He looked around his big empty house. He loved this house. But when he stepped into the coach house, it felt like home. Home was love, acceptance, and yeah, tantrums and sick kids and frustration and anger. But also somewhere you belonged. It was family.
She made him wish for that…a different kind of life than he’d envisioned. Except, maybe that was what he’d really wanted all along. He’d thought that when he had enough money to buy a nice house in a nice neighborhood, he’d have the home he’d never really had as a kid. But a home is more than that. It’s the people in your life. A house is just a place—it’s the people you cared about that make it a home.
His mom and dad hadn’t been the best parents, but they’d done what they could, and there’d never been any question that they loved their sons…enough to let him go live with someone else so he could fulfill his dreams and have a better future.
How hard had that been for them?
That was love. Sacrifice. Selflessness. No expectation of anything in return.
He closed his eyes and pulled in a long, slow breath through his nose.
Yeah. He was falling for Jodie…if not already there. He’d been miserable since the day he’d ended things with her, distracting himself from the pain in his chest by focusing on hockey. Then he’d been distracted by the disappointment of losing. Truth? Missing Jodie hurt way more than losing.
Fucked. He was truly fucked.
He’d found a woman who saw more than his gruff exterior. He’d found a woman he admired, who he lusted after not only for her sexy body but for her heart and her mind. And he’d blown it.
A sense of despair flooded him, and he leaned on the island, head in his hands. Shit.
He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, wallowing in misery, his head full of rambling, disjointed thoughts.
Then he remembered Coach talking to them after they’d lost the other day. Failure doesn’t mean the game is over. It means try again…with experience. We’ll be back next year…to try again. And we’ll have this experience to make us stronger.
He lifted his head and stared blindly across the kitchen. Cautious hope ballooned inside him, shivering and warm.
Okay, he’d screwed up, but that didn’t mean the game was over. He could try again.
He was no coward. He could do this. If Hallsy could go lay his beating heart in front of Kendra for her to potentially stomp on…he could do it too.
He wasn’t going to rush over there though. He needed a plan. He rubbed his face, then huffed out a laugh. The first thing he had to do was get rid of this butt ugly “face fur” that Jodie (and Zyana) didn’t like.
* * *
—
Zyana was in bed. The house was quiet. Jodie wandered around the main floor, studying the open space. A little over a week and they’d be gone. She eyed the boxes piled in the corner of her “office”; she’d already started packing.
She was going to miss this little house.
She was going to miss Nick. Her heart contracted painfully.
She squeezed her eyes closed against the tears that threatened. She already missed him. And so did Zyana. It broke her heart even more when Zyana talked about him and asked when he was coming over.
Earlier, when she’d gone over to tell him they were moving out, she’d been shaking so hard she almost couldn’t walk or talk. She hadn’t even admitted to herself how much she’d hoped he would say something…anything…that would give them another chance. That he’d beg them to stay. Yeah, she was crazy. Disappointment had lodged in her throat as she’d walked back to the coach house, tears sliding down her cheeks.
Leaving would mean things were really over between them.
She picked up an empty box and carried it over to the bookcase to start packing some of her books. She sat cross-legged on the floor and began setting books in the box. Her nose stung, and she pulled in a long, slow breath, fighting more tears. She almost didn’t hear the soft knock on the door.
Jodie cocked her head. Had she imagined that? She slowly rose and crossed to the door. Nick stood outside.
Her heart skittered and raced, and her palms dampened. What was he doing here? Returning more stuff they’d left at his place?
She opened the door. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“You shaved.”
“Yeah.” He lifted a hand and rubbed his jaw. “Playoffs are over for us.”
He’d had that unkempt beard for so many weeks, she’d almost forgotten what he looked like without it—his high cheekbones and strong jaw and beautiful mouth. She wanted to trace her fingers over his smooth skin…over his lips…
“Can I come in?”
“Oh. Yeah.” She was all distracted by his face. She stepped aside, rubbing her damp palms on her jeans.
He carried in a box and set it on the island.
“Did we leave more things at your place?” She followed him.
“No. I brought this for you.” He hesitated. “But could we talk for a few minutes before I give it to you?”
“Sure.” Her heart bumped, and she swallowed but gestured to the couch. She followed him there and picked up a cushion to hold as she sat too. She thought her heart might explode, it raced so fast.
He raked a hand through his hair, which had also been cut, back to his short style with neat sideburns. His knee was bouncing like a jackhammer.
She eyed him curiously. “Is something wrong?”
“No.” He cleared his throat. “I mean, yes.”
Her eyebrows pulled together. She rubbed the cushion nervously.
“I didn’t want a family.”
She gazed at him, her heartbeat hammering in her throat.
“I thought I was better off without a family. That way I wouldn’t let anyone down and I didn’t need to worry about losing them.”
Her insides tightened even more.
“I was happy being alone. I like working around my house, refinishing my furniture. I like hanging out with the guys sometimes, but I don’t mind staying home.”
“I know.”
“But somehow that changed.” He held her gaze steadily. “When I met you.”
Her chest squeezed, and her breath stuck in her throat.
“My house seems empty without you. And Zyana.” The corners of his mouth lifted briefly. “Another lie I told myself…that I hate kids.”
She dragged in a shaky breath and gripped the cushion.
“I was alone,” he continued. “But I didn’t feel lonely. Until I didn’t have you anymore.”
She stared at him, her mind paralyzed, terrified to think about where he was going with this.
“I thought I didn’t want a family. But…” He bowed his head. “I think all along, that was all that I wanted. Someone to love me. Someone to love.” He lifted his head, his eyes dark and serious. “I’m in love with you, Jodie.”
She let out a strange sound that was part sob, part whimper, afraid to believe in what he was saying.
“You made me want a different life. I love how you go for what you want. Having a baby. Starting a business. Moving to Chicago. You’re the bravest person I know.”
She slowly moved her head from side to side. Her heart landed in her throat, and she had to fight to be able to speak. “I think you’re brave.”
“You called me a coward.”
“Okay, yeah.” She bit her lip. “You can be both.”
He blew out a chuckle.
“Really. You’ve lost your parents and your brother. You’re so brave about it. I know how hard it is for you. But you keep going. You keep playing. You do that work with CMHA to help other people. I think that takes courage. But…” She tilted her head. “I did think you were a coward when it came to love.”
“You were right. Hallsy told me that too. So I thought about it, and I h
ave to admit it’s true. That’s why I’m here.” He clasped his hands together, elbows on his knees. “I’m trying to be brave enough to tell you I love you…I love your heart. I love how much you love your daughter. That kind of love…it’s beautiful. I love your patience with her. Your kindness. Your unselfishness. I love how smart you are, even though it kind of scares me.”
Her trembling lips curved.
His eyes dropped there. “I’m fascinated with your mouth. It’s so fucking hot…I love the way it looks. I love the way you taste. I love what you can do with that mouth.”
Her lips quirked, and her belly did a flip.
“And weirdly enough, I love the stuff that comes out of your mouth.”
“I talk a lot.”
“I know. But Jesus, you make me laugh. You make me think. You make me feel good…like I might even deserve someone like you.”
“Oh.” Her breath whooshed out, her belly heating.
“You make me feel things I’d forgotten. Caring for someone else more than anything. Protective. And…you made me have fun. I’d forgotten how to have fun.”
She set her fingers over her mouth, pressure building behind her eyes and in her chest. “Nick.”
“This afternoon when I was thinking about stuff, I remembered something Coach said after we lost. Just because we lost doesn’t mean the game’s over…well, the game was over, yeah, but he was talking about ‘the game,’ which is sort of a metaphor, I think. Anyway, he said we can try again, with experience. And I hoped maybe I…we…could try again.”
He gazed at her with a hopeful, humble light in his eyes.
She sucked her trembling bottom lip and blinked her stinging eyes. “Oh.”
“I brought you this.” He stood and walked over to the island. He opened the box and reached in, lifting something that appeared to be heavy. He turned, and she saw the elephants in his hands…the Garbini sculpture they’d seen that day they’d been antiquing. She set her hand over her mouth, her heart leaping into overdrive.
“I know why you love elephants. You and Zyana. I was reading more about them. How smart they are. How sensitive and empathetic. How they have strong family bonds and stick together.” He held up the sculpture of the elephants with their trunks intertwined. “This is love.”
He walked over and set it on the coffee table.
She didn’t know what to say. Her heart was exploding in rapid beats, stealing her breath.
“I’m so sorry it took me this long to figure out what the hell I’m feeling. I’ve never felt like this before.”
Neither have I. She stared at him, her hand on her throat. She wanted to tell him how she felt…how much she loved him and missed him and how much his humility and remorse and bravery touched her. But she was so afraid to believe what he was saying. He’d been definite that he didn’t want a family. Not that he was proposing marriage now, but he’d ended things between them…and that still hurt like a motherfucker.
His gaze dropped and he shoved his hands into his pockets, shoulders hunched. “I don’t deserve it. I know that. I fucked up. I’m sorry again.” He met her eyes once more. “I do love you, Jodie. And…I love Zyana too.”
Oh God. Her throat ached, and that pressure behind her eyes increased. Her mouth trembled. She knew if she tried to talk, she’d cry.
“I’m so sorry for what happened with her ear. I understand if you can’t forgive me for that. I feel like shit that I couldn’t look after her better.” He paused. “I’ll just…go.” He turned and trudged to the door.
She watched him go, agony slicing through her like burning knives, paralyzing her. “Nick!” His name emerged as a croak.
He heard it though, stopping and turning.
“I…need some time.”
He gave her a long look, then a short nod. And he left.
Chapter 26
Nick would rather have his appendix removed with no anesthetic and a rusty scalpel than to go to a party. But it was at Hallsy’s place and it was the end of the season and the last chance to hang out with his teammates before everyone started dispersing all over the world. Pilker had already gone back to Sweden, and Ronner had left for Newfoundland.
Stepping into their condo, he handed Kendra the bottle of expensive red wine he’d picked up, which he knew she liked. He’d considered buying a case of the stuff in the hopes that it would soften her up. She was probably still pissed at him and that was going to make the evening awkward.
She gave him a small smile as she took the wine and saw what it was. “Thank you, Nick.”
Huh. She didn’t seem that angry. He had no charming lines, so he said, “I’m an idiot.”
“Ha-ha. Yeah, you are. But you can’t help it. You’re a man.”
“Thanks for understanding.” One corner of his mouth kicked up.
She laughed again. “Come on in.”
He followed her into the spacious living room, the lights of the city sparkling outside the big floor-to-ceiling windows. Music played, and the room hummed with chatter and laughter. He greeted his teammates and their various wives, girlfriends, and dates as he made his way to the kitchen where he saw Hallsy and knew he’d find beer.
“Dude.” Hallsy wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in for a hug. “You made it.”
Nick grinned. Hallsy was loose already. In fact, everyone seemed pretty well lubricated. Except for the pregnant ones, and Duper, also known as Captain Codger, who rarely got drunk.
Hallsy handed him a shooter.
Nick eyed it doubtfully. “What is it?”
“Just drink it.”
He shrugged, tossed the drink back, then scrunched his face up. “What the hell?”
“It’s a Pickleback.” Hallsy chortled. “Jameson and pickle juice.”
“Ugh. That’s just wrong.”
“We’re trying all different kinds,” Chaser said. “We brought this recipe book.” He tapped the book with his casted arm.
It was then Nick realized Jordyn Banks was standing next to him. His eyes bugged out. He looked back and forth between them. Chaser seemed relaxed, smiling easily, his good arm around Jordyn, and she looked…the same. Nick shot a raised-eyebrows look at Hallsy, who nodded, still grinning.
Hey. A happy ending. He’d drink to that.
“This one’s a Redheaded Slut.” Chaser handed him another small glass. “Jägermeister, peach schnapps, cranberry juice.”
Nick grimaced but tossed it back. “Well, that’s better than a Pickleback.”
Then he froze. Because Jodie was there. Standing beside Brick.
She was here.
Shit! She couldn’t be there with Brick! What the fuck?
He met her eyes and glared.
She blinked and gave him a nervous smile.
He frowned. Oh hell. This party was about to get ugly.
“Here.” Jodie handed him another shooter.
He jerked his chin down and stared at the glass. Without thinking, he took it. “What’s this one?”
She held his gaze. “Honey Dew Me.”
His jaw dropped. Heat suffused his body, and for a few seconds it felt like they were alone in the room—their eyes lasered on each other, his heart galloping. Her smile turned sultry, and his dick stirred.
“Bärenjäger, lemon liqueur, and orange juice,” Brick said.
Nick shook his head. Right. He looked down at the drink, then lifted it to his lips.
He met Jodie’s eyes again as he downed it.
Okay, this was going to end up like the last time he’d been to a party here—him drunk and passed out in one of the beds.
That had been Jodie’s bed.
He swallowed.
Everyone else was pouring more shooters, talking, laughing uproariously, oblivious to the fact that Jodie was watching him and he wa
s watching her and the room was really, really hot.
“Marc.”
Everyone turned to see Lovey standing in the doorway. Her hand was on her belly, and her face was tight. “We have to go.”
“Why?” Duper frowned.
“I’m in labor.”
“Jesus fuck.” Duper launched himself off the stool he was sitting on. “Osti de crisse de tabarnak de câlisse! Are you sure?”
“My water broke.” She bit her lip.
Nick now saw she had her sweater tied around her waist over her maternity jeans and loose top.
“Sacrament.” Duper grabbed her shoulders. “Okay, let’s go. Do you want me to carry you?”
“No.” She snorted. “I can walk.”
Nick’s eyebrows flew up at seeing their stoic captain, always calm and in control, completely freaking out. “You okay to drive, Duper?”
“Yeah. I just had one Slippery Nipple.”
“What?” Lovey’s mouth fell open.
“Never mind. We need to go. What do we need? We don’t have what we need. We should go home—”
“No, honey, we can’t go home.” Lovey hooked her arm through his and led him to the door. “We’ll just go to the hospital, okay?”
“Good luck!” people shouted.
Kendra trailed after them to the door. “You call as soon as you have news!”
“Holy shit.” Hallsy shook his head. “They’re having a baby.”
“Never seen Captain Codger flip his shit like that.”
Army, Duper’s best bud, said, “I have.”
Everyone laughed.
Nick met Jodie’s eyes again, unable to stop looking at her.
“Man, you’re gonna be an uncle.” Brick punched Army’s shoulder. “Why aren’t you freaking out?”
“Hell. I better phone Mom and Dad. Talk about flipping his shit…” Army dashed out, cellphone in hand.
“Her timing was pretty perfect,” Chaser said. “What if she’d gone into labor last week when we were still in the playoffs?”
“That would’ve sucked.”
“Somehow I doubt she planned this,” Jodie said.
Wow. Jodie’d been through that. The whole labor-and-delivery thing. Another reason she was amazing.
Big Stick Page 26