“Well, good morning to you, too, sunshine.”
“You look like shit, Ryan.”
I rolled my eyes. But how could I argue with her? Okay, perhaps she could’ve been a bit less direct, but I couldn’t begrudge her the opinion. Not when she was right.
Needless to say, I’d gotten zero sleep the night before, which, by my calculations, brought my grand sleep total for the past forty-eight hours somewhere close to negative three hours. Of course, I was using the new math. And boy did it show. The sleep thing, not the math. The makeup I’d so painstakingly applied that morning had done little to conceal the dark circles under my eyes, my hair had been less cooperative than usual, and I had a defeated, lackluster air about me that made my reflection virtually unrecognizable.
Allison, naturally, looked stunning. Breathtakingly, mouthwateringly gorgeous. Not a hair out of place, not a wrinkle or a smudge anywhere to be seen. She was flawless, as usual. I sort of hated her for that.
“Aw, thanks, Allison. You always say the sweetest things.”
She eyed me curiously as she motioned for me to follow her inside. “Do me a favor and tell your girl to let you get some shut-eye tonight, okay? I mean, I know how totally sexy you are, and I can’t blame the woman for not being able to keep her hands off you, but you can’t show up on game day looking like this. You’re a mess.”
When I was a teenager, I’d taken a soccer ball to the gut once during a pickup game. It’d been kicked hard by one of the older boys and had hit me squarely. I’d saved the point since my body had stopped the goal, but it’d knocked the wind out of me, and I’d spent several long minutes on my hands and knees on the field, trying to force my lungs to inhale and being unable to make my body comply. Allison’s words had a similar effect.
A heavy silence hung in the space between us, and I turned my back on her, blinking furiously, trying to keep the tears from my eyes. She’d only been joking. I knew that. But the jest hit a tad closer to home than my already-raw nerves were prepared to handle. I took a deep, shuddering breath and rested my forehead and one palm against the glass of the window, relishing its cool, smooth texture. I closed my eyes, grateful that Allison was otherwise occupied at the moment.
A hand on my shoulder startled me, but I didn’t turn around. Instead, I silently cursed my own distraction and tried to scrape together the last vestiges of my game face and slap it on before she was any wiser.
“Hey.” Allison’s voice was soft in my ear, the tone so tender I wanted to sob. Like I needed another reason at this point. “You okay?”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak, and swallowed with effort. The lump that’d taken up permanent residence in my throat a few hours earlier felt as though it might actually be growing. It went nicely with the huge weight that’d settled in my chest where my heart used to be and the churning nausea that was making me regret my earlier demand for chocolate-chip pancakes.
Allison’s hand pushed lightly in an effort to turn me around, and I resisted, but only for a bit. I may’ve been stubborn, but in Allison I’d met my match. She just kept nudging until I finally relented. I faced her with my chin to my chest and my eyes downcast, which I’d thought was a great plan. Right up until she cupped my chin in her other hand and tilted it up so she could meet my gaze.
“What’s wrong?”
The concern and worry marring her perfect features tore at me, and I nearly collapsed under the onslaught of a completely new stab of guilt. The tears threatened to come again, and I bit my lower lip. Lucia had been wrong. I wasn’t heartless. I couldn’t possibly be in this much pain if I was. Too bad she wasn’t here to see it.
I stroked Allison’s cheek with the palm of my hand, and the warmth of her skin dispelled the cold left by the glass. I opened my mouth, but only a weary sigh escaped. I shook my head.
Curiosity flickered in her eyes, but all she said was, “Come here,” as she tugged me into a soothing hug.
I wanted to fight it, fight her. I didn’t want her to see me when I was weak, and I sure as hell didn’t want to need comforting, especially not from the first woman who’d broken my heart. But her scent was too intoxicating, her warmth too inviting, and my need too great. I gratefully gave in.
I sank into her arms and wrapped my own around her, pulling her tight to my body. I soaked up her presence the way a flower soaks up the sun and drew comfort from the embrace. I took as much solace from the gesture as I possibly could and garnered the strength necessary to face the day, despite the new cracks to my battered heart. The hug lasted a lot longer than it probably should’ve, but I was raw and aching and, frankly, it gave me the consolation I required. It was only when I’d started to become more aware of her body and the old lingering pangs of arousal started clamoring in the back of my head that I let go.
I cleared my throat as I stepped back, thoroughly embarrassed, and swiped at my cheeks hastily to remove any traces of tears. My gaze flitted to her and then skittered away, and I licked my lips, suddenly nervous.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“Not a problem.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
I shrugged and chanced a glance at her. I’d been expecting…I don’t really know what I’d been expecting. Amusement, maybe? Mischief? I wasn’t sure. But I did know it wasn’t this sympathetic expression. It might’ve been easier for me if she’d made fun of me. I would’ve had a better idea how to respond.
“It was a rough night. You about ready to go?” I made a move toward the door, but she grabbed my arm.
“Hang on there, speed racer. Not until you tell me what the hell that was all about.”
“It was nothing. Can we go? We won’t have time for pancakes if we don’t get a move on.” I wouldn’t be able to get through telling her what’d happened with Lucia without breaking down again, and we definitely didn’t have time for that. Besides, if she thought I looked like a mess now, she really didn’t want to see me after that.
The muscles in Allison’s jaw tensed, and she folded her arms across her chest as she stared at me. Deliberately and without once breaking eye contact, she slowly lowered herself so she was sitting on the edge of the bed. She crossed one leg over the other and waited, her posture as indicative as her expression that we weren’t going anywhere until I bared my soul.
After a flash of misplaced irritation I threw up my hands. “Jesus, will you just drop it? Come on. We’ve got shit to do. I’m not in the fucking mood for this.”
Okay, I’ll admit, that was much. Like, completely, totally, over-the-line much. She was merely expressing concern. I had no right to bite her head off. I regretted my outburst immediately but for some reason couldn’t bring myself to actually speak the words of apology she deserved. I did, however, place trembling fingers over my lips.
Here’s where I’ll give Allison credit for her skills at controlling her temper and knowing exactly how to handle me. While other people might’ve snapped right back and told me to go fuck myself, she merely cocked her head slightly and looked at me for a long moment. Her stern glare was penetrating enough that I flushed and dropped my eyes first.
“Are you finished?”
“I think so.”
“Good.” She held one hand up and extended her index finger. “First, I’m only trying to help, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t yell at me.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Allison nodded once, but she clearly wasn’t through. She held up another finger. “Second, I will thank you to watch your fucking mouth when you’re in my presence. I won’t take any more goddamn blasphemy from you.”
A small smile threatened to break out across my lips, spurred on by the seriousness of her expression. I dipped my head. “Done.”
“And, third, there is always time for chocolate-chip pancakes.”
At that, I laughed and held out my hand to her as though to help her up. She took it and accepted my assistance even t
hough we both knew she didn’t really need it. It was my way of apologizing and her way of accepting.
“You’re right. What the hell was I thinking?”
“I’m leaning toward temporary insanity.” Allison flashed me a grin over her shoulder as she made her way back to the bathroom. She clattered around in there for a few minutes, affording me ample time to clean myself up and fix my own makeup in the mirror over the desk. By the time she emerged, we’d both cooled off, and the atmosphere between us had a much more bearable weight.
“Just tell me this much,” Allison said as she slid into her suit jacket. “Is Lucia okay?”
The mere mention of her name threatened to catapult me right back into my earlier despondency. I focused instead on Allison’s oddly crumpled collar and rolled my eyes, motioning her closer. I adjusted it for her and gave her a friendly pat on the shoulder. I didn’t feel even a twinge when I touched her, which spoke volumes about my mental and emotional state at that moment.
“I’m going to go with yes.”
She shot me a quizzical look. “What do you mean you’re ‘going to go with’? Don’t you know?”
I shrugged and tried to ignore the misery gnawing away at my insides and making me faintly nauseous. “She was okay when she left my place last night.” Well, physically anyway.
“Ah. You guys had a fight.” It wasn’t a question.
I hesitated. A small part of me didn’t want to disclose any details to Allison. She’d already seen me break down once. I didn’t think I’d be able to look her in the eye if I lost it twice in one day. Besides, despite our past, we really weren’t friends. We never had been. Plus, I didn’t need pity from anyone at the moment, least of all her.
Also, a miniscule part of me felt stupid admitting that Lucia had dumped me, as if I were afraid Allison would take it as further proof I just wasn’t good girlfriend material. Not that she needed any more, apparently, or we’d still be together. But I was humiliated and upset enough about the dissolution of the only relationship I’d been interested in pursuing since her without adding that on top of it. And I deliberately avoided any examination as to why that would even bother me. I could only juggle so many balls at once, and it was best to leave that one on the ground.
“Yeah. Something like that.”
“Well, I’m sure you guys will work it out.” Allison was making one last visual sweep of the room. “She really loves you.”
A bitter bark of laughter bubbled up in my throat, and I couldn’t bite it back. The harsh, shrill sound caught Allison’s full attention. “And therein lies the problem because apparently I’m heartless.” I hadn’t meant for that little gem to slip out, either, but there it was. I really needed to get some sleep.
Allison frowned. “What?”
“Yeah, I know. Heartless. That’s what she said. Ironic, isn’t it? Since you seemed to have the exact opposite problem with me.”
I gasped and froze the instant the words were out of my mouth but couldn’t call them back, so they hung leaden in the air between us. A multitude of emotions flowed beneath Allison’s ebony eyes, and then her expression went cool. She turned to the door.
I grabbed her arm, borderline desperate. She and I had somehow managed to reach a fragile truce over the last couple of days. Hell, we’d even found a way to get along and have some fun, overlooking the specter of the past that would always be between us. And I was threatening to fuck that up with my thoughtlessness. What’d happened with Lucia hadn’t been anyone’s fault but my own and was a completely separate issue from my history with Allison. I’d do well to remember that and think before I spoke.
“Hey,” I said, my voice soft. Past conversations flickered through my mind, and I was grateful she hadn’t shaken off my grip, a move she’d been famous for once upon a time. “I’m sorry.”
Allison turned back to face me and looked into my eyes. Frustration marred her features for a fraction of a second, and something akin to panic grated harshly against the back of my throat.
“Look, can we forget I said anything? Please?” My clumsy words were ineloquent, as they always were whenever I spoke to her about anything important.
The silence grew as we stared at one another, and a feeling of dread trickled slowly down my esophagus and dripped icily onto the organs below. Finally, much to my relief, she spoke. “You’re a jerk.”
I nodded, and my insides started to slowly warm again. Whenever she said that, I knew she’d pretty much forgiven me. “I know.” I flashed her a tentative grin. “But you love me anyway.”
Allison didn’t return my smile. Her expression was solemn for the instant she continued to regard me before she turned around. With her back to me I almost missed her quiet reply, which I suspect was the point.
“I know.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Much like the day before, Allison and I had way too much to do to let something as silly as a few thoughtless words mar the entire day. Before I knew it, it was after nine o’clock, and we were sitting in my office putting together our books for the motorcade, quizzing one another over the details of the visit to make sure we hadn’t forgotten anything.
“The motorcade security guys are all settled?” Allison asked. She looked up at me from her place behind my desk.
“Yup. No worries. They’re set until we pick up the cars in the morning.”
“Cars are going to get gassed and washed?”
“All taken care of.”
“Security sweeps start at what time?”
“Oh-six-thirty for the cars. They start earlier than that for the sites themselves.” I consulted my notes. “Um…It’s looking like oh-four-hundred for the Stock Exchange, oh-five-thirty for the LZ, and I think they said they wanted to start sweeping the airport at oh-four-hundred, as well. I’d have to talk to the site guy to be sure. Drivers are arriving at oh-six-hundred. Wheels down is scheduled for ten-hundred hours.”
“So we should leave at maybe five to go out to the airport. I’d like to be there well before the motorcade sweep.”
“You’re the boss.”
Allison made a face at me, shook her head, and handed me a completed book to add to the pile. I took it without a word and immediately went back to compiling the packets of paperwork each site agent needed to have. I was relieved to be almost finished. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. The two days of no sleep had caught up to me, and I wanted nothing more than to go home, cry for a bit, and then crash. I quickly did the math in my head. If we left by ten, I could drop Allison off at her hotel and be in bed and hopefully asleep a little after eleven, which would give me a solid four and a half hours of rest. I sighed longingly.
“What?” Allison wanted to know.
“Nothing. Just ready for bed.”
“Well, the books are done. Jamie and Robert should be stopping by here to pick up the surveys for their respective sites any minute. Don has his already?”
“Yeah, he picked them up when you went downstairs to grab dinner. He has the earliest report time, so he wanted to try to get some sleep.”
“I’m going to run to the bathroom real quick. That way we can get out of here the second they’re gone.”
I nodded absently. “Sure.”
My mind was reeling as I pushed thoughts of Lucia from it for what had to be the hundredth time that day and again ran through the long list of issues I needed to be concerned about for the next fifteen hours. I yawned as I bundled the surveys into piles by their respective sites and read over my notes once more. I always had the lingering feeling I was forgetting something whenever I did an advance. As a result, I had a probably annoying habit of going over my paperwork repeatedly, scouring my notes as I both dreaded and hoped something would jump out at me as a glaring omission.
I was incredibly focused on my task, which was perhaps why I didn’t realize Allison had returned until I felt her cold, wet fingers lift the curtain of my hair and stroke the skin just above my shirt collar.
; Startled, I whipped my head around and winced as an electric zing shot up the right side of my neck. Allison was standing almost directly behind me wearing a strange half smile. Her hair was free and tumbling down over her shoulders. Her expression stopped me cold.
“Feel better?” I somehow managed to utter after what felt like an eternity of staring at her.
Allison nodded and took a step closer, which forced me to turn a little more in my chair to maintain eye contact with her. Her smile widened, and she placed her hands on my shoulders, gently turning me so I was once again facing my desk. My eyes fell on the notes I’d been rereading, but I didn’t actually see them. I was too distracted by Allison’s touch, which’d caused my insides to turn somersaults and goose bumps to break out all over my body.
“You just hurt your neck, didn’t you?” Allison asked me. Her voice was low and had a surprisingly borderline-intimate tone that made my head spin with a mixture of desire and confusion. When her strong fingers began gently kneading the area in question, I had to force myself not to whimper.
Instead, I settled on a slight shrug. “It’s fine.” I might’ve felt a twinge in my neck just now, but the feelings she was currently invoking in me completely overshadowed that discomfort. Completely.
Allison hummed and continued running the pads of her thumbs up and down the column of my neck. She was standing as close to me as she could get, her hips pressed against the back of the chair in which I sat.
I let slip a small sigh of contentment, and my eyes fluttered closed as Allison broadened her explorations to include my shoulders. It was a strange experience, having one form of tension being coaxed from me while becoming slave to another. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, so I attempted to think nothing at all. Want to guess how well that worked?
“How’s it coming?” Allison leaned closer, and I could feel the barest brush of her breasts against the back of my head.
I held my breath for a moment as her words slowly penetrated the fog enveloping my brain. Coming? Almost. Wait, what? Oh. She was talking about the surveys. Right. Work. I chastised myself for being so easily distracted, but my efforts were halfhearted. “Uh…Good. I’m done. See?” I held a packet of surveys up where she could see it.
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