by Kaia Bennett
All at once her breath grew short and her eyes grew glassy as she stared down at the silver hummingbird lying against the satiny grey background. The note made perfect sense now.
In case you never feel brave enough to get the real thing.
That’s what the note clenched in her shaking hand said. She didn’t remember pulling out the chair, or sitting down. It was as if her mind had blocked out everything but the pain of staring down at this gift, her head in her hands and tears dripping and bursting onto the table.
Why couldn’t he have just let her be angry? Why couldn’t he have at least left her the hatred she was trying so hard to hold onto? Why did he have to take even that away from her in the very end?
What was she going to do now?
***
“Watch where the fuck you’re going!”
Flynn had been limping up the stairs when he was forced to hug the wall as two preteens ambled carelessly down the steps to rush out into the balmy night air. The boy gave him the finger while the girl laughed. If it had been any other day he might have made a point of scaring the shit out of him by barreling down the steps before he could blink. But he was too fucking tired. Always tired. It felt like he hadn’t slept in ages, and even though his schedule was finally clear of school, he felt more exhausted than ever.
He headed down the hall, turning to the right and slipping his key into the lock, knowing what he would find when he entered: silence and a key on the coffee table. His eyes immediately darted towards the coffee table when he opened the door, as if he were reserving one last smidgeon of hope that it wouldn’t be there, that she would have stayed long enough for them to talk.
But when his eyes darted over the smooth rectangular surface the key was sitting there, waiting. He closed his eyes and turned to close the door, turning the lock and then leaning his head against it for a moment. That was it. She was really gone this time.
“Why did you do this?”
He spun around, his heart thumping in his throat as he turned to see Gia sitting quietly at his kitchen table. She stared into his eyes, waiting for him to speak as if it was a perfectly normal thing for her to be there. He couldn’t find his voice for a moment, confusion making way for shock and then wary relief. She hadn’t left, but she didn’t look happy to be there either. His eyes dropped to the necklace rolling over her fingers, and her eyes followed his. She held the necklace up a little higher
Again she said, “Why did you do this?”
He slowly peeled his jacket off as he came towards the table. The look she gave him as her eyes snapped up quickly to meet his made him take the chair across from her. It was obvious in that look she wasn’t inviting him to come near or touch her. He slung his jacket over the chair and laid his keys on the table as he sat down.
“I wanted you to have something…something nice before you left,” he said quietly.
Her eyes darted over his. They were like melting ice, cold but with a hint of feeling, of softness underneath.
“Why would you want me to have something nice? You said you were done with me.”
“I lied.”
They both looked at each other with widened eyes for a moment, and Flynn wasn’t sure which of them was more shocked by the quick bluntness of his answer.
“I lied,” he said again, and this time the words were as firm as they were hopeful.
Maybe he could fix this. Maybe she would let him fix this.
“Lied about what? About not trusting me? About thinking I’m a liar? What was the truth and what was the lie in all of this?”
He inhaled deeply, his green eyes darting over the table as he tried to collect his thoughts. He could do this. He could explain himself, because everything he wanted to say was already on the tip of his tongue. He looked at her, at those doe eyes that he had fallen in love with, and his words came out in a quiet rumble.
“I didn’t trust you like I should have. But I didn’t trust myself either,” he swallowed, that ever present lump sitting heavy in his throat, and gave a subtle shrug as if to offset the vulnerability coursing through him.
“I thought you were going to leave me for him…”
She looked down, swirling the chain into absentminded patterns in her palm. She nodded for a moment, processing his words, working up the courage to ask the question she really wanted an answer to.
“And the rest of it? Was that all a lie, too?”
He knew exactly what she meant. All those nights spent drowning in the feel of one another. The promise he had made to make things work, and the looks he’d given her that said what his words couldn’t; those were the things she needed to have answers to now.
“No. I…I really did care about you. I wanted to be with you.”
He watched her for a moment, wondering when was the right time—if there was ever a right time—to say the words that he kept a secret within him since as long as he could remember knowing her.
Her hands stilled for a moment, and the chain fell with a subtle swish into her open palm. And then she was placing the necklace back in the box, putting the cap back on. He watched her do so in silence, her fingers moving so gently that it made him wonder if she liked it, if it had been beautiful to her the way she was to him. He watched her eyes blink slowly, her head tilting slightly to the side as she slid the box towards him.
“I can’t accept this,” she said. Her voice was quiet and firm.
The box sat in front of him, his eyes staring down at it and following her fingers as they retreated slowly from his gift. His chest ached and he felt anger bubbling up. He felt like an idiot, him and that lonely little necklace, both being turned down yet again.
“I wanted you to have it, Gia. It’s the only thing…”
Why couldn’t he talk today? Why couldn’t he just spit out the fucking words already instead of tiptoeing around it all?
“It’s the only thing that I could give you. I was sure I’d never have a chance to say I was sorry for the way things went down.”
She shrugged and started to tie up the bag on the table.
“None of that matters anymore, Flynn; we were just having fun, anyway. Playing house. You don’t owe me anything.”
That hurt more than anything else she could have said. He couldn’t hide or suppress the anger within him as he watched her come to her feet.
“Is that why you stayed? Because none of it mattered to you?” he asked. “You could have just left the necklace on the table and called it over if that was the case.”
She inhaled deeply, a small shudder rattling through her before she exhaled.
“Idle curiosity, I suppose. I just…”
Her voice halted as he came to his feet, those slanted green eyes boring into hers, daring her to lie. She shrugged again, unable to articulate that she had hoped the necklace meant more than a bittersweet apology.
“It wasn’t just fun to me, Gia. It mattered to me, too. You matter to me,” he whispered, watching her start to blink rapidly as he picked up the box and came around the side of the table.
His limp was all but gone she noticed, mostly because she couldn’t bring her eyes up to meet his. He reached for her hand, and the feel of his fingers wrapped around hers was so right, so perfect, that he couldn’t help moving closer to her. He turned her palm upwards.
“I know you don’t want to have anything to do with me ever again,” Flynn said. “But I don’t want you to forget about me, because I don’t think I’ll be able to forget about you. So, will you take it with you?”
Her head lifted, eyes shooting to the ceiling as she tried to keep her tears at bay. She shook her head and stepped back, slipping her hand out of his, giving herself some distance as she started to move towards the door.
“Take care of yourself, Flynn.”
His hands were shaking. She was heading for the door. She was going to leave again and this time she really wouldn’t come back. He wouldn’t get another chance. It should have made him feel brave; it should have m
Gia paused, feeling herself transported back to the moment she had heard him call her name as she started to walk away from him. She’d been trying to figure out a way to talk to him, to see if he wanted her as much as she wanted him, even though she hadn’t admitted it to herself then. It had been like his voice was just for her ears to hear, and that’s what it felt like now.
She knew that his voice had been quiet. She knew that she had been waiting, hoping, praying that he would speak even as she put one foot in front of the other and tried to put all of this behind her. And she realized in that moment that she had never heard him utter that word before.
“Please,” he had said, so quietly that she wondered if he meant for her to hear.
His eyes lifted to see her standing stock-still, mere feet away from his door. Her back was rigid; the bag of things he had used as a ploy to bring her near him again was swishing lightly against her leg. He found his legs moving before his mind could intervene, before the fear pumping through his veins could stop him.
He was right behind her. She could feel the heat from his body as his chest brushed lightly against her back. She closed her eyes and shivered in spite of herself as his fingers lifted to lightly caress the back of her arm. She was frozen, locked into place by the feel of him being so near, by the weight of her own craving for him.
“Please take it with you,” he whispered against her ear.
She was starting to shake, her lip quivering without her permission. The first tear was already sliding down her cheek when she heard him open the box, heard it clomp to the floor, forgotten.
That silver chain came into view. It floated before her eyes and then lay coolly and gently against the hollow of her throat, waiting to be warmed by her skin. Her hand floated up to grasp the charm, her fingertips sweeping over the fluttering outstretched wings, the curved tail, and the delicate sweep of the beak on the hummingbird he had placed around her neck. The brush of his fingers against the back of her neck made her shiver, made her sink further and further into the need she had for him.
She remembered that day in the library, the way he’d joked that he listened when people told him things. And she remembered the day she told him about her aunt, about her love of hummingbirds. The note had said the necklace was just in case she never felt brave enough to get that tattoo. Brave. She wondered if she would ever feel brave again, or if she would always feel as lost and vulnerable as she did right now.
He couldn’t help it. His fingers had been aching to touch her. He didn’t want to cause her more pain and he was trying to be strong, to let her do what she wanted and leave. He had always forced her to stay, forced her to give into his feelings for her, but this time, just this once, he wanted to prove that he wasn’t selfish. He wanted to prove that he did care about someone besides himself.
But he couldn’t let her go. She was trying to walk away and he was grasping her arm, shaking against her back as he held her to him. Her head was dipping as she tried to pull her arm into her chest and away from his grasp.
“Let…go,” she whispered, and he could hear the softest of sobs escape her throat.
“Please, Gia…”
“Stop. Just let me go.”
He wished he could listen to her. He felt like his chest was ripping in two at the sound of her crying. It seemed like all he could do was make her cry. He closed his eyes against the relentless throbbing in his temples, hating himself because the more she struggled to get away the tighter he held her to him. He was wrapping both his arms around her now, and she was shaking with her sobs.
“I don’t want to cry anymore,” she cried, shaking her head in anger and sadness. “I just…don’t want to cry anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, rocking her weakly struggling body against his. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…Baby, please, I-I’m so sorry…”
He didn’t know how many times he said it. He didn’t know how many times he rocked back and forth with her in his arms. All he knew was that somewhere in the midst of it all, he was saying everything he meant to say, everything that he couldn’t before when fear was holding onto him as tightly as he was holding onto her.
“Don’t go, Gia. Don’t go,” he whispered against her ear, and his voice cracked with the weight of his pain, with the fear that it was too late to make her hear him. “I need you. I need you to forgive me.”
He turned her around, needing her to see, wanting her for the first time to see how deeply she had burrowed into him. He cradled her face in his hands, thumbs wiping futility at the tears that fell like rain against her cheeks.
“Look at me, Gia.”
He leaned his forehead against hers when she shook her head ‘no’. Her lips were trembling, her hands clutching at his shirt.
“Please, baby, I’m begging you. Just look at me.”
Her eyes looked up slowly, her body heeding his plea even as her mind screamed at her not to. She couldn’t stand him seeing her like this. She didn’t ever want to be this broken in front of anyone again, least of all him.
But when she looked into his eyes, she realized for the first time that she wasn’t alone. She wasn’t the only one that was broken.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you, baby. I’ll never do it again, just let me fix it.”
Flynn wanted to hide. He wanted to turn his face away from hers, but he didn’t. Instead he looked down at her with his glassy eyes, begging her to see how lost he had been without her. He let himself feel for her the way he never thought he could. He let her truly see him as he bent down to kiss her lips.
Her mouth trembled against his, and she tasted the salt of their tears as he pressed his lips hungrily to hers. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in tighter, not caring that his bruised body was protesting. His fingers were sinking into the softness of her hair, his entire body begging her to understand. But he knew that he needed to say the words.
He knew that now, finally, he wanted to say them.
“I love you, Gia,” he whispered against her lips, resting his forehead against hers. “Can you love me again? Please, baby, can you just love me again?”
Her head fell weakly against the crook of his neck, her arms wrapping tightly around his waist. She couldn’t speak through her sobs; she couldn’t stop shaking against him. All she could do was nod over and over against his neck, knowing when he sighed out his relief and sunk weakly against her that he understood.
For a long moment they didn’t move, just sank into the feeling of being held by the person that loved them. He held her until her sobs dwindled down to stuttering breaths, until she lifted her head weakly and swiped at the tears that streaked her face.
“I’m sorry,” she said, wiping away the tears that lay wet and glistening against his neck and soaked into his shirt. “I’m sorry I hurt you, too. I didn’t mean it. You know that right? I didn’t mean what I said…”
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” he whispered, kissing her forehead. His voice was quiet and firm, and matter of fact. All the hurts of the past were forgotten.
She nodded. “It doesn’t matter,” she repeated.
She lifted her mouth to his and found it already waiting for hers. As if she never left. As if he had been waiting all along.
***
Gia woke to the feel of Flynn kissing the back of her neck. Shortly after they made up, he had to go to work, and Gia had been exhausted. She went back to her apartment to pack up the last of her things, and then came back to his place. She fell asleep on his couch, waiting for him to come home.
The quiet hum of the TV was forgotten as Flynn lifted her easily off the couch and into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck, sinking into the warmth of his skin, into the smell of him and the softness of his hair brushing against her face. Her thighs tingled where his fingers grasped her, holding her tightly to him as he carried her into the bedroom.
She looked up into his eyes, and without words he leaned in and pressed his smile to hers. Giddy relief swam through her veins as she melted into his kiss. Her tongue swirled over his hungrily, drinking down the taste of him. She moaned against his lips, and then whimpered in displeasure as he parted with her to set her gently on his bed.
Her eyes were glued to his and then to his body as she came to her knees and pulled her dress up over her head. She was left in only the simple cotton of her white bra and panties. She felt that familiar thump in her chest, that rush of electricity over her skin as his eyes hungrily took in her body, the way the white fabric made her golden brown skin glow in the dim light. He unbuttoned the few buttons that were closed on his black shirt and kicked off his shoes, never taking his eyes off of her.
She saw him wince slightly as he pulled the shirt away from his shoulders and let it fall to the floor. She realized why when she saw the bruise on the rounded muscle of his left shoulder. A rush of empathy flowed out of her and she stepped off the bed to stand before him.
Flynn inhaled softly, leaning down to kiss her lips as she wrapped her fingers around the bottom of the ‘wife beater’ t-shirt he had worn under his half-buttoned shirt. He parted with her, only inches away from her lips as she gently pulled the shirt up his chiseled torso. He closed his eyes, letting his head tilt back as she paused in undressing him to kiss the scorpion on his chest softly.
He smiled, thinking how his tattoo had missed her as well. He hissed as he lifted his arms above his head to let her lift the shirt all the way off. He watched her eyes narrow, a pained expression crossing her pretty features as she took in the bruises on his ribs and on his right hip.
He shivered as her fingers traced over them gently, as she bent down to kiss each one so tenderly that the press of her lips could have been imagined. His fingers curled in her hair as she knelt before him and undid the buckle of his belt. Her lips had barely left his skin, lacing his navel with kisses as she unbuttoned and unzipped him. He’d been hard since the moment he’d parked his car, climbing up the steps as quickly as he could manage to get to her. This was why; this indescribable power she had over his body. The way her lips and fingers could set him on fire with the gentlest of touches.
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