My hopes were dashed. “James?” he asked.
“Yep.”
We floated in silence for a few moments.
“What happened there?”
I sighed, remembering my bad breakup with James. It seemed impossible to stay together after his brother caused so many problems for Katie. But that wasn’t the only reason. I compared every guy I dated to Caleb, and they always fell short.
“He was that bad, huh?” Caleb said when I didn’t answer.
I didn't want to discuss this, but at the same time, Caleb was one of the few people I had ever opened up to about deep, personal things. “No, he was good. Great, even.”
“Then what happened?”
I peered over at Caleb to see him watching me. I couldn’t look at him while I talked about this, so I laid back again. “For one, his brother caused a lot of problems for Katie. And for two—” I stopped, unsure of what else to say.
“For two…?”
“He wasn’t the one for me, I guess.” I looked at Caleb again and met his gaze.
He seemed to be studying me, and my heart rate picked up. “And now you’ve found him?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure,” I said honestly.
“Don’t you think you would know by now if Byron was it for you?” He was unsure of his question, or maybe my answer.
“No.”
“No, what?” he pressed.
“No, I don’t think I would know.” Because I didn’t trust myself to know my own heart or head with my relationships. Not after what happened with Caleb. How could I ever be sure again?
“Why not? I know you, Amy. You know what you want and what you don’t. So, what’s missing?”
I chewed my lip as I mulled his question over. What was missing? Byron was sweet, smart, funny, good looking, and he treated me well. But still, he wasn’t Caleb. “I guess I’m waiting to feel the way I should feel,” I replied in a hushed tone.
Caleb let go of my tube and reached for my hand. “If you don’t feel that way already, isn’t it a lost cause?”
Caleb was grasping at my heart and he didn’t even know it. I squeezed his hand a little and glanced away. “I don’t know. I hope not. I’ll be surprised if he stays with me after this weekend. I seem to sabotage every relationship I’m in and I really haven’t been myself since we arrived.”
“Maybe the men you’ve dated gave up too easily. I’d never let you get away if you were mine; not without a fight.”
I glanced to see Caleb’s serious face. Unsure what to make of him, I looked down and cleared my throat. “It doesn’t matter anyway. No girlfriends for you. You won’t let yourself get attached.”
Caleb chuckled. “Is that really what you think?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Yes, that’s what you told me once, remember? You couldn’t have made it any clearer.” My voice was harsher than I intended.
“I might have said that and meant it at the time.” He paused with a slow smile. “But I got over it.”
My jaw dropped and I tried to sit up in my tube. It wobbled when I brought my legs up and I fell back into it again. I settled for my previous position but leaned up to see Caleb better. He seemed to be enjoying watching me struggle.
“What do you mean you got over it?” I asked, bewildered.
Caleb shrugged. “I got over it.”
“How?” I squeaked. “When? No, how?”
Caleb straightened up. His voice was soft. “I don't know how, but when was after my dad died. I realized I don’t want to be alone.”
I dropped my gaze quickly to hide my eyes. My heart was hammering against my ribs and it took major effort to keep angry, confused tears away. I felt cheated somehow, like he should’ve told me sooner. And maybe he would have, had I not avoided him for so long. I’d never forgive myself for that now.
This whole time, all these years, I’d thought that at least if I couldn't have him, no one would. But now, to hear that he was open to someone, willing to have a girlfriend, a wife—I couldn't wrap my head around it. And I was sure my face would give away how flustered I was by this information.
Caleb remained silent and it took all I had to turn my lips up slightly. I swallowed and cleared my throat. “I’m happy for you,” I said softly, and cleared my throat again. I hadn’t looked at his face; my eyes were glued to his chest. “You’ll make some girl very happy, one day.” I clenched my jaw to keep my emotions from spilling over.
“Amy?” Caleb said patiently. He reached for my hand again, but I pulled it back. I knew I couldn't handle any kind of contact with him right then, no matter how rude it seemed. I had to protect myself at that moment. I folded my arms across my chest, my gaze sweeping across the lake.
Caleb took the handle on my tube and we floated in silence for a couple of minutes. I was finally getting over the blow he had just given me and wanted to get us back to the relaxing time we had been having. I forced myself to look at him. “Remember that time you wanted to have me piggyback off the cliff and you had Simon go instead?”
Caleb looked immediately relieved at being able to see me again. His eyes roamed my face and he took a deep breath, letting it out before he spoke. “I told you it would work.” His lips twitched before breaking into a smile and he chuckled.
“It did not! You two fell right off the cliff,” I argued lightly.
Caleb shook his head, waving a dismissive hand. “That was Simon’s fault. He let go too soon, spoiled the whole thing.”
I laughed.
“That’s better,” Caleb murmured. “I love that sound.”
I scoffed. “Yeah right. My brothers have teased me enough about my laugh. I know better.”
“No, you don’t. How do you know what I love?” He raised a challenging eyebrow.
I glared playfully at him and we stared each other down. It was quiet for only a moment and a fish splashed up out of the water next to Caleb. He jumped so badly, it rocked his tube and he crashed into the lake. It all happened too fast and it took me a second to catch up with what I’d just witnessed. But when I did, I laughed so entirely, I could barely breathe. I was too caught up in my laughter, I didn't see Caleb until it was too late, and I cried out as he flipped me off my tube. I popped out of the water and clung to the tube as my laughter continued. I coughed a couple of times between gasps and my throat burned, but I didn't even care. Caleb held onto my tube opposite of me and shook his head as he grinned.
“Stupid fish,” he chuckled. “I’ll ask you to keep that to yourself or I’ll never live it down.”
I coughed again as my fit played out and narrowed my eyes at him. “I guess you better be nice to me or that fish flop is definitely coming out.”
A faint beeping sounded from the shore and Caleb sighed. “I guess it’s that time if my alarm is going off.”
“What time was it set for?” I asked as he swam the short distance to retrieve his tube.
“Three. I didn’t want to lose track of time while we were out here. That seems to happen easily when I am with you.” Caleb caught up to me and we pulled our tubes out of the water with us.
I reached for my towel and handed it to Caleb. “Here, you can dry off first.”
Caleb pushed it away. “Go ahead. I’ll use it after you’re done rubbing it all over your body.” He said it with such a sly tone and wicked grin that I actually gasped.
I swatted his shoulder. “Oh my gosh, Caleb Weslyn! You sure know how to make a girl blush! What is the matter with you?” I tried to keep a smile at bay, but I couldn’t. I shook my head and ignored him as I toweled myself off.
Caleb’s hands rested at his hips and he seemed to have no shame in watching my every move. I lingered with the towel longer than necessary before tossing it directly on his head. Caleb stayed in his stance for a second, chuckling under the towel. He pulled it off and winked at me as he began rubbing his chest. I faced away from him and put an oversized t-shirt on over my swimsuit. I turned around to find my shoes and slipped them on before loo
king at Caleb again. He was staring at me with his mouth slightly open. I saw him swallow and decided to give him a taste of his own medicine and flirt a little. I gave him a sly grin and winked. “See you later.”
CHAPTER 18
Not until I was completely alone and in the shower did I let myself break down. My hands shook and my body tensed like it knew what I was about to endure. My breathing came faster as Caleb’s words replayed in my mind, and once the tears came, that was it. I cried and cried until I felt some relief from the built-up emotions I’d been beating down while I was with Caleb. It took all I had to hold it together in front of him, but there was no stopping it now.
He had changed his mind? Got over his issues? Caleb was open and willing to love someone, but I could hardly let myself picture him with anyone. For a long time, I’d come to terms with him being alone and did my best to move on, but now… He got over it? More tears came, but they were tears of frustration. What was I supposed to do now? I could hardly throw myself at him as an option; I wasn’t free to do so. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. Katie’s words ran through my head again, “…don’t do anything you’ll regret. Byron and Caleb work together and they are good friends, so keep in mind, there is more that can go wrong besides just hurt feelings…” She was right. Too. I couldn’t break up with Byron for Caleb. What would that do to their friendship, their work life?
I groaned and rubbed my swollen eyes, but that didn’t stop the chaos in my head.
What if Caleb didn’t want me anyway? If he’d known for this long that he was willing and ready to settle down, wouldn’t he have said something by now if his heart was tender for me? The reality of that thought was such a blow, I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.
Because if he really wanted me, cared for me the way I did for him, if his feelings were as unshakeable as mine—he wouldn’t have been able to stay away. But the fact was, he had. There had been no contact between us, no letters or phone calls. After that weekend, we never spoke again.
So, there was my answer. He did not want me. I felt a moment of clarity and then the sting of rejection. I was glad I was alone because a new wave of tears and sobbing came over me as I let it all sink in. I pictured Caleb—his charm, his smile, his kindness— and I could no longer stand. I lowered to the floor, sitting in the shower with my arms around my legs and face against my knees, and let the water beat down on me.
I stayed that way for a long time, long enough that my hands were pruned. I reached up, shutting the water off, and took a deep breath. My tears had finally stopped and I now felt internally numb. My face hurt, and my eyes felt heavy and tired as I toweled off. I thought of the long night ahead and whimpered out loud at the thought of trying to get through it. I was so tired now but had no time to rest.
I shook my head and rubbed at my eyes again. Katie and Simon had waited for this day their whole lives, and now they would finally start building a life together. I tried not to let it get to me, but it almost felt like a slap in the face with how I was suffering. “This isn’t about you. This is Katie’s day,” I told myself out loud. Katie’s day; she was about to marry the love of her life and I would do what I could to be happy for her. At least one of us should be.
I checked the time, pleased to see I still had over an hour until I had to be presentable, and then I was to do Katie’s hair and makeup. I grimaced at my reflection when I saw the red puffy face staring back at me. “Nice,” I grumbled.
I did my hair in loose curls and pulled one side up with hair pins to keep it from flopping in my face all evening. As I put my makeup on, I thought of Byron. I’d hardly seen him this weekend. Would I be able to act myself around him tonight? I felt guilty for my episode in the shower when I thought of my regular life with Byron. Everything seemed perfect at home, but in the matter of a few days, I was having some kind of self-crisis. At least I still had Byron though; he seemed to genuinely want me. With Caleb, it seemed that way at times, but then he would be casual and distant. I was unsure what to make of him. At least I knew now and I could move forward with Byron. I did care for him, just not as deeply as I did for Caleb. I wasn’t sure I had it in me to care for another that way, but I had to try.
I was so deep in thought as I was applying my eyeliner that when my mom burst in my room unannounced, I jumped and got a line of black all the way to my hair line. “Mom,” I whined.
She threw a hand over her mouth and laughed. “Oh, Amy, sorry about that. I should have knocked.” Her face fell when she fully looked at me and she donned her concerned mom face. “What is it, what’s happened?”
I was hoping she wouldn’t notice I’d been crying, but she always knew. I was in no way ready to talk about it, so I shook my head and smiled. “I know, I know. I got soap in my eyes while I was showering but I’m sure I’ll be fine.” I turned back to the mirror and worked to get the wild black line off my face.
“Hmm.” my mom said, eyeing me suspiciously. “Can you help me with the back of my hair?” She turned and indicated the area she always did. “It’s right about here.”
I chuckled. “Mom, I know by now what spot you need help with every time.” I got her hair into place and sprayed it. “There. Will you tell Katie I’m about ready for her?”
My mom nodded. “I need to get dressed and find your dad first, though.”
I glanced at the time. “That’s okay. I’m going to change, then I’ll get her.”
My mom left, and I slipped into my floor length dress. It was Katie’s favorite on me. It had a sweetheart neckline and was fitted at my waist, accentuating my small frame. The rose gold fabric was loose from the waist down and I was pleased it still fit nicely. My lips turned up when I saw myself in the mirror. I looked at myself again, seeing no red or puffiness from my emotional breakdown.
I left my room and went to Katie’s, but she wasn’t there. Nobody was in my mom’s room either, so I made my way to the other side of the lodge where the men were staying. I checked Bryce’s room first and opened the door to ask if he’d seen Katie. I gasped after I walked in. Holly and Bryce were embracing, and he was chewing the mouth off her. Holly squeaked when she saw me and tried to step away from Bryce, but he kept a firm hold on her, looking unrepentant.
“Can we help you?” he asked casually.
Holly was looking down but peeked at me, unsure of my reaction.
When I finally found my voice, I cleared my throat. “I, uh, was looking for Katie…”
“Well, she’s definitely not here, so...” Bryce paused and walked over, pushing me from the room. “Make yourself scarce, little sister.”
I smiled at Holly and looked at Bryce. “How about a tie on the doorknob, loser. What if I had been mom?”
Bryce chuckled and shut the door in my face. I stood there giggling and shook my head; Holly had been holding out on me.
I headed to Simon’s room next and knocked on the door. There was a thud, a scraping noise, and finally Simon cracked the door, breathless. “Oh, hey, Amy, what’s up?” he asked too quickly. He only had jeans on, and I narrowed my eyes in suspicion at his guilty face. A muffled giggle came from his room and I gasped. Simon’s eyes widened as I pushed the door open and barged in. I heard Katie’s giggle again and saw the blankets shaking on the bed.
“Are you kidding me!” I screeched as I tore the blankets off and glared at Katie. “You are not supposed to see each other today. What are you thinking!”
Katie was in her pajamas and she smiled up at me. “Sorry.”
Simon chuckled behind me. I turned on him and poked his bare chest. “It is bad luck, Simon!”
He shook his head and sat on the bed, pulling Katie onto his lap. He framed her face with his hands, looking deep into her eyes. Simon was so much the man in love. I took a mental picture. If someone ever looked at me that way, I’d never let them go. No wonder Katie couldn’t help herself.
I caved. “Fine, two minutes, but I’m waiting outside the door.” Neither one acknowledged me as I walked
out the door and shut it behind me. I leaned against it, trying to ignore Simon’s low, mumbling voice and Katie’s giggles. Listening to the happiness going on behind me was hard when I felt miserable and alone, myself. I couldn’t blame Katie for acting the way she did that weekend long ago. If she felt anything like this, who could blame her?
Six Years Earlier…
A stroke of luck! Simon wanted to camp out tonight, otherwise I don’t think Katie would’ve agreed to it. She was still a little stiff toward me over dinner, but I did my best to ignore it. Sleeping out was the only way I’d be able to spend the night with Caleb again. He seemed pleased with the arrangement and smiled at me when I marched right over and rolled my bag out next to him. I ignored the looks from the others around me and slid into my bed.
Caleb turned on his side to face me. “You seem to be bothering someone,” Caleb whispered.
I glanced over at Katie, expecting her to be glaring, but to my surprise, she looked sad. I noticed the big space she and Simon had between them and realized what her problem was—she was jealous. My heart softened instantly. At least I knew Caleb liked me. Maybe not as much as I wanted, but poor Katie thought Simon only liked her as a friend. My sympathy heightened for both Katie and Simon, and I hoped for their sake, they’d be together one day.
I focused on Caleb and suddenly had the urge to be as close to him as I could get. I wiggled closer until our bags were pressed between us.
“I like you right here,” he whispered.
My eyes roamed his face. I wanted to memorize every crease, every inch of it. His light blue eyes, his dark lashes, the scar near his temple. I lifted my hand and ran my finger over the indent. “How did you get this?”
“A shark bit me,” he said seriously.
“What!” I gasped.
Caleb chuckled. “You’re too easy.”
I tsked and flicked his ear.
Caleb grinned and rolled his tongue between his lips. He looked at me for a moment and took a breath. “The day my mom left, I ran after her car as she pulled away, and I fell. The scar used to be bigger, but it’s gotten smaller over time.”
It Was Always You Page 15