by Kira Adams
I was avoiding her because I hated the awkwardness of confrontation. But her countless phone calls and messages were wearing on me, making me feel guilty each and every time I pressed ignore to her calls.
The longer the week dragged on the more tired I became; spreading my time thin between clients, nightcaps, and drinking. The one thing I had been terrified of happening…was already in play; I liked Madalynne Johnson more than a friend, and it was either going to be the best thing in the world for me, or the worst.
Parker
It was a rainy Sunday in Fort Benning that dreadfully humid July afternoon. I had been in Basic training for over a month. The first two weeks had been absolute hell on me. Of all the things I had envisioned it would be like, I was sorely mistaken.
The first week I was dropped and asked to give twenty and screamed at every time I made the mistake of calling my drill sergeants “Sir”. I didn’t pass my initial PT test, and was sent to “Fat Camp”. And then there’s the saying, “hurry up and wait,” and boy did they adhere to that. We did more sitting on our asses than anything else.
The good news was that I had managed to make a couple of decent friends who made the time more bearable. There was Forrest Cunningham, a tall, black haired, brown eyed guy with more tattoos than I had ever laid eyes on in my life. He was from Albany, New York and he did speak a tad quicker than most. I had learned that in high school he played bass guitar in a punk-rock band. His lifestyle was so completely opposite of mine, it actually intrigued me. We became fast friends.
And then there was Oakley Simpson, a black-haired, hazel-eyed, African-American. He was seven years my senior, and wise beyond his years. Very soft spoken, but he could always get his point across. He might not have looked at me as a friend, but he was the closest thing to it I had there, besides Forrest.
In my down time I wrote letters, lots of letters, to Madalynne, to Jacqueline, to my parents. It had been a few weeks since I had sent my initial letter to Maddy in Hawaii and I still hadn’t heard anything, it was driving me nuts. Not knowing what she was doing there, if she was still in love with me…some days I begged for the ass beatings I got handed from my drill sergeants. It took my mind off of her, if just for a moment.
I was sitting on my bed opening the one letter I had received since I had arrived at basic. It was from Jacqueline. I hurriedly ripped it open, excited to finally hear from someone, anyone I cared about. She wrote,
“Dear Parker,
I was pleasantly surprised to receive your letter in the mail the other day! I’ve been meaning to write you back, life just got in the way, know what I mean? And then, I checked the mail again and there was another letter from you! I feel terrible that I put it off that long! I’ve been missing chatting with you at night and you helping me keep my mind off of my insomnia! I’m sorry to hear about your tough initial weeks at basic, but am glad to hear it sounds like you are doing better. You didn’t mention much about the other guys in your unit, what are they like? Tell me all about them! Well, just in case you were wondering, everything is beautiful here in Montana; Just been working at the stables, as usual. Well it’s a beautiful day and I intend to enjoy it outside, hope I hear back from you soon.
Yours truly, Jacqueline”
I smiled lightly as I folded the letter back up and slipped it back into the white envelope.
“What’s got you so happy?” Forrest asked as he walked in the room.
“Oh, nothing,” I played it off. “You got a cig?”
Forrest did a double-take. “We’ve been here for almost five weeks, and I’ve never seen you smoke a cigarette.”
“Yeah, well, I just want one, you coming?” I hollered over my shoulder as I headed outside.
Forrest and I made our way out of the building and out to the permitted smoking area.
Unfortunately, because it had been raining, no one was out there. I wasn’t afraid of a little rain, and by the looks of Forrest, I assumed he wasn’t either. He lit up a Turkish Silver and handed it to me. “Here ya go man.” He proceeded to light his own.
This wasn’t my first time smoking a cigarette; throughout my high school years I had tried a few at parties and the like. Luckily for me it wasn’t appealing in the long term sense, only in the stress or drunken sense.
I was feeling conflicted about my letter. I had written countless letters, and the one person I wanted to hear from, the one person I loved more than anything in this world, had sent nothing in response. Yet, here I was with a letter from another female whom I cared very deeply for and whom I considered also one of my best friends. Someone I had never even met in person, and yet, she made the time to write me back. My imagination was running wild.
“Tough day?” Forrest broke me out of my thoughts.
“Try tough life.” I chuckled lightly, before taking another swig off of my camel.
“I know how that goes.” Forrest raised his eyebrows in an animated fashion. “Let me guess, girl trouble?”
“Am I that transparent?”
“No.” He laughed light heartedly. “Have you bothered to talk to anyone else here other than me or Oakley?”
“Not really, why?” I asked, quizzically.
“Well if you took the time out to actually get to know them, you would find out most of them, if not all of them, are like you. They are all having girl trouble. That’s what being apart does to a relationship; it creates doubt, worry, and confusion. You could learn a lot from these guys Parker. You don’t have much time left here at basic, but then there will be AIT and possibly a deployment. These are the guys you are going to be spending every waking moment with. It might be beneficial for you to try to get to know them. And besides, I know they will have some great advice for you on your girl trouble.”
I had never thought about it like that. Forrest was right about two things; being apart did create worry and doubt and that’s probably all it was between Madalynne and me. I was probably overreacting and she was just taking time to herself in Hawaii and when I got done with basic, everything would go back to normal.
Secondly, I had been so consumed in Madalynne, and recently even a little bit in Jacqueline that I hadn’t spent any of my down time getting to know my peers. I knew of them, but I didn’t know names, and only some faces. “These guys are going to end up being my family,” I exclaimed, with understanding.
Forrest nodded. “And it’s a family that will have your back for life.”
I put my cigarette out on the bottom of my boot and then stuffed it in the pocket of my cargo pants, making a mental note to throw it in the trash when we got inside. “Well, I’ve got to admit that does sound pretty fantastic.”
Forrest threw his arm around my neck playfully. “I always wanted a younger brother!” he exclaimed as we walked back inside to our rooms.
* * *
It didn’t take Madalynne long to calm my nerves. A few days after I had received my first letter from Jacqueline, I received the first of many to come from Madalynne. Her first letter seemed hesitant; different. I knew her like the back of my hand. Even in writing I could tell what kind of mood she was in, what kind of clues she might leave in the letter.
As the letters continued to arrive though, I began to believe in us again. I began to see the love she had for me surface again. It was prominent and apparent in all of her letters from then on. However, the one question she had been avoiding answering in all of her letters was if she would be back from Hawaii when I got back from Basic. She had been beating around the bush.
Going to visit her in Hawaii was no problem for me. But I wanted to know with full certainty that she was going to be coming back to Oregon with me. It was a certainty I would never be able to obtain. It became apparent after a couple of weeks that Madalynne had ceased writing me. I didn’t know what had changed, it worried me beyond belief.
The thought that Madalynne may be spending her time with another consumed me. It made me sick to my stomach. But Jacqueline kept me grounded, and in those f
inal weeks of Basic, I found myself longing to be around her in the physical sense. So, with no word from Madalynne and no looking back, I booked a plane ticket to Montana…
Twenty Six – Passion Ignited
Madalynne
It had been a week since my kiss mishap with Lee. I had been calling him every day, sometimes multiple times, but he was clearly avoiding me. He didn’t return any of my phone calls and after a couple of days of this treatment, I visited all of the normal hang-outs we had frequented over the past couple of weeks. But Lee had vanished.
I was too nervous to go to his house for the possibility of him turning me away, but I couldn’t stand it any longer. Being in this city, without having anyone to talk to, to rely on, was killing me. I had still not gotten a letter back from Parker since my reply, so I felt terribly alone.
I missed Lee’s laugh, his smile, his smell. I had been sleeping in one of his oversized shirts, one he had loaned me after a day at the beach, a couple of weeks back. I had been lying to myself, trying not to admit it, but there was no avoiding it any longer, I, Madalynne, half of Madalynne & Parker, was falling head over heels in love with Lee. And I was still as in love with Parker Grant as I could ever be. The answer was staring me in the face; I was in love with two men…not a predicament I would ever wish upon anyone.
Walking up to Lee’s door I found myself shaking, what if he slammed it in my face? What if he wouldn’t hear me out? Right as I was about to knock, I found myself frozen. Doing this could mean the end of Parker and me forever. Was I willing to risk it all? I didn’t know. I was torn. Before I could process a clear thought, I was running, as far away from Lee, and Parker, and everything. I ran until my legs couldn’t run any further, and I found myself at the beach, the sun was setting, and it was low tide. I fell to the sand, defeated.
What are you doing Madalynne? I asked myself, even though I knew the answer was not as simple. I wasn’t willing to give Parker up, but I wanted to explore the idea of Lee and me. I wanted to be able to make a decision on what, or rather, who was best for me.
What terrified me? The thought that neither of the men I had come to love with every inch of my being would be willing to help me find this out. That neither of them would understand that I needed time to figure all of this out.
I sat in that exact spot for what felt like hours. The sun set, and eventually, disappeared entirely and the sky filled with stars. I don’t know what I was hoping I would get by sitting there, looking into the never-ending sky, a sign maybe? And then, I heard it, clear as day.
“Oh come on, you’ve never skinny-dipped before? Well, there is a first time for everything.” My heart stopped; it was Lee. He was stumbling onto the beach with a bottle of whiskey in his hand, and a tall blonde attached to his hip.
“What if it’s cold?” the blond responded.
“Well that’s why they call it body heat.” Lee kissed her sloppily before taking another swig off the bottle.
My heart was in my stomach. I was head over heels for him? Someone who obviously could imagine life without me, and was living it, right there, in front of me. My heart felt like it was being squeezed to death.
They hadn’t spotted me yet, but it was a matter of seconds before they would be walking right by me. I hurriedly stood up as I saw them begin to undress. I could not stand to watch this, I was furious. “Hey asshole,” I barked at him. They stopped undressing as they caught a glimpse of me walking up to them.
“Maddy?” Lee squinted trying to make me out in the darkness. He was caught with a slap right across the face. “What was that for?” he asked reaching up to massage his cheek where my handprint was still red.
“Fuck you,” I hissed, with tears streaming down my face. “I hate you!” I screamed, punching him aimlessly, until he finally got a hold of my wrists and stopped me in my tracks.
“Dude, she’s psycho. I’m outta here,” I heard the blond shout as she stumbled her way back up the beach.
“Take him with you, he’s yours!” I barked after her. “What is wrong with you?” Lee screamed, more as an explanation, than a question.
I wriggled out of his grip and huffily began walking the same way the blond had. “You know what’s wrong with me,” I muttered under my breath as I turned my back to him and continued walking.
Lee dropped the bottle and quickly was in front of me, stopping me from continuing on. “Get out of my way!” I growled, trying to push him away, with no avail.
“What the hell Madalynne? We’re not together, and you have a boyfriend, have you forgotten that? You’re really a piece of work, you know that?” Lee sighed. “What do you want from me?”
“I don’t know what I want! When I boarded that plane, I wanted Parker. But he was leaving me voluntarily. And then you sit down next to me, and suddenly I realize I’m in trouble. I miss you Lee…I miss being with you. I miss everything about you…I don’t know how to be without you.” I looked into his eyes for some affirmation that he too, felt the same way.
“Parker? So that’s the name of your unfinished business, huh? Well what would Parker think about this? Don’t you worry about his feelings?” Lee couldn’t even look me in the eyes; I could tell he was hurt, just by the mention of Parker.
“I don’t know,” I replied, with a sigh.
“You don’t know?” Lee reiterated, upset.
I hadn’t anticipated any of this. And chasing someone who wasn’t fully into me was new territory. Especially when he was right, what would Parker think? He would be crushed, devastated. I never thought of the possibility of not choosing Parker.
But suddenly, I couldn’t stop secretly tracing his lips with my eyes, over and over again. I licked my lips eagerly, trying to cool myself down. But I soon realized--I couldn’t stop myself. My lips were on his quicker than I could process a thought to stop. And surprisingly, he was kissing me back, hungrily. I could taste the whiskey on him, but I didn’t care. I had missed him so much; I didn’t want to miss a beat. I ran my hands through his hair, pulling it ever so lightly, and biting his bottom lip in between kisses. My heart was racing, electric volts shooting up and down my spine. I broke the kiss, breathless. “Do you believe in chemistry now?”
His eyes sparkled when he heard this. He replied by kissing me again and again. I knew I had changed his mind, and I wanted to change his heart.
* * *
We were inseparable, for the next few weeks. And even though my love was growing more and more for him every day, my mind still found time to think of Parker. We had been exchanging letters for more than a month and a half. And I knew, because of his countdowns, there was exactly twenty six days left until he returned home.
The question that kept nagging me, and I kept avoiding, was would I be there when he got off the plane? I didn’t tell him about Lee. I didn’t want to make his time any harder than it already was. But I began to get antsy. I spent every waking moment with Lee to keep my mind off of Parker. But when I was home, I lost myself in Parker’s letters. Dreaming of the day I got to feel his arms around me again, his lips on mine; I knew I was fucked.
Lee and I had been avoiding going too far, for fear that it would only complicate things, but it was inevitable. Every time we saw each other we couldn’t keep our hands off one another. We tried to be strong, but the longing I felt to be with him, in every sense of the word, was too much to bear. Just his breath on my bare skin excited me beyond words.
It was the weekend and Lee was off from work, so we had decided to cook dinner together. We decided to make spaghetti, original, I know. We were having a blast throwing the noodles on the wall to see if they stuck, a trick my mom had taught me.
I wasn’t expecting it when Lee attacked me with his lips. The thrill of the chase was over. I knew I had reeled him in--hook, line, and sinker. Ever since the day on the beach, it had changed, he had changed. He stopped pushing me away and instead just went with the flow for once.
His kisses were so different from Parker’s. I always fe
lt like he was in charge. And then he kissed the nape of my neck, my special spot, and I knew, this time, for the first time, I was not going to be able to stop him. He looked up at me confused, when I didn’t push him away like I always did. “Mad--”