Falter

  “Well, maybe that is my gift. I can’t be a demon, Gavyn.” I struggled to calm the sudden trembling in my words. “Wouldn’t that make me evil or something? I mean, I’m not a nun by any means, but I don’t think I’m evil. Am I?”

  Take it back. Say the words—“No Nevaeh, you’re not evil.”

  “No, I don’t think you’re evil, but none of us have ever come across anything like this. There are very few things in this life that have rules or protocols, Nevaeh. They just…are. This though—the crossing realms thing—that is only for the otherworldly beings.” He offered a comforting smile. “We have to tell Malach.”

  “I thought he already knew. And why do you keep smiling? This isn’t a good thing, Gavyn.” The urge to completely hyperventilate and freak out was closing in on me fast.

  “He knew something happened, but he wasn’t sure what. He’s not your angel, so he can’t lock in on you completely. He just knew something very important happened to you. I think once you went into the portal, you fell off their radar.”

  “Wait, you said he’s not my angel. I have an angel? They can track me?”

  “Yeah, we all do. We don’t usually see them, but they keep tabs on us. Especially Celatum. We are more at risk, so they stay close in case we need help.”

  “Well, who’s my angel? I think I’ve definitely needed some major help in the past few days.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, how do you know Malach isn’t my angel?”

  “He’s not a Guardian, he’s an Arch. He only comes to interfere when the demons have crossed their boundaries. For instance, when the demon took George, that wasn’t supposed to happen. The angels should have lifted him. Unfortunately, Malach told me that once the demon harvested George’s soul, he was powerless to do anything about it. Malach would’ve had to cross his boundaries. The devastation of that would be far beyond the loss of one soul.”

  I started crying, my chest shuddering in between ragged breaths. Gavyn wiped the tears streaming down my cheeks with his knuckle.

  “Malach is sorry, Nevaeh,” he whispered.

  “He’s sorry? Oh, well, that fixes everything.” My words lashed back at him. “So, before I could even ‘make a decision’,” I said snarkily, “George got caught in the crossfire. Now, Malach is sorry. Well, I can’t accept that. Why didn’t he come sooner? Why did he wait until the last of George’s soul was sucked into that monster?” Gavyn sat patiently on the bed beside me, trying to hug the hurt and anger away, letting me get it all out. “If I’m the only one who can cross realms, then I’ll do it again. If that’s what it takes to free George. I heard him when I was there. I know I can find him.”

  “No, Nevaeh. Just wait until we can talk to Malach. Maybe he can talk to your Guardian and get more answers. We can’t be sure that going to the other side won’t pull you over. They have Celatum like me that can sway you. You are very vulnerable right now. Without you choosing sides, you are up for grabs so to speak. And, if you are part demon, I’m sure it will be harder to resist them. Your spirit is at its weakest right now.”

  I reached up and entangled my right index finger in a curl dangling over my shoulder while contemplating his words. “I’m thinking maybe I don’t want to choose. I don’t want to be under the power of Satan, but right now, I can’t see agreeing to work under angels and a God that isn’t much interested in helping me when I need them.”

  “You’ll leave your gifts and your soul to be fed on by the demons, then. If they figure out that there is even a chance that you are The Clavis, I can’t imagine what they will do to get you. They won’t leave you alone. They won’t let you live out the rest of your life in peace, Nevaeh.”

  The fear I saw in his eyes shocked me. It was like he was picturing what would happen to me if that occurred. I couldn’t bear looking at him and lowered my head.

  “Besides, without knowing exactly what you can do, none of us have any clue what that might mean for those around you. Your gifts will be way stronger than mine.”

  Gavyn guided my hand away from the curl I wrapped around my finger and engulfed it in his.

  “I’m not ready to make a decision, Gavyn. If there is a chance to save George’s soul, I will sacrifice whatever it is I have to.” I sighed, regretting my next agreement. “But, I’ll wait long enough to talk to Malach.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Who Am I?

  “So, I’m right this time.” The warrior angel leaned back, pinning his glimmering wings between his body and the futon. Superiority and contentment lit his majestic face upon finding out that his hunch may be correct.

  I watched Malach smile proudly and devour a bowl of sugary cereal from the other side of the room. Keeping my distance, I found, was a necessity when around him. It helped dull the incessant need to jump on the angel and make love to him—to smother him, and weep at his feet. The ever-shifting emotions he evoked were overwhelming. Even with me at the other end of the room, I felt the urge to bow down, crawl to him, and graciously suck on his toes in order to touch his magnificence. Thankfully, my compulsion to slap the smug-ass look off his face, as well as my anger towards him for the robbery of George’s soul, counteracted the call to love him.

  “We don’t know for sure, but she’s done something I’ve never heard of before. That’s why we’re coming to you.” Gavyn spoke to the angel while he monitored the strain that must’ve been apparent on my face.

  “Ah. So what is it that happened when your connection to us went dark, darling? Did you go Dark, too?” His arrogant grin said he’d made up his mind about what had happened. He was already accusing me and judging me for taking the other side.

  A rush of hate blazed inside me. I clenched the edge of the counter I was sitting on. Bruises would form on the pads of my fingers from the pressure, but the pain of it helped me overcome my yearning enough to function and communicate with the being I was growing to despise.

  “No, I didn’t go Dark. Yet.” I snarled the last word as a threat. “However, I did go somewhere dark. I guess I crossed into Hell. Unless there are other realms that you haven’t told me about? You seem to be good at keeping important details to yourself.” I snapped, waiting for him to respond—hoping he felt the anger I was shooting at him with my eyes.

  “Well, to my knowledge, there are four. Heaven, Hell, Human, and Spirit.” He smirked, again. I was sure he was thrilled to have so much information hanging over my head. “Only one would cause our link to you to sever.”

  “Then you already knew the answer, why bother asking?” I retorted.

  His expression softened. “Until now, we didn’t think it was possible.”

  “Why didn’t He tell you?” I jerked my chin toward the ceiling, implying the All-Knowing-One.

  “God,” he said, insisting the respect I hadn’t given Him, “only tells us what we need to know. If He doesn’t want us to know, then we don’t. We are just as human as you when it comes to the intellect of God.” A moment of humiliation and modesty lessened his harsh demeanor for the blink of an eye before his cockiness returned. “We knew you left somehow. We weren’t sure if you had chosen the other side, or if you were taken.”

  “So, if I choose to go Dark, you can’t see me anymore?”

  “No,” he growled. “Make sure that is not the incentive you use to make your decision, Nevaeh. You will pay for your freedom from us dearly if you do.”

  “Don’t worry. I won’t even consider you when it comes time. If the circumstances call me to the other side, you will be the last thing I consider.” Nobody mattered more than George.

  “So, you are still toying with the idea, then?” Malach raised an eyebrow, expecting an answer.

  “I thought we were gonna talk about the possibility that she’s The Clavis.” Gavyn interrupted, redirecting the conversation.

  “As we shall,” Malach replied, not breaking his intense stare from mine. He searched my soul for an answer that wasn’t there. Refusing to allow him time to find
the answer before I did, my sight settled on Gavyn and the unease he seemed to be experiencing.

  “What do we know so far?” he asked Malach, possibly as ready to get this over with as I was.

  “She can see demons, not just when they take a soul, but any time they are near her. Her father is unknown to the angels. She has crossed portals. She has visions, another gift not given to just anyone. Oh, and her Guardian seems to be M.I.A.” His lovely face turned to Gavyn, relaying something I didn’t understand.

  “What does that mean? I have a Guardian, right?” I gulped down the panic rising in my throat. “I don’t know exactly what difference that makes, but I should have one, right? Everybody has one, don’t they?” My words tumbled out, scared and rushed.

  Guardians kept us safe and watched over us. If I don’t have one…I don’t even want to think what that might mean.

  The concern on Gavyn’s face didn’t help alleviate my worry.

  “Apparently, your Guardian has chosen to take a leave of absence from the Good Graces.” Disappointment flickered in Malach’s eyes.

  “Leave of absence?” My voice squeaked like a preteen boy in puberty.

  “Yes. He’s not completely fallen, but has chosen to break ties with us.” Again, he looked at Gavyn. “You see, God gave us the same choice as the Celatum. We too can choose sides. Seems your Guardian has chosen to become neutral. He is static—as are you at the moment.” Distaste layered Malach’s words. Gavyn sat on the bar stool next to me heavy in thought, offering no response.

  “Where does that leave me then?” I felt lost. Even living on the streets with George, I never felt truly lost the way I do now.

  “That means you’re the closest thing to The Key so far, and you no longer have someone to spiritually guide you into your gifts or through life.” He spat the words through clenched teeth. Surprisingly, Malach didn’t direct his anger at me; he appeared upset with my Guardian, or lack thereof.

  “And if I have no spiritual guidance—“

  Gavyn cut me off, “Your inherent conscience will begin to fail.”

  “And that would be bad.” If I had no control of my conscience, if I chose the Dark, and if I was this Clavis they say I am—with so much power—I could be disastrous in any realm. The meaning of what they said began to weigh on my soul, drowning me in regret for thinking so selfishly. If that was the case, I couldn’t pick George over the Light.

  Just then, I understood Malach and his choice not to take George’s soul back from the demon. I understood that sometimes, one soul is not worth that which might be lost in the outcome. A sharp pang in my chest forced tears from my eyes. My heart would forever ache for George if I didn’t at least try to redeem him, but how could I, knowing what I know now?

  “Why would my Guardian choose to be neutral?” I asked as I fought back sobs.

  “I don’t know.” For the first time, I saw the warrior angel’s gaze fall to the floor, his expression confused and sad. “I have told you all that I know, Nevaeh. The fact that I’m not being given more information is another reason why I suspect you’re The Clavis.”

  “I don’t understand. You know things, but then you don’t?”

  “Look, I’m an Arch. My duty is in battle and worldly concerns. I don’t meddle in individual matters. That is what Guardians do. They are the beings that carry humans through life, guiding, inspiring, consoling, and tending to their souls. That is their job, to whisper in the ears of a human, to steer them to righteousness without forcing or overcoming free will…,” his stern eyes filled with pain for his brethren, “just to have those ears turn the other way. Constant disappointment and sorrow come to those beings. In the end, the sin you humans are born with usually gets the best of you and betrays the bonds the Guardians have strived to nurture for so much of their lives.”

  His expression steeled, straining to hide the painful emotions he truly felt. “This is not what I was made for. So, no, I don’t know much about you. And it’s not my job to feed your bratty need for answers.”

  I decided not to push his temper and sat in silence.

  He set the empty bowl down on the coffee table in front of him and leaned back against his wings, crossing his ripped arms over a muscled chest. “All angels are connected in a way. We can feel when another is hurt, happy, needing help or missing. However, we share our knowledge the same way as yours, word of mouth. We are not all-knowing as He. The information I’ve gotten, my dear, is from talking to the Guardians. The only reason I intervened here the other night was because I was given orders to.”

  “What orders?” I asked quietly.

  His teeth clenched, and his jaw twitched with superiority. “The Lord wanted me involved. For some unknown reason, He sent me to tend to this matter—whatever it is.”

  “But why would you be sent if it’s an individual matter?” My brain screamed from overload, struggling to connect the dots.

  “I don’t question—I do what I’m told. All I can think is that the outcome of whatever happens with you will be of grave importance to all realms.” A sly smile lifted at one corner of his mouth.

  “So, how can we know if I am this ‘Clavis’ for sure?”

  “I don’t know, yet.”

  I was flipping-the-fuck-out inside. My heart pounded, my breath rushed in and out, and my mind raced with jumbled questions. “Why would God hold these things from you? I mean, you’d think He would want me on his side and would do whatever was necessary to get me there,” I whined.

  “He has reasons for what He does. We don’t always see the logic in it.” Watching me roll my eyes at his cliché response, he continued, “Think about it. If a child accepts Him freely on their own, aren’t they more likely to stay with Him? Their love stronger and more adamant than if they were persuaded or forced? He strives for true love. He accepts the choices made against Him, no matter the pain. But remember, just because He forgives you and loves you when you stray, doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences from your own accord.”

  His words burned through my heart. I knew the right thing to do, but was it in me to do it? Did I have the strength to leave George to suffer the torture I saw in the portal? At this very second, he could be experiencing unimaginable agony. The possibility of one of those demons harming him made my chest constrict.

  “What’s the next move?” Gavyn chimed in after a moment of silence between Malach and I.

  The angel tore his eyes away from me. I know he could see the battle inside me. The fact that I even had to think about it seemed to intrigue him. “Right now, there is nothing more to do. Not until I find out more—or she declares herself,” he answered Gavyn, then directed his accusing glare back toward me. “It would be nice if we could find your Guardian.”

  “Sure, I’ll just charge up the angel tracker strapped to my back.” I snorted at the ridiculous thought and rolled my eyes.

  “You will know when you find them. You will have a bond that is unlike any other.”

  As the words left his smiling lips, only one face flashed into my mind. I inhaled the whisper of his name. “Archard.” When I forced his image from my thoughts, I realized I was clenching the counter even harder now, and Gavyn and Malach were watching me intently.

  “Nevaeh, do you know who it is?” Hope laced Gavyn’s tone.

  “No,” I lied. I couldn’t tell him, yet. I cared for him too much. If Archard was my Guardian, it would explain the strength of my feelings when I was near him. Maybe, I could stop it. Maybe, I could control the bond, now that I knew why it was there. But I couldn’t tell Gavyn until I knew my feelings for Archard were nothing more than a pesky side effect of our supernatural tie to each other. And there wasn’t a chance in Hell I was going to give Malach any more insight than I had to.

  My eyes followed along one of the Archangel’s soft wings. He lifted an overconfident eyebrow at me. Could he know that I might have an idea of who my Guardian is?

  Knock, knock.

  A light tapping at the door made
us all jump. Before I could even get off the counter, Malach was up and blasting through the ceiling. The pressure was a mere gust of energy now. A beautiful mixture of colors beamed down from the silvery opening of his portal. The sight was mesmerizing—like a rainbow of warped, wavy reflections. I could almost enjoy his portals opening and closing now.

  Gavyn passed under the puddle on the ceiling as it shrunk down to one tiny drop of water and disappeared. “I’m comin’,” he called to the door.

  I moved into the hallway in case it was Layla.

  “Hey, man, I just wanted to know if you needed me to open up. We’re all ready down there.” The voice was male. I released my breath. “Oh…and Layla left a note for you.” A white envelope crossed over the threshold as Gavyn reached for it.

  “Yeah. Can you go ahead and unlock the doors?” He glanced back at me and then again to the person at the door. “I’ll be down in a few.” Gavyn gently pressed the door shut and walked towards me, tossing the envelope onto the bar.

  “Aren’t you gonna open it?” I tried to hold back my surprise at his gesture.

  “Nah.” He made the last few steps and wrapped his arms around my waist, “Nothing to worry about now. You have enough to deal with.” He smiled then intersected my beginnings of a protest with a kiss, soft and sweet. “Now, get ready. I have human duties to take care of, and you’re going to the library. See if you can find anything about the Guardian Angels and The Clavis there.”

  “First of all,” I pulled at the droopy sweats I had on, implying that I didn’t have any clothes. “Second of all, do you really think there will be anything in the library about the story?” I wasn’t about to admit that it might be a prophecy.

  “Yes, I do. Other Celatum have jobs, too. Some of them are authors, and I’m willing to bet that they documented stuff about this life. Besides, you need to learn as much as you can.”