If only.
If only.
If goddamned only...
Hooking onto the I-90, she headed west to Mercer Island. Big-city traffic was hectic as usual, but she’d gotten used to it once she’d moved from Utah. Even driving the steep hills of Seattle didn’t bother her anymore. For once, the weather was perfect, just as Nathan had said. She couldn’t ask for a prettier day. Or a more depressing one.
I’ll bet even Mount Rainier is out. Like I care.
The only saving grace to her routine was The TEAM’s upcoming survival training, scheduled to begin bright and early Saturday morning, and conducted by a couple of heavyweight super-agents from the East Coast office. Mark Houston and Zack Lennox. They’d designed the rugged course. All selected TEAM members were to be dumped in the middle of the Hoh Rainforest on the western side of the Olympic peninsula. Without gear, food, or water, they were expected not only to survive for one entire seven-day week, but to navigate to a designated pick-up spot for retrieval, and do it in record time. Each TEAM member was given a different pick-up spot. No teamwork was allowed. She couldn’t wait.
Known for its extreme rainfall and lush, jungle-like terrain, the Hoh was laced with wilderness trails, plenty of animal life, and salmon in the icy-cold streams, but only if a person knew how and where to find them. The mighty Hoh also brimmed full of trees, every branch, twig, and tree trunk thick with velvety, suffocating moss and vines. That would be the real challenge—to not get lost in the dense green beneath an equally dense canopy. Some hiker had just found a light aircraft that had crashed more than a year ago within the Hoh. She needed to be that kind of lost.
The challenge sounded wonderful to Cassidy, the perfect remedy for her present state of mind. She had no doubt she’d excel. That was what she did. She’d hunted mule deer in the backwoods of Utah, fished monster halibut and salmon in Alaska, and bested the most dangerous ski runs on the planet. This was her kind of exercise, to be so isolated no one could find her, and left to fend for herself. Besides, this was the time to prove to Alex and Murphy she was back on her game. Maybe to herself as well.
Jude.
Of all the dirty tricks…
A man with glasses and dark hair caught her eye from the crosswalk while she idled at a red light in the middle of a hectic Seattle intersection. Her heart skipped a whole lot more than a single beat. The damned thing nearly leapt out of her throat.
Same build. Broad shoulders. Jeans. Simple button-up gray shirt. It had to be him. Her palm hit the horn without thinking twice before he got away. Jude! Wait! Turn around! I’m right here!
The guy kept walking. He never even tossed a glance her way. She looked twice, but he was lost in the busy crowd. Disappointment filled her like a cup of bitter day-old brew. It couldn’t have been him. She was seeing things. Damn.
For some stupid reason, her traitorous eyes brimmed with tears. The light changed to green. Traffic resumed, and she hurt all over again.
For the last week she’d been fighting a battle she wasn’t strong enough to win. Tender memories lurked too close to the surface. Gray eyes smiled out of her dreams with worried kindness. Her fingertips hungered for the angles and scruff of Jude’s too-serious chin and jaw; that tingle of warmth when she’d kissed his lips the first time. The smell of him. Part smoke. All man.
It was the intangible things that struck the hardest. A whiff of the breeze off Puget Sound zapped her back to the edge of the Saint John. Walking past Farmer’s Market on Pike Place with its colorful array of fresh fruit wasn’t much help, either. Her tongue craved a slice of the dragon fruit. Hell, her tongue craved Jude’s lips. His mouth. All the rest of him.
But the dark of nighttime was the worst. Cassidy could still hear his heartbeat beneath her ear. Strong. Steady. The heart of a warrior on the noblest mission a man could assume, that of a father on the hunt for his missing child. Cassidy couldn’t imagine a finer mission. Or a finer man.
She longed for the steel bands of his arms and the indescribable sense of safety he’d given her. Of all people. Her. An undercover operator who was tough enough to fight the world. Her. An over-confident woman who’d gotten herself into a bit of a pickle. Okay, make that a damned tight spot, but no one, as in no man on earth had ever gotten to her like Jude had.
She slapped her steering wheel. Even her sweet Magic reminded her of another cat at the opposite end of the country. Miss Fluffy. And that cat’s sweet owner. Judith. And damn it, every thought and every memory led her in the same circle. Always back to Jude.
That was why she needed to get lost in the mighty Hoh for a week. She needed space and time to sort out Rourke and Jude. There had to be a way to get these guys out of her heart, mind, and soul. Jude had been right all along. Romantic responses between people during extreme circumstances couldn’t be trusted. Her conflicted feelings proved it. Seven days of rugged hiking and struggling to survive ought to erase both of those men from her life forever.
After maneuvering her vehicle into its assigned parking stall in The TEAM’s underground garage, Cassidy opted for the stairs instead of the elevator. The three flights to her office guaranteed she’d be sweaty when she arrived, but the burn in her calves and thighs ought to replace the gnawing pain in her chest. She hoped.
She ran faster, pushed harder at every step. With sheer stubborn determination, she forced her thoughts and energy to the upcoming survival test. She was ready. She could do it. Once again, she’d be the toughest gal on The TEAM, the gal no man could best, not even on his finest day. The notion brought peace of mind. Competition never failed her.
Pushing the fire doors open, Cassidy took a deep breath and calmed. Hers was an office awhirl with male conversation, male ego, and plenty of testosterone. Familiar territory. One she used to rule and would again. She rolled the knot out of her neck and made another attempt to zero her soul. It didn’t work.
“Cassidy.” Murphy waved her over to the customer service desk. Her two favorite agents from the Alexandria, Virginia, office had arrived.
“There’s my girl!” Zack Lennox beamed when he saw her. “How’s Miss Cassidy?”
“Hey, Zack.” She leveled a fist at the tough guy’s massive upper arm. “Doing good. How about you?”
He was eye candy to the entire female population. East Coast. West Coast. And all those states in between. Still shaving his head, he cut an impressive profile in that TEAM shirt stretched across his muscular chest. Thick arms. Thick neck. A heart as big as the Pacific.
She’d never failed to get a kick out of going anywhere with him, even just to get coffee or sandwiches for the office. Female heads swiveled in his direction. Women flirted. Some gave him that silly call-me hand signal of thumb to ear and pinkie to lips. How stupid. Like he was that shallow of a guy? Not Zack.
He handled them like a pro. When they got too pushy, he’d reveal the tribal sleeve on his right shoulder, the one with the names of his wife, Mei, and their three daughters, LiLi, Song, and Miki. He had no problem telling those silly women he was a married man. Yeah. Zack was one of the good guys. Honest. Hard-working. And head-over-heels in love with his wife. Like Jude had been...
Shit. Focus! Everything is not about Jude.
Yes, it is, her heart whispered. Yes. It. Is.
Cassidy turned from Zack and ran straight into Mark Houston, who’d come up behind her. It was good seeing him again, too. Mark was Senior Agent-in-charge when she’d joined forces with The TEAM in her home state of Utah a couple of years back. The same time she’d quit the DEA. He’d gotten seriously hurt, and took several rounds. Almost died. Two other agents had been critically injured, two others kidnapped, and two more killed during that single operation. Mark was the reason she’d dumped her DEA career in the toilet and never looked back. Well, one of them. He’d had a tough job, but he’d tackled it head-on while her DEA buddies played politics and stayed safe.
Her friendship with him had been solid since day one. He’d given her a sterling recommendation, a
nd Alex had hired her on the spot. Mark had a light touch when it came to leading, training, and mentoring the new recruits. Alex was the hard ass, Murphy the grandfatherly type, but Mark was big brother, always in your corner even when you screwed up. It didn’t hurt that he was as big as a bear, either. Like Zack. All muscle.
“Cassidy!” He grabbed her up into a hug, which was pretty much any hug from the guy. Mark and Zack were both big bruisers—both could block a doorway just by showing up in the morning. Mark had daughters, just like Zack.
Just like Jude.
Damn. That man just would not leave her be!
“How’s Connor?” she asked when Mark placed her feet back on the floor.
Might as well get that little piece of gossip out of the way and in the open. She’d gotten a little too close to Connor Maher, another TEAM agent, on that failed Utah operation. Mark was there. He knew about it—not that there was much to tell. Connor had ended the op with Junior Agent Izza Ramos in his bed, not Cassidy Dancer. End of story.
“He’s good. They’ve got a baby boy now, too. Braxton. Little guy looks just like Jamie and Izza.”
Jamie. The baby Connor didn’t know Izza was pregnant with until they’d squared off in Utah and resolved their disconnects. His baby. Yeah. Good times. Not.
“How’s Libby?” Cassidy changed the subject to Mark’s wife. Connor was another one of those guys. She’d gotten too close to him. She got burned. Like she had with Rourke. Like Jude.
Focus, damn it, Dancer.
A flash of heat swarmed over her cheeks. Maybe Mark noticed it, too. He seemed to have an extra tender light in his eyes today. Maybe he’d been talking to Murphy or Alex. They knew what a mess she was.
“Libby’s good, but Murphy tells me you’re at the range most days. Still ol’ dead-eye, huh?”
“There’s no such thing as a good enough shot, is there?”
“We’ll see after this survival exercise.” He winked conspiratorially, glancing around the office at her teammates. Ben Ritchie, Roosevelt Jenner and Eric Reynolds surrounded Zack while Teague Daniels and Aaron Proctor were engrossed in conversation with Murphy. Rich Cleary and a couple of the others were at their desks on phone calls. Everyone seemed to be talking about some aspect of the upcoming training, and like her, they were raring to go.
“Hey, Cassidy,” Rich called from his desk, his hand over the receiver of his phone. “We’ve got a pool going. Eric says he’ll be first out of the Hoh. You in?”
“No way,” she shot back. “Why would I bet on him? If anyone’s going to be first, it’ll be me. Eric couldn’t find his backside with both hands and a spotlight. You all know that.”
A black pen sailed end over end through the air from several work cubicles away. “I heard that, Dancer.” Eric stabbed a finger in her direction, his eyebrow lifted in challenge. “You’re going down.”
She caught the pen easily, and sent it sailing right back at him. “Bring it, Reynolds.”
Eric was ex-USMC medic, an odd fit for a team of snipers, but a damned good man. He wasn’t usually this animated. The upcoming survival test must have everyone excited.
“I’m glad it’s you guys instead of me,” Paige Royal joined in. Murphy’s admin gal, she was a pretty redhead with dazzling blue eyes, and she was also one of Cassidy’s few actual girlfriends. “I’d be lost in no time. Murphy’d have to send the whole TEAM to find me.”
“Not if you’d been trained properly.” Mark winked again at Cassidy. “Did you know a person could survive for weeks on nothing but rainwater and banana slugs?”
Cassidy caught his drift. Paige was squeamish, and Mark was all tease.
“Ewww. Not me.” Paige’s upturned nose and eyes squeezed tight revealed her disgust. She gave Mark a friendly smack on his muscular upper arm. “Are you taking salt and pepper with you for those slugs you plan on eating to survive, smart ass?”
Mark took the hit with a big grin. God, he was handsome. “I prefer Tabasco. They’re best roasted over glowing embers. That’s when they sizzle. Like popcorn.”
“That’s it,” Paige declared with another smack. “Enough of the slimy slug talk. Beat it, Houston.”
“Aw, come one. It’s easy. If you peel the bark off a skinny willow branch and stick it straight up their mucous-covered little—”
“No! Stop!” She all but squealed. “I don’t want to know! You guys just go and... just go. Take your tasty slugs with you. Tabasco on chunks of icky slime nuggets? Yuck!”
Mark chuckled, his arms crossed over his chest. “What about you, Cassidy? You ready for a tough challenge?”
“You know I’m ready,” she answered confidently. “The sooner the better.”
“Good. We leave at zero four hundred Saturday. Wear enough clothing to keep you warm and bring a decent rain jacket. No weapons allowed except your knife. Be ready to go by—”
“She’s not going anywhere.”
Cassidy whirled around at those very defiantly spoken words from—Jude?
He stood at Paige’s customer service counter looking very tired, bedraggled, and a little green around the edges. He was there? Dressed in jeans and a simple button-up gray shirt, his glasses were crooked on his nose as usual and his hair needed combing.
God, he looks good.
Concern flashed across his face as he sized Mark up with one quick head-to-toe glare. Jude gulped, but he also shifted his weight like a man ready to fight. Cassidy couldn’t help but smile. He thought he had to fight Mark over her? Craziest guy ever.
Damn, he looks really, really good.
“What are you doing here?” She took a step toward him, her foolish heart already kicked into that free-falling, skydiving feeling. She didn’t like it. She hadn’t lost her nerve, not once in her whole career until the night she’d lost Rourke and Jude. To be honest, she hadn’t been herself since. Didn’t know how to get back to the smart-ass she used to be.
It needed to stop. She needed to be able to breathe again without her heart sticking in her throat.
He took a step toward her, his hands clenched at his side and shaking. His chest heaved, his breath coming in the short, hard bursts of someone who’d just run up the same flight of stairs she had. “I think the better question is, what are you doing here, Cassidy? Do you have any idea how long a flight it is from San Francisco to Jacksonville? Why the hell did you run?”
Her nose twitched. He’d gotten close enough she could smell him. Clean sweat. Body wash. Some flavor of musk and spice and him all rolled into one tempting treat. Every nerve ending prickled at the memory of being wrapped up in his arms, being squashed against that firm wall of his chest. Desire rippled up her spine and morphed into a buzzing bumblebee inside her head. It obliterated every last excuse as to why a long-distance relationship with him wouldn’t work.
The silence in the office didn’t escape her notice.
“Answer me,” Jude demanded. “I think I deserve an answer after everything I’ve been through.”
The very authoritarian snap to his voice startled her. Where was her mild-mannered savior who didn’t believe he was a hero? Cassidy swallowed hard. “I work here,” she explained in her most patient and controlled manner. “This is where I—”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” He rolled one shoulder, as if the weight of the world rested there. “You didn’t just come back to work. You ran away from me, damn it. I called your boss. I asked Alex to tell you to wait, that I’d be right there, but you left anyway.”
God, he was making this hard. “I needed to get back home, Jude. I have a job, you know.”
He stabbed his finger at the floor between them. “You. Walked. Out. On. Me.”
She winced. Not here. I don’t want to fight in front of my boss and teammates.
He never gave her a chance to say it. In two steps he was right in front of her, but still not touching her. She saw it clearly. The hurt in his eyes. The anger in his clenched jaw. And she’d put it there.
“If you’ve come all this way just to chew me out—”
“Knock it off,” he growled. “You know why I’m here.”
Her temper flared. He’d embarrassed her, and she wasn’t going to put up with it, and to be honest, she really didn’t know why he was there. He could’ve called, damn it. This could have been resolved with one simple cell phone conversation. Not here. Not in public.
“Listen,” she started again, deliberately infusing her words with a calm, professional tone. “Extreme circumstances create unreal expectations. People caught up in the middle of intense emotions—”
“Is that all I was to you? An unreal expectation? An intense emotion?” He inched closer. “Is that all Judith was? Just some kid to desert the first chance you got? Like her mother did to me?”
Ouch. Damn. Low blow. Cassidy gulped. She hadn’t thought how her leaving would affect Judith. She had nothing to say. No placating comment. No cocky comeback. Jude was right to be angry. She had run, and she wasn’t proud of it. Those two remaining steps between them felt like a solid wall.
“I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it.” His voice softened, the tension still tight. He stood so close she couldn’t miss the anguish in his eyes. Or that other emotion. The one that scared the hell out of her. The one that might send her flying off the edge of the world for good.
“You were going to get to know me better. I know, but I don’t belong there,” she whispered. “You have Judith, and she needs you, and—”
“But I love you, goddamnit.”
You do?
All at once, his big, warm hands cupped her jaw, his thumbs wiped away the tears. The tender light in his gray eyes melted the last of her resistance. She saw him then. Truly saw him. Jude was her safe landing zone. The familiar magnetic pull tugged her every bone and muscle toward him. All of her heart. God, she wanted to fling herself into his arms and beg forgiveness.
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