"It wasn't because of you. It was because of me. It wasn't your fault. You didn't know."
"It doesn't fucking matter. Don't you get that? I'll still always feel like it was my fault. I was supposed to take care of you. Make sure you're safe. Make sure you don't get hurt."
"Austin, it wasn't your job to do that. You were training me, but you're not really a trainer. You don't even work there."
"It's not about me being your trainer. I still have to do those things. Taking care of you? Making sure you're safe? It's what you do when you love—"
Shit. I didn't mean to say that.
She's looking at me, her eyes wide, her jaw slightly dropped as she waits for me to continue.
What the hell? She might as well know.
"Yeah. I love you." I crack a smile because it feels so damn good to finally tell her that. "You happy now? You made me fall in love with you and now we're not even dating."
"I AM happy," she says, smiling. "Because I love you too, but I didn't think you loved me back."
"Well, I do," I say like I'm annoyed with myself. And in a way, I am. I didn't want to fall in love at 21, but this girl just won't get out of my head, and she's landed a permanent place in my heart.
"So what do we do now?" she asks.
"If you want us to try again, you have to let your leg fully heal before you step foot in the gym. And when it's healed, you can't go back to training like that. Even healthy people could get hurt working out like that."
She takes a moment to consider it, then says, "I'll cut back to one workout a day, and I won't push myself so hard. But will you help me? Will you work out with me again?"
"I will, but you have to listen to me this time. If I say lower weights, you do lower weights. If I say rest, you rest."
"I don't know if I can agree to that."
"You want to date me or not?"
She huffs. "You just said you love me."
"Doesn't mean I'll date you." I hold out my hand. "Deal or no deal?"
She sighs and shakes my hand. "Deal."
I keep hold of her hand and look intently at her lips. "I really want to kiss you right now."
"Then do it." She smiles.
"Nope. I'm gonna hold out. We're not officially dating, and we won't be if you back out of the deal, so I'm not gonna kiss you. You'll just have to wait. It'll be incentive to keep you on track."
"Are you kidding? That is so mean."
"What can I say? I'm a tough trainer. You don't like it, you shouldn't have hired me."
"I didn't—" She stops and laughs. "I want that damn kiss, so whatever I have to do, I'll do it."
But I think she's doing it for more than just a kiss. I finally feel like she's committed to this. I know she doesn't want to give up gymnastics but I think she's finally at a place where she's able to accept that it's over, as hard as that is to do.
As for her and me? We're not over. Not by a long shot. I love her, and I want her back in my life again. And she will be. We just have some work to do before that happens.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Austin
"You need to get over here," Amber says in a hushed tone. I was on my way to get something to eat when she called.
"Why? What's going on?"
"Kira's locked herself in her room. She's been in there for hours. I tried talking to her but she told me she wants to be left alone."
"What do you think's going on?"
"I caught her watching her gymnastics videos earlier so I think it has something to do with that. Can you come over here and try to talk to her? I know you guys aren't dating but—"
"Yeah, I'll come over. I'll be there soon."
"Thanks."
We hang up and I pull into a gas station and turn around, heading toward Kira's place. It's been a week since we started talking again and we've been talking every day. But we haven't today because I had to work. It's Saturday, but my dad needed help at one of his job sites so I met him over there and put in a few hours. Then I went back to my place and cleaned up. Now it's noon and I'm starving, which is why I was going to get some lunch, but it sounds like I need to talk to Kira first.
She's been opening up to me a lot this past week. She finally told me about the accident, and when I asked her questions about it she actually answered them instead of saying she didn't want to talk about it. I feel like she's finally being honest with me, but we still haven't gone back to being a couple. For now, I'm just being her friend, and we're going to remain just friends until I know for sure that she's given up trying to compete again. Once her leg heals, I worry she'll go behind my back and start working out obsessively, like she did before, and if she does that, I can't be with her. I can't watch her hurt herself again. And I've told her that several times this past week.
"Hi, Austin," Amber says as she opens the door. She has her coat on, her backpack slung over her shoulder. "I have to go to campus to meet with my study group. I'll be back later this afternoon."
"Okay. See ya."
She leaves and I walk down to Kira's room. I try the door and find that it's unlocked. I thought Amber said Kira locked herself in her room, or did she just say that to get me to come over here?
Amber's been trying to get Kira and me back together, arranging these little set-ups without telling us. Like last Thursday night, she lured Kira and me to the same coffee shop. It turned out to be a good thing. We'd only been talking on the phone, so it was good to meet face-to-face and spend some real time together. We were there for three hours. It's just like when we were dating. Whenever we were together, we had a hard time saying goodbye.
Kira told me Amber likes to play matchmaker, but if that's true, then she needs to play matchmaker for herself. She still hasn't contacted Dylan, and he hasn't tried contacting her.
Dylan is still dating the cheerleader but it's nothing serious. They have sex, but that's all they do, so it's not really a relationship. He hasn't said much about Amber and I haven't pushed him to. I'm trying to stay out of it. I've got my own relationship issues to deal with.
"Kira, it's me." I open her door and see her sitting on her bed with her laptop. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah." She sets her laptop down. "What are you doing here?"
"Amber said you might want to talk." I go over and sit next to her on the bed.
She smiles a little. "Sorry about that. She's taking this matchmaking thing a little too far. I'll talk to her."
"It's fine. I wanted to see you."
"You did?" She gives me a full smile this time.
"Why wouldn't I? We're friends, right?"
"Yeah." Her smile falls because she wants to be more than that. I want that too, but I'm not sure if we're ready for that yet. I need to be able to trust her.
"Move over." I nudge her leg and she scoots over to give me more room. I put my legs up next to hers, and lean against the headboard. "So what's going on?"
She clicks on her laptop, waking it up, then points to the screen. It's a video of her doing gymnastics.
"That was nationals," she says.
I don't know what to say. I don't know why she's showing me this. Is she going to tell me she's going to start training again?
When I don't respond, she closes the laptop and sets it on her nightstand. "You don't want to see it."
"I DO want to see it. I just don't know why you're showing it to me."
"Because I wanted you to see what I could do," she says quietly.
"I know what you can do. I know you're an amazing gymnast and I've told you that. Many times. So I don't know what you want me to say."
"I'm not a gymnast," she says, her voice quivering. "Not anymore." Tears stream down her face. "It's over. My gymnastics career is over."
The way she said it, it's like she's finally accepting it. Like it's finally sunk in that she can't compete anymore. I don't know what got her to this point, but whatever it was, I'm relieved she's finally realizing this has to end. She can't keep chasing a dream that died o
ver a year ago.
"Kira." I slide my hand around her waist and pull her closer. She turns and puts her head on my shoulder.
"It's over," she says, then breaks down crying.
I just hold her and let her cry. It's what she needs to do in order to accept this. She has to grieve the loss of what might have been. The loss of a dream that just isn't possible anymore.
I know what that feels like because I just did it myself. Growing up, I always told myself I'd play music for a living. I thought I'd be famous. Make records. Go on tour. As I got older, I realized it probably wouldn't happen, but until I talked to Paul that day, there was a part of me that still wanted that dream. Now I've let it go, but it wasn't easy. And I know it's a lot harder for Kira because she was much closer to realizing her dream than I ever was. She made it to nationals, which is just a step away from the Olympics.
"You're still a gymnast, Kira," I say when her crying slows. "You always will be."
"I'm not if I'm no longer competing."
I pause, then say, "So if I quit the band, am I not a musician?"
She lifts her head and looks at me. "What?"
"If I quit playing in a band, am I not a musician?"
She thinks for a moment. "No. You're still a musician."
"Why?"
"Because you know how to play the guitar."
"And you know how to do gymnastics. No one can ever take that away from you." I cup the side of her face and look her in the eye. "You'll always be a gymnast, even if you never compete again."
"But I didn't—"
"Stop focusing on what you didn't do, and focus on what you DID do. You made it to nationals. Fucking nationals. Do you know how impressive that is?"
She smiles, as more tears fall down her cheeks. "Pretty impressive."
"Shit yeah. Most gymnasts never make it that far. But you did."
She nods.
"When you were a kid, did you ever think you'd make it to nationals?"
"Not really. I told everyone I would but deep-down, I didn't think I could do it."
"But you did. You were there. You did it. You achieved your dream."
"I didn't win."
"You don't have to win. Not every dream has to end exactly how you imagined it would. Dreams can change. Am I a rock star living in a mansion in LA?"
She laughs a little. "No."
"Then if I go by your standards, I should be pretty damn depressed right now. Because that was my dream when I was ten. I wanted to be a famous guitarist, living in a mansion in LA. But instead I'm working construction in Chicago."
"You still play music."
"Yeah. I do. But I'm not famous. Or rich. And I'm okay with that. My dream changed."
"To what? What's your dream now?"
"To keep doing what I'm doing. Working construction during the day and playing music at night. I like my life. I wouldn't change it. Even if I was able to be a rich and famous musician, I don't think I'd like that life. It's just not me. I like what I'm doing now. I like living here. I like being close to my family. Some people would say I'm giving up on my dream, but that's bullshit. I've just changed my dream, because I know what I want. But I couldn't figure that out until I stopped chasing after something that was never going to happen. Something that wasn't right for me but that I held onto because I thought letting it go was giving up. But it's not giving up, Kira. It's not."
She sniffles. "I don't know what I am without gymnastics."
"I thought the same thing with my music. For years I let it define me. But now I realize I'm more than that. And so are you. You're more than a gymnast. You have other talents. Other interests. You can still love gymnastics and I can still love music but that doesn't have to be all there is. There's more to us than that. A lot more."
"I can't imagine my future without gymnastics."
"But you'll figure it out. Once you let go of this need to compete again, you'll see all these other possibilities you wouldn't let yourself see before."
"Like what?"
"Like what you want to major in. What you want to do with your life. There are so many possibilities, Kira. You just have to let yourself see them, and when you do, you'll be able to figure out what you want to do with your life. You'll come up with a new dream."
"I don't know what that would be. I don't even have a clue."
I smile. "You could dream of marrying Austin Wheeler someday."
"What?" she asks, sounding both shocked and confused.
I shrug. "I know. A lot of girls have that dream so it's kind of a stretch, but you've gotten closer to it than anyone else, so you never know. It could happen."
She laughs. "Okay. I'll add that to my dream list, but for way off in the future."
"Agreed." I kiss her cheek.
She looks at me, her face serious now. "I love you." She glances down. "I know I shouldn't say that because we're not dating but—"
"Hey." I lift her chin up and our eyes meet. "I love you too. Dating or not, I still love you."
"Do you think we'll ever be a couple again?"
"I still think of you as my girlfriend, if that answers your question."
"Then can we try again? Because I miss you. I miss you so much. And not just as a friend. I miss us. I miss being able to hug you and kiss you and sleep next to you. I want to be able to do those things again. I know I hurt you and lied to you, but if you could just give me a chance..."
"Yes." I smile at her.
"Yes, what?"
"Let's do it. Let's get back together."
Her eyes widen. "Really?"
"Yeah, but the deal still stands. You can't go back to killing yourself at the gym."
"I won't." She smiles. "I have a new dream. One that'll take some time to achieve."
"What is it?"
"You'll just have to wait and see."
Does she mean marrying me? If so, she's right. That'll take some time. I'm not ready for marriage. But I am ready for a girlfriend, as long as that girl is Kira.
She reaches up and gives me a kiss, then lingers at my lips. "I've been wanting to do that for so long."
"Is there anything else you've been wanting to do?" I lay her down on the bed.
She just smiles.
And I make love to my girlfriend. Because that's who she is, and has always been, even when we were apart.
I was never able to let her go. My heart wouldn't let me. Because as the saying goes, the heart knows what it wants.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Two Weeks Later
Austin
"You guys want something to eat?" Dylan yells from the kitchen.
"No, we're good," I yell back. Then I kiss my girlfriend, because she's hot, and I love her, and I have to make up for weeks of not kissing her.
"You two ever take a break?" I hear Dylan ask.
"Sorry," Kira says, noticing Dylan is back in the living room. She tries to move off my lap onto the couch, but I keep hold of her. I like her on my lap.
"Don't apologize to him," I say. "You know how many times I've had to watch him make out with a girl?"
"What the fuck you talking about?" Dylan asks, sinking into the recliner that's next to the couch. "I always take that shit back to my room."
"Yeah, when you're sober. When you're drunk you do it wherever the hell you please."
He chuckles. "That's probably true. I don't remember half the shit I do when I'm drunk."
Kira lays her head on my shoulder and I kiss her head. "You tired?"
"A little." She yawns.
"Let's go back to my place." It's awesome to be able to say that. My place. I finally have my own place where I can be alone with my girlfriend.
"You sure you don't want to stay?" Dylan asks. "I could order us a pizza."
Dylan wants us to stay because he's lonely. Van went out of town this weekend and Dylan's not used to hanging out by himself. He could call up Allison for some company, although I think he's getting tired of her. She hasn't been hanging ar
ound here as much.
"It's late," I tell him. "I think we're gonna go."
"Or we could stay," Kira says, noticing how down Dylan looks. He needs to find a new girl. One who wants him for more than just sex.
"That's okay," he says. "It's after midnight and I know you guys want to get home. And if you stay here much longer, you'll end up having sex on my couch."
"Like that hasn't been done before?" I say.
"Yeah, I know." He laughs. "I think Van did it where you're sitting."
"Shit, are you serious?" I quickly move over, taking Kira with me.
He laughs again. "I'm just messing with you. Although I wouldn't be surprised if he did." He gets up. "I'm gonna grab a beer. You sure you don't want anything?"
"No, we need to get going," I say as he walks in the kitchen. I give Kira a kiss. "Let's get out of here."
"I think we should stay." She lowers her voice. "We shouldn't leave Dylan like this. He seems really down, almost depressed."
"That's because he didn't get the internship he wanted. He found out yesterday and now he has to start looking for a new one."
"I think it's more than that." She glances back at the kitchen. "Has he said anything about Amber?"
"No. He hasn't even mentioned her since he found out she was here in Chicago."
"Don't you think that's kind of strange?"
"No. Why?"
"Because you'd think he'd want to talk about it. He searched for her for months and then finds out she's just a few miles away and he has nothing to say about it?"
I shrug. "He's a guy. We don't talk about that shit."
"You do."
"Not with other guys."
"I bet you do." She sits up straight. "I know for a fact you talked about me with your brothers when we were broken up."
I pull her face back down to mine and kiss her. "Actually you don't know because you weren't there."
"I still think you did. And I think you and your guy friends talk about your girl problems."
"Maybe," I say so close that my lips brush against hers. "But I'll never tell. It's guy code. I can't break the code." I kiss her.
She pulls away. "Just tell me. Has he talked about Amber or not?"
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