When I turned back around, I heard the rip of the condom packet and looked back one last time to watch him sheath himself.
“Relax,” he said as he slid one hand up my back and wrapped it around the base of my neck. I’d grown to love the erotic feel of his signature light chokehold. After an initial burn, his cock sank into me with ease, and I knew right away that this experience was going to be different from the first time.
“Tell me if at any point, it becomes too much.”
I knew that no matter what it felt like, that would never happen.
Every thrust was more intense than the last. He let out a deep breath with each one that I could feel on my back as he continued to hold onto my neck. He was completely in a zone, having finally let go of all apprehension.
This was Elec fucking me.
I wanted it to continue, to see where it would go. “Fuck me harder.”
That had caused him to grab my hips as he pounded into me faster. It felt impossible not to scream because it felt too good. In a weird way, having to refrain from making any noise bottled up the pleasure inside me and intensified it. I started to match the rhythm of his movements with my body, and that seemed to put him over the edge.
“Touch yourself, Greta.”
I massaged my swollen clit as he slowed down to encourage my climax. I could feel him even deeper inside me now. He gently pushed my torso down so that my ass was lifted higher into the air. The penetration at that angle was so intense, so deep that I could feel the brink of my orgasm.
“Do you feel that?” he whispered.
“Yes. Yes. It’s incredible like this.”
“I’ve never been this deep inside anyone before. It’s never felt like this for me,” he panted. “Never.”
“Oh God…Elec…”
“I want you to come first, and then I want to come all over your back.”
Hearing him say that had set me off. My mouth pressed against the carpet to mask the sound as my orgasm pulsed through me.
When he sensed that I was coming down from it, he pounded into me faster. He pulled out and ripped the condom off then I felt warm liquid shoot out all over my back. That wasn’t something I’d originally thought I’d enjoy…but I loved it.
“I’ll be right back,” he said, running to the bathroom to get a towel. After he cleaned me off, he lifted me off the ground and onto the bed.
The red digital numbers on the clock continued to make me extremely nervous. It was now four in the morning. We lay there facing each other, our lips inches apart.
He brushed his thumb along my cheek. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I smiled. “That was crazy.”
“That’s what happens when you ask me not to hold anything back. Was it too much for you?”
“No. It was what I expected.”
“You expected that…grand finale?”
“No…uh…that was definitely a surprise.” I laughed.
“I hadn’t ever done that before. I wanted to try something new, too.”
“Really?”
“I wish we had more time. I want to do everything with you.”
“Me, too.”
I wished we had forever.
***
Exhaustion from our activities must have gotten the best of me because I didn’t even remember falling asleep.
It was five in the morning, and the sun was starting to rise when I awoke to Elec lying on top of me, lightly kissing my neck. He was fully hard and had a condom on. His breathing was erratic as he continued to kiss my neck and suck on my breasts.
Already wet and ready for him, I had woken up even more aroused than I had been all night.
He kissed down to my stomach and back up then I felt him pushing inside of me. His thrusts were slow but intense. His eyes were closed, and he looked pained. An influx of emotions overwhelmed me suddenly as the reality of what had happened last night and what was about to happen today hit me.
The clock taunted me again. We were running out of time.
My heart felt like it was breaking a little more every time he entered me. He started to kiss me, and his mouth never left mine as he continued to push deeper into me in slow, controlled movements. This time felt different than the other two. It felt like he was trying to tell me with his body what he couldn’t with his words.
It felt like he was making love to me.
If there were any doubt about that, it was erased the minute he stopped kissing me and placed his face close to mine with his eyes open as he fucked me slowly. He never stopped looking into my eyes after that. It was as if he didn’t want to miss a moment of it because he knew it was the last. This time, it wasn’t about showing me anything. He was taking something he wanted to keep for himself.
The reflection of my own expression in his gray eyes told my side of the story. I had definitely lied. I had lied to him and to myself in saying I could handle this. It had only been a few hours, but it felt like a lifetime of attachment had built up in this room overnight, and it was about to be ripped apart.
His body shuddered as his orgasm suddenly shook through him. His eyes never left mine as he opened his mouth in a silent scream. My muscles clenched in climax as I watched him. He continued pumping into me slowly until there was nothing left of his orgasm.
His voice was hoarse. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“It’s okay,” I said, not even knowing exactly what he was referring to. Was it for coming before I had? Was it for his scheduled abandonment? Was it because he saw the look in my eyes and knew what I was really feeling? Either way, it didn’t change the fact that he was leaving.
Elec stayed with his head on my chest until his breathing calmed down.
When he returned from disposing the condom, I set the clock for seven. He leaned his cheek against my breast, closed his eyes and held me for the last time until we fell asleep.
***
When the alarm went off, I jumped up to find that the bed was empty. My heart started to race.
He’d left without saying goodbye.
The sun was now pouring through my window, adding to the rude awakening. I buried my head in my hands and cried. This was my own fault. I knew this would happen and had let it. My shoulders shook as tears seeped through the grooves separating my fingers. The soreness between my legs, which didn’t seem noticeable last night in the midst of my sex-induced fog, was now suddenly prominent.
My body flinched when I felt a hand on my back.
I turned around to find Elec standing above me, his eyes dark and empty. “You promised you could handle this, Greta.” He repeated almost inaudibly, “You fucking promised.”
My mouth trembled. “I thought you left without saying goodbye.”
“I went back to my room so that Randy and Sarah wouldn’t catch me in here when they got up. They both already left. I just finished packing my stuff.”
I sniffled and stood up. “Oh.”
“I wouldn’t have done that to you…left without saying goodbye…especially after what happened between us.”
I wiped my eyes. “What’s the difference? It doesn’t change the outcome.”
“No, it doesn’t. I don’t know what to say except that last night…it meant something to me. I want you to know that. I’ll never forget what you gave me. I’ll never forget any of this. But, you knew it was going to end.”
“I didn’t know it was going to feel like this.”
His hands were in his pockets, and he looked down at the ground then up at me. “Fuck. Neither, did I.” When he leaned in to hug me, I backed away.
“No…please. I don’t want you to touch me. That’s only going to make this worse.”
I couldn’t even speak as more tears fell. I shook my head in disbelief over how badly I’d lost my composure.
I cleared my throat. “What time do you have to leave?”
“A cab is coming any minute. It’s gonna take at least an hour to get to the airport in traffic.”
A
“I’ll be right back,” he said.
He left to take his luggage downstairs. By the time he’d returned to where I was standing in the same spot in my room, a car horn beeped outside.
“Shit. Hang on,” he said, running back out of the room.
I looked out the window and eventually saw Elec putting his suitcases into the back. When the trunk slammed shut, I could have sworn I felt it in my heart.
Elec said something to the driver and came back upstairs. I was still looking out the window blankly when his footsteps crept up behind me.
“I told him to wait. I’m not leaving until you look at me.”
I turned around. He must have seen the despair written all over my face.
His eyes looked watery. “Fuck. I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“It’s okay. It’s not gonna get any easier in the next minute. You’ll miss your flight. Go.”
Ignoring my earlier request not to be touched, he took hold of my face and looked deeply into my eyes. “I know this is hard for you to understand. I haven’t opened up to you about my relationship with Randy. Without your knowing everything and without your understanding what my mother is really like, it’s not going to make sense. Just know that if I could stay with you, I would.” He gave me a chaste kiss on the lips and continued, “I know that despite my warning, you gave me a piece of your heart anyway last night. And even though I tried to stop it, I gave you a piece of mine. I know you could feel that happening this morning. I want you to keep it with you tucked away. And when you decide to give the rest of yours to another guy someday, please make sure it’s someone who deserves you.”
Elec gave me one last desperate kiss. My eyes were stinging. When he pushed back, I gripped his jacket, tempted to never to let go. He waited until my hands left him to turn around and walk away.
Just like that, he’d exited my life as fast as he’d entered it.
I stood at the window and wished I hadn’t when he looked up at me one last time before entering the cab with the piece of my heart he knew he’d taken with him. As for the rest of my heart left behind, it was shattered.
***
Later that night, my phone chimed. It was a text from Elec with a link.
On the plane, I figured out if you scramble the letters of Greta, you get GREAT. Greta=Great. You’re amazing, actually. Don’t ever forget that. This song will always remind me of you.
It took me a few hours before I had the courage to click on the link. The name of the song was All I Wanted by Paramore. It was about wanting someone you couldn’t have and wanting to relive the short time spent together from the beginning.
I replayed the song over and over again in a torturous cycle that included inhaling his scent that lingered on his shirt that I was still wearing and on my bed sheets.
Elec would only contact me one other time over the next seven years.
On a random night almost one year after he’d left Boston, I was out with Victoria. I had just been thinking about him when a text came in and shook me to my core.
I still dream about your neck. I still think about you every day. For some reason, I just needed you to know that tonight. Please don’t write back.
I didn’t.
Despite the tears that fell so easily upon reading it, I didn’t. He hadn’t contacted me in so long, and I figured maybe he was just drunk. Even if he weren’t, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I understood that now. Actually, I’d become an expert at burying all of my feelings for Elec. His being so far away made that possible. The couple of times I disappointed myself by giving in to curiosity and checking online, he wasn’t even on social media.
Randy had also stopped going out to California now that Elec was an adult.
Even after several years, my heart still ached whenever I’d allow myself to think about our one night together. So, I did my best not to go there—out of sight, out of mind, right? That motto is just a temporary fix—until you’re forced to come face to face with what you’ve been running from. That’s when the mental walls you’ve built to hide behind come crashing down in one hard blow.
PART TWO
CHAPTER 12
“Randy’s dead.”
At first, it seemed like it could have been a dream. It was the middle of the night, and I’d had too much to drink while out with friends in Greenwich Village the evening before. When the phone rang at 3 A.M., my heart began to pound in dread, and to hear those words right off the bat had nearly stopped it altogether.
“Mom?”
She choked through sobs. “Randy’s dead, Greta. He had a heart attack. I’m at Mass General. They couldn’t save him.”
“Mom, breathe. Please.”
My mother was crying uncontrollably, causing me to feel helpless because there was nothing I could do about it from my apartment in New York.
She and Randy’s marriage had remained intact over the years, although in recent months, they’d been having a rocky time. Randy had never displayed toward my mother the same disrespect he’d shown Elec, but he’d always had an unpredictable temper with highs and lows and was difficult to live with.
The truth was, my mother had lost her soul mate when my father died all those years ago. Her marriage to Randy had always been one of convenience and stability. Even with his modest income as a car salesman, he provided for us well. Mom never worked and wasn’t the type who could handle being alone. Randy had been the first person to come along in the years after Dad passed away. I’d always gotten the impression that Randy was far more enamored with her than she was with him. Still, losing him was going to turn her life upside down. With my living far away, he’d been her whole world, not to mention, this was the second husband she’d now lost prematurely. I didn’t know how she was going to handle it.
I started to shake. “Oh my God.” I took a deep breath in an attempt to compose myself. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Mom.”
“He was dead before we even got to the hospital.”
I got up and immediately rolled my small suitcase from the closet. “Listen, I’m going to see where I can rent a car at this hour. I’ll try to be there by morning. Keep in touch by phone and let me know when you get home. Is someone with you?”
She sniffled. “Greg and Clara.”
That had made me feel better. Greg was one of Randy’s oldest friends who happened to relocate with his wife to the suburbs of Boston a few years back after a job transfer.
When I was able to find a rental car place that was open, I hit the highway about five in the morning.
On the four-hour drive to Boston, my mind became littered with thoughts about what Randy’s death would mean. Would I need to quit my job in the city and move back to Boston for Mom? She’d have to work for the first time in her life to support herself. How much time would I need to take off from work? And then, it hit me.
Elec.
Elec.
Oh my God. Elec.
Did he know about Randy? Would he come to Boston for the service?
Would I have to face him?
My hand anxiously gripped the steering wheel tighter as my other hand switched the music on the radio over and over unable to find anything that could drown out the noise in my head.
Even after seven years and a failed engagement to another man, my one true heartbreak had remained at the hands of my stepbrother. Now, my heart broke for him again in a different way because not only had my mother lost her husband, but Elec had just lost his father.
Randy was too young to die. Granted, his relationship with Elec was horrible, but the fact that they’d never made amends saddened me. Nothing stirred up my emotions like thoughts of Elec did. Even moving away from Mom and Randy never really changed that for me.
Two years after graduating from community college in Boston, I transferred to a small college just outside of Manhattan where I graduated with a liberal arts degree. Right out of school, I took an administrative position in the city. I’ve lived in New York for the past three years, and it was there that I met Tim.
We were together for two years. Tim worked in software sales and traveled a lot. We lived together for the last year of our relationship until his job wanted to transfer him to a European sales position. He’d accepted it without discussing it with me, and when I refused to move with him, we ended up breaking up. The move had pushed me to make a decision I would have made eventually anyway. He was a good guy, but overall, the passion I’d longed for was missing. Even in the beginning of our relationship, there was never the adrenaline and butterflies that I’d experienced in my short time with Elec. When I accepted Tim’s proposal, I’d hoped things would change and that I’d grow to love him like he deserved. That never happened.
I’d had two other boyfriends before Tim, and it was the same situation. I’d compared my feelings for them to my crazy attraction to Elec. Even though I knew Elec was gone from my life, I couldn’t seem to help comparing everyone to him, both sexually and intellectually. Even though it may not have shown on the surface, Elec was deep. There were many layers to him, and his writing exhibited that. There was so much I never got to know or unravel. But I knew I wanted to find someone with those same qualities. One thing my time with Elec also taught me was that sexual desire and fulfillment were just as important to me as an emotional connection.
My other boyfriends were nice guys, but they were average Joes. And it was sad, but I preferred to be alone than to give myself to someone with whom there was no spark. I hoped that someday I would have real chemistry again with someone.
The Welcome to Massachusetts sign made me anxious. There was so much that was unknown about what the next few days would bring. I’d have to help my mother with funeral arrangements, and it would surely trigger flashbacks to the horrible time when we had to do the same thing for my father.
When I pulled into our driveway, Randy’s Nissan was parked on the left, and the sight of it made me shudder. I used my key to let myself in and found my mother staring blankly at a cup of tea in the kitchen with no lights on. She hadn’t even noticed me walking into the room.
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