by Ava Danielle
“Perhaps,” he says.
“Oh please, they’re too chicken. They are all crying over Ryan being dead. They are too busy grieving over the fuck-face that tried to kill me. They don’t care. He did it because he loved me and he knows that’s what I wanted. He did it for me. What kind of stupid shit is that, huh Daniel? Are you going to kill yourself, too, because you love me so much?”
“I thought you loved me back?” he jokes.
“That’s a sad joke,” I snap back at him.
“Babe, there’s no doubt that Ryan was sick. Maybe we should go back so you can finally put it all behind.”
“Like one last look into my past? I definitely don’t see them in my future.”
“Maybe?”
I consider going back to Seattle. It actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Yeah, I don’t want anything to do with them. The fact I’d be going to a funeral of a man that continuously haunted me and tore my life to shreds is not appealing, either. I’m better than giving him that attention. But it would put it all behind me. I could actually move forward. I could actually start a life, a life without the thought of Ryan Johnson.
“Will you go with me?” I ask him nervously.
“Do you really need to ask? Of course I’ll go with you, anywhere you go, I go.”
I lean over the kitchen counter and place a kiss on his lips.
“I’ll take that salad now,” I laugh, nervously.
“I knew you would, that’s why I already made you a plate.” He sets the plate on the bar. “Now, eat something, woman.” I love his smile. It comforts me and gives me the strength to get through this, to get through anything.
– ### –
After we eat, we lie on the couch and watch some television. I’m sucked into the TV but I can’t really pay attention. In fact, I’m completely zoned out wondering how I got here and why I spend so much of my time on airplanes and running away. Daniel said he was my home, that I was home, but it doesn’t feel like home. It feels like his apartment. I’m not sure if we’re together or if he’s still just protecting me. I don’t want a relationship where I’m just being protected. I want a relationship where I’m still my own person. I want to be me. I don’t even know who I am, anymore. I have to be more than the girl Daniel rescues. I feel like we need to start somewhere new, somewhere fresh. I have to find me again. I don’t want to sit still and look pretty. I won’t be mindless arm candy. This revelation of what my life has become hits me hard. I need to find me. That’s my mission as soon as I end the chapter of my life that included Ryan, my parents, Lori, and anyone else that has had any connection with him.
“Excuse me,” Daniel says as he gets up and answers his phone.
I’m still filled with doubt about everything. I watch Daniel answer his phone, curious as to who is on the line. I don’t mean to mistrust him or even question him, but I’m still rather paranoid. I try not to be, but in the back of my mind, I’m still distrustful of everyone.
“That was Trevor. The apartment in Italy is cleared out. All of your belongings are on their way over here.”
“Oh good, what a relief,” I sink back into the couch.
“There’s something though,” he eases into his next sentence and I stare at him, “Katherine came over and noticed them packing up,” he says, with a worried look.
“Okay?”
“He didn’t tell her where you are or where your furniture is going and she went into full bitch mode,” he laughs.
“No surprise there, but did she get it out of him?”
“Not a single word,” he smiles.
“Then I’m not worried, I could care less about her.”
“But Trevor mentioned she said something haunting to him.”
“Like what?”
“She loved Ryan more than you ever would.”
I can’t hold it back any longer and laugh. I laugh so hard all my walls are breaking down. All those hurt feelings start to fade away.
“She’s right about that. They would’ve been perfect for each other,” I laugh, “but I feel bad for Francesco. She used him. And he actually fell head over heels for her.”
“I know. That is pretty sad. We need to find him a girl,” he laughs.
“I’ll pass. I have no desire to ever go back there. I’ll miss it. I’ll miss my apartment. I’ll miss the beach, the gelato. Fuck, I’ll forever miss the gelato. I’ll miss my mandolin man, and the cit. But I won’t miss the lies. I’ll miss the life I thought I had, but not all the lies of the life I lived.”
“I fucking miss Francesco’s Limoncello,” he adds.
“Yeah no kidding, that was some good stuff.”
“We will get through this, you know that right?” He somberly reassures me.
“I do, now.”
– ### –
As we enter McCarran airport, I realize it’s been a week since I called my mother. Here we are, getting ready to fly to Seattle. I’m ready but I’m not ready. Does that make any sense? I’m ready to say goodbye and put all that life behind me. I’m ready to move forward. But I’m terrified to see the people that once meant something to me. I’m embarrassed to have to introduce Daniel to people from my past. I’m afraid he will judge me. I’m afraid he’ll love me less. I know these are absurd thoughts. I know that I shouldn’t even be thinking this, but I can’t help it.
“You ready?”
“I don’t know how many times you have to ask me that?”
“What?” he looks confused.
“Our relationship is based on one flight after the other, one worry after the other. You constantly have to check on me. Aren’t you getting tired of it yet?” I snap at him. I guess the stress really is getting to me.
“Umm… I don’t know where all this is coming from, but in case you forgot, I started protecting you way before you knew it. I will stop protecting you because I fell in love with you and I love you, more, every day. So, I don’t care how many times I have to ask if you’re ready. I will never get tired of it, nor will I ever get tired of anything that happens in our relationship. Now, let’s go.”
“You have such a wonderful way with words,” I giggle as I turn to enter the security checkpoint.
It’s time to see Seattle one last time before I start my new life.
After arriving in Seattle, this gut feeling comes over me. It’s unexplainable. I want to run. I don’t want to be here. In fact, I’d rather be anywhere but here, but this is something I need to do. I need to put all of it behind me. In order to do that, I need to say my official goodbye to this hellhole. I need to put a stop to it running my life.
We get into the little compact car Daniel picked up from the rental agency. The drive is excruciating. I have so much hatred for this city and my family. No one even stopped to think about what this bastard had done to me. He tried to kill me, all because he couldn’t have me. Has my family forgotten that I am a person, and I deserve to be happy? I deserve so much more than this fucktard ever did.
Daniel and I arrive at the cemetery. We stand in the far back behind some trees. I don’t want to be close to anyone. I want to watch from afar and see all the fools crying over someone like Ryan. I feel betrayed that my family, friends, and employers are all here. Mr. Ellison is standing by the casket along with his wife and the kids. The kids I’d grown to love and took care of for them. Those innocent kids have gotten sucked into something this senseless, this evil.
My mother is next to Ryan’s mother, they are best friends, of course she would stand by her best friend before she put her daughter’s feelings first. I was a burden all my life, that’s how this all comes across. She’s her shoulder to cry on. She lost a son and my mother lost a daughter. I may not have died according to Ryan and Katherine’s sick plan, but my mother is definitely dead to me. Part of me feels sad and heartbroken over losing my mother, but I notice now what kind of daughter she expected and never got from me.
Katherine is here, she’s sobbing as if she just lost the love of her
life. Maybe he was. Maybe she envisioned him being the love of her life when all he wanted was me. I never would have given him what he wanted. The hate, she has hidden. She should be in Hollywood, acting in movies. I hate to admit it, but she’s good. She’s putting on the performance of her life. I would love to ask her where Francesco is, but I don’t even want to exchange any words with her.
Ryan’s brother Rob is still. He’s stoic. Quiet. He looks intimidating and not just because he’s a cop. There is hate and anger in his eyes. He failed his brother. I can see that, even with all his attempts to stop him.
“You okay?” Daniel grabs my hand.
“Honestly, I am,” I tell him. This is giving me the healing I needed.
After a while, we watch everyone leave. They all get into their nice cars and Daniel and I are left at the tree watching. He never let me go. He’s got a death grip on me. I can tell he’s afraid something might happen to me. He’s afraid for my life. The bodyguard is in full protection mode. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have him. He gives me the strength I need to get through this. He’s the strength that I need in my life.
The last car drives away. I notice its Rob and before I could look away or even hide behind the tree, he notices me. Our eyes lock and the anger I noticed earlier is brighter than daylight. He’s angry, there’s no denying it. He stops the car and starts to dig in the passenger seat. I watch him intently, worried about what might come after. Before I could even get any words out, I hear a popping noise. I hear laughter and a loud breath. I’m unsure which direction to look and what really happened. It all happened so fast. The sound of spinning wheels is the last thing I remember. That’s all I know. I stand frozen in my tracks. I don’t know where to look. Where did he go? Where is everyone?
“Sophia, can you hear me?” I hear a male voice ask over and over.
“What?” I yell with the biggest headache. “Quit trying to wake me up Ryan. I’m trying to sleep. Fuck!”
“Sophia, come back to me,” he says again.
“I’m here. What the hell do you want from me?” I become furious.
“I want you to wake up.”
“I am awake.” But, my eyes are closed. I don’t see anything but black. I’m here but I’m not really here.
“Sophia, can you open your eyes for me?” I hear him ask.
Why is he calling me Sophia? He usually calls me baby, sometimes even bitch. Why would he say my name over and over?
“Please Sophia, just try,” I hear him say.
So I attempt to open my eyes. But it’s very difficult.
“I can’t, Ryan,” I whisper.
“I’m not Ryan, Sophia, just open your eyes and I’ll tell you everything,” he says.
“I’m trying. What do you mean you’re not Ryan? Who the fuck are you?” he tries to take my hand but I pull away.
“I’m Trevor. I’m sorry we have to meet this way.”
“Trevor? Trevor? Daniel’s friend?”
“Yes. You remember me. That’s good,” he says. But, I don’t really remember anything.
“I don’t know you, sorry. Where is Ryan?”
I hear another male voice explain something about a concussion. I’m assuming they are talking about me, but I’m not sure. It’s all a big riddle to me.
“Will someone answer my question?”
“Do you remember Daniel?” I hear Trevor’s voice.
“Yes, he’s a friend,” I answer.
“Just a friend, Sophia?”
“What’s with the twenty questions?”
“Daniel is in ICU. He’s been shot.” I hear more people come into the room.
“How is she?” I hear a female voice.
“I’m fine. Will someone tell me what happened to my boyfriend?”
“He’s in ICU honey, let’s get you all healed up so you can see him,” the female nurse says as I hear Trevor whisper something to her.
“Will someone tell me what’s going on?” I start to wiggle in the bed.
“Let me get her some more,” the female says as the doctor mumbles something back.
The bed is uncomfortable; I’m definitely not home. The smell is horrible, not my usual vanilla scented candle. My nose is filled with the smells of Lysol and bleach. I hear a lot of background noise I miss my radio. I miss my mandolin man’s serenade. I’m not sure where I am. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here, or why I’m here. I have a headache and when I try to open my eyes, I can’t. They burn. They feel dry; like sandpaper is under my eyelids. I’m not sure of anything. I feel dazed. I feel as if I’d been hit with a baseball bat and don’t even know my own name. It’s Sophia, I think.
“Try to get some sleep, I’ll be right here when you wake up,” I hear Trevor’s voice.
– ### –
Hours, maybe days, I don’t even know, later I feel someone’s hand on mine. It feels familiar. I don’t want to let go. But I also am afraid to look. Their skin is smooth and soft. Whoever it is rubs my fingers. I feel a pleading for me to come back to reality. I’m on my way is all I think. I think I know this man. It is a manly hand on mine.
“Come back to me, babe,” I hear him softly whisper. “I won’t leave you.”
It’s my Daniel. It must be him. That’s why the hand feels so familiar. He’s mine. He’s here. I love him. I’ve always loved him. It’s always been him. I have to get back to my love.
Slowly I make my way back. I start to open my eyes. It’s bright. The room is white. I continue to blink, to see anything besides white. For so long I’ve seen darkness, now there’s a blinding light. Is it the light at the end of the tunnel? His hand never leaves mine.
“Come back to me baby, I need you,” I hear him say. I can hear the worry in his voice.
I can see images, more like shadows and silhouettes. I keep struggling to open my eyes. I blink rapidly, trying to see clearly. I need to see him. I have to make sure it really is him, my Daniel, my love.
“She’s coming back, Trevor, look,” he says.
I hear another excited voice, “I knew she would once she felt you.”
“Babe, it’s me, Daniel,” he says.
Daniel? Daniel is here? Daniel is here. I knew it was him. It wasn’t a dream after all. He’s here. He didn’t die. He didn’t leave me. He would never leave me. He’s my one and only.
“Daniel,” I whisper as I stare into his face and see his features come into focus.
“Yes, it’s me,” he leans in and kisses my forehead.
“What happened?” I ask confused.
“We’ll talk about it when you’re fully awake, let me go get the doctor.” My eyes follow him leave in a wheelchair.
Trevor is right beside me, “You’ve been pretty out of it,” he says as the doctor comes in and starts to poke at me and commands me to follow a light with my eyes.
“She’s looking much better,” the doctor says as he pats Daniel on the shoulder on his way out.
“How long was I out?” I beg for answers. As confusing as this all is, I feel better, knowing my Daniel is here. He is still by my side.
“A couple of days. Do you remember anything?” Daniel asks.
“I’m going to go out and get some coffee and let you, two, talk.” Trevor kisses my forehead and leaves the room.
“He never left your side while I was in ICU,” Daniel says, as he squeezes my hand tight.
“Why?”
“Because he was worried he’d lose both of us and he couldn’t be with me so he wanted to be sure to be here for you in case you woke up distraught.” He still hasn’t let go of my hand.
“That’s nice of him.” I smile. “Will you tell me what happened? I don’t remember.”
“Trevor mentioned you looking for Ryan,” I looked at him in shock and interrupted.
“Ryan? Why would I ask for Ryan?” I can’t believe I would look for him.
“Do you know Ryan?”
“Of course I know Ryan. He’s dead isn’t he?”
A sigh of re
lieve slipped Daniel’s mouth, “Oh, thank god,” he whispers.
“Why?”
“Because you called him your boyfriend, you were worried about him, you seemed to think you were together,” he mumbles.
“I’m sorry babe, but he’s far from ever being a boyfriend,” I reassure him. “So, how did we get here? You’re in a wheelchair. I’m in a bed hooked up to some crazy machines.”
“We were shot,” he bluntly announces.
I try to think about what happened. Nothing seems to make sense. I only remember bits and pieces and they don’t really come together. I must have blacked out.
“What’s the last thing you remember, babe?” he asks me as I try to put the pieces together.
“I remember standing by a tree. I remember looking at something.” I think really hard. “It was… a funeral… I think?”
“Yes, it was Ryan’s funeral. He hung himself in jail.” He helps me put the pieces together.
“That’s right. We were by the tree because I didn’t want to be part of that. I hate Ryan, Daniel, I despise him.”
“Yes, and when the funeral was over we waited for everyone to leave,” he continues.
“Right. But I remember looking at someone while they were leaving.” I look around trying to remember who that was.
“Yes you did. Do you remember who that was?”
“It was a guy… I think.”
“It was Rob, Ryan’s brother,” he adds.
“Oh shit, yes it was. I remember the anger in his eyes. Fuck. I remember him reaching for something in the passenger seat.” Everything comes flooding back. I remember it all.
“He,” he starts, but I interrupted him.
“He pulled out a gun, he shot us Daniel,” I see it all clearly now.
“Yes he did.”
“Fuck. What happened to him? Did they catch him?” I’m starting to get frantic.
“Calm down babe, Trevor took care of him.” He tries to calm me down. His hand is hot on mine.
“I can’t breathe,” I stutter.
“Breathe in, breathe out.” His voice is so smooth and his words are soothing, but all I want to do is hurl.