“Discuss how important love interests are!” a matchmaker cried.
Some characters thought it was strange that Broody didn’t know who had written in his book. A few suggested his evil twin, or another case of brainwashing. But what was written was such an unbroody-like thought, it couldn’t have possibly been him. Even his evil twin would agree that no one related to, inspired by, or cloned from a Broody could have possibly written the strange note.
“Will the best friend get any screen time?” Broody’s own best friend asked.
“Well, you can now, I guess,” Broody told him, jotting down their exchange, which was more than his best friend often got dialogue-wise. “Unless you’ve got something funny to say? You know I’m not very funny.”
“No, I’m not your comic relief friend. He’s over by the water fountain.” Broody’s best friend’s voice was sad, and he spoke in a sad manner, shaking his head sadly.
Broody frowned at his own interior monologue. He sounded rather … blandly repetitious, even to his own ears.
Could that note have been right?
No.
Impossible.
He wasn’t boring! He was Broody McHottiepants …
And he wasn’t allowed to star in any more books.
“Hey, dude, wait,” Broody called, catching his friend before he walked away. “Quick question to help me out with the next chapter. What do I have that you don’t?”
“Are you really asking me that?”
“Uh, yeah.” Broody repeated the question.
Broody’s best friend sighed. “I don’t know. Just about everything? You get the girl, the plot, the medal. Heck, sometimes you don’t even need friends to accomplish your goal. And me? All I get is a couple witty lines, or I get kidnapped and possibly tortured. It’s not fun.”
Broody furrowed his brow. It was a noble brow, even when furrowed, although Broody didn’t quite know what that meant. He assumed it had something to do with him having the forehead of a prince, but a very handsome one, and not one of those weird inbred ones from the Middle Ages. Habsburgs—that’s what they were called. He could remember that because they’d been discussing them in a history class where a love interest had been present, so he’d paid attention to impress her. Plus, he enjoyed brushing up on his history; he never knew when he’d be written into a historical novel.
Why, one time, when he’d been playing the prince of an undisclosed European nation in the 1600s …
“Uh. Broody?” his best friend asked. “You know, it’s rude to start having a flashback memory when you’ve asked someone for advice.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” Broody blinked his brilliant, beautiful, bright blue eyes. That was a fabulously alliterative sentence, he realized, and congratulated himself. He was truly becoming a better writer by the minute.
The best friend sighed. “I guess, to me, being a main character means you get to have a whole story about you. Not a novella, or one episode where the writer magnanimously lets you save the day. A whole story. That’s all I want, really.” Broody’s best friend glanced at the crowd around them. “That’s all any of us want, I suppose.”
“Why, then, you should be more like me!” Broody announced, giving his friend a high five. “Thank you for your help. I’m off to finish my book! You should totally buy it when it comes out. It’ll be in all the stores!”
In a rush, Broody hurried back to his room, ignoring how the town had already shifted into some bleak dystopian village, with small concrete huts, all in depressing shades of gray. The setting changed as new stories were drafted by Authors. It was something all the characters were used to by now.
Although he did hate the obnoxious overhead sirens and robotic voices that always came with the dystopian. He much preferred the peace and relative quiet of the generic suburbia setting. Plus, suburbia came with way better coffee.
Broody returned to his desk, excited by what he planned to write next. That was just like a great best friend: giving him all the useful ideas, and asking for absolutely nothing, not even credit, in return. Broody loved having supporting characters as friends.
They were just so … supportive.
If Broody had been paying more attention, though, he would have realized a faint scent of strawberry lip gloss lingered in the air.
For someone was reading and editing his book.
Someone downright …
Evil.
CHAPTER 3
HOW WILL YOU ACHIEVE MAIN CHARACTER STATUS?
So, now that I’ve introduced myself, and we’ve discovered who you are, how will you truly achieve your main character status? That’s what you want, right? Or do you secretly wish to remain a supporting character who will only appear in a few chapters and never receive any beautiful fan art of yourself?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
After the last chapter, I feel confident that you have the main character appearance down, so the next step is to get you inside a story. A bunch of main characters sitting around, talking and flirting with one another does not a story make. Although, once in a while, my intense gaze and flirty eyelashes can fool my readers into thinking that’s all they need in their books.
As we discussed, you’ll never be quite as magically wonderful as me, but that’s okay. No one is. That’s why I’m Broody McHottiepants, ten-thousand-time gold medalist in the Love Triangle Marathon.
You know who’s never won a single love triangle? Blondie DeMeani.
# # #
For a story to be a story, nine out of ten Authors recommend something called plot. The tenth Author is a literary fiction writer who believes beauty and story can be found in stream of consciousness narrative, so we can ignore her opinion.
The plot is simply the stuff that fills the gaps between kissing scenes. At least in any book I’ve ever been in. Are there books without kissing? This is worth exploring.
But you’ll need more than plot to be a main character. You have to have setting! Genre! Tension! And so many other elements that’ll get mixed into the creative batter of your novel. It takes more than just a pretty face to make a bestselling, main character-driven tale, my friend.
However, these features can be confusing to new main characters, such as yourself. After all, secondary characters exist on the page barely long enough to piece together what the plot could possibly be. They might not even know what a plot is.
Good thing I’m here to help.
Truly, I should receive an award for my generosity. Or, at the very least, a hug. Which is actually an award for both of us, because my hugs can alter your very heartbeat to synchronize with mine. And who doesn’t want a matching heartbeat? That’s at least five levels cooler than matching friendship bracelets.
As I was saying, I am the picture of generosity. Have you ever met a main character so intent on helping the less fortunate characters of the world? I didn’t think so. Just remember that when you start to think the Nice Guy Next Door is a better choice for you, all right? Or when I do something cruel and coldhearted, like breaking up with you because it’s a Tuesday.
In fact, allow me to present to you this “Broody Gets Out of Bad Character Jail Free” card I made myself as a reward for my own generosity and kindness in writing this book for you. Should I ever do anything unkind, like ignore you in front of my popular friends, simply look down at this coupon tucked into your purse and remember that I am, by far, the most wonderful fictional boyfriend ever.
Wow. This whole “being a kind of nice guy” thing is really appealing. I mean, I get presents, I get your never-ending adoration, I get book deals … What’s not to love? Maybe I should do something else that’s nice.
Okay. Not only am I going to do a nice thing, I’m going to use it to help explain what makes a story compelling.
What follows is a closely guarded secret. It’s been handed down for ages. I can trust you, dear reader, can’t I? We’ve been through so many pages together already. Surely you won’t betray me and give this secret to a
n antagonist, or worse, to my romantic rival?
All right, here it is …
THE BROODING YA HERO CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE RECIPE
Ingredients
• 1 box cake mix, any flavor, the kind you’d use to make cupcakes for my birthday, which no one ever remembers (Except you. You won’t forget, right?)
• ½ cup butter or margarine, softened the way my heart softens around you
• 1 tablespoon milk, roughly the same shade as my usual skin tone
• 2 teaspoons vanilla, ’cause the blandest of flavors is perfect for my bland love
• 1 egg, preferably a dragon’s egg that you risked your life to retrieve, but a chicken’s egg will work, too
Optional Goodies, a.k.a. “Characters”
(Pick one or two. These are not ensemble cast cookies.)
• ½ cup chopped nuts
• 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
• 1 cup white chocolate chips
• 1 cup butterscotch chips
• A handful of M&M’s
• Raisins
• Craisins
• Braisins (probably not a real thing, but they should be)
Instructions
Heat oven to 350°F (325°F for any pans darker than the dark secret I’m currently keeping).
In large bowl, beat cake mix, butter, milk, vanilla, and egg with electric mixer on medium speed until smooth, or mix with spoon. (Bonus points if you dance like you’re at prom with me while doing so.)
Mix in additional 1 tablespoon milk if dough is too dry. Stir in goodies. Keep dancing.
Drop dough by tablespoonfuls, spacing 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheets.
Bake cookies 10 to 12 minutes or until edges are set. (Centers will be soft and cookies will be very light in color.) This is probably enough time to read a chapter of an excellent book featuring me.
Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheets to cooling rack. Remind yourself that you’re always cool, because you have the secret to Broody’s cookie recipe.
Right, so now that you’ve made those cookies, and presumably are mailing me some, let’s talk about all the things they represent.
The cake mix is the setting. No one invents a setting completely from scratch, right? I mean, I suppose you could rename trees into Shxsas and break all the laws of physics in a made-up world, but that sounds like a lot of work. It’s much more fun to start with a familiar setting, like “a small town high school” or “outer space” and make it your own.
The goodies? Yeah, those are your characters. The story changes with whatever you mix into it. A cookie with chocolate chips and raisins is going to taste a lot different from a cookie with butterscotch chips and craisins.
And the plot? That’s the egg and vanilla and butter—all those good things that make the magic happen. Cookie dough is delicious, it is true. But you know what’s not delicious? Flour and whatever else is in plain old cake mix. You need the egg and butter to make it yummy, just like a story with a pretty setting and cool characters isn’t yummy without plot. This magical ingredient in a story holds the elements together and, in turn, that’s what holds a reader’s interest. With a good enough plot, why, you’ll charm the reader into staying up all night with you, until they turn the last page, bleary-eyed and as hungry for more blood—er, books—as any vampire.
We’ve already talked a lot about the characters, and even though I’d love to tell you more about myself—it’s my favorite topic—my coauthor is threatening to cut some of my beautiful adjectives if I keep babbling. So, regretfully, I must stop talking about me and resume our discussion of the other elements essential to attaining your main character destiny. Sorry, but I’ll do anything to keep that fifteenth time my eyes are referred to as emerald orbs of pure light. I’m sure you understand.
Setting/Genre
I’ve combined setting and genre because I feel it’s hard to talk about one without the other. I’ve woken up in Victorian London countless times, but sometimes I wake up to find vampires, and other times, it’s steampunk clockwork monsters chasing me. So, take it from me as a main character, you need to immediately identify your genre and setting, or risk having a rogue monster mar your perfect skin.
If I have to describe them separately (and I do because my coauthor is making me), I’d say setting is the window to the soul—no, wait, sorry, those are my eyes. Setting is what the reader would see if they peered through an actual window of the book. The landscape, the buildings, the way the sunlight glints off my bronze skin …
But setting is more than that. It includes the foods the characters eat (I prefer manly foods like steak, and patriarchy pie), the types of music they listen to (manly music … like whatever ’80s songs my Author listened to as a teen), and the way they speak (manly—you know, accompanied by grunts, and arm waving and eyebrow waggling).
Genre, meanwhile, is the flavor of the story—the rules of the game. Almost all stories pick one genre, and marry it, like a good love interest and her hero. There’s no law against genre hopping, so yes, you could have zombies attack your high school and battle them off with Excalibur and then escape into outer space … but that’s a lot of work. As a main character, it’s hard enough thinking of witty one-liners in the face of danger. Save yourself some effort, and stick with one genre.
My fictional character passport is full of stamps from the countless genres and worlds I’ve been in, and as a seasoned (and altruistic) traveler, I’ve graciously decided to pass on some of that knowledge and experience to you. The following could save your life one day, so pay attention and read carefully!
# # #
Come On Over to Contemporary!
This is the default genre for many of us fictional characters. In this world, teenagers, often called “students,” attend an oppressive, boring place called “high school.” They jostle for position at “lunch tables,” play “sportsball,” and daydream about a strange, magical ritual dance known as “prom.”
On the plus side, in contemporary fiction, the laws of gravity, and of common sense, are pretty much as one would expect them to be. No mysterious UFOs or rabid unicorns crashing your party. Even so, the Author will turn the “dial of coincidence” all the way to its highest setting. (One might even say they’ll turn the dial to 11. Because what’s a story written for teens without a pop culture reference from over thirty years ago?) So, if you ever meet someone in a crowded airport in chapter one, you can bet they’ll be sitting next to you on the plane and flying to your final destination. Some might call this creepy. I prefer to call it true love.
Packing List:
• Your phone. This will never actually be used to solve any plot-related issues, but it will cause a lot of trouble for you when it breaks or you miss important calls.
• Your car. Every main character in contemporary YA must be at least sixteen and have a vehicle of some type. Luckily, there are no silly rules limiting teen driving to certain hours, and all of us main characters pass our driving tests instantly. We also all have cars that perfectly match our personalities. That guy next door has to drive his parents’ old minivan. Me? I have an obscure, expensive sports car my Author found for me on Pinterest.
• A quirky T-shirt. What better way is there to show off your sense of humor than a T-shirt? Your Author wisely chose your wardrobe, knowing that a T-shirt will never go out of style, no matter how many years it took her to write your book.
• Coffee of some sort. All contemporary main characters need caffeine. The drink is exactly whatever your Author drinks, whether it’s a complex latte or straight black, no sugar. No, I’m not sure why you have the spending habits and caffeine addiction of a middle-aged adult, either.
Fall into a Fantasy!
This is a magical place (literally), and it’s full of excitement. It’s also full of vaguely feudal European references, which are poorly researched. Oh, and there’s always tons of white people. Usually, there’s a map in the front of your book, and you’re g
onna need it, ’cause there are tons of countries. How else is the Author going to arrange marriages between royal heirs?
If you’re a main character in a fantasy, odds are you’re either the recognized heir to the kingdom, a lost heir, or someone who will save the kingdom and marry into the royal family. So, in short, life in a lush castle is in your future.
Which is good, ’cause usually your life before the first chapter kinda sucks. You’re probably an orphan, or your only relative might die immediately before your plot starts. A lot of people die in fantasy. Try not to get too attached to anyone, not even your love interest, and especially not that kindhearted mentor you have.
Unless he’s also your love interest. Then it’s okay to kiss him.
Other helpful hints for fantasy: Pay attention anytime there’s a prophecy. It’s probably about you. If there’s a Chosen One, yup, that’s you, too. Also, whatever magic exists in your world, you’ll probably be the absolute best at it. At the very least, you should be able to use it to solve about 87 percent of your problems.
If you’re a girl in a fantasy novel, be sure to announce loudly how you just want to have adventures and sword fights, and declare your hatred for needlepoint often. It is a simple fact that any female character in a patriarchy-based fantasy novel who actually enjoys needlepoint will not be a heroine. It’s almost like we demean women who enjoy activities typically coded as feminine. Weird.
Packing List:
• A sword. A bow and arrows may be useful, too, but a sword is a must. You’ll learn how to use it in a very short training montage, and don’t worry, you’ll never gain any ugly muscles from the practice.
• A horse. These creatures are basically cars with legs, and are capable of galloping across the land with no need to rest or to refuel. Unlike in real life, where horses require actual effort to maintain.
• A tool with which to do magic. It can be a book or a wand or a particularly nice rock. The magic system you’re using will never be explained in depth, so don’t worry too much about it.
• A meaningful … thing. A tattoo? An earring? A toenail clipping? Whatever it is, you’ve had it since birth. It’s secretly very powerful, and it will save your life at the exact moment your Author realized she had no idea how to do so without it.
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