Her tone told me she wasn’t serious, so I drifted away toward a cabinet with china dishes and other knickknacks. I examined the phenomenon of the traditional wooden cupboard.
“I know what you’re thinking,” she said.
“Well, it does seem a little odd for you.”
“Those were my mother’s things. My grandma bought her tons of that stuff when she got married, like she was some high society socialite. All of it sat in that cabinet, and that’s what it does here, too. I almost forget it’s there.”
“I’m sure it’s nice for you to have some of your mother’s mementos close by.”
“It is.”
I tucked my hands into my pockets as I made my way around her space. I’d never been there before, yet I felt right at home. “You’re apartment is nice…cozy.” I glanced toward the hall that led to her bedroom.
“Thanks. I’d love to get out of here and get a bigger place, but…”
I turned and caught her thoughtful eye. “Alyssa?”
She nodded, her lips pulled into a tight line.
“She’s lucky to have you.”
“I don’t know about that, but I don’t feel good about leaving now. Her mom’s boyfriend is moving in, so I’m going to stick arou—”
“Why?” My pulse pumped a little harder, and my legs carried me toward the kitchen. “Is he dangerous?”
Her head turned in my direction and her eyebrows rose before she bent to pull bread out of the oven. This woman would be the end of me if she didn’t stay away from trouble.
“Gray? You know I have to ask. I need to know you’re not in danger.”
She set the bread pan on top of the stove, removed the potholder and walked toward me, eyes narrowed on mine. “I like it when you want to protect me, Daniel,” she said in a silky voice that made my skin blaze. She stopped when we were toe-to-toe. “Come to think of it, that’s when you seem to want to be the closest to me.” Her hand trailed up my arm to my neck. “Maybe I need a little danger in my life to keep you close.”
I reached up and took hold of her wrist and pulled her into me. “Tell me,” I said, commanding her attention. “If this is serious, I need to know.”
“You need to know? Tell me, Daniel. Why do you need to know? What exactly do you want?”
What I wanted to do was put my lips on that little smart mouth of hers and show her just what I wanted. Every part of my body ached to touch every part of hers, but I needed to be patient. I had her number, and I wouldn’t be goaded into sex…no matter how pleasant the thought. I refused to start something I wasn’t yet prepared to finish. First, I needed to make things right.
I grabbed her chin, tugging her face close to mine. “What I want is for you to be safe and happy.”
Her eyes fell to my lips. It took everything in me not to take them right then.
“And what I want…” Her chest rose profoundly, pressing against mine. “…is for you not to burn my damn dinner.”
“Oh, crap.” She pulled from me and paced to the kitchen on a giggly sigh.
“Can I help?”
“No, I’m good. Just have a seat anywhere. It’s almost done.”
I sat on the couch grinning, watching her move about the kitchen with all the confidence of a restaurant cook. My smile faded. That ease and experience must have come from Nathan. I couldn’t let jealousy cloud my intentions for the night, so I set off to make myself useful. I carried the dishes and settings from the counter to the table and began putting them in place.
“Thanks,” I heard her say from behind me.
Once she carried the food to the plates, we took our seats. The meal and the company brought a smile to my face. We ate slowly, quietly, intermittent small talk filling the spaces. It took a concerted effort on my part not to stare at her every moment. When I couldn’t resist, she welcomed my eyes with confidence and calm. If I hadn’t believed her words, her expression and demeanor proved Gray was a changed woman. Some of my nervousness diminished. I became anxious to finish the meal, to unburden myself of the past I’d never shared with Gray.
We cleared the table together, washed the dishes side by side. “Aren’t you going to ask?” I finally said when she rinsed the last plate and placed it in the strainer.
She dried her hands and then turned to face me. “I can see it in your eyes, Daniel. You’re just waiting for the right moment.”
I tilted my head, letting the relief show on my face. “Even now, you’re still surprising me. Shall I call you Dr. Donovan?”
“Definitely not. I’ve had my share of pretending to be someone I’m not.” Taking my hand, she led me to the couch. “But tonight isn’t about me. I want you to know that I understand why you struggled with confiding in me. Our very existence started from my need to depend on and confide in you. That’s all changed now. You can trust me to be strong enough to handle whatever you tell me. Please, trust me, Daniel.”
“I do trust you. I should have trusted you sooner, but I wasn’t willing to risk hurting you more than I already had.”
“Well, you’re here now, and I’m okay.”
Her gaze penetrated mine as she laid her hand on my forearm, easing my anguish and sending my heart to a distractingly high palpitation. At the start of this evening, I worried that my lust for Gray would sidetrack me. And I’d hoped that my concern for her wouldn’t hold me back from what needed to be done. But this sweet, touching side of Gray was equally powerful. I froze in her watchful compassion.
“Daniel…I know this is hard, but whatever you say, I can handle it.” She slipped off her shoes and shifted her body to face me.
“I know you can.” I turned to her as well and put one arm across the back of the couch. “Part of my hesitation comes from my own insecurities. I’m not proud of this.”
Her eyes widened, but before she could speak, I continued.
“Of course, I know you wouldn’t judge me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel regret…and shame.” I took my eyes away with that last word. After a breath, I returned them to take that final step.
“A couple of years into the start of my practice, I met with a new patient dealing with depression. A young woman. She was beautiful, smart, and a talented artist and teacher. I felt for her immediately because of the circumstances that caused her struggles. After only one session, she didn’t show up for an appointment. It hadn’t struck me at the time, but the next week she no-showed again. I attempted to contact her several times to make sure she was all right, or to see if perhaps she felt the need to switch doctors.”
Gray’s face grew worried with the direction this story was headed. She tucked her legs under her and then grabbed my hand to clasp it with hers.
“Eventually, I gave up, figuring she had her own reasons. Not to mention it felt odd for me to continue trying to contact her. Almost a year went by before we crossed paths at the gym, recognizing each other immediately. She was happy and vibrant…even self-assured. She insisted we grab coffee because she said she owed me an explanation.
“She told me her boyfriend at the time was highly controlling and jealous. When she’d mentioned that we’d casually discussed art in a session, he’d convinced her to go with a female therapist. They’d split when it became obvious his insecurities were adding to her problems. We ended up talking for over an hour that first day. After that, we somehow caught each other at the gym more and more. Soon coffee turned into dinner, and then it seemed we’d found an excuse to see each other each week.”
I paused to examine her expression, search for any sign of disdain for my weakness. A subtle nod urged me on. “The progression happened so gradually, like…I didn’t even realize that what I was doing was wrong. Or I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.” I looked away, taking a moment. A soft hand pressed against the back of my neck and rubbed from side to side.
“I’m not going to judge you, Daniel. It sounds to me like you had no intentions of being with this woman. She wasn’t even your patient at the time.�
�
I reached up and took her hand in my firm grip, settling it onto my lap. “There’s more. We started seeing each other…romantically. It was wonderful for a while. Then things changed. I can’t share specifically what her issues were, but she struggled and began to drift away. It got worse over time. Not only did our relationship suffer, but she slipped further and further into the woman I’d met in my office that first day.”
“I’m sorry, Daniel. You have to know that’s not your fault.”
A burning sensation took hold behind my eyes at the comforting words I didn’t deserve. “It doesn’t matter,” I said, barely getting the sentence out. “She needed me to…” I let my head fall to my chest as my heart beat erratically. I don’t know if it was fear or shame or simple arrogance, but I’d never spoken with anyone about what had happened. Being on this side of the couch proved harder than I’d imagined. I suddenly felt like a hypocrite and a complete ass.
“You can’t fix everyone, Daniel. I’m not going to let you take the blame for her problems, no matter what they were.”
“Gray, I screwed up no matter how you see it. Any kind of relationship I have with a patient is wrong.” I knew hearing that from me would be painful, but I had to say the words out loud. I had to own up to what I’d done. “If I’d just have kept my distance, she—”
“You can’t think that way. You obviously cared about her.”
“You don’t understand. I felt so lost. So helpless. I couldn’t see clearly. I was torn between looking at things like a man who cared about a woman and considering them through the eyes of a doctor. And she was torn, too. Afraid to confide in me. Afraid to trust in our relationship. Maybe I could have helped her if I was only her doctor.”
“But you weren’t. She made that choice, not you. If you two couldn’t make it work because of issues she already had, that’s not your fault.”
I dragged my hand down my jaw as my eyes pleaded with Gray.
“What? What happened, Daniel?”
My chest tightened like it was in a vise. “I wouldn’t have left her.” I shook my head. “I wouldn’t have. But she didn’t believe me. I couldn’t assure her enough, and with each day she grew more desperate, more beyond my reach. Then one night I went to her apartment and…” I pushed forward on the couch, leaning my elbows on my knees, head buried in my hands.
Gray’s hand landed on my back as she scooted up next to me. “It’s okay, Daniel,” she whispered.
“I found her, in bed, lying in a pool of her own blood.”
CHAPTER 6
--------------------------
Gray
My heart broke as I watched Daniel wring his hands in front of him. “My God. I’m so sorry.” I reached my arm around his wide shoulders, pulling him against me. I willed every ounce of pain and guilt to flow from him to me. I understood that crippling feeling better than anyone. “I know that must have been horrible for you to find her like that.”
Daniel gathered in a deep breath and turned to me, his sorrowful eyes taking mine. “Oh, Gray, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I just needed to tell you and—”
“It’s okay. I needed to know. And I’m glad you told me.” It hadn’t been that long ago that I’d shared the story of losing Noah. I wouldn’t wish that anguish on my worst enemy. I didn’t blame Daniel for not considering how this would affect me.
We wrapped our arms around each other, pulled into a tight bond of security. I thought about what I could say to reassure him. How I could make him believe I wouldn’t judge him for his actions, and at the same time convince him that what we had would not end up the same way.
Words failed me as I waited to see if he had more to say. The only sound present, the slight whir of wind, pressed through the cracked open window. We stayed that way for a few more moments before I chose my next careful words. “Can you tell me her name?” I whispered.
He pulled back and clasped our hands together. “It was Melissa.”
“You have to know what happened to her wasn’t your fault. None of it was.”
“No, I don’t know that.” His own words seemed to anger him. “I’ll never know that.”
“I’m sorry. I just wish I could help you see—”
He let my hands go and turned forward. “You can’t. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, and I don’t see how you can overlook this.”
“I know you can’t tell me everything, but I trust you’ve told me what you needed to. It doesn’t change how I feel about you or how I feel about us.”
“It should,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’ll have to live with not being able to save her. But beyond that, what I did was ethically wrong.”
My eyes watered as I shook my head, hoping he wouldn’t tell me what I feared.
“Yes, just as this is wrong.”
“No…I mean, it might be wrong to some people, but not to me. Not to us.” My words and expression begged him to agree.
His lips drew into a straight line; he took in a deep breath and released it.
Desperation built in my chest. This conversation headed toward Daniel walking away from us…walking away from me. I stood abruptly and paced across the room. “Why does this feel like you’re giving up?” I didn’t give him time to answer. “Is this about your career?” I turned to glare at him.
“No…” His response was weak at best.
“Did people find out about you and Melissa? Were there…consequences?”
Shame covered his face. “I deserved consequences, but I only received a warning because there was no proof of a relationship.” He stared at me, gauging my reaction. “I’m not going to lie. I would be worried about what could happen if anyone knew we were together. We’d have to keep our relationship a secret.”
“Why is everything you say about us hypothetical?”
He stared at me with a look of helplessness.
I wrapped my arms around myself, attempted to control my breathing. “I don’t want to hurt you, Daniel. Of course, I don’t want you to lose your license. I would do whatever you thought was best. But you’re always so guarded, so hesitant. Are you ever going to fight for us? Do you want to be with me?”
He stood and came to me as if calming my anxiety was his natural instinct. His hands went immediately to my folded arms, gently pulling them open. He secured them around his neck, and then his arms went around me to my back, pulling me close. “Don’t you know it’s been torture being away from you?” he said softly in my ear. “I’d give my life fighting for you, Gray…but I’d also give you up if I thought I would ever cause you harm.”
My vision puddled to a blur, my heart ached, and my cloudy head fought to untangle the possible from the improbable. Since the first moment I’d met Daniel, I felt safe with him. He’d been protecting me and putting me first at every turn. “I trust you completely,” I whispered. “That’s how I know you would never hurt me. I’m not Melissa. I’m not going to leave you that way. I promise.” I touched my lips to the side of his neck. “Please, Daniel,” I said in soft desperation. “Trust me…like I trust you.” I rested my cheek against his chest, feeling the tears trail from my eye and soak into his shirt.
He stroked my hair, then down my back, slow and gentle. “Don’t cry, Gray.”
I kneaded the top of my cheek into his shirt, taking in his heavenly scent. “I’m not.”
“Then why does my skin feel wet?”
“You must be sweating…from being near me.”
His chest pulsed as a minute snort expelled from him. He took me by the shoulders, pressing me back to see my face. The faintest pull at my lips brought a tiny grin to his face. He rubbed his thumbs across my cheeks. “You’re even beautiful when you cry.” Then he kissed me sweetly, leaving his lips pressed to mine. His mouth settled the slight tremble of mine, and a second later I found myself giggling.
“I guess I really am crazy.”
“I think you’re wonderful.” He squinted a smile. “And I know I can’t
go on without you in my life.”
I tucked my lips under my teeth, forbidding my smile, unable to accept his words as truth.
“I don’t know what we’ll do,” he continued. “I really don’t. But we’ll figure it out.”
I lowered my head and sighed.
“What’s wrong?” he said.
“I can’t stand the thought of being without you…”
He reached out with the back of his hand and brushed it down my cheek. “You won’t be.” When his hand slid to the back of my neck, pulling me to him, I turned my head from his kiss.
“But…I feel selfish now. What if someone did find out? What if you couldn’t—”
His persuasive lips pressed briskly against mine, halting my rant. They told me everything I needed to know and showed me he had every confidence in us. The kiss deepened. He swept his tongue along my lips, seeking entry. All my doubts and fears fell away, drowned in the passion his mouth lavished on mine, the emotion surging out from his touch. My head dizzied under his spell. I clutched his shoulders to secure myself. His hands went to each side of my cheeks, pulling us apart to let us breathe. He pressed his forehead into mine as our chests heaved between us.
A moment later, the door popped open, delivering Alyssa, who barely glanced our way. Mutually satisfied grins straightened to thin lines. Eyes widened as we stepped farther apart, anticipating who would speak first.
“Well, this isn’t awkward.”
She sashayed over to the kitchen. “Just pretend I’m not here.”
Daniel raised his brows as if to say he was leaving it up to me. I shrugged and followed her path to the kitchen. “Alyssa…we should probably talk—”
“Hey, don’t sweat it.” She pulled a soda out of the fridge and popped it open. “I won’t say anything,” she said, holding the can up, totally unaffected by the situation.
“What?” I shot a quick peek back at Daniel, who hadn’t moved from his frozen position.
“I’m not going to say anything.”
“About what? Daniel just stopped by to check on me and…”
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