Man Who Loved Pride and Prejudice

by Abigail Reynolds

  "First draft of the MBL annual report."

  "What about it?"

  "Have a look under Major Gifts."

  Suddenly nervous, she paged through to the fundraising section. There it was, among the short list of foundations and individuals donating $100,000 or more, S. Calder Westing, III—Summer Research Fellowship Fund. She had a sudden image of Calder's concerned face that day in March as she told him about her funding problems. And two weeks later she had received the call that the problems had been miraculously resolved. She had been so relieved she had never given any thought to how they found the money.

  "Oh, God," she said. Why had he done it? Sympathy? No, sympathy was buying her a piece of pie. Guilt? At the moment, she was the one who felt guilty, as if she had somehow taken advantage of him without knowing it. Did he think she expected it of him? She didn't want to consider that possibility. And to think she hadn't bothered to answer his last email. What was she supposed to do now? Write him a thank you note? How could she even say thank you for a gift of that size?

  "Guess he really likes Trivial Pursuit," Jim said. "Or something."

  "Or something." She wondered what Jim would say if she told him Calder had been there this summer and made no attempt to contact her.

  Cassie tried to focus on her work again once Jim left, but it was hopeless. She couldn't stop thinking about Calder and what he had done. It couldn't have been pure whim on his part, not given the problems it could cause him. If his father objected to him spending an evening in a biology lab, he'd have fits over Calder giving the MBL a small fortune. Finally she gave up any attempt to concentrate and told Chris she was leaving.

  She started home, but on impulse stopped by the Woods Hole Public Library. Her copies of Calder's books were in Haverford, and she had avoided thinking about them ever since learning they were his. Now she felt a need to read them again.

  Both books were on the shelves, as if they were waiting for her. She clutched them tightly once she had checked them out. As soon as she was home, she curled up in the worn armchair and began to read The Edge of Tomorrow.

  It was a disconcerting experience, reading the familiar words with the unfamiliar sense of Calder associated with them. She could hardly imagine him writing some of the tender and insightful moments. She wished she could remember what Calder had said about the book that night in the car. Something about loss and redemption. She could understand now why he had been so oddly noncommittal. Another opportunity missed.

  Rob called as darkness was falling. "Are you okay?" he asked.

  "I'm fine." The lie came readily to her lips.

  "Why did you leave without saying anything to me?"

  Because she had completely forgotten his existence. She couldn't keep going like this. "I'm sorry. I don't think this is going to work for us."

  "What?"

  "Having a relationship. I was wrong to let it start." She had ended up in Rob's bed because she was so hurt by Calder's desertion. And now she was hurting Rob when it had been her mistake all along.

  "What? Cassie, if you don't like checking in with me when you leave, that's fine. We certainly don't need to break up over it."

  "It's not that. I've been thinking about it. I'm sorry." How had she ended up in this position? She, who prided herself on concern for other people's feelings, and now she was trampling all over Rob's. He'd done nothing to deserve it.

  There was a silence on the other end. "Look, I'm coming over. We can talk about this then."

  "It won't change anything." Cassie held the book close to her.

  "I'll see you in a few minutes."

  He arrived with a grim expression she had never seen before. "Now what's all this about wanting to break up? And I want some answers this time. None of your evasions."

  No evasions. She supposed she owed him that much. "I said there wasn't anyone else, but that was only partly true. There was someone. He was already out of the picture, but I wasn't over him." Her hand caressed the cover of the book.

  Rob didn't say anything. After a moment, he went to the refrigerator and took out a beer. He twisted off the cap. "Why is this coming up now?"

  It had been almost a year to the day since Calder came to her lab, kissed her, and made her forget everything the second he touched her. "I found out today that I misjudged him. Like you misjudged me once."

  He took a long swig of beer. "What are you planning to do about it?"

  The blue sky on the book cover promised a deceptive calm. The Edge of Tomorrow, by Stephen R. West. She remembered the first time she had seen it, in the bookstore, with Calder watching her. "I don't know. Nothing, probably."

  "Are you still in contact with him?" Rob dropped the beer cap in the trash can. Cassie could see the ridges it left on his palm where he had clenched it.

  "No. He emailed me a few weeks ago, but I didn't answer."

  "What did he say?"

  "Nothing much."

  The bottle clanged as he slammed it down on the counter. "What did he say?"

  She tore her eyes away from the book and looked at Rob. "He saw squid on the menu at a restaurant, and it reminded him of me. He hoped I was getting plenty of it here."

  "You don't work on squid."

  "It was a joke. He's not a scientist."

  "What does he do?"

  A long minute passed as she considered how to answer. "He's a writer."

  "You're still in love with him, I take it?"

  Love. The word she had always tried to avoid using in the same thought as Calder Westing. It was so much easier to call it a fixation. "Yes. I'm sorry."

  "Are you getting back together with him?"

  "No. That isn't a possibility." She set the book carefully on the table beside her.

  "Why?"

  She shrugged. "He's rich. Famous family. High society." The corner of her mouth twitched. "Republican."

  "Jesus, Cassie." He sounded disgusted. "I thought you were the one person I knew who wouldn't be impressed by money. So much for that theory."

  "I don't care about his money. I don't expect I'll ever see him again."

  He stared at her as if he wanted to keep fighting, and then he slapped his hand against the counter. "So what the hell does he have, then?"

  Cassie expelled a long breath of air. Poor Rob. He had a right to be bitter. She had used him to forget her pain, and now she was discarding him just as Calder had discarded her. He deserved better, and instead he was paying for her mistakes.

  He turned his face away when she stepped toward him. She put her hand on his shoulder. "I don't know. And I'm not evading the question. We didn't even get along particularly well."

  "So you have a fantasy about this unattainable guy who sends you an occasional email about squid. Why does this have to get in the way of your real life? Why are you dumping me for someone you'll never see again?"

  She let her hand drop. "I can't be involved with you when I feel this way about another man."

  He paced across the room and then looked out the window. "What if…" He stopped, then turned back to her. "What if I'm willing to accept that you have a thing for him? Since you won't see him again, it shouldn't matter."

  This time Cassie was the one to look away. "That wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve better than that, and you'd end up resenting me for it."

  "Don't tell me what's fair for me. This sure as hell isn't."

  "I'm sorry. I can't tell you how much I wish I'd understood this before you became involved."

  Rob dropped heavily into a chair and rubbed his hand across his forehead. "I should have known it was too good to be true. You didn't need me. You already had everything you wanted. You wouldn't have looked at me twice if you hadn't been upset that day. Was it him then, too?"

  Exhausted, Cassie wanted to tell him it was none of his business. "I'd found out he was in town for two weeks and hadn't tried to contact me."

  Rob studied her, a peculiar expression on his face. "He really got to you, didn't he?"
r />   What did Rob want? To humiliate her for her schoolgirl fantasies? "Yes."

  "I never thought I'd see the day when you'd let any man be that important to you."

  She had never expected it either. What kind of crazy, self-destructive game was she playing? Why Calder, whom she hardly knew? Suddenly it was too much for her. Without a word or even a look, she turned down the narrow hall into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. Rob would have to let himself out.

  Embedded in Amber, Calder's first book, lay on her bedside table under the ceramic lamp with a crack down the side. Cassie placed her hand on it as if it offered some essence of Calder himself. But that was illusory. All she had of him was a three-sentence email, no doubt written off the cuff at some moment when he had nothing to do beyond remembering an old flame of sorts. She sat down on the bed and pulled her knees up, finally letting the tears leak out of her eyes. Tomorrow she would have to pull herself together and act as if nothing had happened, but tonight for once she would let herself feel.

  The bedroom door opened quietly. Rob stood silhouetted in the light from the living room for a moment and then made his way over to the bed and sat down beside her in the half-darkness. "There's a reason why you're faculty and I'm still a post-doc." His voice was rueful. "I'm not as smart as you are. But sitting out there I worked out that I'd rather comfort you while you cry over another man than walk away. I know it won't change anything, but at least I can be here as your friend." He put his arm around her shoulder.

  She knew she should tell him to leave, but instead she turned her face into his shoulder and cried.

  Rob finally left when she cried herself into exhaustion. After a night of fitful sleep, Cassie woke alone to a gray morning. She would have to get used to waking up alone again. There would be no more chances to start over with Rob, and there never had been a chance with Calder.

  There was no reason to rush to the lab on a Saturday morning. Chris had the day off, and Cassie had the rest of her life to sit in her lab. But her computer was at the lab, and it drew her like a magnet.

  Sitting down in front of it, she drew a deep breath before opening her email program and clicking on Deleted Items. She didn't remember when she had emptied it last. Quickly, she scrolled through it.

  The email from Calder was still there. She dragged it back to her inbox and read it. It was just as she had remembered it.

  Calder was beyond her reach. She would never see him again, as his lover or even as his friend. That was reality. But it helped to know she still crossed his mind occasionally. Was there anything wrong with staying in occasional contact, as long as she understood the limitations?

  Chewing her lip, she clicked on Reply.

  To: C. Westing

  From: C. Boulton

  Subject: Re: squid

  While the squid here are as tasty as ever, it's getting hard to rustle up a good game of Trivial Pursuit. It's no fun when there isn't any challenge.

  So, what Mesoamerican civilization conquered an area of over 2,500 square miles on the Pacific Coast of South America?

  She felt an odd relief as she pressed Send.

  Cassie could tell Rob was avoiding her. She hadn't spoken to him since that night. Through the lab door she had seen him walking down the hall a few times over the last several days, but he had studiously avoided looking in. She had tried to respect his wishes by staying away from his end of the floor. Chris had maintained such a complete silence on the subject that she was sure Rob must have talked to him.

  Today he didn't walk past but came into the lab carrying a plastic bag. He looked tired.

  She swiveled her chair to face her assistant. "Chris, I'm going to be on this for a while. Would you mind running into town to get me a sandwich?"

  "Sure." Chris stood up and stretched and then noticed Rob. "Your usual, I assume?"

  "That'll be great." Cassie handed Chris a ten-dollar bill, and he loped out of the lab with a last glance over his shoulder. He probably hoped they would make up while he was gone.

  Rob deposited the bag on her desk. "Some odds and ends of yours I found lying around my place when I packed up. I'm heading back to Chapel Hill tomorrow."

  "I thought you were here for another week." Cassie felt guilty at his atypically sober countenance.

  "Jim asked me to go back early to take care of some things for him."

  She had no doubt Jim had manufactured whatever business he had for Rob, but it relieved her to hear it. Knowing Rob was just down the hall hadn't been easy. "I hope you have a good trip back." It was a little lame, but she had to say something.

  "Right. See you." He turned to go.

  "Rob?" There was a hesitation before he turned back to her. "What happened the other night was as much of a surprise to me as it was to you. It wasn't something lurking in the back of my mind the whole time."

  He raised one shoulder in a brief shrug. "Thanks for saying that, but it doesn't really matter. I realized afterwards it really had nothing to do with another man."

  "It didn't?"

  "That night was the first time I'd ever seen your real feelings. The first time. That told me more about what I meant to you than anything you said."

  Cassie rested her chin on her elbow. "That's not about you, or what you mean to me. That's who I am. It's always going to be an issue for me." How could she share her feelings about a life she had to hide?

  "Something to work on in your next relationship."

  "What next relationship? Do you think I'm going to find someone who's better suited to me than you? We share interests, I enjoy your company and your sense of humor, you understand about my job. Nobody's going to beat that."

  "There's no need for melodrama. I didn't mean you needed to give up on men."

  "No, I know you didn't. I was just telling you what I think, but it's probably best if we drop it there."

  He hesitated. "Maybe it would help if you talked to someone about this. Someone professional, that is."

  It would be nice to think all problems could be fixed somehow. "It's okay, Rob. If there's one thing in life I'm good at, it's facing facts and learning to deal with them. I'll be fine."

  His face closed down. "Of course. Well, I'll see you around."

  "Right. Take care." Cassie watched him leave and then pulled out her data notebook. There was no point in thinking about things she would never have. At least there was still her work and the salt marsh.

  Chapter 12

  CASSIE FELT A SUDDEN burst of gladness when an email from Calder popped up on her computer. She had told herself again and again not to expect a reply.

  To: C. Boulton From: C. Westing

  The Incas. Was that just random, or did you know I lived in Ecuador for a while?

  All right… who was the author of Summa Theologica? No fair looking up the answer!

  To: C. Westing From: C. Boulton

  I'm too embarrassed to send you my answer, having looked it up and discovered it was wrong. Now, for a little revenge: What capital city is located at the confluence of the rivers Gombak and Klang?

  As for Ecuador, I read minds. It's part of my Trivial Pursuit strategy.

  To: C. Boulton From: C. Westing

  Ouch. Kuala Lumpur, but I had to cheat. I'd never even heard of those rivers. Where did you dig that one up?

  To: C. Westing From: C. Boulton

  Oh, good, I got one! I was afraid you were going to tell me you'd lived in Malaysia, too.

  To: C. Boulton From: C. Westing

  Just Italy and Ecuador, I'm afraid. It's that limited university education, you know.

  Cassie knocked on the door of the English Department conference room at Haverford. The email she'd received from Professor Amy Gottschalk had asked her to stop by the English House for a meeting at three o'clock. Cassie couldn't imagine why the English department would suddenly be interested in a biologist, and a junior faculty member at that, but Amy was a good friend. Maybe they wanted to do some sort of interdepartmental course. She
'd be the logical choice for that, since the other Biology faculty members' interests didn't extend to literature.

  The door was opened by Dr. Yang, the notoriously intimidating chairman of the English department. "Thank you for stopping by, Dr. Boulton. Won't you have a seat?" He gestured to the conference table where a half dozen English professors sat.

  Amy Gottschalk flashed her a reassuring smile. "Thanks for coming. We're hoping to pick your brain about a writer."