Blind Trust

by Peiri Ann

  “It’s not what you think.” Rick said.

  “What do I think?” I asked.

  “You think I work for Melor, probably because of something Cohen told you. Cohen doesn’t know shit. They only know what the rest of us make them believe.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  “It means, what you think you know, you only know it because we want you to.”

  “Who is we?”

  “The rest of the world,” he stated cynically, laughing.

  I looked at Kyle, feeling like there was some big secret I was left out of. “What?”

  “Cohen is supposed to be partial CIA. The CIA is supposed to know everything. The only reason they know everything is because of the information that’s provided to them. They can’t know absolutely everything. And if they did, half the illegal shit that goes on in the world wouldn’t. It’s like they know fucked-up shit is happening but refuse to put a stop to it. So Cohen, your ex-agency, is supposed to step in and cover up tracks. Like taking out Cunningham and me, for example. Like you told me, he was helping cut out the pawns because they were helping keep the king safe. The CIA wants the king safe, so they’re the knights, the bishop, the rooks, and the queen. They protect the king with people like Rick.”

  “So you’re saying Rick is the CIA.”

  “I don’t work directly with any agency. I’m not a good guy or a bad guy. I am an informant for Melor, yes. And I do enough work for him to keep the heat off me because we’re trying to shut him down.”

  “Who is we?” …again.

  “He can’t tell us. Apparently we aren’t important enough to know,” Kyle answered with animosity.

  “So as an informant for him, what do you do?”

  “I inform. When his ground men aren’t doing their jobs correctly, when the money comes up short, when people are out to kill him. That kind of thing.”

  “I need to know about my sister. Can you help me find her?”

  “I know where she is. I know who she’s with. I also know she wants to be there. She wasn’t kidnapped. Anna works with Roger. They both work for Melor. Anna is Melor’s inside girl. He puts her out in the streets to see what the talk is. To see what the people want. She helps Roger convince some of those girls he tracks to go with them. Not often, but when required to she does. Anna is a little wild. That night, when she and Roger got into it, Anna told him she wanted out. They had Anna testing drugs. This was new for her and it was fucking with her head. She started using. They didn’t stop using her to test the new product, though. Melor loves her like a daughter. When he found out things were getting a little hard for her, he offered to give her some time off. Roger is a jealous-hearted bitch. He got pissed and took his anger out on her when Anna told him she was coming home to see her brother. Long story short, it was time for her to go back. Melor called for her, and she’s on her way to him now.”

  “Where is he?” I asked.

  “Kyle, don’t take this the wrong way. But I have a job to do.”

  “It’s fine. Do your job. I can drop you off somewhere or you can come to the house.”

  What the hell, Kyle? Why was he letting him off this easy? Why wasn’t he concerned about this job that Rick had to do? Kyle wasn’t asking questions, he wasn’t trying to figure out what was going on. Nothing.

  We’d started off on a task to find Anna. Now that Anna wasn’t kidnapped but had left freely, I didn’t know what our next move was. I didn’t know what Kyle was thinking. I did know my body was beginning to hurt and I wanted to sleep, long and hard.

  I lay back against the seat. “Kyle, we need to talk,” I said, growing drowsy.

  “We will, Spirit,” he assured, rubbing my shoulder.

  Kyle had dropped Rick off before we went to Kyle’s house. He helped me to the bed. I didn’t need his help because my legs worked fine; they didn’t hurt. But I liked leaning on him and feeling his arms around me.

  “Here, lie down.” He pulled the covers back and I sat and then lay down. “There. Better?”

  I sank into his bed. It smelled so good and was even more comfortable. “Yes.”

  He knelt beside the bed and grabbed my hand. “Good.” He kissed it. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

  “I thought I was going to die.”

  “I know. You scared the shit out of me.”

  “It hurt.”

  “Me too.” He leaned over and offered me a kiss. “Me too…” Looking into his eyes, I saw something in them. I’d call it love, but he never said that. Maybe it was admiration. “Oh…” He leaned back and pulled a needle and vial from his pocket. “Got you a painkiller. Take the edge off.” He fixed it up and stuck me in my arm. “Heavy aspirin.”

  “Good thinking.”

  “I got something else for you.”

  I closed my eyes, leaning my head back further into the pillow, feeling the pain from my chest and stomach lift away.

  My jeans were pulled down. “I hope you don’t taste like medicine.”

  “Oh, shit…” I said under my breath. “You’re—”

  “Shh, you’ll be fine.” My panties slipped from my feet. He lifted my knees and his shoulders brushed the backs of my thighs. His warm breaths danced over me as he drew closer. My breaths shuddered and my legs shook. “Steady breaths, Spirit.”

  “Kyle, that’s easy for you to say.” I tried breathing steadily, but my breath got stuck in my throat when I felt his lips touch mine. “Oh my God, Kyle,” I whispered, clutching the sheets under me in my hands.

  The tip of his tongue slid between my folds downward over my pearl, down to my core. It dipped inside and slid out. “No, you don’t taste like medicine.”

  I tried not to cringe my stomach, bum rushed by the instantaneous shocks surging through my body. “Damn Kyle.” I threw my hands over my eyes. “Why now?” I wanted it so badly, but knew I couldn’t take it.

  “Get well soon, Spirit, I want to give you more.” The full of his tongue slid over me before his lips wrapped around my pearl. He’s teasing me, knowing I can’t enjoy it. “Look.”

  I lifted my hands as if they served as the brim of a cap. I peeked down at him through my lashes, catching the light glisten on his lips. “What?”

  “You taste delicious.”

  I pulled my hands back down, face burning from blushing. “You’ve proven that. Thank you.”

  He laughed, moving from between my legs. He pulled the thick covers over me. “Enjoy your pain relievers, Spirit. I’ll check on you later.”

  “God, Kyle. You are grade A perfection,” I mumbled, pulling a pillow over my head.

  I woke and lay in the bed, listening to Kyle talk on the phone. I assumed he was talking to Purcell or Nixon, planning the assignment they had for the takedown of Melor. I was nervous about Kyle taking on that assignment and working with Purcell. Something didn’t sit right with me about it, but I didn’t have anything to convince him not to go.

  “You sure you want to go out there?” Janet asked as she, Rick, and I left my mother’s house.

  “No, I’m not sure. But I’m going. Make sure you take these clothes to the hospital today. Tell my mom I said I’ll be up there to see her soon. Rick and I are going to head to his place.” Mom had been admitted into the hospital two weeks ago. As I was in the hospital with Spirit getting her stitches out, Nixon was bringing in my mom. Janet and I had been taking turns sleeping up there with her. She’s been doing well, but the doctors wanted to keep a closer eye on her. I was hoping she could get out in time for us to leave.

  “You’re on your way back home after you leave there?”

  “Yes,” I answered Janet, as Rick and I got in the car.

  “Well… tell Val I said hi,” she said irritably and headed to her car.

  I let her go.

  “What’s her problem?” Rick asked.

  “I don’t know when Janet is just being a bitch or actually cool. When we’re in front of Val, everything is okay. She and Val are the best of friends. But
when I mention anything about my house, all of a sudden she takes a turn down to Bitchville.”

  “She’s probably jealous,” he mentioned, letting down his window.

  “You ever settle things with Barb? I don’t want to talk about Janet.”

  “Me either. Barb blew me off. I thought I loved her, but it’s easy for me to get over her. Thanks to you and your excellence.” He slapped my arm. “How are things with Val?”

  I drove to Rick’s new house. I promised I’d help him move in and organize all his stuff. “Good. I guess.” I turned down the corners of my mouth.

  “Headache-causing conversation?”

  “No, not really. She takes patience. I don’t know if she purposefully tries to be a bitch sometimes or if it’s just her… but she rips my mind apart. And sometimes she’s mean by accident. But I can battle it.” Spirit had been up and down. At least people had stopped following her around. She was alive, she was healed, and she was trying to be human. But it wasn’t easy—she had these depression spells.

  “Until she kills you.”

  “We’re going to hope she’s over that.”

  “Val loves you. But she doesn’t know how to love.”

  “I know. And you can’t tell someone how to love. You have to show them. And I intend to show her. I am showing her… I think. But when she says, ‘Believe in you, Kyle? You don’t even love me,’ I fall back and leave her alone.”

  “Aw, you’re afraid to love Val.”

  I turned up the radio, ignoring him. I didn’t know exactly what my feelings were for Val. Maybe I was afraid to love her, scared she’d turn on me. Being honest with myself, I cared deeply for her, and I meant to love her… I just… didn’t.

  I sat at Rick’s house texting Val, but she wouldn’t respond. Two hours had passed and she wasn’t answering her phone or responding to my texts. She was probably secluding herself from the world. I hated it when she did that.

  “Rick, I have to go make sure Spirit is alive. She’s not answering my calls.”

  “Alright. Keep me updated about your mom.”

  “Got it.”

  I drove to my house, concerned as to why Spirit was ignoring my calls. Every possible fucked-up situation played through my head. Had she just sent me a I’m okay, Kyle. Leave me alone. I wouldn’t have been rushing home, worrying. At least I would’ve known she was alive. But she gave me nothing.

  I parked in the front and rushed in, up the stairs to my floor.

  “Spirit,” I called, closing the door. I heard her crying from the hallway. When I turned the knob, her cries softened. “Spirit,” I called softer, walking to the bathroom. She was lying on the floor, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a towel in the other.

  I bent down beside her and tried to take the bottle away. “No, Kyle. Leave me alone.”

  “Spirit, let the bottle go. Whatever answers you’re looking for is not inside of this bottle. I guarantee you.” I wrenched the bottle from her hand and upended it in the sink.

  She shoved my hands away as I reached for her again. “Kyle, just leave me alone and let me cry by myself.”

  “No, Spirit.” I grabbed her towel and wiped her face. “Come on, Spirit. Get off the floor. Come talk to me. Tell me what happened.”

  She cried harder.

  I picked her up from the floor and carried her to the living room. I sat and laid her over my lap, leaning her head on my shoulder. “Take your moment, Spirit,” I soothed, rubbing her head.

  When her sobs turned to whimpers, she whispered, “I am a bad person, Kyle. I miss my parents. They died not knowing I’m a bad person. I’m selfish, and I’m here sucking up all your oxygen in your house.” She threw her hands out. “Everyone wants to kill me and I’m so damn reliant upon you. That’s worse… and with all of that, I have no way of fixing it. I am built on cracked eggshells. Okay? I’m filled with those little balls of Styrofoam. Ready to break or explode all over your living room and leave you to clean me up. I’ve never had a life, I don’t know how to… live. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t love myself, Kyle… How can I love you? Stop before we start. I’m not worth it. Just turn me away, give up on me, let me out,” she sobbed. “I’m worsening the life you already live. It’s my entire fault, Kyle. I did this.” She rambled on, slurring, crying, and quietly repeating, “Let me out.” I couldn’t say what that meant.

  I grabbed her towel and wiped her nose. “Sleep it off, Val. And when you wake up, we’ll go to the bookstore and buy you a book that you can read to me. That should help you feel better.”

  “I don’t want to read,” she said angrily. “I want to drink and you poured my bottle down the damn drain.”

  “Spirit.” I looked into red eyes, wiping her tears away. “Before you started on that bottle, I’m sure you were feeling a hell of a lot better than you’re feeling right now. Alcohol is going to make whatever you have going on worse. Believe me.”

  “Shut up, Kyle.”

  “Fine, Spirit. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

  “You don’t have to be,” she slurred. “You can leave me alone. I don’t need you.” She tried to push me, but she was too drunk to put forth much effort. Falling against my chest, she mumbled a slur of words I couldn’t make out.

  “Okay, Spirit.” I grabbed the remote without disturbing her. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

  Her cries soon turned into soft snores and I watched her while she slept. I was going to have to hide the alcohol in the house. And before I left for Berlin, we were going to have nightly talks so whatever she felt was bothering her, she could get off her chest before turning to getting drunk.

  Her sadness was evident in her sleeping face. I held her tight, wishing I could suck up her misery. This was one of her spells. It happened sometimes… not often. But it was enough seeing her like this to take a small toll on me, and I wanted to be here and do whatever I could to fix it.

  “Hey, Spirit! What about this one? Charming’s Lost Damsel. Looks pretty good.”

  I wasn’t in the best of moods, suffering from a headache. But Kyle had insisted on going to the bookstore. I’ll admit, there is nothing like shopping for a good book. And seeing him smile, searching the shelves for a book he thought I’d like, made me feel a little better.

  I missed my parents. I felt like I was using Kyle because I woke up and went to sleep in his house and I felt like I didn’t belong there. Not because Kyle pushed me away, but because it felt awkward, living with someone and not being obligated to pay for anything, clean anything, or cook dinner. And Kyle didn’t complain. I felt like a freeloader. Not to mention he was pulling strings to keep my name off benefactor’s lists. And three months later, I was still alive. I owed him something. I hated feeling like I owed someone something because I knew they were going to come back for whatever it was when I least expected it.

  In spite of myself, I smiled, taking the book from him. “Charming’s Lost Damsel,” I read the book’s title. The cover was of a princess with a big blue dress, and a man who looked far from a prince. He had on baggy jeans, tattoos, and shaggy hair, and the way he was holding her was less than charming. But that’s what made me want to crack it open. “Okay.”

  “Good, let’s buy it and head to the café so you can read it to me.”

  I lay across Kyle, reading aloud. I didn’t know if he was into it or if he was just making me think he was. But he asked me to repeat certain parts, requested I match the voice of a couple of the characters and reenact a kissing scene between the princess and the gangster. We were enjoying ourselves. He had relived me of my sadness and I was grateful for that.

  “So he dressed in a suit he was ashamed of, to attend her ball that he wasn’t going to stick around for?” Kyle asked after I finished a chapter.

  “Maybe he wanted to grab her attention.”

  “And he did. That’s why she chased after him.”

  “Right.”

  “Chased after him saying, ‘I love you so much that no one can u
nderstand our love’.”

  I closed the book, holding my spot with my finger between the pages. “You don’t understand that?” I asked, sitting up.

  “No, I understand it. A love that doesn’t make sense to the rest of the world. The type of relationship that draws questions. A love that earns looks of confusion or disgust. That’s why the author made a princess fall in love with a gangster. How not possible is that? You don’t hear that stuff happening in real life. But that’s not the point. The point is—”

  “That there is no preference in love.”

  “Depends on how you’re loving.”

  “Apparently,” I stated, lying back across him. “They are loving in spite of the other person.”

  He took the book from me, opening it where I’d saved my spot.

  She gazes at me with elegance, and I am the furthest from it. But in the way she observes me, I can see that she is oblivious. Who I am, where I’ve been… my flaws… my poor quality… the single fact that living is undeserving… these are not concerns of hers. We have the ballroom to ourselves and she knows the King and Queen would hit the roof if they saw me in here. But we don’t care. She crosses the marble floor to me, walking on her tiptoes. “Brent,” she calls. “I want to become yours before the light of day takes over the sky.” I’ve been waiting for her to say those words since the day I saw her lying in the grass near the castle.

  “Spirit, all he wants to do is bone.” Kyle started flipping through the pages, skipping to the last few.

  I snatched the book. “Don’t, that’s cheating. Don’t skip ahead. You’ll spoil the book for yourself.”

  He snatched the book back and pushed me to lie back down. “Shh, it’s my turn.” He opened the book and read.

  I say to her, “Sonia… I’ll have to marry you to do that.”

  “Then marry me,” she orders.

  “Marry me,” I request.

  “I do,” she vows. “Lift me from the ground and carry me to the garden.”

  I carry her, lay her in the flowers, remove her garments—