up at the beach. A look out spot that thankfully, is deserted. Which ironically enough, is just how I feel. Barren. Alone. I know it doesn’t make sense. I tell myself to just get over it. Who gives a crap what that girl says? But my heart and head are heading in different directions. My brain’s floating ashore while my heart drifts out to sea.
“You know I think you’re beautiful, right? That I don’t give a shit about any of the other stuff. I just like spending time with you.”
His words are my life boat. He throws them out to me and my instinct is to grab on, to let myself float to safety on them. Tegan always knows how to make me feel buoyant, as though just by him thinking I’m beautiful, that because he likes to be with me, I could make it to shore without the boat. But what happens when he’s not here? He can’t always be here.
“You’re way too strong to let her drag you under, Annabel Lee. You have to know that.”
Tegan’s right. To a degree at least. And even though I know he can’t always be here, he’s here now and I intend to take advantage of that. To ride his waves, and hope that later I’m able to stand up on the surfboard without him. “I’m trying to be. I want to be.” How he manages to pull such truth out of me, so much feeling, I don’t know, but it feels good not to hide. To step out from my secret hiding place and say, “Here I am! Look at me! This is how I feel” even if it means getting tagged “it”.
“Sometimes I think I’m stronger than I am and other times, I know my weaknesses. It’s hard to find that middle ground. To accept my weaknesses without embracing them as a part of me I can never change.” My words are even confusing me. It makes sense in my head, but not out loud. “Do you know what I mean or do I just sound like a psycho?”
“Well… maybe not psych-ward crazy, but a little confusing.”
I can’t believe it, but I almost smile. “How do you always know the right thing to say?”
Tegan’s thumb makes feather-soft circles on my cheek and I lean into him. “I don’t. Half the time I’m scared as hell I’m saying the dumbest shit in the world.” More softness. More circles. “You know, it might come as a surprise to you, but I’m not always as sure as I like to come off. I have a lot of stuff I’m trying to work through too.”