by JD Nixon
“Go,” he instructed the driver.
That was it for me. I’d lost control of the situation and would have to rely on sheer dumb luck to help me out.
We drove for five confusing minutes, the driver circling and u-turning in his track. I wasn’t sure if that was to throw off any non-existent tail or to make it impossible for me to replicate the path we’d gone.
“What do you want with me?” I asked, my voice muffled through the hand I used to stem the blood flow.
“We’re not interested in you. We’re interested in your boyfriend, the mysterious Heller.”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I instinctively lied. Lie, fabricate, deny, Heller had advised if ever being pumped for information I didn’t want to share. If necessary, he told me, even deny who you were. He should know about that trick – he’d been doing it for years.
“Don’t give us the runaround,” the guy said with weary menace. “We’ve heard it all before. We’ve done our own research and we know everything about you, including your stirring romance with that shit, Heller.”
I knew Heller ran comprehensive checks on people, but it was disconcerting to find that others did the same, especially when it was on me.
“We have a simple message we want you to deliver to him for us.”
“Deliver your own message.”
He grabbed my jaw in a vicious grip, crushing my already painful chin. “Listen, girlie. A simple message to deliver or your life. It’s your choice. What’s it to be?”
“The message,” I whispered, hating myself for giving in.
He released me. “Good. I like it when people see sense without me having to kneecap it into them. No point in dying over a message, is there?”
“What’s the message?”
“Tell him to leave us alone or we’ll kill you. Got it?”
“Yes. I’m hardly likely to forget that, am I?”
“Repeat it back to me.”
“I have to tell him to leave you alone or you’ll kill me.”
“Good girl.”
“Will he know who you are?”
He laughed, sounding amused. “Oh yeah, he’ll know.”
The car turned into a street and I realised that it was the street I lived on, but because we came from a direction I never travelled, I hadn’t recognised it.
The car idled, while the man in the back with me pushed me out of the door onto the road, throwing my handbag out after me. It hit me in the head, knocking me backwards to the road again. The car zoomed off, leaving me choking on its exhaust fumes.
Grazed and bleeding, I made it to shaky legs, staggering the short distance to the front door. As I opened it, Clive barged out of the security section, followed by a group of men, Sid storming down the stairs.
“Shit, Tilly, I saw it on the security camera,” he said.
Clive came up to me and I collapsed against him, no longer able to support myself. “They said they’d kill me,” I whispered into his shirt, smearing my blood all over him.
He and Sid led me up the stairs, which I could barely manage, my legs trembling so much. I couldn’t stop shaking, unsure if it was the particular menace of that man responsible for it, or a build up of everything that had happened to me recently.
Sid went to the kitchen and bathroom, bringing back an icepack for my nose and a damp washcloth to wipe away the blood.
Clive crouched in front of me, taking my hands in his. “Who were they, Tilly? Sid rang and told me a car stopped outside and threw you out onto the road.”
“I don’t know who they were. A man jammed a gun into my back and told me to get in their car or he’d shoot me dead in the street.” I pulled my hands from Clive’s to cover my eyes. “And I believed him. I really did. He meant it.”
“It’s okay, Tilly. You did the right thing if you felt threatened.”
“No, I didn’t! I got in the car. You’re never supposed to get in the car. I tried to escape from him, but he punched me in the face and shoved me in the backseat.”
“Bastard. What did they want?” asked Sid.
“They wanted me to deliver a message to Heller. They want him to leave them alone or they’ll kill me. They knew stuff about me. They knew I was at my mother’s house. They knew Heller is my boyfriend.” They exchanged a meaningful glance over the top of my head that I noticed.
“Could it be Kirnin or any of his men?” asked Clive.
“It didn’t look like Select Security. Kirnin’s not usually very subtle in his attacks.”
“What can you remember about them?”
“Nothing much. I didn’t see the car properly because it was parked in a dark spot between streetlights. And the men all wore balaclavas. I didn’t see their faces at all.”
“Accents?”
“No, though I only heard the guy with the gun speak.”
“Any distinguishing features?”
“No, I barely saw them and it was dark.”
“Do you want us to call the doctor?”
“No. I’m not bothering him again. The bleeding’s stopped now. I’ll take a painkiller and go to bed.” I stopped them before they reached my door. “Oh, can you send someone to bring my car home? It’s parked in front of my mother’s house. She’ll freak out if she wakes up tomorrow and finds it still there.”
“Will do,” Clive promised.
I tossed and turned for a while, the menace of that man’s simple words keeping me awake long past the demands of my tiredness levels.
Abandoning sleep, I made myself some warm milk and drank it at my small dining table without any enthusiasm. My jaw hurt and my lips were puffy and sore. Every mouthful was a trial.
I stared at the door as it rattled before opening. Only one person entered my flat without knocking, uncaring of what state of undress they might find me in.
Heller.
He looked wonderful, though tired, his clothes rumpled, his blond hair uncharacteristically tousled, as if he’d driven all night through. His eyes cut through a tan darker than normal with such startling blueness it seemed there couldn’t be a colour in the universe so bright. He’d been hurt in his recent adventures, older scars now healed, fresher ones still red.
He was so beautiful, but so distant.
Neither of us moved, staying in place as we eyed each other. I wondered what he saw when he gazed at me. I couldn’t possibly look as good to him as he looked to me, especially in my current state.
I broke the stalemate by carefully pushing back my chair and standing, leaning a hip against my dining table and crossing my arms. He closed the door and stood in front of it, on his face an expression of . . . intense longing?
“Matilda,” he said.
“You’ve been gone a long time.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” ‘Sorry’ just didn’t cut it for me. Not this time. “Aren’t you pleased to see me?”
“I would have been pleased to see you when I was sick, or when my father died, or when I was arrested and spent the night in the watch house, or when a man I don’t know punched me and forced me in his car,” I said, my voice rising in anger.
“I didn’t know about these things, Matilda.”
“I don’t believe you. You speak to Clive while you’re away, don’t you?” No response. “But you couldn’t even pick up the phone when I was at my lowest, my saddest, my sickest points in my life.”
“I’m sorry, my sweet.”
“You weren’t there for me. You’re never there for me.”
“I –”
“Do you know who was there for me during this awful time? Danny was there. Farrell was there. Corby was there. Sid and Clive were there.”
“Matilda –”
“But not you.”
“I’m sorry.” He stepped closer to me, but I didn’t move towards him. “You look so pale and thin still. I’d hoped to find you well again.”
“Like some magical cure you didn’t have to witness? Poor sick woman becomes fuckable again? Sorry, but this patheti
c excuse for a woman I am now is how life has left me lately.”
“Matilda.”
I pointed to the bruising on my nose and chin and the split in my lips. “This is a message to you from some of your friends. It seems you’ve annoyed them. If you ignore their message, the next time they said they’d kill me. Perhaps that might make their message a little clearer for you.”
His fists clenched, but his voice remained calm. “Matilda, you’re angry. I understand that. We need to talk about things.”
“No, we don’t. I’m done with talking. I’m done with thinking. In fact, I’m done with this relationship.”
“No, you don’t mean that.”
“Don’t make me beat myself up and throw myself out of a car to deliver my message. I’m done with you. You and me are no more.”
“No. You’re tired and over-emotional. I understand that. We will talk about this in the morning when we’re both refreshed.”
“I’m not over-emotional and there’s nothing to talk about, whether it’s tonight or tomorrow morning or next Tuesday. We’re finished, Heller.”
“We’ll talk tomorrow.”
He slipped through the door, closing it quietly behind him. Frustrated at what an arrogant prick he was, I threw my mug, wishing it was shattering on his face, not on my door.
Chapter 32
The next morning didn’t start very well. I’d wanted to be up and safely down in the security section, surrounded and protected by men so he couldn’t talk to me. It didn’t quite work that way.
He stepped through my front door as I stood at my dresser, looking in the mirror while I tied my hair back in a ponytail. He came into my bedroom as though he belonged there, dressed in his Heller’s uniform.
“We need to talk.”
“I don’t want to. I have nothing further to say on the matter.” I didn’t glance at him, worried my resolve would otherwise waver.
He didn’t give me that option, gently cupping my chin in his hand, mindful of my bruising, forcing me to meet his eyes. “We can talk this through, my sweet. I’m not letting you go over something like this.”
“It’s not just about you, Heller. I have a say in this relationship too.”
“Look into my eyes and tell me you don’t love me anymore.” I twisted my head away, trying to escape him, but he wouldn’t let me go. “Say it to me, Matilda.”
“Whether I love you or not is irrelevant. This is about the kind of relationship I want to be in. You’re happy to live like this forever. I’m not. Real relationships are more than just sex. There’s trust and companionship. Support. Togetherness. Building a life together. Love. My parents had all of this in their marriage and I want it too.”
“Matilda –”
“My parents had each other in their lives, but I don’t have you. I have sex with you, but that’s about all. You don’t share your life with me. My parents knew everything about each other, yet I don’t even know your real name.”
“Matilda, your thinking is being influenced by your father’s passing.”
“It’s not just that. It’s as if his death has been a catalyst for me to examine my own life. I don’t like how I’m living.”
“Matilda,” he said, tenderly stroking my cheek with his thumb. “I have told you many times that I care for you. And what about that necklace?”
I pulled away from his caress, though I desperately wanted more after missing his touch for so long. “What about it? A trinket with an enigmatic symbol on it that could mean anything I wanted it to. You can’t even be straightforward when you give me a gift.”
“It wasn’t meant like that.”
“And I don’t want to be the one who pays for you pissing off other people doing whatever it is you’re doing when you’re not here. It’s not fair I’m hurt because of something I don’t even know about.”
“Maybe we should –”
“I just want some normal in my life,” I said quietly.
His voice grew harsh. “Is this about another man? Is this about Farrell?”
“No! This is about you and me! This has nothing to do with any other man.”
“We can work it out.”
“No, we can’t. When you weren’t there for me, I stopped believing that you cared. I don’t know if I can ever get that faith in you back.”
“I’ve never stopped caring for you, Matilda. The one thing that kept me going through the nightmare I’ve just endured was the thought of coming home to you. Every day my first and last thoughts were of you.”
“How am I supposed to know any of that if you never tell me?”
“I need you in my life. You balance me in ways I can’t even describe.”
“You unbalance me. There’s too much violence, too much secrecy, too much control. Dad’s death has made me realise how fragile life is and how much we should value each day. I don’t want to risk my life anymore.”
“Can’t we just talk about this more before you decide, Matilda?” His voice took on a beseeching edge that I’d never heard before.
“I need you to back off for a while. My mind’s jumbled at the moment, but I’ve said what I want to say and at this stage, I’m not about to change my mind.” Sudden tears filled my eyes. “I’m sorry, Heller. I really love you, but I can’t be with you if it means I might be dead tomorrow. I feel as though I owe it to Dad to value my life more than that.”
I left him in my flat, staring after me, his face stricken.
My heart ripping apart, I ran down the stairs to the security section, needing the distraction of the surroundings to quell my emotional turmoil.
“You okay, Tilly?” asked Clive, examining my face closely. I should have splashed my face with water before I came down, not that it would have made much difference.
“Not really. But as you won’t give me any work, I thought that maybe seeing me in person might remind you that I’m still employed here.”
“Have you seen Heller yet?” he asked cautiously.
“Yes,” I replied abruptly. “Now what have you got for me? I hope you can find me something dull and decidedly harmless.” I tried to sound cheery and without a care in the world, fearing I failed miserably on both.
“Nothing much today, but tomorrow I have a boring detail at a shopping centre doing crowd control. It’s the opening of a new megastore selling clothes. They’re having a huge celebration and sale, so are expecting thousands to be there. But perhaps that’s just what you want right now?”
I nodded. That would do me fine. “Who’s on with me?”
“Farrell’s in charge, with Barnes and Nguyen making up the four of you.”
I was happy with that team – all guys with whom I was comfortable working. I went over to Farrell to get some instructions from him about what time we needed to be down here in the section tomorrow morning.
We chatted about that, our conversation moving inevitably to the fiery ‘death’ of Malefic. I longed to share what Brian had told me about the accident, but Brian had probably already broken a hundred rules to fill me in. I didn’t want to be responsible for him getting into any trouble, though confident I could trust Farrell to be discreet.
Farrell placed a friendly hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Bet you’re glad to see that creep meet his maker, whoever that was.” If only he knew that the spectre of Malefic, dead or alive, would probably haunt me forever.
When Heller entered the section, Farrell hastily removed his hand. The room resonated with a stream of “Welcome back, Boss” at his appearance, the men strangely pleased to see him back in the Warehouse running his business.
It didn’t matter that I’d ended it with Heller. For these guys I’d forever be ‘Heller’s woman’ for as long as I worked here. The only way for me to control their opinion was to leave. But the thought of uprooting my entire life, separating myself permanently from Daniel and Niq was inconceivable to me. I was caught in a bind – I needed to leave the Warehouse, but I needed to stay.
With nothi
ng to do until tomorrow, I spent the day reviewing Niq’s recent schoolwork, making him correct a couple of sloppy errors. I cooked dinner for him and Daniel, but when they decided to watch a couple of their favourite gory movies, I took myself up to the rooftop, needing some time to reflect on my decision.
I lay on one of the sunbeds, staring up at the starry endless sky. Heller and I hadn’t really been a couple for a long time, but he’d been such a dominant figure in my life, it would be hard for me to find another man to replace him. Especially when I still had such strong feelings for him. My short-term future wouldn’t include a new relationship with another man.
I didn’t exactly feel peaceful at my momentous resolution. It was easier to think of ending it with Heller when he wasn’t here, but seeing him every day, longing for his touch and missing him in my bed were going to sorely test my strength.
After a long time of contemplation, my thoughts chasing each other around with no ending in sight, I noticed how chilly it was, leaving the rooftop for bed.
I hadn’t bother to turned the light on when I’d come upstairs, not needing it, the moon shedding more than enough light to suit my brooding pensiveness.
I met Heller in the dark space at the top landing of the staircase, not alarmed or surprised by his presence. I realised he’d be surveilling me for some time to come, trying to discover if I had a new lover. He’d quickly become a very bored man doing that. I tried to slip past him, not looking at or speaking to him. He stopped me with a gentle hand on my arm.
“Matilda, please don’t shun me in my own home.”
“I’m sorry. I thought it might make it easier for both of us.”
“Nothing will make this easier,” he said quietly. “Are you planning on leaving here?”
“No. Do you want me to?”
“Of course I don’t.”
“Thank you. I’ll pay rent and I’ll pay for the use of the car.”
“Stop it. I don’t want you to be so aloof with me.” His fingers caressed my arm softly. I pulled it away, finding his touch unbearably tempting. “Can we just talk some more?”