And not the good kind of throttle, like the other night in his shop, but the bad kind. The kind where whatever he’s about to say is going to make me upset too.
As soon as the front door shuts, Grayson pins me with a hard glare.
“I told you to stay away from Lorelei.”
“I haven’t gone near her.”
“When I said stay away from her, I didn’t just mean physically; I meant it in every sense of the word. What did you do, Nora?”
“Shit.” I hang my head.
Grayson holds his phone up in front of my face. Right there on the screen is a text from Lacey.
I can’t believe you paid Lorelei off. I’m disappointed, Gray. You gave her enough money to supply her drug habit for years.
“What did you do?” he shouts.
“I protected you!” I shout back. “What was I supposed to do? She’s toxic, and she was hurting you and the kids.”
“You were supposed to listen to me. You think I don’t know she’s toxic? Of course I fucking know! That’s why I wanted you to stay away from her.”
“I refuse to apologize for protecting you and the kids.”
Grayson pinches the bridge of his nose. “You didn’t protect me. You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust. You promised to stay away from her.”
“I didn’t betray you.”
“Yes, you did! How much, Nora? How much did you give her?”
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’ll never hear from her again.”
His eyes are on fire, his hands clenched tight at his sides. “It matters to me.”
“Five-hundred thousand.”
“Five-hundred thousand.” His voice is eerily calm as he repeats the number, but I can see the anger building inside of him. “You gave a drug addict five-hundred thousand dollars.”
“She was getting the money from interviews anyway. This put a stop to that.”
“How do you figure?”
“I paid her, and she signed a contract. She has to issue a public apology to you and the kids, and she can’t ever talk to the press again about her relationship with you, or the children, or anything that happened in the past. This is a win-win for everyone, Grayson.”
“You mean it’s a win for you?”
“Excuse me?”
“It gets my crazy ex out of the news and shifts the spotlight away from you.”
“Away from us. Away from the kids. Jesus, Grayson, do you really think I did any of this for me?”
“I don’t know, Nora. I don’t know what the fuck to think anymore. It’s all so fucked up. The paparazzi, my personal life trending on Twitter, and my face on the front of rag mags is fucked up. This isn’t my life, and I hate it.”
Emotion builds thick in my throat. I manage to push it down enough to get my words out.
“But it’s my life. It’s my life, Grayson, and that’s not going to change anytime soon.”
“That’s exactly it. It’s your life. That doesn’t mean I want it to be mine.”
“What did you think was going to happen when you started dating a celebrity?”
“Obviously I wasn’t.”
My lips part in shock. I stumble back. “What are you saying?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying.” He blows out a breath and pushes his fingers through his hair. “I just know I can’t do this. I have to be able to trust you, Nora, and you have to know you can’t fix my problems by throwing money at them. Buying off Lorelei was a huge mistake.”
“Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. I can’t apologize for that, because it got her off your back.”
“But that’s the thing, She wasn’t on my back. For two years, I didn’t hear a word from the woman—until you and I got involved.”
“You’re saying this is my fault?”
He props his hands on his hips, and then tosses them into the air. “No. It’s not your fault. I just…I want things to go back to the way they were. I want my life back. I want to be able to go into town without hearing people whisper or someone trying to take a picture of my kids. I don’t want the drama your life brings.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “But I need some time to think. I need to decide the best way to move forward.”
“Let’s go away for the weekend,” I blurt, desperate to get us back on track. “I hadn’t mentioned it yet—I was waiting for Duke to leave—but Marnie called me earlier. She set me up to play an intimate concert this weekend in Nashville. It’s at a little pub. Come with me. We can get away from all of this, clear our heads, and talk through everything.”
Grayson looks appalled at the suggestion.
“I can’t.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “We were just gone, and look at the shit that went down. I can’t leave the kids again.”
“Bring them.”
“I can’t bring the kids,” he admonishes.
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t. God, it’s that easy for you, isn’t it? You want something, so you do it, and I should be the same way?”
This damn conversation isn’t going at all as I’d hoped it would.
I lower my voice and try to stay calm.
“It is that easy, Grayson. You’re just making it more complicated than it needs to be. You’re making excuses.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. You’re scared. This is real. What we have is real, and you’re scared. I’m not Lorelei. I’m not going to hurt you.”
“You hurt me when you went behind my back and paid her off.”
“I am sorry you feel betrayed. That was never my intention, but I can promise you I won’t hurt you again, and I won’t hurt your kids.”
Grayson shakes his head. Maybe I’m finally getting through to him. Maybe we’re finally getting somewhere.
I take a hesitant step forward, and when he doesn’t turn away, I take another and another until I’m standing in front of him. I touch his cheek.
“We’re great together,” I whisper.
He blinks past the tears in his eyes. “We are great together, but we’re also naive for thinking a relationship between us could work.”
“It can work.”
“I thought so too, but now I’m not sure. I’ll never fit into your world.”
“That’s a bullshit excuse if I’ve ever heard one. I never pegged you as a coward.”
Grayson’s jaw clenches tight. “I’m not a coward. I’m a realist. Pull your head out of your ass, Nora. Life isn’t a fairytale where everything is wrapped in a neat little bow with the perfect happily ever after.”
“I know that.”
“Do you? Because from where I’m standing, you think everything can be fixed with money or a vacation. You’re blinded by lust—”
“Not lust, love. I love you, Grayson.” My heart explodes at the unintended confession.
Grayson’s eyes widen. He’s momentarily stunned, and I use it as an opportunity to tell him again.
“I love you. I’ve loved you for a while. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
“No, you don’t. You’re infatuated with the idea of us.”
“Don’t tell me what I feel.” I shake my head and take a step back. “I love you, Grayson. I love you. I love you and your kids, and you’re pushing me away because you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared, I’m—I think we rushed into this. Maybe we need to take a step back and really think about what we want.”
“I know what I want!”
“Well, maybe I don’t,” he shouts back, his eyes wide, stunned at his own words.
I stumble back. “All my life, I’ve felt off—like something has been out of sorts. And then I moved here, met you and your kids, and everything snapped into place. This is where I’m supposed to be. This—being here with you, Jack, Emma, and Henry—is what I’m supposed to be doing. When I’m on stage singing, everything is a blur of black and white. But here with you, ev
erything is crisp and bright. After years of searching, I’ve finally found my happiness, and I don’t want to lose it.”
Grayson’s face is a perfect blank mask, giving nothing away.
I sniff and wipe an arm across my face. “But can I lose something that was never really mine to begin with? You gave me your body, and I believe you tried to give me your heart, but did you ever really let me into your life, or have you been waiting for something like this to happen?”
He shakes his head. “That’s not it at all.”
“I don’t believe you,” I say. “I think you’ve had one foot out the door the entire time. You’ve been hurt. Well, guess what? So have I. But I’m still willing to put it all on the line for you and your kids because I love you. But you’re not willing to do the same, and I refuse to fight for someone who won’t fight for me.”
“I can’t fight for you when I’m trying to figure out what’s best for them.”
His words are a swift kick to the gut, nearly causing me to double over. No matter how much I want it, he’s not making room for me in his family. I’ll always be on the outside looking in.
And you know what? I think a part of me would be willing to take whatever scraps he throws my way. But the other part—the part that knows what it’s like to be loved by this man—refuses to accept anything less than his all.
For whatever bullshit reason, he’s spooked, and it’s something he has to find his own way out of.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for, Grayson.”
“Nora...”
For the first time since we started arguing, I see a flash of fear in his eyes.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me to stay and I will.
He doesn’t.
“I think it’s best for everyone if I go stay with Nick and Jessa for a few days.”
“What about the kids? They’ll wonder where you went.”
“Tell them something came up with work. I assume you can find someone to help you watch them?”
I don’t want to leave him or the kids hanging, but I can’t stay here. I can’t be this close to him, loving him and knowing he doesn’t feel the same way.
Grayson nods. “Duke can help.”
With that, I turn and leave.
There’s truth to the old adage that actions speak louder than words, because he doesn’t call to me or try to stop me, and his inaction tells me all I need to know.
34
Grayson
I’m still trying to figure out what the hell just happened when Duke walks in the door with the kids.
I waited until Nora put her suitcase in the back of her brother’s beat-up Ford before I texted Duke and told him it was safe to come back.
Watching her leave was so much harder than I thought it would be. I wanted to run after her, tell her I was sorry, and beg her to forgive me, but I don’t have the right to do that. I owe it to myself, my kids, and her to figure out my shit before I try to mesh our lives together.
When I confronted her about paying off Lorelei, I had no idea the conversation would escalate the way it did. I just wanted her to know how much it hurt that she went behind my back and to find out why she did it.
Now she’s gone, and there’s a gaping hole in the center of my chest.
Duke knows immediately that something’s wrong, but he doesn’t say a word. Instead, he sticks around, helps me field questions from the kids about Nora, get them cleaned up and in bed, and then he hands me a beer.
“What the fuck happened today?”
“I think we broke up.”
“What do you mean you think you broke up?”
“She left.”
“Did you give her a reason to stay?”
I take a swig of my beer and shake my head. “I gave her every reason to go.”
“You’re not making sense. What the fuck happened? One minute we were having dinner, and the next she’s gone.”
I can’t find the words to explain what happened because I’m still trying to understand it myself.
“I was mad,” I say, dropping onto a kitchen chair.
“At what?”
“She paid Lorelei half a million dollars to stop going to the press. She made her sign a contract stating she couldn’t talk to anyone ever again about our relationship or anything at all that happened.”
“You high-fived her for that right?”
I frown. “No. You wouldn’t have been pissed?”
“Not at all. You two had an issue, she solved it, end of story.”
“It wasn’t her issue to solve.”
“Wasn’t it? You two were in a relationship, right?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t have much experience with those, but I do know it makes you a team. You stick up for one another, help each other out. Seems to me that’s what she was doing.”
“Maybe,” I mumble. “But it doesn’t make what she did right. All Lorelei is going to do with that money is buy more drugs.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But that’s not your problem.”
He’s right. God, I hate it when he’s right.
“It’s not just that. It’s everything Nora’s life represents. The drama and manipulation. We were barely together, and already a photo of me was being twisted to look bad. What happens when I see suggestive photos of Nora with another man?”
“She’s a celebrity. It’s bound to happen.”
“I know that. But how am I supposed to know what’s real and isn’t real? How am I supposed to know she isn’t hiding something or—”
“She’s not Lorelei.”
“I know that.”
“Do you? Because it seems to me you’re expecting her to make the same mistakes Lorelei made.”
Is that what I’m doing?
“You’re waiting for her to screw up because it’s easier than giving her your trust. Listen, brother…” Duke sits beside me. “I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I have no idea what it takes to make one of those work, but I know what it takes to make one fall apart, because I have plenty of practice with that. You asked a second ago how you’re supposed to know what’s real and what isn’t when Nora’s world is made of make believe. Well, you’re not. But you will have to trust her. You have to believe in her and give her a chance.”
“I haven’t done that.”
I haven’t trusted her the way she has me. Fuck, maybe she was right. Maybe I did have one foot out the door the whole time.
I look at Duke. “I fucked up.”
“That’s okay. You’re a man. It’s expected.”
“She told me she loved me, and I threw it back in her face. I didn’t trust her feelings for me. But she’s never given me a reason not to. Other than not tell me she paid off Lorelei, she’s always been open and honest, almost to a fault.”
“Because she is a good fucking woman. I’m telling you, bro, there aren’t many of those left in the world today.”
“What have I done? She told me she loved me, and I led her to believe I don’t feel the same way. But I do. Take away all the shit that happened, and my insecurities, and she’s everything to me. She’s all I think about. All I want. I love her.”
“Yeah, you do! Now go tell her.”
“I can’t.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because I can’t leave the kids.”
Duke rolls his eyes. “That’s what I’m here for. Go get your girl.”
I can’t believe I let her go. I was so afraid of getting hurt again, of getting wrapped up in the same shit I dealt with last time I let myself fall in love, that I bailed the first chance I got.
She’s right. I am scared.
I’m also man enough to admit it, and admit when I’m wrong.
“I have to go to her.”
Duke smiles at me. “Go.”
I hand Duke my beer, grab my keys, and I’m out of the house. I call Nora. She doesn’t answer. I call again, and this time I leave a voicemail.
; She doesn’t call me back.
I drive to Nick and Jessa’s, but the lights are off, and the Ford truck is gone. That’s okay. Maybe she went for a drive to clear her head. That’s a good reason to be gone at this time of night. I walk around the back of the house just be sure she didn’t park there, but nothing.
I climb into my car, content to wait for her, but she never shows.
Well, shit, how am I supposed to apologize if she won’t come home or answer her phone? Then again, after the things I said to her, I don’t deserve to have her answer.
I wait like a stalker for her show back up. At one point I even consider calling Nick and dragging his ass out of bed to ask if he’s talked to her, but I decide against it. He might not know about what happened, and there’s a good possibility he’ll murder me when he finds out.
Kinda hard to win the girl back when I’m buried six feet under.
For three hours I wait for her, leaving voicemail after voicemail, and nothing. I finally give up and go home, but I send her one last text before I crawl into bed.
I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I’d like to make it right. I want to apologize, but not over the phone or via text. I want to talk to you. I want to see you, baby. Please call me. Right now I just want to know you’re safe.
The next morning, there’s still no reply. I’m thankful Duke stayed the night because it means he’s still at the house and can keep the kids while I go back over to Nick’s.
“Thanks, brother,” I say on my way out the door.
The kids are wrapped up in whatever movie is on TV and don’t seem at all bothered that I’m leaving.
Duke lifts his coffee into the air. “Anything for love.”
“She’s not here,” Jessa says as soon as she answers the door.
I notice right away that she props a hip on the doorframe and doesn’t invite me in.
“Where is she?”
“None of your damn business.” Nick pushes his way in front of Jessa and backs me off the porch. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I came to apologize.”
He blinks. “It’s too late.”
My heart slams hard inside my chest. “What do you mean it’s too late? Where is she?”
Wait For Me Page 24